DH went to a strip club

[octopusrus]

Wow sounds such a fucking cliche.
Was a weekday night, not a stag or anything, just two blokes.
Can't get my head around it, of course he said no private dances went on blah blah but I just feel totally sick.
Can't sleep the last few nights from all the images in my head. He says they 'just went for drinks' but I actually want to explode that he thinks I might just think it's fine and like going to any old bar.
We have young teen DC and I'm just honestly reeling. I don't see how I'm ever going to be able to sleep with him or even kiss him without these images coming into my head.
I know realistically we can't split up a 20 year marriage over this but I honestly can't see how I'm going to get over it. I called a friend when I found out and she said it was just 'boys being boys' and not to overthink it, and it's really not a big deal. So why in my head do I feel so betrayed. Maybe I was expecting too much and being naive with porn on phones etc? Not that I've ever found him looking at that but of course doesn't mean he doesn't.
Just wish I'd never found out in some ways.

To put a slightly different perspective on it….I once went to a strip bar, for the exact reasons that your DH gave, because it was the only place open at that time. I am a heterosexual woman, but, after drinking enough for about 20 people, it seemed a great idea 🤦‍♀️ I have also known a few dancers and they definitely were not trafficked or exploited. It was just a job, that paid well and worked for them in terms of uni hours and/or child care. Obviously that does not mean that some dancers are not being taken advantage of and I would never go back to a strip club (I have to be honest, it was seedy and grim. I sobered up sharpish and left) But, your DH didn’t lie about where he had been, he was honest. I would tell him you are upset and why, but I don’t think it’s a LTB situation.

@VanityDiesHard "Yes some woman in the sex industry are victims and obviously should be protected but others do it as a job"

Out of interest- how do you tell the difference?

To be fair, you're a hetero woman, so the element of you getting sexual gratification outside of your marriage in a real-time setting isn't there.

Didn't realise I was a prude to think its not ok for someone's partner to pay to have another womans tits shoved in their face (at the very least in these places).

If you honestly think that’s what happens in “these places” it really shows how naive you are about them in the first place. Believe me, in the VAST majority of them especially in city centres, there are not women walking around person to person “shoving” their tits in anyone’s face. There are dancers on stage, and a man could approach them for a private dance etc if they wanted to, but they aren’t having tits SHOVED anywhere if they’re just sitting in the bar area of a strip club having a drink 🤣

When I was on the receiving end of this ... Though it was on a stag do ... And apparently he had no PD, I found a place that was a typical male strip show followed by an upstairs strip club called Lap Attack.

It was on the main road through Streatham in London but is now closed down. The building is even demolished.

There was something similar in Nottingham at the time.

Stringfellows apparently had male strippers as well as female but my mate who went said she thought they were more for male clientele perhaps and that you were in the same area as the female strippers/lap dancers so you were subjected to that whether you wanted to be or not.

My now h agreed that it was inappropriate in a relationship before I went to the male strip club, but I did it anyway, it's amazing how having it done to them focuses their tiny minds.

One of the strippers was very full on, but I felt zero guilt whatsoever, in fact I felt grim satisfaction, because (some) men think it's ok to do this shit to us.

They vary a lot

In some "dancers" will sit with and chat with customers .. aiming for a pd purchase, wearing lingerie

Some also do "table dances" with the price of entry. Topless and knickers pulled down to knees at the end of the "dance".

So you're not entirely correct.

Sorry, I'll rephrase "to watch semi naked women dance around poles and have the opportunity to get tits shoved in their face under the guise of it not being discussed as a boundary breaker and lads being lads"

Yes, youre right, that sounds much better 🤣

In both situations you’ve mentioned, neither is a hard sell. If you are genuinely there as it’s the end of the night and you want another drink (which as I say, lots of people do with these particular 2 in our city) then when approached for either option you simply say “no thank you”, just like you would if you’re in a bar and approached by a man or woman flirting.

It must be prudery when men are uncomfortable with other men getting butt naked, swinging their dick near their partner/wife, possibly doing a bit of grinding or simulated fucking over her etc. too, eh.

Or if she did the equivalent for a male stripper.

Funny how most men aren't too keen on things like that, they must all be terrible prudes too.

Yet somehow a percentage of these prudish men find their way into strip joints, and an even bigger percentage on stag do's.

(Oh, sorry - the stag do's are often in EE where gangs run brothels fronting as strip clubs and men going for private dances disappear for 45 mins. Must have been a multi track private dance).

You're totally missed the point.

No, I think you’ve missed the point. MY point was that even somewhere like a strip club, nobody is having tits SHOVED in their faces.

Back on topic op - I think he thought, like many men of his ilk, that it might be bad (ish) .. but not bad enough for you to leave (I mean it's not an affair or a prostitute - such high expectations of behaviour they have for themselves, such integrity!); so you could just lump it.

Possibly he also just lacks empathy. Not a great partner character trait. And possibly he's affected by toxic masculinity too. Again, not a great character trait for a partner.

I'd do it back to him (it's amazing how they develop empathy then(, and then decide what you want to do.

If you stay, he's clearly set the tone for what your marriage/relationship/life is to be like - the man in strip clubs for a drink (when he could get a drink elsewhere); assuming that's his perogative/right/nothing really wrong with it.

It's not exactly romantic and high integrity is it. So I wouldnt consider my relationship romantic or valuable if you do stay. And act accordingly.

No I haven't.

You're being purposely obtuse. Or you just are obtuse.

