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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH went to a strip club

142 replies

octopusrus · 13/11/2023 09:38

Wow sounds such a fucking cliche.
Was a weekday night, not a stag or anything, just two blokes.
Can't get my head around it, of course he said no private dances went on blah blah but I just feel totally sick.
Can't sleep the last few nights from all the images in my head. He says they 'just went for drinks' but I actually want to explode that he thinks I might just think it's fine and like going to any old bar.
We have young teen DC and I'm just honestly reeling. I don't see how I'm ever going to be able to sleep with him or even kiss him without these images coming into my head.
I know realistically we can't split up a 20 year marriage over this but I honestly can't see how I'm going to get over it. I called a friend when I found out and she said it was just 'boys being boys' and not to overthink it, and it's really not a big deal. So why in my head do I feel so betrayed. Maybe I was expecting too much and being naive with porn on phones etc? Not that I've ever found him looking at that but of course doesn't mean he doesn't.
Just wish I'd never found out in some ways.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 13/11/2023 09:44

Yuk. Really, has he always been a bit of a sleeze?

Teapot32 · 13/11/2023 09:45

people have a very mixed view on this topic - if you don’t like it then that’s what he should have considered. Although would he have been aware it was a big deal for you?

me and DH used to go to a local strip club a lot as a female friend owned it and it was actually a really good night out, this was back in our early 20s). If he was to go without me now I wouldn’t be bothered I don’t think but that’s definitely a minority view (he’s not into them now anyway).

if you feel you can’t move past it but want to stay in the marriage then communicate with him as his reaction will tell you alot. Either he’s apologetic and didn’t really think about the consequences or he’s acting like a knob and isn’t sorry. If he shows remorse then time can heal when you’re ready for that. Also think about the trust levels - do you trust that he didn’t get a dance? Do you trust that the situation was innocent or is there some doubt there which is adding to your hurt?

hope your ok OP 💜

KnowYouAreLoved · 13/11/2023 09:48

No you don't have to be ok with this. It's not boys being boys, it's sleazy and disrespectful and utterly pathetic. I'd never view my DH in the same way if he did this as it would mean he isn't the man I think he is.

I don't know what to suggest but I just want you to know you don't have to minimise this and it's absolutely ok to be as upset as you like.

maximumcarnage · 13/11/2023 09:50

Did your DH know your views prior to his visit to the club?

lilyflower1803 · 13/11/2023 09:52

KnowYouAreLoved · 13/11/2023 09:48

No you don't have to be ok with this. It's not boys being boys, it's sleazy and disrespectful and utterly pathetic. I'd never view my DH in the same way if he did this as it would mean he isn't the man I think he is.

I don't know what to suggest but I just want you to know you don't have to minimise this and it's absolutely ok to be as upset as you like.

Agreed. Every woman is different but if this is where your values fall then you have every reason to feel like this- I would feel the same! If he knew your views prior then that makes it even worse, if he didn't, a bit of communication on the subject and how it made you feel is needed I think! X

CurlewKate · 13/11/2023 09:55

You have to decide whether you're prepared to condone the commodification of women. Simply that.

Masterofhappydays · 13/11/2023 09:57

KnowYouAreLoved · 13/11/2023 09:48

No you don't have to be ok with this. It's not boys being boys, it's sleazy and disrespectful and utterly pathetic. I'd never view my DH in the same way if he did this as it would mean he isn't the man I think he is.

I don't know what to suggest but I just want you to know you don't have to minimise this and it's absolutely ok to be as upset as you like.

There isn’t anything I can add to this.
I just want to send you an unmumsnetty hug, OP.

Pumpkindoodles · 13/11/2023 09:59

I’d be pretty upset. I think you need to work through why you are upset first, then try to understand his motives and then hopefully reach a point where you can agree what to do in future.
so for example do you care because you view it as cheating, or do you care because of trust or your own insecurities, or because you don’t trust what he says or because you are a feminist etc.
i think that will he’ll you figure out why it’s bothered you and how you can find a path forward
Then did he go because of peer pressure, or because he wanted to ogle women, or because he just thought it would be fun and didn’t think more than that or something else. How does he expect you to feel. How would he feel if it were the other way round (this is harder because the equivalent is more like if you were the stripper, or you danced provocatively in front of a man, than if you went to a strip club)
and then can you help him see why it bothers you.
and then decide what will happen in future, is he ok with never going to one again, or does he feel unhappy agreeing to that.

hopefully he just didn’t think it through, but it depends if he has form for doing things like this. I imagine he’ll be defensive too, it’s hard to be told you’ve done something wrong, and that you’re not ‘allowed’ to do it again, especially when it’s something lots of people view as a ‘boys will be boys’ situation and if he responds defensively or gets angry about being ‘told’ what to do, it’s going to make it harder for you to forgive him

FedUpOfInstaMum · 13/11/2023 09:59

I think I would react/feel the same way if this was me. I don't really have any advice unfortunately but just wanted you to know that.

Original poster
octopusrus · 13/11/2023 10:01

Thank you for those being kind. I'm a mess this morning and need to get myself together to do some work.

Obviously no he's not always been a sleaze which is why I'm knocked for six by this and not sleeping.

