DH went to a strip club

[octopusrus]

Wow sounds such a fucking cliche.
Was a weekday night, not a stag or anything, just two blokes.
Can't get my head around it, of course he said no private dances went on blah blah but I just feel totally sick.
Can't sleep the last few nights from all the images in my head. He says they 'just went for drinks' but I actually want to explode that he thinks I might just think it's fine and like going to any old bar.
We have young teen DC and I'm just honestly reeling. I don't see how I'm ever going to be able to sleep with him or even kiss him without these images coming into my head.
I know realistically we can't split up a 20 year marriage over this but I honestly can't see how I'm going to get over it. I called a friend when I found out and she said it was just 'boys being boys' and not to overthink it, and it's really not a big deal. So why in my head do I feel so betrayed. Maybe I was expecting too much and being naive with porn on phones etc? Not that I've ever found him looking at that but of course doesn't mean he doesn't.
Just wish I'd never found out in some ways.

It sounds like he didn't know that this would be such a big deal for you, otherwise he wouldn't have willingly told you.

I've been to a strip club for a drink before just because everything else had shut. I've done the same at the casino, even though I never gamble. Its just somewhere to continue drinking and talking to your mates

Personally I think that given that you've not expressed how unhappy you'd be about this previously, ending the relationship over it would be a bit much. He's not actually broken any boundary that you've set in your relationship.

I'd advise anyone getting into a relationship to have these conversations very early on, around what you consider appropriate, what you consider cheating etc

This.

The chances are that if he's happy enough to take the risk of going to a strip club, knowing that this probably would be frowned upon by his partner, then he's probably also following, leering and wanking over an assortment of young women on social media (instagram etc.).

For those pp who have been in strip clubs - is anyone able to tell me how it works if you just 'go in for drinks'??
He said they were at the bar and if they'd have wanted to see anyone they'd have had to go in a separate part of the club and pay. He said they didn't have to pay to get in.
Is this true? I know every place is probably different. Also aren't there girls wandering around/dancing everywhere in the club including the bar area?

I do know to take what he's saying with suspicion, I'm just clueless as to what actually happens in these places.

It does depend on the place I think. I've only been in three, and one was in Australia so may be different to the UK.

The one in the Australia had a stage with a pole, and women danced and stripped, keeping their knickers on. If you wanted to see more, you had to pay for a private dance, which happened in a separate room.

The two I've been to in the UK had very different vibes, but the same process as each other. One was a bit like a posh bar, one like a seedy nightclub. But both you sat at the bar or a table, chatted to your mates, and every so often one of the women would come round to chat and try and convince you to have a lapdance. Again, if you wanted a lapdance, you were taken to a private room.

The one and only time I've had a lapdance I was with my partner. Very strict no touching rule (although loosened a bit for my partner), and a very big burly man stationed right outside the door to the room, presumably in case the no touching rule was broken or nonpayment etc.

Ignore the money. The reason you are upset is that you think it sleazy. And it is, because the alternative is simply to go home.

That doesn't matter. Any man that thinks this is okay in his own opinion isn't a man many women want to be with.
It shouldn't be about him not doing it because his wife doesn't like it.

Exactly.. once the ick sets in that's it. He has ruined it over being a sleaze. Hope it was worth it

Yuck, don't listen to this OP..

NoraLuka I'm sorry to hear you've been through the same thing. Was it a similar situation or was there more involved?
It's sad you've not been able to get past it, and it makes me wonder if I'm going to be in the same position in a year's time.

I know it's sounds cheesy but probably as time passes you won't feel as upset about it and it will have blown over. You will still remember how it made you feel though. I sympathise with you because I would feel the same.

You made it clear how you feel and if you want to continue with the marriage you are going to have to try and draw a line under it.

Ex lapdancer here - while it wasn't massively common for men to come in 'just for a drink' (no matter the time), it DID happen, so he may well be telling the truth.

There were also many men with wives and girlfriends who came in on stags/nights out/birthdays and were total sleazes, asking for extras and saying horrible things about their partners.

There were also many men with wives and girlfriends who came in once and became obsessed with either a particular woman (we were paid to make them feel like we wanted them, after all) or just the fact that they could see (or touch, not all clubs are 'no touching', even the ones that say it in the rules!) lots of naked women. Those were the type that would start coming in randomly during the week (saying they were out with their mates), or on their lunch breaks.

I guarantee that plenty of their wives/girlfriends trusted them completely and thought they were loving and respectful family men.

And, yes, it's very much clouded my view of men ever since!

@octopusrus - *
"I know it's easy to say LTB. But the thought of ending our entire 20+ year marriage and uprooting our kids. They'd just be devastated. I thought our marriage was pretty good really before this".*

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. It's a lot to work through. The above paragraph is the key bit that you need to focus on really, particularly the last line.

