DH went to a strip club

[octopusrus]

Wow sounds such a fucking cliche.
Was a weekday night, not a stag or anything, just two blokes.
Can't get my head around it, of course he said no private dances went on blah blah but I just feel totally sick.
Can't sleep the last few nights from all the images in my head. He says they 'just went for drinks' but I actually want to explode that he thinks I might just think it's fine and like going to any old bar.
We have young teen DC and I'm just honestly reeling. I don't see how I'm ever going to be able to sleep with him or even kiss him without these images coming into my head.
I know realistically we can't split up a 20 year marriage over this but I honestly can't see how I'm going to get over it. I called a friend when I found out and she said it was just 'boys being boys' and not to overthink it, and it's really not a big deal. So why in my head do I feel so betrayed. Maybe I was expecting too much and being naive with porn on phones etc? Not that I've ever found him looking at that but of course doesn't mean he doesn't.
Just wish I'd never found out in some ways.

Oh I am totally not accepting this as an excuse, I am just repeating what his responses have been. I am under no illusion at all that he knew exactly where he was going and what he was doing.
I pointed out that he wouldn't mind our DC working in a bar, but would he want them working there?

Bless you..horrible feeling..ive been there. Stick to your guns. Tell him never again as that's YOUR boundary ..if he does ...or you find out he has...youre outta there.

OP - what else is happening in your relationship or with you?
The sort of reaction you are having is not about strip club. Not ONLY about it.

I get not liking it. And being surprised.
But why are you in such panic and doubting him? Has he given you reasons to not trust him lately?

If this were my husband, I'd accept this completely. Your DH didn't attempt to hide where he'd been. When you're out drinking, the main thing is to find another drink. Any port in a storm!

You can make this as big or as little as seems right to you, OP. Just keep your wits about you and base your reaction on what's real in your own relationship, not on the judgements of internet strangers.

I don't think he will make thr same mistake again. You're not wrong to be upset (of course!) but your explanation suggests you will be OK after a stressful few months of introspection. I don't think it's LTB territory but definitely "you've been an idiot, and more" territory.

Tell you what, I'd have a good look at the account to see if this story is true. Very expensive drink or cash withdrawal in a large sum and this story is horseshit

I do feel pretty unconfident lately, just not very attractive and constantly trying to keep weight off etc. So the thought of all the comparisons to my body are not helping.

He has shown me the statement with 2 transactions for about £25 each, he said they got 3 rounds of drinks in there and he paid for 2. But he's not stupid and if necessary he'd have had his friend pay, or used cash he already had. I've got no idea how much these places cost to get into, how much dances are etc.

Aw, I'd be feeling exactly the same as you. I'd be fuming with him and also feeling upset and betrayed. However at least he did tell you the truth , better than if you'd found out in another way. And people saying it's not true he went just went for a last drink, they don't know that it's not true . Also know that they don't always charge to get in either.
I think allow your self time to be pissed off and upset and give him the chance to make it up to you and regain trust. I think if he's been a good bloke for 20 years other than this you can get passed it. Good luck

Private dances are about £25-50 depending on how dingy it is.

I'd be surprised if 2 drinks cost exactly £25.

Can you google the name of the place and see prices maybe, in Google reviews etc?

Sorry op I'd be the same, although tbf he'd be gone so not exactly the same, I get not wanting to let it go and don't blame you at all for making him suffer. He thought by being honest it would go in his favour, no big deal at least I told you blah blah. What a sleazy pathetic little man

Sympathy OP, DP has done very similar. It’s been about a year now and I’m not angry, jealous or anything like that but I just don’t see him in the same way anymore. He’s no longer the guy I thought he was, he’s the kind of sleaze who goes to strip clubs. I’m kind of keeping him at arm’s length in a way although we haven’t split up because he’s otherwise more or less ok (I do realise that’s not a brilliant endorsement!) we’ve been together for years, live together etc.

I don’t have any advice because I don’t know what to do either, will be interested to see what everyone else says.

@octopusrus

It happens to most of us in our 40s. Wrinkles appear, weight crops up. We are no longer the ‘young’ - not if we compare ourselves to the images on the screens and around…
Yes?

Thing is - it happens to everyone. To your H as well. He isn’t same young guy you met 20 years ago.
And in addition - younger and fitter women exist all around us. Your H sees them every day.

And so do you see younger muscular men on the streets, at work, in restaurants. Does the look of them make you want to leave for a better model?

Whatever your H saw at the strip club isn’t going to endanger your relationship. No more
than seeing women in bikini on the beach.

But - best thing you can do for yourself - is to try and do whatever makes you most confident - gym? healthier eating? New clothes?

Don’t torture your H because of how you are feeling about getting older.

It seems a bit unfair that if this was not discussed as being a boundary BEFORE he went that he should be hauled over the coals for it now. Yes it was a poor decision, yes it has upset you,and yes you need to discuss your boundaries with him. However, I do believe that this is very much a grey area for many men and women and if it has not been discussed before then how are you supposed to be aware of your partner's feelings on the subject. I, personally, would not have a problem with a partner going for a drink in a strip club. I would hope that my partner would not have a problem with me going to see something akin to the fully Monty. This thread has made me aware that perhaps this is something I would need to discuss with my partner BEFORE either of us went BUT only because I read this thread. Otherwise I would just assume, like I do with porn, that it's ok. Obviously once I knew and was aware of the hurt it would cause I would not go, but unaware of this I would just have gone.

