Husband told me tonight that he’s leaving me …

[InShockHusbandLeaving]

…and I’m sitting here in shock. I’m his second wife. I wasn’t the OW and I’m not younger than him. It’s my first marriage, and will definitely be my last because I never want to go through this again. We have a grown up son. H has been verbally abusive for years and often reduced me to tears with his nasty put downs and the outrageous lies that he tells about me but I always thought he’d change one day. I realise how pathetic and stupid that sounds now. I genuinely believed that deep down he loved me and that he was faithful to me like I’ve always been to him. He used to travel a lot with work and I never felt jealous. I never checked up on him in any way other than ask him to text or phone me whenever he’d got to his destination so I knew he was safe.

I am such a stupid cow aren’t I? Turns out he’s been having a “close, personal friendship” with a co-worker half my age for the last two years at least. Why the hell didn’t I notice? He’s been cold towards since he lost his job but I put it down to stress and depression. Apparently, it was love, not mental health issues.

I’ve just been down to let the dog out and he’s checking RightMove. I guess he’s finding a new home for them both. I feel broken 😞

Sorry wrong thread and have requested it removed

A bit weird of a weird post possibly but can you see it as you have done your share (of taking care of this awful man) and now you are being set free? A new chapter.

You are not a stupid cow and you didn't deserve this. See this as a blessing in disguise - you will be free from his abuse and bullying. Good riddance! Think of a wonderful future on your own. Love yourself, you are worthy.

As above.

You'll be fine and soon you'll wonder whst you ever saw in him.

He really is a silly sod throwing it all away for bimbo.

It must be quite a long marriage if you have a grown up son, 20 years+? You’ve put up with him putting you down and being abusive for many years then so think of it as he’s done you a massive favour without intending to, like lancing a pus filled boil - it’s really painful now and that’s why you left it and kept putting off dealing with it but you can’t avoid it now, soon the pain will lessen and it’ll start healing.

You don’t need to pretend anymore, walk on eggshells or do anything ever again for this horrible man.

Cut him dead and do the divorce through solicitors. Change the locks when he’s gone so he can’t waltz in when he fancies. Put the rest of his stuff in the garage or in storage. Legally he will have a right to enter until his name is taken off the house but I’d take the risk of him going to court or getting a locksmith out over him walking into what should be your healing space now whenever he feels like it. I’d just keep on changing the locks again until he got fed up but I’m petty like that, a court order would take months anyway and divorce should be well on its way by then.

Thankfully your DC is old enough that you don’t need to have anything to do with him anymore. Has he told him/her? Make him explain what he’s been doing. Hopefully there’s no graduations or weddings coming up for a while!

He can fuck off to the far side of fuck with his OW young enough to be his daughter. She’s obviously got major issues if she’s desperate and dumb enough to have an affair with a married man old enough to be her Dad!

It will take time after this shock has worn off to grieve for him just because he was a part of your life for so long despite him being a nasty little man. Treat yourself kindly, lots of self care, hopefully by spring you’ll feel ready to enjoy a new life on your terms and reinvent yourself.

Just make sure that when reality hits for him as it inevitably will, (I’m sure he’s set in his ways and likes things done a certain way which OW may not do) that you laugh at him if he asks to come back, before slamming the door in his face and don’t let him screw you over financially!

OP - he is being a cliché. Not the first man leave for a woman half his age. I
t's unlikely to last - but it is what it is.

Main thing - remember how he has been to you. After the shock wears off and you get some clarity/support from a solicitor - you'll start realising that there is life after divorce. And you'll also feel relief not to be with an abusive man, not to have to tiptoe around him, etc.

Take time off work. Find a solicitor. Plan. It'll keep your mind focused.

Contrary to what people advised here - you can't change the locks. You can, of course, ask him to move out. But probably won't agree. You may have to stay in the same house for a while. It is not easy, but you'll get through it.

Best thing you can do in the situation - is to keep your cool in front of him. Hard as it is - this is the best strategy.

This is a new start. He was a vile abusive asshat by sounds of it. Take a breath and see this as freedom. You now get to chose what you do with your life

Echoing what a lot of others have said, you will be so much better off without him. One day at a time and hopefully you will see a change for the better soon.

"H has been verbally abusive for years and often reduced me to tears with his nasty put downs and the outrageous lies that he tells about me but I always thought he’d change one day.