Have you and your H discussed issues such as sex work, strip clubs, porn etc before? Or have you made an assumption that he thinks the same way as you? My DH went on a skiing weekend with some workmates once and came back incensed that one of torture to get the rest of them to go to a strip club. He hasn't socialised with the ones who went since as he lost respect for them after they chose to go despite him telling them what his objections were. One of the hardest things he found to deal with was that the main instigator knew all the arguments but just didn't care because they were "just strippers". That was one of the first times he realised that some men aren't ignorant to the issues but see women only in terms of what they can offer men.

OTOH, some men can change considerably once things are explained to them.

You need to know which category yours falls into because it has significant implications for how you are viewed in your relationship by your DH.

Hope you find a way through. 💐

Firstly ask yourself if your DH would expect those feelings and therefore feels fairly confident telling you because he knows you'll likely tolerate it.

"He said they were at the bar and if they'd have wanted to see anyone they'd have had to go in a separate part of the club and pay. He said they didn't have to pay to get in.
Is this true"

Oooof he seemed to be doing so well...... id be extremely surprised if a strip club - who's sole objective and business is to get losers to part with money - would hide their core business model away in another part of the club.

I’m against DH going to strip clubs. However, I can vouch about it being a late bar and that being it.

I have friends who are strippers, they enjoy it and do it as a preference. Of course not all will be this way, but the women I know chose it over low paid work.

I think it’s unfortunate and I’m sorry, he needs to understand the reason and maybe you should consider counselling? However, you can take as long as you need to recover

You've got children, explain where dad went on the other night.

Family man.

Sounds like you've lost respect for him.

Tell him you have just got a job in one of these clubs to make some extra money for Christmas and watch his reaction

Do we really need to explicitly tell our partners that paying to look at another womans tits and having their vulva 2mm from their nostrils is a boundary?

Anything else obvious we should be covering in boundary conversations with our poor clueless partners?

There were also many men with wives and girlfriends who came in on stags/nights out/birthdays and were total sleazes, asking for extras and saying horrible things about their partners

The type of men who say they arent turned on by their partners any more but wont leave because that would mean they would lose their human domestic appliance and would have to do housework themselves plus 50/50 childcare.

Sexist misogynistic pricks in other words.

Lol, I know.

And I bet he's the type that wouldn't appreciate his wife going topless on a beach.

These male rules.

Op doesn't need to tell him if he's never told her it's a boundary 👍

Sexist misogynistic pricks in other words.

It says so much about the married male who dips his toe into another world for fun and japes, always led along like a sheep by friends, they are always the innocent one who gets led astray.

It's a bounday pusher and actually reveals a lot in terms of what type of man they are and who they will become.

It's not just an innocent night out, it's an act of defiance when they are in the type of relationship whereby they know it's going to hurt their partner, he knew didn't he, he pushed it.

I know plenty of young lads and lasses who have been in these places for after drinks, usually single, unattached groups of mixed people, with no one to take into account in the backgroud.

There is a line whereby it becomes sleazy when someone is coupled up in a ltr or married, it's not respectful, regardless of if you agree with the morality of these places, they exist.
It does no marriage any good for husbands to hang out in these places.

Good call.

It's the same with porn, if wives started setting up web camms in the bedroom for a bit of harmless porn pin money.

One rule for them.

Nice one @Megifer 😉

Obviously I can’t speak for the exact one he went to, but honestly I totally can say that what he’s saying would be true for some of the ones where I live!

There are 2 in our city that are technically strip clubs but they’re not at all what you’d think. One of them is actually more of a sports bar and gets a massive crowd for football/boxing, does deals on pints and chicken wings that kind of thing, they also have loads of pool tables and darts, the only “strip club” vibe is in one specific part of the bar at the back, not the sleazy vibe you would probably imagine! That’s open til 5am where most of the pubs in town close at 1am, there are nightclubs open later than 1am but if you want to sit and have a drink then yeah that’s one of your only options.

The other one again is a strip club but it’s also just a late night bar, again open til 5am, yeah there are women dancing on the stage but it’s nothing like what you see in films, they aren’t walking around to you, and they certainly aren’t interested in any of the men there (in the nicest way possible), it’s just a job.

Also for both clubs he is right, you have to pay to get into the “back” where the show is, the front bit is just a bar/restaurant/pub x

OP, I feel so sorry for you.

You clearly thought you had one of the good guys (& there are so few of them) and then you've found out after 20 years that he's a sleaze ☹️

That is really going to rock the foundations of your marriage and completely change the way you look at him.

Have you explained to him that one of the things you loved about him is that you truly believed he wasn't the type of misogynistic twat who would go to a strip bar and now that you know he is, you're going to have to work out if his other qualities are enough.

You're a woman married to a man and you've just discovered your H thinks women are commodities that can be bought and sold and used like slaves; yuck.

It would be the equivalent of him being black and finding out one day that you're racist and think that black people are somehow "lesser" than white; how would he feel about that?