Is he cheating??

[Chelc23]

hi, I have been with my partner almost 10 years and we have a 5 year old together. A few months back I found he had been searching a female colleague up on Facebook, when I asked him why he said he needed to ask her something regarding work, they have work phones so I didn’t believe it but let it go. He instills telephone lines and they’re always on jobs together, plus he is her team leader. But she is constantly phoning him and I’ve overheard conversations which sounds flirty. Yesterday I phoned him and she answered his phone which really annoyed me. And then for some reason I counted the condoms in his drawer yesterday and looked today and 2 have gone. but I keep thinking I probably miscounted. I just don’t know what to do. Whether I’m just over reacting and being paranoid.

Yeah but just because he’s into women doesn’t mean he can’t be friends with women, I mean cmon, that’s really bad jealousy /insecurity.

do you really think he’s shagging someone who works for him at work, and using condoms from home. And that she answers the phone to you not trying to hide it? I mean if neither of them give a shit to that extent and would do that, your marriage is already over and I mean, fucking at work, that’s utterly grim.

Don’t confront him yet. Just keep an eye on the numbers, and he might buy some new ones to top up.

Also op, you clearly suspect strongly this is true, so for me your marriage is over, to not trust your husband to this extent, but to also think he’s the sort of man who will fuck people in his own workplace, women who effectively report to him, shows nothing but utter disdain for him.

i can’t imagine my husband doing something so utterly grim, but you think he’s that sort and your marriage is in such a bad way he would do that.

so it’s over, when you actually think that about your own husband there is no way back.

There isn’t a “that sort” of man, or woman, who cheats. There is no “type”. I wish there was, they’d be a damn sight easier to spot.

Nobody can imagine their husband or wife “doing something so utterly grim” until they do.
OP needs facts, and to weigh up his usual character, which she knows better than anyone, then decide what is or isn’t a deal breaker for her.
OP’s marriage is over when she or her husband says it is.
There’s no shame in either decision OP and it’s way too early to make a decision either way yet.
What you need is the truth (as much as you are able to get, cheats whilst in affairs lie and minimise and initially do more if the same when confronted, until they hopefully realise the impact and who they have become and desire to change through remorse) and then some time to decide what you want to do, bearing in mind you can change your mind at any point in the future.
@MsDogLady always talks sense on here and has a talent for spotting and separating the most important points from the ‘noise’ around the issue, read her post again and let it resonate.

Nah, no way, sure there is no type that cheats but when you think your husband is fucking his colleagues in his place of work, that’s well past just cheating it’s utterly grim.

🥴🥴
this sounds awful
the missing condoms especially

I’m sorry 😞

It is indeed utterly grim, but then infidelity of any form anywhere usually is.
And whatever our opinions are, or how we would react, OP will decide for herself what she does next. She’s the only one best placed to do that.

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. I do appreciate it and have taken everything on board. I will keep an eye on the condoms over the next few weeks. There’s just one thing stuck in my mind, he cuddled me this morning and said “I love you, and only you” why would he say that? Why not just I love you.

Do you have a history of jealousy or insecurity? Or does he think you’re jealous or insecure about this woman? Generally in my experience that prompts that sort of thing. Not cheating, as if cheating they say nothing to arouse suspicion.

This is man-code for: she's always up for a shag, and I love it.

Too many red flags on this one. Sorry.

@Janeandme no I don’t have a history of jealousy or insecurity. No issues at all in ten years. I think he knows as I made a deal out of the Facebook thing. And FYI he works with 3 or 4 other women which don’t bother me it’s just this one individual.

For goodness sake. That’s not what ir means at all. It means he recognises rhe ops jealous and is trying to allay that.

The fact he called her a bunny boiler is worrying. When guys are cheating they always make their OW sound like a psycho so that if anything comes out, he can just say "she's crazy! I've told you all along!"
Also you'll get the "she's not my type. She's ugly and fat etc etc0

As others have said don’t bother confronting him yet as there’s no real evidence to argue and he’ll make you believe you’re being ridiculous. I would not be happy at all and would be very concerned about the condoms. My guess was has he stashed them in his wallet incase he gets a shot with her or someone else on a night out?
Id also be checking his work van at some point To see if they are in there or if there’s a burner phone.

I don’t like the idea that she answered his phone, it’s so weird and almost wanting you to know she’s there. Unless of course he asked her to which it doesn’t seem like he did.

My boyfriends search history on fb is all women which makes me sick but sadly I think men will do this. Clearly he wants to see more photos of her and find out more about her. She must be on his mind for him to do that so whatever reason he gave for doing it clearly was a lie.

Sadly for now you’ll have to just keep an eye on the condoms and wait and see what happens. Eventually though you will have to confront him about it all - no doubt he’ll say he used the condoms on himself for a cleaner experience solo but I think we all know that’s rubbish cheaters say.

Hopefully all is fine and the fact he’s not taking pride in his appearance or changed much is a positive.

