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Original poster

DH went to a strip club

142 replies

octopusrus · 13/11/2023 09:38

Wow sounds such a fucking cliche.
Was a weekday night, not a stag or anything, just two blokes.
Can't get my head around it, of course he said no private dances went on blah blah but I just feel totally sick.
Can't sleep the last few nights from all the images in my head. He says they 'just went for drinks' but I actually want to explode that he thinks I might just think it's fine and like going to any old bar.
We have young teen DC and I'm just honestly reeling. I don't see how I'm ever going to be able to sleep with him or even kiss him without these images coming into my head.
I know realistically we can't split up a 20 year marriage over this but I honestly can't see how I'm going to get over it. I called a friend when I found out and she said it was just 'boys being boys' and not to overthink it, and it's really not a big deal. So why in my head do I feel so betrayed. Maybe I was expecting too much and being naive with porn on phones etc? Not that I've ever found him looking at that but of course doesn't mean he doesn't.
Just wish I'd never found out in some ways.

OP posts:
bombastix · 13/11/2023 14:30

You know what; a sports bar with strippers still needs a licence as a "sex entertainment venue" from your local council, so good luck on the "it's a pub with a few enthusiastic exhibitionist girls at the back"

NoraLuka · 13/11/2023 14:39

@octopusrus it was very similar, away with mates for a hobby they all do, went to a strip club one evening. Apparently they stayed for one drink then left, DP told me himself when he got home. I was trying to forget about it all then it came out that one of the guys had a stripper sitting on his lap (this wasn’t in the UK) and this guy’s girlfriend had previously told me that her DP enjoyed the weekend away but it was a shame he didn’t feel well and couldn’t go out with the others in the evening 🙄 So basically I’ve got the ick about the whole lot of them, including DP. Isn’t there a saying along the lines of ‘look at a person’s friends and you’ll see who they are’?

I keep thinking I’ve got past it but I don’t think I have really, not sure what to do about that.

Mrsttcno1 · 13/11/2023 14:41

bombastix · 13/11/2023 14:30

You know what; a sports bar with strippers still needs a licence as a "sex entertainment venue" from your local council, so good luck on the "it's a pub with a few enthusiastic exhibitionist girls at the back"

I don’t understand your point? What difference does the council license have on the situation? I’m not saying it’s not a strip club, I’m telling OP what these ones where I am are like.

FedUpOfInstaMum · 13/11/2023 15:09

Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/11/2023 13:40

Ex lapdancer here - while it wasn't massively common for men to come in 'just for a drink' (no matter the time), it DID happen, so he may well be telling the truth.

There were also many men with wives and girlfriends who came in on stags/nights out/birthdays and were total sleazes, asking for extras and saying horrible things about their partners.

There were also many men with wives and girlfriends who came in once and became obsessed with either a particular woman (we were paid to make them feel like we wanted them, after all) or just the fact that they could see (or touch, not all clubs are 'no touching', even the ones that say it in the rules!) lots of naked women. Those were the type that would start coming in randomly during the week (saying they were out with their mates), or on their lunch breaks.

I guarantee that plenty of their wives/girlfriends trusted them completely and thought they were loving and respectful family men.

And, yes, it's very much clouded my view of men ever since!

What horrible things did the husbands say about their wife?

Bookworm20 · 13/11/2023 15:52

Megifer · 13/11/2023 11:23

"It seems a bit unfair that if this was not discussed as being a boundary BEFORE he went that he should be hauled over the coals for it now."

Do we really have to tell our men that paying to drool over other women's semi naked (at the very least) bodies is going to be a boundary?

How about they take the initiative and check before they do anything that might be questionable? "Hey, just checking in, me and Keith are heading on to YoungTitties4All so we can grab another G&T, that ok?"

Do we need to cover all potential boundaries? "Try not to grope Sandra from Accounts on your Christmas do"?

This.

He really needed it spelt out that you might be a bit upset at him going for a drink in a bar full of naked women? Where he could pay for god knows what along with his G&T?
I mean, poor bloke. How could he possibly have known? FFS.

OP I'd be gutted. I can categorically say that I would end my relationship with DP if he went to a strip club. or anywhere which exploited women for mens sexual entertainment. And its not because i'm 'a prude' or 'jealous' or 'insecure' or any of the other tripe men come out with. Its because thats my boundary and I could quite simply not be intimate with a man who viewed women in that way. Never mind the whole disrespect of it all to me, his partner.
And then he states he did it just for a last drink, I mean WTF! So he risked hurting you for the sake of one last drink. Wow. Just wow.

VanityDiesHard · 13/11/2023 16:02

Honestly? I don't think it is a big deal. If he knew that you weren't ok with it, that is one thing. But I don't personally see it as any different from watching porn (unless he got a private dance, which you said he did not) I'm not saying you are wrong to be upset, and I definitely would make your feelings clear going forward, but I don't think it is as awful as some on this thread are making out.

