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Original poster

Would you stop seeing him after this?

434 replies

Wouldthati · 16/11/2023 08:27

Im 24 years old and I'm dating a man who I met on Hinge. He is really into hikes with his dog and climbs mountains every Sunday. Usually he goes up Snowdon but he will try out somewhere new each month, it's his hobby.

I'm not into anything like that, I'm not very outdoorsy and I did tell him this. I have never been up a mountain in my life. Whereas he has been doing this for about 25 years (he's 43).

We have been dating for two months and after a few dates he asked me if I'd want to go with him one Sunday but I said no, and that I really wouldn't enjoy it. However he aske me again a couple of weeks ago and I could tell he really wanted me to so I agreed because if it's important to him, I will give it a go. I was really scared and he assured me that we don't have to go to the top and we can stop whenever I've had enough.

We made a weekend of it and stayed over in Wales for a couple of nights and then went to Snowdon last Sunday. It was cold and wet and I wasn't enjoying myself. After a couple of hours I wanted to stop, I realised I'd make a mistake coming but was quite proud of myself for getting so far. I told him and he was very annoyed. He huffed and puffed and said to his dog "we'll come back next week when we can do this properly" I felt hurt because if he wanted to do it "properly" why did he invite me? He knew we weren't going to go to the top! I've never done this before, it's my first time and he's been doing it every week for years and years. He walked off in front of me down the mountain and I was quite scared and needed help to get down because the rocks were slippy because it was raining and I was scared I was going to slip. He didn't stop to help me once, just powered on in front. Every time I stopped to ask for help he shouted "just jump"

We drove home in silence. When he dropped me off, before I got out of the car he said "well, you've been disappointing" I was shocked and didn't know what to say. I just said right well I don't know what you expected when I told you it wasn't my thing, but I tried. I said I don't know when I'll next see you and he said "you'll text me in a couple of days no doubt"

I went home with tears in my eyes and I haven't messaged him since. I feel like this has really put me off him, I feel really sad and hurt. Would I be unreasonable to stop seeing him due to this? Or does he have a point in being annoyed with me? What are other people's thoughts on this?

OP posts:
calmandcaffeinated · 16/11/2023 11:41

OP, it's absolutely fine that you have different interests. It's lovely he wanted to share his interest with you, but it's the way he went about everything that shows he's a twat. Well done you for giving it a go.

I would be tempted to message him:
"As predicted, here I am messaging in a couple of days. I just wanted to say that the way you treated me was completely unacceptable and the fact you think it was ok or that I would be desperate enough to want to spend any more time with you just shows you're completely lack of any awareness. Blocked."

Or just block his arse. Either way you're better off not giving the guy any more or your time.

Jumpingoffthefence · 16/11/2023 11:43

Run, don’t walk. When someone shows you their true colours, believe them.

Buy lalaletmeexplain’s book, block, delete, move on. Empower yourself and only give time to a person who deserves your time.

Lili132 · 16/11/2023 11:46

OP you are so young and you sound like a really nice person. You got out of your comfort zone to try his hobby and he showed no consideration for your feelings and your safety. He then left on a really bad note with patronising comments and put downs which you didn't deserve.

If he's like that after two months imagine what would be like to be living with him, or having children with him.
These are your best years to explore and find a right partner, don't waste them on this horrible man.

deveronvalley · 16/11/2023 11:47

Ugh! What a knob! I am his age with similar hobbies with hiking and trail running. I can’t imagine taking a much younger and inexperienced friend out and expecting them to just slot in! Clearly he’s all about the goal rather than the journey, which is fine for himself, but you have to leave that to one side when you have someone else to consider. You should make it an easy and pleasant day so they enjoy it and maybe want to come back! He’s obviously obsessed with his way out outdoorsing. What a bore! Plenty of guys like that though. I’ve seen loads of miserable looking kids getting dragged up mountains.

ValerieVomit · 16/11/2023 11:48

Just 👻 him

MrsKeats · 16/11/2023 11:50

He's a knob.
And too old for you I think.

prawncocktailqueen · 16/11/2023 11:51

Someone telling me that I'd "text them in a couple of days, no doubt" would 100% ensure that I would never speak to them again. Never mind the rest of it!

He sounds like an arrogant, selfish prick and letting you struggle down a mountain on your own is a massive red flag, he doesn't care about your safety at all.

Block, move on.

Sceptre86 · 16/11/2023 11:51

You really need to work on your self esteem and I would stay away from dating apps until you are in a better place. Once you are in a better place set your bar higher, realise your worth. You set your own boundaries, you don't have to put up with uncomfortable situations if you don't want to but you must get better at vocalising that and sticking to your guns.

Firefly27 · 16/11/2023 12:00

Damn what a selfish, inconsiderate and unkind man. And the audacity to say “you’ve been disappointing” and the absolute insolence to say “no doubt you will call me “ etc. The fact that you ask if it’s “unreasonable “ to never want to see him again makes me sad. Anyone who makes you feel like less than nothing deserves nothing. In a way, good you did the trip and now know this wasn’t meant to be. Don’t respond to him and just move on. Dreadful man.

tattygrl · 16/11/2023 12:02

Sooo glad you've decided to bin him off, OP. The age isn't necessarily a red flag in my opinion but the comments designed to shame you and put you down ARE. My feeling is that he was seeing how much you'd put up with. If you'd stayed with him, it would have got worse and you'd end up conditioned to being put down and made to feel not good enough, and he'd have control and power.