We hadn't talked about anything like this previously so I can't say I made my views clear exactly, I just wouldn't have expected it on a normal night out, he hardly goes out these days as it is. If he'd have been going on a stag do or something, I would probably have brought it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
octopusrus · 13/11/2023 10:04

As for his motives for going, he keeps repeating that it was just a late bar, other places were closed etc, won't admit at all that he went for anything other than drinks. Which is making me more angry as it's obviously not 'just a bar'.
He is apologetic but insists he didn't go near anyone so I think he's just expecting me to forget about it and move on. We just keep having the same discussions about it but we're not getting anywhere. I don't know what I want to happen.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 13/11/2023 10:05

Id make my views in it clear to him then. He can do as he pleases but not whilst in a relationship with you. His choice. I would not be happy, 20 years or not. However i have my boundaries and i say no strip joints if you want to be with me and no porn etc. Everyones different, thats my line.
Having boundaries and sticking to them lets him know you wont accept it in a relationship. He can leave or stay if he agrees or not.

Original poster
octopusrus · 13/11/2023 10:08

pumpkin no as far as I know he's never done anything like this before (possibly on a stag which I'd never find out about anyway but he's not been on one of those in about 10 years)

He is apologetic and not being overly defensive, but keeps switching back to his argument that they just went for drinks. So I'm stuck on a loop.

OP posts:
FedUpOfInstaMum · 13/11/2023 10:08

@octopusrus how did you find out? Did he tell you? What did he say?

Loubelle70 · 13/11/2023 10:09

octopusrus · 13/11/2023 10:01

Thank you for those being kind. I'm a mess this morning and need to get myself together to do some work.

Obviously no he's not always been a sleaze which is why I'm knocked for six by this and not sleeping.

We hadn't talked about anything like this previously so I can't say I made my views clear exactly, I just wouldn't have expected it on a normal night out, he hardly goes out these days as it is. If he'd have been going on a stag do or something, I would probably have brought it up.

Tbh i thought my ex of 25 years wasnt a sleaze and trusted him implicitly...until i innocently found things i wont repeat here.
See if its a one off but set your boundaries .if he crosses them again...get rid... because it will continue.

bombastix · 13/11/2023 10:10

Do you get to go to a bar of semi naked men late at night for a drink?

Original poster
octopusrus · 13/11/2023 10:10

He was back later than expected so I asked where he'd been, in the morning, and he told me. I can't really remember what he said as I just left when he'd said where they'd been. Then he text saying he understood why I was upset but they just wanted to go for another drink and everywhere else was closing.

OP posts:
Original poster
octopusrus · 13/11/2023 10:12

bombastix · 13/11/2023 10:10

Do you get to go to a bar of semi naked men late at night for a drink?

I've been through all this over and over with him, he just repeats it was a terrible decision but there was nothing else going on.

But I don't quite believe that, and as I've got no way of ever knowing for sure, it's just eating at me constantly.

OP posts:
bonkersAlice · 13/11/2023 10:15

............ she said it was just 'boys being boys' and not to overthink it, and it's really not a big deal

Yep, agree with that - calm down and get some fresh air.

bombastix · 13/11/2023 10:16

You tell him that next time you go out you may just have to get a drink with some random dressed bloke and see how he reacts

Loubelle70 · 13/11/2023 10:24

octopusrus · 13/11/2023 10:08

pumpkin no as far as I know he's never done anything like this before (possibly on a stag which I'd never find out about anyway but he's not been on one of those in about 10 years)

He is apologetic and not being overly defensive, but keeps switching back to his argument that they just went for drinks. So I'm stuck on a loop.

No. There's other pubs to have a drink in. Dont let this one go..hes rationalizing it..and thats shit tbh. How many times will he go if this is allowed? Under the guise of having a drink? Tell him theres other pubs...get a drink there else we are done.

Loubelle70 · 13/11/2023 10:27

octopusrus · 13/11/2023 10:10

He was back later than expected so I asked where he'd been, in the morning, and he told me. I can't really remember what he said as I just left when he'd said where they'd been. Then he text saying he understood why I was upset but they just wanted to go for another drink and everywhere else was closing.

So... he paid to go in a strip joint just for one last drink because other places were closed?!! Come in OP...what bloke will pay to go in a strip club just for one last drink...none..cos they want their moneys worth if they paid to get in..which they will have had to have done.
Please don't take the one last drink cos other places were closing as reasonable its not.
Tell him never again or youre done with the relationship...all you need to say

CurlewKate · 13/11/2023 10:29

"hopefully he just didn’t think it through,"

He's an adult. He shouldn't t have to think through whether or not he wants to be complicit in the exploitation of women.

Loubelle70 · 13/11/2023 10:29

bonkersAlice · 13/11/2023 10:15

............ she said it was just 'boys being boys' and not to overthink it, and it's really not a big deal

Yep, agree with that - calm down and get some fresh air.

Rubbish!!! Thats excusing men bollocks allover. Boys being boys is bullshit...its excuse for poor behaviour. OP dont listen to this...if you don't like it you dont...speak up for yourself

Loubelle70 · 13/11/2023 10:29

CurlewKate · 13/11/2023 10:29

"hopefully he just didn’t think it through,"

He's an adult. He shouldn't t have to think through whether or not he wants to be complicit in the exploitation of women.

Yes yes yes