VanityDiesHard · 13/11/2023 16:03

octopusrus · 13/11/2023 10:10

He was back later than expected so I asked where he'd been, in the morning, and he told me. I can't really remember what he said as I just left when he'd said where they'd been. Then he text saying he understood why I was upset but they just wanted to go for another drink and everywhere else was closing.

I would actually find his honesty a green flag. If he were in the habit of doing this often, getting private dances, etc, he most likely would have lied about his whereabouts.

VanityDiesHard · 13/11/2023 16:05

Alcemeg · 13/11/2023 10:34

If this were my husband, I'd accept this completely. Your DH didn't attempt to hide where he'd been. When you're out drinking, the main thing is to find another drink. Any port in a storm!

You can make this as big or as little as seems right to you, OP. Just keep your wits about you and base your reaction on what's real in your own relationship, not on the judgements of internet strangers.

Show quote history

This exactly.

Megifer · 13/11/2023 16:27

VanityDiesHard · 13/11/2023 16:03

I would actually find his honesty a green flag. If he were in the habit of doing this often, getting private dances, etc, he most likely would have lied about his whereabouts.

Show quote history

Really? I think its a huge red flag. Bit like when your DC tell you they've e.g. broke a window so you applaud their honesty, but they've actually left out that it broke during a massive house party.

Hamburger233 · 13/11/2023 16:29

He couldn't go elsewhere for drinks or wrap the night up if normal, non sex industry venues were no longer open??

Hamburger233 · 13/11/2023 16:32

As for not specifically saying no beforehand/not making views clear ..... It's a cop out

Everyone knows its not something neutral.

Those men are just taking the "better to ask (expect) forgiveness than permission" approach

They reckon they won't get divorced ... Not with a woman stuck with them, with kids, mortgage etc ... So they'll get away with it.

And the women can just take the discomfort, pain etc. on the chin.

I found it damaged my feeling of sexual exclusively and intimacy...whether he had a private dance or not .

And if he'd had a PD I don't think we'd be together.

VanityDiesHard · 13/11/2023 16:33

Megifer · 13/11/2023 16:27

Really? I think its a huge red flag. Bit like when your DC tell you they've e.g. broke a window so you applaud their honesty, but they've actually left out that it broke during a massive house party.

Show quote history

Not really like that at all. For one thing, her husband is an adult, she isn't the boss of him the way she would be of children who had a house party. For another, I really don't think that he needed to tell the truth, he could have come up with an excuse (and I think if he was addicted to strip clubs, he would have lied in the way that most addicts lie)

VanityDiesHard · 13/11/2023 16:34

Hamburger233 · 13/11/2023 16:32

As for not specifically saying no beforehand/not making views clear ..... It's a cop out

Everyone knows its not something neutral.

Those men are just taking the "better to ask (expect) forgiveness than permission" approach

They reckon they won't get divorced ... Not with a woman stuck with them, with kids, mortgage etc ... So they'll get away with it.

And the women can just take the discomfort, pain etc. on the chin.

I found it damaged my feeling of sexual exclusively and intimacy...whether he had a private dance or not .

And if he'd had a PD I don't think we'd be together.

Edited

I agree with you that a PD would be crossing a line. To me, that is analogous to sleeping with a prostitute, whereas just being there is more analogous to porn (which I don't have any problem with at all)

Hamburger233 · 13/11/2023 16:36

Well now he's seen fit to introduce this into your relationship.... There are no male lap dancing clubs really do it's gotta be hiring a couple of male strippers to an air BnB or similar.

Do that the next time you have a girls night out ..... And bet he won't like it one fkg bit

Men are very good at giving this shit out and it "means nothing" but it's somehow not ok when they're on the receiving end.

JenniferBooth · 13/11/2023 17:17

@Hamburger233 its one of the reasons these types of men dont like child free by choice women. Much easier for us to just walk.

Bluela18 · 13/11/2023 17:17

I wouldn't like this either. I think the fact he told you where he was in the morning, probably shows it was something he felt he didn't have to hide as he'd done nothing wrong. He didn't have to tell you but he did. 3 drinks could well add up £25. I'd definitely express to him that you do not wish him to do it again, there's not really any need for it as he's a married family man. You will be upset and hurt for a few weeks . I think though if he every did anything like that again after you clearly expressing you didn't like it , then I'd question his trust!!

CurlewKate · 13/11/2023 17:19

@To me, that is analogous to sleeping with a prostitute, whereas just being there is more analogous to porn (which I don't have any problem with at all)"

So you have no problem with men wanking over videos of potentially exploited and trafficked women? You don't have a problem with men regarding women as commodities to be bought and sold?