Hmm

@jsku "But - best thing you can do for yourself - is to try and do whatever makes you most confident - gym? healthier eating? New clothes?"

Please tell me you're joking? Please....

flyingfoxgirl it's never occurred to me to bring it up, they were just going to the pub on a weeknight.

"It seems a bit unfair that if this was not discussed as being a boundary BEFORE he went that he should be hauled over the coals for it now."

Do we really have to tell our men that paying to drool over other women's semi naked (at the very least) bodies is going to be a boundary?

How about they take the initiative and check before they do anything that might be questionable? "Hey, just checking in, me and Keith are heading on to YoungTitties4All so we can grab another G&T, that ok?"

Do we need to cover all potential boundaries? "Try not to grope Sandra from Accounts on your Christmas do"?

Yes I know, that's my point. I wouldn't have brought it up either because for me it's not a big deal. But for you it is. So now you both know it's just unfortunate that it wasn't discussed before. But that is neither of your faults. Neither of you can be blamed. Have the discussion now, put it behind you as a learning experience and now that he knows he has no excuse in the future

I think if that was me I'd just let it go. It isn't a hill I would die on in a 20 year marriage. Do you really want to go through a divorce and lose your home, uproot your kids over this? You can make it quite clear that you are disgusted and feel betrayed by this as I would be and ask him why the hell he thinks you'd want to know he went to a strip club and then let it go.
Everyone makes mistakes and a long marriage means a lot of sacrifice and forgiveness. It's really hard. But divorce is really hard too. I'm divorced and facing retirement alone. I. Not in a happy ace right now. I won have been prepared to forgive mine but he left me for someone else.

OP none of this is about your appearance, young beautiful women get cheated on all the time. No one is immune.

The truth is that as a poster said above it has changed the way you see your DH. It depends on whether you can adapt to how you now see him if you can continue with the relationship. If you can fine, but if this is your red line then you have to confront him about it. He has lost the respect of his partner and that is his tragedy, not yours.

Op you did not have to tell your DH that paying to ogle over another womans body is going to upset you. This is not your fault in any way shape or form. Men aren't stupid, they all know there's a chance their missus won't be happy with this.

@CurlewKate

‘I do feel pretty unconfident lately, just not very attractive and constantly trying to keep weight off etc.’

This is how OP is feeling - and this has nothing to do with her H’s visit to the strip club. She was already feeling like that before.
We can, of course pile up on her H and be all scandalised. As this thread is already.

But in the end of the day it won’t change anything. And won’t help OP.

She won’t feel any better about herself if her H proves to her nothing happened. Or, even if he goes back in time and erases his strip club visit.

I am similar in age to OP, so i know how it all feels. And I am hoping to tell her something that would help the bigger issue.

I have no issues with strip clubs and I wouldn’t be upset if my DP went to one.
But that is me and not you.

You have every right to feel upset over this and no one else should invalidate your feelings.

IMO you have 3 choices.
1- Just forget about it and move on.
2- End the relationship over it.
3- Tell him that you’re unhappy he went and if he goes again then you’ll have to end things.

Mh choice would depend on whether he knew how strongly you felt about them.

If he knew you were against them and wouldn’t want him going to one, then I’d consider ending things.

If he didn’t realise how strongly you felt about them then it’s not fair to blame him for something he didn’t realise was wrong.
So I’d explain that you are upset and if it happens again he’d have to leave.

Men know which is why they do what they want and "confess" after.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply about this. I can understand there are different points of view and it's really helpful to have it all laid out for me to look at. The problem is when something happens like this in a relationship, you can't go and talk to your usual family/friends so it's very lonely and things end up getting wound round and round in my head without being able to talk it through.

DH and I had about an hour's talk just now.

He showed me all the bank statements including other accounts we have, and the only transactions were the 2 £25ish ones he showed me before. No cash withdrawals. He is adamantly sticking to the story that they went for 3 drinks, no dances, and it was a drunken decision that he didn't think about - hence him telling me the next morning.

We talked about how it's been intensified in my head due to my insecurities and he's tried to reassure me that he didn't go there with the intention of cheating or trying to get close to someone else. He pointed out (rightly I suppose?) that if he'd wanted a lap dance or similar, it would have been a planned thing, I'd have never found out.

I think he's surprised by how upset I am and he does seem genuinely sorry that he's made me feel this way. None of this of course takes into account the objectification issue which he admits he didn't think about at the time. Which is pretty shit but at least he admits it didn't cross his mind.

I know it's easy to say LTB. But the thought of ending our entire 20+ year marriage and uprooting our kids. They'd just be devastated. I thought our marriage was pretty good really before this.

How do you get past it? I know it's not an affair and I'm not trying to be dramatic but my stomach is just in knots ever since it happened.