I have zero sex drive and it's really hurting DH.

[Haun]

The constant rejection must be so horrible.
I'm 39 and it's not him. He's wonderful, provides financially, emotionally, pulls his weight around the house, great father.

But when he touches me I cringe, not because of him but because I hate my body, it's saggy, a bit overweight and embarrassing. He doenst care but I do.

Ontop of that I've suffered from depression and anxiety for years. Am waiting on ADHD assessment.

In my 20s had a good sex drive. But now it's literally non existent.

And it makes me sad. I want to want to have sex but the feeling just isn't there.

If I push myself I do enjoy it once I'm into it but then immediately it goes back to trying to avoid it.

He tried to kiss me in bed the other night and I said 'I'm too old for all that now' I was joking but that's how I feel deep down. Like a pensioner and I've just got zero desire for it.

I might masturbate maybe once or twice a month but it's usually when I'm on my period and it helps my cramps and getting me off to sleep when it's hurting. It's quick and emotionless.

What's wrong with me. Is this normal at 39?

I could have written your post word for word OP, except I'm a few years younger than you! Mine has happened since having a baby last year, just have no interest now.

I'll try and answer some questions

No hormonal contraception.
No antidepressants, ironically I came off them about a year ago because thought it was them causing low libido.
Absolutely not a problem with DH. He's gorgeous and lovely.
I have had changes to my menstrual cycle the last 6 months. They've been all over the place, super late, cramps all month round etc.
I have low iron and B12 and was prescribed folic acid I think it was, but I never took them 😕
We do go out, we go for lunch sometimes or shopping dates.
We hold hands, we sit together and watch films, we cuddle.
I had trauma as a kid but it was mental and physical, not sexual though.
I don't drink
I don't smoke
I'm about 14lbs over weight (but lost about 90lbs the last few years, hence hating my body, sag sag sag)
Sex has always been great. I always orgasm when we do have sex. He always is very attentive. 99% of the time we orgasm together. I do miss that closeness.

I think it's psychological, like as soon as he advances I panic because I don't feel anything and anticipate the refusal. It's like I go into panic mode and I really don't know why.

I was exactly like this op at just turned 41 and I started hrt and within a week I was rampant . It was absolutely transformative for both of us. Ask these nightly aches and pains slowly meter away, I was sleeping better, I smelled less musty (?!) and it really put a spring in my step. Dare I say it, I almost felt vibrant again!

Perhaps some therapy might help?

Also erotica.

Some really lovely underwear. Not tarty, scratchy Ann Summers tat. Silk and soft lace.

There's nothing wrong with you, you just need to work on your overall health. Eat healthy, exercise a bit and you'd be amazed at what will follow. Sex drive, mental health and how you feel about yourself. Good luck x

I agree with @bted. Communication is key.

I'm a male and in the same situation. We're both 39 and my wife has zero interest in sex. It started off 'ok', maybe once a week, but due to thyroid issues, it's once a month if I'm lucky. Sadly, it's always accompanied by an "ok, go on then" attitude, which REALLY knocks my confidence. I'll comply (because i like the feeling), but it's empty and emotionless from my side because even though she enjoys it in the moment (as OP said), the buildup isn't exactly a turn on. I don't pressure her, but every night when we snuggle, even if I have no intention, she'll say no sex and she'll actually say she doesn't want hugs because she's worried I'll be get turned on and hurt by her subsequent rejection. As such, I simply do not get erect anymore because my mind/body knows it's a waste of time.
I don't pressure her because I already know the answer, but I won't lie, every day, I have to remind myself that she loves me.

Hugs lead to her pulling back because she's worried I'll want more, but in pulling back, I feel rejected, which makes me less inclined to even touch her.

It basically gets to a point in the relationship where you're effectively just living as friends.

It's an awkward subject on MN as the official line is if you don't want sex, it's rape... but there's a massive difference between women who 'want to want it' and try for the sake of the relationship, and women who don't want it.

@Crushed23 The OP may be able to have testosterone prescribed from her GP if it turns out she's in peri menopause. Also there is Tibilone which is a synthetic hrt and has androgenic properties.

20 years ago (when I considered training in it, havent read about it since) sex therapy would suggest graded exposure for want of a better term.

So figure out where you want to be (full sex?) and grade down the steps until you're at something that feels achievable (clothed cuddles, moving to cuddles in your underwear or mutual touch with your clothes on) taking each step by step until it feels more comfortable. You need to share it with him though so he knows (not to move past cuddle stage for example)

Also, have you told him how you feel and how you do want to want him? I think that might help a little.

But I would also go to the GP. I think it's worth investigating health reasons but also maybe asking the GP for therapy for self esteem/depression?

