Is he cheating??

[Chelc23]

hi, I have been with my partner almost 10 years and we have a 5 year old together. A few months back I found he had been searching a female colleague up on Facebook, when I asked him why he said he needed to ask her something regarding work, they have work phones so I didn’t believe it but let it go. He instills telephone lines and they’re always on jobs together, plus he is her team leader. But she is constantly phoning him and I’ve overheard conversations which sounds flirty. Yesterday I phoned him and she answered his phone which really annoyed me. And then for some reason I counted the condoms in his drawer yesterday and looked today and 2 have gone. but I keep thinking I probably miscounted. I just don’t know what to do. Whether I’m just over reacting and being paranoid.

So you've had sex once in just over 2 weeks? Was that because you had a UTI? You say you have a healthy sex life which I'd assume would be more frequent than once every fortnight. Would you say you've been having sex less frequently recently? Could also point to him getting it elsewhere.

Over a decade ago I was in a pretty sexless marriage. I wanted sex, he didn't. I came off the pill as I didn't see the point on being on it and we bought condoms just in case. We never opened the pack but I noticed the cellophane had been removed and 2 were missing. He tried to pass it off as being curious because he'd never seen a ribbed condom before. Turned out he was cheating.

@Laurdo it’s literally because I had a UTI and didn’t feel like it then TOTM, which is 7 days. We usually have sex 2-3 times a weeks. Nope it’s not been less frequent it’s been the same. He’s acting completely normal which is what I find weird.

I don’t know what your sex life looks like or where you have sex but is it possible he’s put a couple in his wallet or in a drawer downstairs etc just so he has some easily to hand incase of more spontaneous sex? Unless you always have sex in bed (which would be completely normal also) that could account for the missing condoms.

@Laurdo are you serious? Not every couple has sex regularly and have a great relationship. Get a grip.

I'd just confront him OP. In person.

OP literally said they have a healthy sex life.

@Inthedeep he doesn’t use a wallet, stores his cards in his phone case as it’s one of them flip cases with spaces for cards and there’s nothing in that as I’ve looked. Sex is pretty much always in the bedroom!

Just confront him.

Yes- confront him. Or carry on pretending you don’t know he’s cheating. It’s up to you, but you already know in your heart of hearts.

All you can do is confront him unfortunately. You are just going to end up driving yourself mad otherwise.

If he’s ’very good at lying’, what the hell are you doing being with him? Good relationships depend on honesty.

It’s pretty depressing for the OP to know that if she confronts him, he’s almost certainly going to lie.

I’m not saying sticking her head in the sand is a good alternative. But confronting him isn’t going to result in him admitting all, and confessing.

@GodDammitCecil Thank you! I am going to confront him of course, but I feel I need to play the long game and see if anymore go missing. If I can get picture evidence he can’t lie can he? I’m going to give it a week or two and if none go missing I will confront him and if any go missing beforehand I will confront him. He won’t get away with it!

Good approach.

If you confront him and he lies, he’ll just cover his tracks better.

Give him enough rope to hang himself.

@GodDammitCecil yeah exactly. Don’t get me wrong I am absolutely devastated at the thought of it being true and I don’t know how I’m going to pretend and act like everything is fine for the next week or so but like you say he will just cover his tracks better if I confront him now with not enough evidence.

I was just going to say please don’t confront yet! Like others have said he will certainly cover his tracks and if he is cheating he’ll just hide it better.

Sadly a lot of people are good at lying, sometimes to the point that it takes us a long time to discover the truth.
It could be innocent with the girl from work, but I think the fact he’s searching her on social media has probably made him intrigued in her even if he’s not acting on it. As said before my partner does search women on social media a lot and it annoys me (most seem like past exes) but I think it’s just curiosity with men, and they’re gross visual people who probably want to check out the woman’s photos.

You will have to play the long game but that’s the best way to actually find out the truth. Did you search his van yet for a burner phone or the condoms?

@Chelsea543 I keep hoping it’s innocent, but the condoms don’t add up according to the dates on them and when ordered. I haven’t searched his van as I don’t think I can without him knowing. We’ve got a ring doorbell and cameras so I think he would see me doing it so can’t really chance it.

Op what makes me sad is you have two major red flags 🚩
the missing condoms
the spider sense about the colleague

and to be honest that’s it ? No other issues

however you are living with this and getting so anxious
because you are scared he will lie and deny it

this is your partner of ten years

I just wish for you that you could sit him down and talk to him and tell him how this is messing you up

sorry maybe not helpful

but it saddens me to read this

So in the next week or two, what, you're still going to be having sex etc?

Maybe consider an STI check too?

@IsThisOneAvailable no where did I say that? And yes thanks I’ve recently had one!! We do use condoms but will be sure to arrange another!

No you didn't, that's a fair comment.

But how will you 'carry on as normal' without?

You're a stronger person than I, if you can manage to bide your time and not give it away

@IsThisOneAvailable to be honest, I think it’s all in my head. He’s acting completely normal. Never goes out and leaves his phone around and I know the passcode. I’ve looked through his phone (which I feel so guilty about) but I can’t find a thing so surely he would have slipped up somewhere? Think I’m just reading into nothing because I’m jealous of his work colleague. I’m going to have a chat with him and hopefully he will put my mind at ease and I will feel better about everything.

Please trust your gut. Speaking from experience my husband was very good at deleting all phone calls and messages. The number was also saved under a false name. If you don’t confront him yet at least keep on keeping an eye on things.

Missing condoms aren’t ‘in your head’ OP. He may have an honest explanation but I’m struggling as to what it could be. If he having an affair with a work colleague they don’t need to message over the phone as they see each other in work. I hope you are right and he is being faithful but it doesn’t sound good at all.

Going back to the phone calls to/from his phone, I'd be wondering why it isn't saved as a contact, I'm not a huge believer that every man is a born cheater (some of the replies you've had on here amount to nothing short of a witch hunt of the male species tbh). However, stick with the facts you have in front of you. Condoms missing, and a mystery number in his phone. Personally I'd be ringing that number.