VanityDiesHard · 13/11/2023 17:24

CurlewKate · 13/11/2023 17:19

@To me, that is analogous to sleeping with a prostitute, whereas just being there is more analogous to porn (which I don't have any problem with at all)"

So you have no problem with men wanking over videos of potentially exploited and trafficked women? You don't have a problem with men regarding women as commodities to be bought and sold?

I am not going to get into a big discussion about porn. Not everyone who does it is a victim or trafficked, it is a career. I don't have a problem with my partner watching it, as I don't consider it cheating. I also watch it, and I watch men in it. It isn't just women who are porn actors! In a capitalist society, everyone's labour is 'commodified' in one way or another.

bombastix · 13/11/2023 17:29

@VanityDiesHard - you mean you make people commodities for your own enjoyment. Different thing

BodegaSushi · 13/11/2023 17:41

bombastix · 13/11/2023 10:16

You tell him that next time you go out you may just have to get a drink with some random dressed bloke and see how he reacts

Except that would never happen, would it? Strip clubs, as they exist for men, don't exist for women.

A quick google has found me a 'magic Mike' type of show. Vastly different.

Flyingfoxgirl · 13/11/2023 17:52

I'm sorry but I don't think that "everyone knows it's not neutral". Until I read this thread I (a woman) did not think there was anything wrong with it.

@CurlewKate As a PP said she was a lap dancer- are you suggesting that she is a victim of trafficking? Yes some woman in the sex industry are victims and obviously should be protected but others do it as a job - and often a better paid job at that. It's their body and their choice. There is still illegal slave labour in the UK surrounding people being brought in to work on fruit and vegetable farms which supply some major supermarkets - I don't hear anyone discussing boycotting supermarkets on the same principle of exploitation and divorcing their partner of 20 year because they bought spuds in Asda. This is not the issue.

I maintain that this needs bringing back into proportion. The discussion had not been had that going into this type of club was not acceptable to OP (obviously she has every right to have this as a boundary for whatever reason and now he knows). The mistake was made. No naked women were apparently wandering round waving their tits in his face (as another PP so delicately phrased it). He was in a bar which had a strip club out the back that he did not go into. He told his wife without being interrogated and without realising it would upset her and has now been made aware that this is in fact an issue. If it happens again I would be baying for blood and encouraging OP to consider her position and her relationship since he must now be aware that it is something she is uncomfortable with. As it is I think we should just give the guy a break and all calm the fuck down.

VanityDiesHard · 13/11/2023 17:54

Flyingfoxgirl · 13/11/2023 17:52

I'm sorry but I don't think that "everyone knows it's not neutral". Until I read this thread I (a woman) did not think there was anything wrong with it.

@CurlewKate As a PP said she was a lap dancer- are you suggesting that she is a victim of trafficking? Yes some woman in the sex industry are victims and obviously should be protected but others do it as a job - and often a better paid job at that. It's their body and their choice. There is still illegal slave labour in the UK surrounding people being brought in to work on fruit and vegetable farms which supply some major supermarkets - I don't hear anyone discussing boycotting supermarkets on the same principle of exploitation and divorcing their partner of 20 year because they bought spuds in Asda. This is not the issue.

I maintain that this needs bringing back into proportion. The discussion had not been had that going into this type of club was not acceptable to OP (obviously she has every right to have this as a boundary for whatever reason and now he knows). The mistake was made. No naked women were apparently wandering round waving their tits in his face (as another PP so delicately phrased it). He was in a bar which had a strip club out the back that he did not go into. He told his wife without being interrogated and without realising it would upset her and has now been made aware that this is in fact an issue. If it happens again I would be baying for blood and encouraging OP to consider her position and her relationship since he must now be aware that it is something she is uncomfortable with. As it is I think we should just give the guy a break and all calm the fuck down.

Hear hear! I especially agree about the selective outrage re trafficking. I suspect that it is good old fashioned prudery dressed up as concern for 'victims'.

CurlewKate · 13/11/2023 18:09

@VanityDiesHard "I especially agree about the selective outrage re trafficking. I suspect that it is good old fashioned prudery dressed up as concern for 'victims'"

You suspect wrongly.

Didimum · 13/11/2023 18:12

I don't think you should be having to 'talk yourself round' on this, OP. Why should you? You are hurt. He has hurt you. I wouldn't be able to 'get over it' either, and yes I would be considering breaking up my marriage over it. I would most certainly go to counselling with my husband to start getting over it.

Didimum · 13/11/2023 18:15

VanityDiesHard · 13/11/2023 17:54

Hear hear! I especially agree about the selective outrage re trafficking. I suspect that it is good old fashioned prudery dressed up as concern for 'victims'.

Show quote history

Yeah, OK, not wanting your husbands face in another woman's tits is simply 'good old fashioned prudery'. Got it.

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