Husband told me tonight that he’s leaving me …

[InShockHusbandLeaving]

…and I’m sitting here in shock. I’m his second wife. I wasn’t the OW and I’m not younger than him. It’s my first marriage, and will definitely be my last because I never want to go through this again. We have a grown up son. H has been verbally abusive for years and often reduced me to tears with his nasty put downs and the outrageous lies that he tells about me but I always thought he’d change one day. I realise how pathetic and stupid that sounds now. I genuinely believed that deep down he loved me and that he was faithful to me like I’ve always been to him. He used to travel a lot with work and I never felt jealous. I never checked up on him in any way other than ask him to text or phone me whenever he’d got to his destination so I knew he was safe.

I am such a stupid cow aren’t I? Turns out he’s been having a “close, personal friendship” with a co-worker half my age for the last two years at least. Why the hell didn’t I notice? He’s been cold towards since he lost his job but I put it down to stress and depression. Apparently, it was love, not mental health issues.

I’ve just been down to let the dog out and he’s checking RightMove. I guess he’s finding a new home for them both. I feel broken 😞

It sounds like with time, you'll be so glad he has gone. He will come back to see if he has a chance with you. Would you take him back.?

It sounds like he hasn’t been a good husband to you for a while. Although it’s extremely shocking and upsetting for you right now ……… it sounds like this will be a positive thing for you going forwards. Take one day at a time and prioritise looking after yourself. Call in sick to work tomorrow if you need to. Sending a handhold 💐

I don’t think he wants me any longer so I won’t need to decide whether or not to take him back. His girlfriend is so young she makes me look like an ugly freak in comparison. I’m looking at her Instagram and she’s a big improvement on me. She’s also got a decent job, unlike me.

He’s lost a lot of weight lately and I was really proud of him but now I realise why he did it. I feel so effing stupid. I’m done crying and I’m starting to feel bloody angry. I don’t deserve this. If he was fed up of me why not be honest and leave instead of shagging his staff?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I would take some time off work just so you can to think through things and have your brain process this, my advise will be getting the divorce process started,I know it's expensive but somehow you have to do this to cut ties with him completely.

Thanks. I’m going to the doctors first thing for a pre booked check up. It’s with the nurse but I wonder if I should ask to see the doctor? I’ve got all my work clothes out but I can’t imagine sitting at my desk tomorrow pretending nothing’s happened.

Actually, I’m such a mess with swollen, piggy little eyes and a pounding headache from all the crying I’ve done that the doctor will probably think I’m ill anyway. Sorry, I’m trying to keep my sense of humour. That b’strd can’t take everything away from me no matter what he does.

So depressingly predictable, younger woman, him taking more care of his appearance etc, they all follow the same script and he will be mentally prepared for this whereas you’re in shock, you’ll get through this, however impossible that feels currently, he’s a bastard and he and other woman deserve each other, neither have morals or integrity, good riddance to bad rubbish, you will honestly be so much better without him, can you get some support from friends/family?

I am so sorry that you are in such a shock, but honestly I think this is a blessing in disguise. Your life will massively change for the better soon and that fucking idiot will be out of your life forever.

Thank you. I’m definitely feeling deeply shocked at the moment and I can’t see myself doing any work tomorrow. How the hell do you get over something like this and start acting normal again I wonder?

We used to work together but he got promoted several times and his main office is actually in another country, although he’s working from home this week. God, that’s going to be awful. I hope he effs off to her place, wherever that is. Im trying to work it out from her Instagram but I can’t.

Oh OP, massive hugs. It’s such a shitty place to be in.

My sons father had an affair and finding out about it was gut wrenching and physically painful. It does get easier though, I promise.

for now, take every day hour by hour. Do you have some real life support?

He's doing you a favour, it'll be wonderful when he's gone.............

ugh, you’re well rid OP. He’s a creep who regularly makes his wife cry and thinks it’s aspirational to date a woman half his age.

Instead of thinking how much more youthful OW looks (on her photoshopped instagram) think about how OW’s mum will feel when she finds out her daughter is going out with a married man old enough to be her dad.