I doubt she meant literally - most ppl would have grasped that.

They do have almost naked and naked women at close quarters, women who are keen for them to buy private dances ..... So her point is relevant.

And they tend to reserve the tits literally in face for private dances .... But you never know.

Who cares? It’s still a perfectly accept boundary in a marriage to expect your husband not to engage in that.

Really. Many films have gratuitous nudity and sex scenes. I can't really see the difference.

Strip clubs don't exploit women. Women get fairly well paid voluntarily taking off their clothes.

Low wages exploit women, but MN doesn't much care because the exploited women are allowed to keep their clothes on.

You cant see the difference between someone being on a screen and someone being right in front of you. If you are university educated i suggest you ask for your money back!

You clearly can't see the difference either or you would have explained it to me.

Precisely. Fortunately, most people in the real world are not so blinkered and naive. I just hope that the OP doesn't take all the awfulizing to heart. It's fine for her to have that boundary, but it isn't fine for all these mumsnetters to tell her that her DH is the next best thing to a people trafficker. Good grief.

You cannot see the difference between a live person stripping and a nude scene in a movie?

I am also an ex dancer/stripper so I’m pretty non prudish. However, I wouldn’t want my husband hanging out in that type of establishment, largely because he is better than that. I’m not sure if it’s because I have a jaded view of the males who do visit strip clubs from how the majority behaved while I worked in one, but I think if my DH did visit one, I’d be viewing him in a whole new light with my ick googles on. Only because most men who were punters were absolute grubs.

Another poster commented a few pages ago, that she was a stripper too and husbands used to come in and say gross things about their spouses. I too had that experience. Things like “why can’t my wife be like you” or “she’s like a log to shag” or “she doesn’t turn me on so I have to come here and go home thinking of you while I fuck her”…. Many called their wives ugly fat pigs or frigid bitches. So very heartbreaking that these ‘men’ were making babies with these poor women.

These men were also vile to us. Would be all over us saying how we were the women of their dreams and they’d do anything for us. All while critical of our bodies. “Tits not big enough” or “she looks too fake”, she’s too thin, she’s too flabby. As soon as we reject offers of money for extras, these men would become extremely nasty telling us how they basically own us because they have paid us. We should be grateful that men like that are paying to see girls like us. “If it wasn’t for me you would be living on the streets”… stuff like that.
It is a different world in a strip club, at least the ones I worked in anyway. It changed my view of men and I think it helps me really know when I spot a good family man. They do exist.

Although me and my colleagues at the time weren’t exploited, we were all young and naive students. Most of us weren’t citizens so we couldn’t get student loans in the UK so really needed the money. However, despite that, we were treated appallingly.

OP, I don’t know what to say to you other than I really do understand how you’re feeling right now. Give yourself time to work through your feelings x

Another one who can't explain the difference between stripping and a nude scene in a movie.

. Many called their wives ugly fat pigs or frigid bitches. So very heartbreaking that these ‘men’ were making babies with these poor women

So why stay with them then? oh wait yes i already said why. They just see them as a human domestic appliance and are frightened they would have to clean up their own shit if they leave

Some people will tell themselves absolutely ANYTHING to justify 'being ok' with strip clubs etc. I assume you want us to know how incredibly cool and right on and secure you are? Girl power to the women working there, the exploitation is of the men. Riiiight.

You must know deep down you are wildly wrong and that these places are damaging in a multitude of ways? And that women are actually concerned about the safety and dignity of other women. No, no, we're all prudes apparently. Resorting to name calling rather than facing reality.

I thought as you were quite coherent so there’d be some level of intelligence. Dang. You really need it explained or are you just deliberately being obtuse?

I’ll bite anyway.

Margot Robbie stripping in wolf of Wall Street - the likelihood of a regular man interacting with her is likely never going to happen. She doesn’t talk to him, make him feel special. He doesn’t pay her to do things. He isn’t parting with his money to own her time. He therefore doesn’t begin to think “I’ve paid for this women so she owes me such and such”… she is just a 2D pixelated character on a screen who he cannot smell or touch or talk to. It’s not real.

Me or some other woman stripping in a club. The man is paying directly, therefore usually feels he has paid access to our bodies. We are there, real, within touching distance. You can feel body heat from one another and smell one another.
We interacted with these men, on a personal level. They told us about their wives and jobs and kids. Margot doesn’t know that Alan is an accountant and is married to “a fat pig called Sheila who doesn’t put out”.
We are paid to make the men feel special so they pay us more. Margot doesn’t make anyone’s husband (other than her own) feel like he’s the most incredible man on the planet.
There is no screen. Do I need to explain that things on a screen and things in your lap are different, one is more personal than the other? Do you know that watching an actress like the beautiful Margot stripping in a movie is not personal for the viewer. She’s stripping because she is acting, it’s an art, she is stripping for the sake of the movie, not because Alan and Steve paid her to. Me stripping, if a paid dance, is deeply personal. I can smell them and they can smell me. They are inches from my body while I gyrate on them. They could hurt me if they wanted to. Margot stripping in Hollywood is safe. My colleagues and I weren’t always safe.

I suppose a lot of it comes down to interaction. A lot of women accept their partners watching porn but will not tolerate only fans because of the interaction element. But a Hollywood actress stripping in a movie isn’t personal, real-time or creating a feeling of obtainable for viewers. Those men who watched us strip were usually so self assured, they would have thought we’d want them.

That’s the reality of it sometimes, unfortunately :-(