HOWEVER, you've seen through him for the cunt he is, so no such luck for him!!

Original poster
Wouldthati · 16/11/2023 12:07

Thanks again for everyone's replies, I really appreciate it. For those asking why I went for a man so much older than me.. I got out of a two year relationship back in February and was just using the time to focus on myself and spend time with friends etc. I felt ready to start meeting people again a few months ago but wasn't looking for anything serious. I moreso just kind of wanted to see what was out there, maybe go on a few dates.

I saw his pictures on Hinge and I can't help it I've just always been into older men. But never actually been out with one until now. I genuinely found him attractive and like he was a "man" rather than a boy. I know 24 year olds are also adult men, but he is tall, well built, has his own house, an established career and I just really fancied him.

Won't be doing this again though. Wasn't worth the feeling of embarrassment trying to get down the mountain without any help. Or the feeling of burning shame when he told me I've been disappointing. I can't believe I'm so upset about this though

OP posts:
PeppermintMandy · 16/11/2023 12:09

You aren’t compatible and he handled that horribly. Please, please don’t date men 20 years older than you. I know others will say otherwise but there are plenty of threads on here showing the issues with such big age gaps in relationships (one right now about libidos). The

CasaAmarela · 16/11/2023 12:10

Won't be doing this again though. Wasn't worth the feeling of embarrassment trying to get down the mountain without any help. Or the feeling of burning shame when he told me I've been disappointing. I can't believe I'm so upset about this though

Aw OP the only person who should be ashamed is him. I'm 32 so I know I'm not that much older than you but I think back to how I was at 24 and how little self worth I had compared to now and I feel sad reading this. You seem a lot more sensible than I was though, at least you're ending it now.

Olika · 16/11/2023 12:11

No point of wasting time with him as you are not compatible. Look for a man who has similar interests.

Pinkbonbon · 16/11/2023 12:12

43 when you are 24? Well of course he was going to be a controlling prick. You'd ve wise not to date over 30 at your age. There's a massive power imbalance and men who are 43 looking to date a 24 year old are not usually nice human beings. Case and point with thus guy, who is an abusive piece of shit.

CasaAmarela · 16/11/2023 12:13

@PeppermintMandy I saw that thread and I agree with you. Large age gaps generally don't work and have you noticed it's nearly always the men who date much younger and not women? A couple of my exes are in their mid 30s-early 40s and are dating women in their late teens and early 20s. My 33 year old ex was briefly dating a 17 year old, it's fucking disgusting. I think it's not just the physical attraction aspect but also that they want women who are easier to manipulate.

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/11/2023 12:14

What gets me is his "no doubt you'll text in a few days". He reckons he is all that, and a bag of chips doesn't he!

He's treating you like a fawning child. He's old enough to be your dad, bin him off.

SallyWD · 16/11/2023 12:16

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/11/2023 12:14

What gets me is his "no doubt you'll text in a few days". He reckons he is all that, and a bag of chips doesn't he!

He's treating you like a fawning child. He's old enough to be your dad, bin him off.

Exactly. Don't you dare message him. He sounds like a complete dick.

TheOccupier · 16/11/2023 12:16

The huge age gap should have made this a non-starter. Sounds like you were looking for a protective father figure and he was looking for someone he could boss around. Set your Hinge age range closee to your own and move on!

category12 · 16/11/2023 12:16

I've just always been into older men. But never actually been out with one until now. I genuinely found him attractive and like he was a "man" rather than a boy. I know 24 year olds are also adult men, but he is tall, well built, has his own house, an established career and I just really fancied him.

Just be aware on the flip side of them seeming confident, sorted and mature etc, that the power dynamic can turn toxic very quickly.

L0bstersLass · 16/11/2023 12:18

I'm fascinated that you'd even be considering messaging him again @Wouldthati after he's been so bloody rude.
What is the attraction in seeing him again when he's made you feel so terrible?

Are you upset about how he's made you feel, or upset that he doesn't seem bothered about seeing you again?

Pinkbonbon · 16/11/2023 12:20

You feel extremely bad about it because he designed it that way. He's playing on your emotional need to not be a 'disappointment' (which is such am emotive word). Probably hopes you have daddy issues. He wants you to chase after him.

Be aware that if given the chance he may try to shame you further or, totally backtrack and act all nice and 'sorry you feel that way but you misunderstood me'. You didn't. He's a prick.

Block him on everything.
Hopefully he will leave you alone. Sometimes they don't...

Possumzilla · 16/11/2023 12:20

What a nasty little man. Nasty, nasty little man.

You would only be unreasonable if you gave him another second of your time.

Kayte198999 · 16/11/2023 12:24

You are not unreasonable to stop seeing him, in fact, I can't think of why you'd want to again! He was very rude and also quite immature. Unfortunately if someone is outdoorsy and the other person isn't then it just won't work. But good on you for trying something new and going up the mountain! That's what you should take from this, it's always good to have new experiences even if you find out the activity isn't for you

witchypaws · 16/11/2023 12:34

What an absolute dick

That's like me saying "I really love open water swimming all year" and then taking you to a river in December when it's minus 5
When what most normal people would do is say "come with me when it's warmer, to this social meet and you can paddle or just take photos/have a walk/meet my friends"