No you’re not stupid. You trusted him and believed he’d come good because he’s your husband. You’d always do your best by him and you naturally expected the same in return.
Even if you don’t want to be married to them anymore it stings when you feel so readily replaced. But you’ll get past this.
He’s verbally abused you— he’ll do the same to her in time…….and she’ll be a younger woman looking after a complaining older man.
Now is the time to find your anger and plan on getting even. Take him for every penny you can, be awkward by refusing to sell the house , don’t sign anything.
Take your time over any decisions.

Thanks to everyone who’s replying with lovely supportive messages. Yes, he’s just another walking cliché. I’m angry at myself for not seeing this coming. I thought he was doing it for health reasons, not to pretend he was 21 again. Hope he’s got a hair transplant booked if that’s his aim 🧑🏻‍🦲

I'd be pitying her more than anything else tbh, she hasn't exactly won the prize has she?

There's also a chance once reality sets in and the excitement has gone she won't actually want him and he comes crawling back. This is where youll.nees to find strength.

You'll not see it now but he's not a nice person and doesn't deserve you.

You need RL support. Don't keep it quiet.

Well, isn't he a prince? Lucky OW.

In time you will be grateful that the rubbish took itself out, but for the moment, as PP said, take time for yourself. A sick note for next week and breathe...

Thanks again everybody. I’ve not got any real life support tonight because I’m really private normally and I do more listening to other people’s problems than talking about my own. Also, I felt ashamed to admit that he was abusive to me because he comes across as such a decent man in public. I’m not looking forward to telling my parents either. They think he’s a good husband and father.

Oh op, really really don't worry. Buckle up tight because in a very very short amount of time when the penny drops you will be doing a happy dance to be free of him. Your life is going to get a lot happier.

It took two weeks that's all when I found out about my ex husbands affair and kicked him out. I was sad, I guess at the shock and that life wasn't what I had hoped, but then I just started feeling free and was skipping down the street and dancing round the house at the sheer joy of it. I realised I hadn't been in love with him for a long long time, but had been clinging all for some unfathomable reason. This will be your reality soon too.

He’s done you a favour, he sounds like a prick. Go to work, it’ll take your mind off it, don’t just wallow at home. Time to reboot your life. Don’t be the bitter ex who is determined to make his life a misery, get what you’re owed and more if possible but don’t beg and plead.

A large proportion of people think that a middle aged man leaving his similar aged wife for a woman half his age who is also his employee/junior at work reflects very badly on the man, and says nothing at all about the wife.
So lots of people who did think your husband was an upstanding member of society will soon be thinking he’s just another old misogynistic midlife crisis.

You are devastated now but in the long run you will no doubt be happier without this abusive cheater. How get over this? I suggest focusing on the practicalities. Get in first with the divorce petition and take control.

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Line up your ducks - all financial information, including pensions and investments - everything
See an experienced family solicitor

You can do this!

Refer to him (even just in your head) as the verbal abuser. Be prepared for all the usual pathetic cliches to continue; pretending he ‘doesn’t know what he wants’/trying to get in your knickers as soon as he discovers he’ll be giving you half his pension, fake tears, etc. Think how nice your life will be without some vile, inadequate bloke treating you like shit in your own home.

Don't take this the wrong way, but one thing you mustn't do is let him rip you off financially. You need to really play hardball now and get a good lawyer. Any previous promises are now off the table. You need a good share of the house and his pensions and savings. Don't discuss any of this with him just say let's leave it to our solicitors. He will try to rip you off, no two ways about it. It doesn't matter how decent he used to be, it's him and her now who will be trying to do it together and you really need to stay strong. Going grey rock is the only way now I'm afraid.

Do you have children together?

@determinedtomakethiswork it says in the OP.

I am sorry this is happening to you OP.

What’s really noticeable is the derogatory way in which you talk about yourself - which I think is a reflection of the way in which he’s chipped away at your self esteem.

Have faith that in a year or two you will be relived the abusive fucker has left (you definitely will, trust me).

Tomorrow morning make an appointment with a solicitor, gather all your financials, go see them and make sure you get your fair share. Start divorce proceedings.

Find a therapist you like who can help you work on your self esteem.

Live will get rapidly better.

You sound so self-aware, witty and insightful, he's a fucking idiot if he values getting his end away with someone young enough to be his daughter over your companionship. Fuck him off. Take control of the narrative, tell him he turns your stomach and to pack his shit and get out. One day you will look back on this and be so grateful you got to have a life without the pathetic twat clogging it up.