Is he cheating??

[Chelc23]

hi, I have been with my partner almost 10 years and we have a 5 year old together. A few months back I found he had been searching a female colleague up on Facebook, when I asked him why he said he needed to ask her something regarding work, they have work phones so I didn’t believe it but let it go. He instills telephone lines and they’re always on jobs together, plus he is her team leader. But she is constantly phoning him and I’ve overheard conversations which sounds flirty. Yesterday I phoned him and she answered his phone which really annoyed me. And then for some reason I counted the condoms in his drawer yesterday and looked today and 2 have gone. but I keep thinking I probably miscounted. I just don’t know what to do. Whether I’m just over reacting and being paranoid.

Omg that’s awful. But I do fear he is trying to throw me off the scent as he gets so defensive whenever I question him about her.

People are allowed to be friends with work colleagues. I’ve worked with guys who flirt a bit and like and follow my social media and we genuinely are just friends. Nobody ever answers someone else’s phone tho and the missing condoms are too much! I think you already know but you’re asking on here to make sure you’re not crazy! I would feel the same as you in this situation x Don’t be scared to ask him and never doubt your gut feeling x

"He's very good at lying so I don't think I will ever get the truth unless I find some evidence."

So he's lied about things to you before then?

no, not to me. Like with other things. He’s good at
getting out of situations and making things up.

The missing condoms would be a deal breaker for me. And I would be asking outright and seeing what his face tells you- after ten years together you should be able to tell if he's fibbing!

I know but I keep thinking perhaps I miscounted. I am going to confront him, but just want to see if anymore go missing. And yes I should but obviously I can’t.

I guess I’m just doubting the whole thing as he rarely goes out so unless he’s having sex with her at work there’s no other time he would be able to do it. I know his password to his phone and he leaves it unattended. So he could be using his work phone to contact her but he never has that on him unless going to work. He’s very loving towards me, he isn’t off or acting weird. Making plans for the future. Or is this just him being clever and telling me what I want to hear. It’s the missing condoms I can’t explain but then I keep telling myself I’ve miscounted them and to not be so stupid?! I’m going mad.

OP I think you are doubting it beacuse you don't want it to be true, but sadly the answering the phone, this missing condoms and Facebook probably means he is

@Blueeyedmale of course i don’t want it to be true, it would break me and my DS he is such a daddies boy. but I think everyone is right something isn’t quite right and I need to confront him. I’m just scared :(

Of course you are thats completely understandable it's not something you expect to happen, like others have said keep an eye on the condoms and his general behaviour until you have concrete proof, I've been there I've been cheated on its hard you don't want to believe it even when everything is pointing to it, it's the ultimate betrayal

I can't answer your question, but to play devil's advocate re the phone-he was up the loft, so she answered his phone, you hung up so she passed the phone up to him and he texted back. I'd think that's quite plausible tbh.

Why are people so hung up on the phone sneering? Maybe he asked her to grab his phone and answer it because he was tied up. The other stuff is definitely worth some suspicion though.

Does he have his work colleagues on his Facebook? I do including my male colleagues, we also message each other most days re work.

The phone if he was busy it could be harmless, what did she say and what did he text? Neither of those sound conclusive at all.

The condoms are you 100% sure?

Calling her a bunny boiler is a huge red flag.

I think you’ll need to confront him. My dh has colleagues on Facebook and talks to them time to time but it’s usually to rant about work.

I think your dh has said she’s a bunny boiler to try throw off and make you think he’s not interested. He seems to know a lot about her as they must talk about her ex etc

Sorry to say that I know someone who had a full affair which openly happened whilst he was at work. He told his wife his hours changed but he was actually sleeping with a colleague and then would return and act normal at home.

When I questioned him about who answered his phone, he said no one.

So he told this initial lie in addition to lying about being in the loft.

@Chelc23, your P is not protecting his fidelity. He’s been looking up OW and lying about why. You’ve heard them flirting during their constant contact. She feels entitled to answer his phone, which suggests over-familiarity. When you ask valid questions, he gets defensive to make you back off. And, of course, 2 condoms are absent. I don’t believe that you miscounted.

Regarding their finding time to conduct an affair, the emotional closeness would be developing as they interact at work and in calls/messages. As they’re out in the field together, they can find alone time for intimacy before work, during lunchtime, or by leaving early or taking time off.

Have you investigated his phone, statements, pockets, etc.?

He appears to be using a 2-prong cover: the controlling Ex story to explain her need to reach out and his KISA role, and the bunny boiler deception to con you that he’d never be interested in her.

Please don’t gaslight yourself with doubts, @Chelc23. Something illicit is going on between them. He is undoubtedly attracted to OW’s attention and validation, and is enjoying extra cake.

You don’t have to tolerate his disloyalty and abuse of your trust.

As hard as it is, I'd give it a little longer before you confront him so you can check the condoms and be 100% sure about them, if you're not, he'll be able to talk himself out of that easily and you'll still be wondering and he'll also be aware that you're suspicious (if he is cheating)

@Thisoldchestnut yes it could be totally innocent but I wouldn’t answer his work phone so I just think it’s cheeky she’s answered it knowing who it is. And I am annoyed about it.

@RoseBucket he has a few male colleagues on Facebook but no females from what I can see. I am pretty certain with the condoms I did write the amount in my phone and before I went to check I remember the number before I even looked at what I wrote down so pretty certain

@MsDogLady yes I know you’re right. I’ve looked through his personal phone and can’t find a thing. Can’t get in his work phone as don’t know the password. Looked in pockets/wallets/work bag etc and nothing. Not looked at statements. And he never makes himself look good for work ie aftershave, does his hair or anything. Unless he has stuff in his van and does it when he’s left!

@Chelc23 do you know where she lives? if you notice he is going to the same place on the iphone finder perhaps even at regular times, then you can safely assume he is with her. you might need to jump in a taxi and catch them out!

I’m not sure op, this could be completely innocent. You’ve presented it in a way that folks will say yes cheating, as you’ve not balanced it till later. Ie no secrecy round phone, doesn’t go out etc

I mean what’s the odds of him shagging someone who basically works for him actually at work , and people who have affairs seldom would you find the ow openly answering the phone to the wife, and I don’t see anything wrong with finding her on Facebook, you seem to have no issues with him doing that with men

and the flirty call, that’s hard to tell if it’s your jealousy and insecurity and they were just being friendly or if it really was flirty. Can you describe what they were saying to flirt?

@2jacqi no clue where she lives. I’m sure he told he she was staying at a friends a while back but I’m not sure the area. but I could definitely look for patterns. I would be worried he could see me tracking him via the iPhone finder though?!

@Janeandme it could be totally innocent which is why I’m so reluctant to say anything. But I can’t get the condoms out my head so that’s why I’m speculating. He could be very clever at hiding it, I knew someone whose DH was having an affair and he bought a separate phone and kept it in his work van and told the woman he was having an affair with not to contact him from when he got home from work so it’s plausible. And he weren’t being secretive or no change in behaviour etc. why would I have an issue with him
searching men he isn’t into men?

it was the way they were talking and giggling it just wasn’t the way I would talk to a work colleague!!

Do not confront him yet. He will explain each incident away. Play the long game. Try to act normal. Build up your evidence including the photos. Check bank statements maybe?

Then confront when you are armed with your evidence so he can't gaslight you.

Don't keep mentioning her to him. Give him enough rope