@Chelc23 if it was unusual for him to say he loved you in that way, under the circumstances I can see why you would find it a loaded thing to say. Just remember the stress you are under now, and the dread of finding out things that you don’t what to find out. Things get passed through a filter in our minds and at present you are desperate for truth, trust is in question, so you are exhaustingly analysing everything through the ‘is this cheating evidence?” filter and the “what is real? What can I trust? Is my reality as I understand it actually reality?” All this is perfectly normal and understandable and at the same time incredibly de-stabilising and hard to cope with. It’s the very worst part about betrayal from
somebody you love and trust and who should have your back, not stab you in it. It makes you question everything.
If you can cope with waiting to see if there is more evidence, then do what you feel is right. In the meantime however bear in mind you will go through torture asking yourself where he is, what is he doing with his phone, what happened to two condoms, have any more gone, why did she think it was ok to answer his phone etc etc.
If you have the strength to do this (and remember that you are on high alert mentally for anything and everything that could be cheating) , then that’s Ok.
What you want to avoid is letting it simmer to a head so that you end up internally frazzled and having an almighty row about it.
It is very, very hard to wait for evidence. I did it for just under 48 hours to give me time alone in the house when he was at work and the kids were at school to turn the place over, look at iPads and laptops, go through his stuff for the first time in 35 years together. It made me literally throw up and feel terrible about it even though I knew he was cheating. I still felt guilty doing it! 🙄 I discovered unbeknownst to me that the laptop was now locked with altered passwords. We shared them but I very rarely used them, didn’t need to, never checked them, wouldn’t occur to me that I had to.
I found searches on the iPad which I never used which proved it. He’d been careless about deleting photos and one that the OW had sent him was still there. I calmly confronted him that evening with it all, after the kids and we had gone to bed.
It was the longest 48 hours of my life and I couldn’t have lasted any longer.
Just prioritise yourself now and think through how long it is feasible for you to wait. A calm, non-aggressive conversation is better than an angry confrontation. It’s really, really shit, please take care of yourself and I hope you’re wrong about it all, I sincerely do.

@Janeandme i actually think I have reason to be jealous given the circumstances?! I’m not usually a jealous person or even insecure I am concerned about the missing condoms, which I think any woman would be?

Op, honestly I’m just trying to help you out by balancing this, you’re not even sure there is missing condoms?

Absolutely direct from the cheaters dictionary. It's always she'd a bunny boiler/she's psycho. Then comes I know she's obsessed with me but I'd never she's just lying because she jealous of you.

I remember this knotted feeling so well. It’s awful, you really don’t want to believe they’re capable of hurting you but you can’t square that round peg.

I agree that this has red flags all over it. Until my husbands affair I had no idea about these red flags and was entirely trusting. He had many (very attractive) female friends and I didn’t bat an eyelid. Please don’t listen to posters telling you you’re jealous or being insecure, there’s a lot to be said for female intuition, I just knew when the ‘new friend’ came along that this one was different. Behavioural cues are often so small but if you really know a person, something just jars.

FWIW my husbands affair partner was very brazen with the affair (partly why I found out so quickly) she’d decided she was his partner and I was the ‘ex’ very VERY quickly. And most affairs happen in the workplace or in working hours. They’re seedy, pathetic entities - the cheat doesn’t want to get caught so often sticks to ‘normal’ patterns.

But the question is are you right to be concerned and my gut is saying yes. I’d watch and wait, I wouldn’t confront yet. You’re in a position where he could potentially take this deeper into the shadows and that’s when it becomes really hard to see the wood for the trees.

I’m really hoping it’s nothing and you can put your mind at rest, but be careful of your heart!

@Janeandme i think two have gone missing as like I said I wrote it down so surely I haven’t miscounted?! But because I don’t want it to be true I keep thinking I must of.

Sorry, that must of been awful for you! And yes something just doesn’t feel quite right with this work colleague, I am not normally jealous or insecure and he’s had many female colleagues over the years and I’ve never once questioned anything. I’m just going to see how the next few weeks play out, he has got a night out with a male friend who he also works with next weekend and then he’s got his works christmas do coming up also which I presume she will be going to.

To play devil's advocate, any chance he would use the condoms to have a tidy wank? Have you had sex using condoms between when you first counted and recounted? Could he have been putting one on and it split as he put it on and he didn't tell you just grabbed another one.
Did she answer the work phone cause they were expecting a call from client. Did he say to her answer that call will you? Maybe he was being nosy looking at Facebook to see what her ex looked like.

I would be on very high alert 😟

@DNLove I doubt he’s used them for a tidy wank, he’s never done that before so don’t think he would start now but I suppose I can’t say for certain! And nope definitely didn’t have sex as I counted them on the Thursday and checked them the day after, It was my TOTM so 100% didn’t have sex. The answering the phone yeah it could be totally innocent, but I still didn’t like that she answered it. And yes again you’re right but I still don’t think he should of searched her up regardless, and the way he acted when I saw it I’ve never seen him so angry, he just turned it all around on me and made me out to be a psycho and in the wrong!

Sounds then like you're onto something. Play the long game. Keep an eye on things, build up some concrete proof. And then tell him to do one.