He’s been cold towards since he lost his job.

Shagging his staff …"

You're going to be so much happier once he's off your hands and becomes her problem.

Their reputations at work will suffer.

"chucked his things on the floor. It’s the last shirt I’ll ever iron for him!! I bloody hate ironing so that’s one silver lining already!

I’m determined to get on with kicking the cheating arse out tomorrow if he doesn’t leave voluntarily. Me and the dog are staying put."

And you sound furious. Good. Hold that rage and use it.

Get that doctor's appointment. They may have some immediate help.

Get the financials at your fingertips.

Get a solicitor. Don't wait.

Take the whip and the reins and be the driver, not the helpless passenger.

Pack him off to her house. Message her on Insta to put the kettle on. Re Insta - if you were to see my selfies on Insta then see me in the cold light of day … editing, lighting, fiddling in general - what you see on Insta IS NOT REAL.

And keep the dog. And the house.

"I felt ashamed to admit that he was abusive to me because he comes across as such a decent man in public. I’m not looking forward to telling my parents either. They think he’s a good husband and father."

Kick all feelings of shame into the gutter.
What you do is calmly and clearly tell your parents and DC exactly what he has been doing and that this is HIS FAULT. That you had been suffering from an abusive coercive controller and you are now free of him.

Oh, and if all goes tits up with the bit on the side - beware Mr Nice. Tears, apologies, promises, I'll be better … he's shown you what he is now, so if he does have second thoughts and tries to hoover you back in, remember - that is a mask that will slip again the moment he's back in.

You have something he doesn't - an army at your back. So many here have been there and been through it and can advise and support you.

All the very best.

👏💐👏💐👏👏💐👏💐👏

Hope you are ok this morning and are ready to start enjoying your lovely freedom!

The trash is taking itself out!

Yes this. I know so many women this has happened to and the husbands come off as total and utter dickheads. They normally lose the respect of their friends, family and their children. Quite often the younger woman realises she is going to be stuck with some middle aged dickhead full time and decides to leave and then the wanker is on his own, normally a lot less financially off, and getting older and less appealing every minute.

Morning lovely. Hope you're feeling a bit better. Been where you are, now in the best place ever. He did me the biggest favour ever and you too will realise that. It just doesn't feel like it just now. As others have said, get an appointment with solicitor, don't hang about letting him make all the decisions. I wish you the best of luck moving forward. She's welcome to him.

Some amazing advice and support on this thread.
God I hate the cliche that he is!
Op, just keep thinking of his “soggy old dick” (made me laugh to) and just think that’s what you’re dealing with now. He’s nothing but a soggy old dick that someone else can deal with. She can wash his skid mark pants !!

Just another man thinking with his dick.

It might not seem like it now, but you are well rid.
Time to build a better life for yourself!

How are you today, OP?

Wondering how OP is this morning, in the cold light of day.

When my ex moved out, it was as though he'd never lived there. I loved it and never looked back.

I had a similar thing happen to me with my ex. I had been sad for a long time because of his behaviour, although I'm not saying I was perfect.

After the initial shock of his leaving, things really did get so much better. I am really glad now that he did the dumping, because it meant that I didn't have to work up to doing it. The first shock is still bloody awful, though. I hope you're ok this morning, OP.

morning op hope your doing ok

@InShockHusbandLeaving Women's aid is free for those that have experienced domestic violence verbal or physical or both.. Please look up your nearest womens aid online, it's online so you don't have to go there if you don't want to, you will also be allocated a worker who will help you.

I saw this on twitter and was reminded of your earlier post, op - I think you'll need to open it to see context

H has been verbally abusive for years and often reduced me to tears with his nasty put downs and the outrageous lies that he tells about me but I always thought he’d change one day

honestly I know it’s so painful to be left for someone else
horrible feeling

but this is for the best
as the months go by you will feel more
peaceful and calm

are you getting any support in real life ?

This is absolutely how you have to see it. I said something similar in my earlier post x

Thanks again all of you lovely posters xx

Sorry for the late update but I have been rushing around like a whirlwind this morning and have actually been to the doctors twice and am just about to go for a dental check up.

I think I'm too busy getting things done to feel anything other than numb right now but he has gone somewhere and taken a suitcase so I hope he enjoys himself wherever he is. No, not really, I hope he drops the bloody case on his foot and ends up in A&E!!!