You sound like you love him a lot, I hope things get easier for you.

39 is not too old for sex, how can you say that!? infact many women are just hitting their prime then.
Would you say it about a man?
And surely he is a bit saggy too

OP from what you describe, you sound as though you are peri menopausal. Your DH sounds lovely and your relationship sounds great so you owe it to yourself ( and your DH) to see your GP. Explain to your Dr about your low libido and other symptoms, and ask to start hrt. l am betting you will feel a difference pretty quickly; you will sleep better, anxiety should ease and often the hrt alone revives libido, although testosterone can also be added if necessary. Re how you feel about your little bit of extra weight l doubt your DH cares a jot, and if you feel better in yourself you will probably not care so much either!

You are kidding yourself and it’s not fair on him in any event. It’s part of the “exchange” on a relationship: find a way to up your libido or have the chat about giving him the option to leave.

Thankyou. There's been some really lovely and helpful replies.

I think I will go to the GP. I felt embarrassed but I'm sure they've heard it all.

The GP won’t prescribe Testosterone without checking levels and testing is not available on the NHS, as far as I’m aware. The test is not too expensive privately and definitely worth doing.

It's actually fantastic if you can still orgasm easily. I found that was first to go when my libido dropped. I'd wonder then if it's not physical at all. After a long relationship many women find their libido is only reactive ... so it isn't there until they actually start being sexual/having sex, rather than feeling horny and then having sex.

Two things helped me:

1. The worry DP would have an affair - it's happened to so many friends that panic set in
2. Appearance - losing a bit of weight, fake tan, new underwear, doing my hair and nails etc. Shallow I know but it's made a difference to how I feel about myself. I'm still saggy though.

@Crushed23 You are right in that Testosterone is not licensed for women on the NHS, but some enlightened GPs will still prescribe it. Also the OP could ask to be referred to a Menopause clinic. Of course its available privately, no problem! Also Tibilone is available from GPs and this has androgenic properties, so can help low libido, although HRT alone might be effective.( it was for me when l first went on it,many years ago! )

I think you would benefit from taking sex off the table for now.

Once you don’t have the knee jerk panic reaction you can start to relax and enjoy physical touch again.

Try to focus on how it feels rather than your mind being 10 miles down the road worrying about having sex.

Once you have broken the cycle of physical contact causing anxiety you can progress towards greater intimacy again

@Haun the pill/hormonal contraception commonly causes sex drive to decrease in women and oftenother mood changes. If you're on it, stop taking it and see if things improve

OP I feel for you. Sometimes I take a (prescribed) hormonal pessary to counteract post-menopausal dryness and it also helps with libido in the first place. Pure hormones!

This happened to me in my early 30s. Are you having any other perimenopause symptoms, because that could be the reason? Your sexual desire can change from something spontaneous to something that needs a bit of a warm up - you said you can get into it once you start sometimes.

There’s a book called Mind The Gap that might be worth reading, about how sexual desire changes. My menopause doctor recommended it to me.

You might be in perimenopause - mine started very early. Have a look into all the other symptoms and speak to your GP if any of it strikes a chord.

You mention low B12. Make sure you take any injections or supplements you’ve been given for that because low B12 can cause permanent neurological damage if you don’t address it.

I was single with low libido for a while. I did a bit of a health kick, losing some weight, improving my diet, vitamins, and most importantly started exercise and strength training and building muscle. My libido went up a lot. I really recommend it and I don't say that lightly. You have to do it for you though.

This! Worked for me.

It definitely sounds more like an emotional problem rather than a physical one. I don't think a Viagra for women (if there was one) would help in this situation. Especially if you're able to masturbate. Have you thought about maybe getting counselling for your low self-esteem and the way you feel about your body? I think if you tackle the emotional barriers the physical desire would follow.

Im following this with interest as someone with very similar feelings to OP (main difference - I never orgasm and find sex painful and rather vomit inducing so i suppose there's not much hope for me). i don't think buying some posh knickers, or dance classes are going to create desire or actual want.

(and yup I get all the 'the relationship won't last/it isn't fair on the man/other partner' but the OP isn't saying suck it up to her DH, she wants to make it better and it isn't hugely helpful to berate someone for not feeling sexual desire).

Genuinely though OP, you sound like you do enjoy aspects of personal intimacy with your partner. Why not go back to absolute basics and take sex off the table and just enjoy being with him physically and emotionally with no pressure to have sex or be naked if that is what feels difficult. The 'freezing' element maybe would be helped by some outside support, abuse can do al sorts of things to people - and just because past experiences were not sexual does not mean they don't impact on how we view and feel about our own bodies.

good luck