Husband told me tonight that he’s leaving me …

[InShockHusbandLeaving]

…and I’m sitting here in shock. I’m his second wife. I wasn’t the OW and I’m not younger than him. It’s my first marriage, and will definitely be my last because I never want to go through this again. We have a grown up son. H has been verbally abusive for years and often reduced me to tears with his nasty put downs and the outrageous lies that he tells about me but I always thought he’d change one day. I realise how pathetic and stupid that sounds now. I genuinely believed that deep down he loved me and that he was faithful to me like I’ve always been to him. He used to travel a lot with work and I never felt jealous. I never checked up on him in any way other than ask him to text or phone me whenever he’d got to his destination so I knew he was safe.

I am such a stupid cow aren’t I? Turns out he’s been having a “close, personal friendship” with a co-worker half my age for the last two years at least. Why the hell didn’t I notice? He’s been cold towards since he lost his job but I put it down to stress and depression. Apparently, it was love, not mental health issues.

I’ve just been down to let the dog out and he’s checking RightMove. I guess he’s finding a new home for them both. I feel broken 😞

So sorry, I was reading on my phone and I always miss bits that way.

He sounds awful and frankly all this woman has done is taken some rubbish off you. She will regret it whereas you can move onto better things. What a pathetic cliche of a man, you can and will do far better.

Men like this are just not worth your upset. Give it a short amount of time and you’ll start to see that. Hang in there.

Why the hell should YOU feel ashamed? Just why?

You're not the cheat. You aren't abusive. This is how men get away with it - by maintaining a public air of respectability.

Don't dread telling your parents either. Imagine if your own son came to you and said 'Mum, me and Chris have split up. She/he has been cheating.'. How would you react? You'd give him a massive hug wouldn't you and offer to do anything you could to help. Why would your own parents behave any differently?

He will soon not be your problem, and you will be free. Please make sure you get legal advice soon.

Stop looking at her Instagram and torturing yourself, remember it’s just an edited ‘best bits’ anyway. And she will soon have an abusive cheater on her hands 😬

OW just created a job vacancy for mistress.

Rookie mistake.

This is a blessing. It might not feel like it now, tomorrow, or even next week, but one day you will be able to say with complete conviction that this day changed your life for the better. You deserve to be free from abuse and this is your opportunity. I know you said you don’t like to share but allow yourself to be vulnerable with people and you will find their support invaluable. Also complete the freedom programme online so you can learn more about what’s happened to you and process it, as well as protecting yourself from future relationships that might be abusive

As for the OW, in time you will thank her for taking your bins out. Then, you will pity her as her Insta turns from perfection to an abused shell of a woman. Which it will, mark my words.

As for now, keep talking to us. Yours is a story many of us know only too well. MN may well be a nest of vipers at times (and I include myself in that!) but it is also an amazing place to talk about the things that really matter. Like you - you matter.

What everyone else has said, and also:

• get an STI test ASAP and another in three months because OW might not have been the only lass he's bedded.
• stay single for a while, at least until after you finish taking the Freedom Programme. It will help you recognise an abuser sooner in the future.

😂

It's pathetic how some men need a hot young thing on their arms to feel good about themselves.

Thanks again all of you. I’m sure I’m gaining strength from reading your advice and good wishes. I’ve decided to take a couple of paracetamol, make a drink and go to bed. He’s in the spare room so I don’t have to see him tomorrow before I go out because I’ve got the en suite and I’ve put all his stuff outside the door. I just heard him muttering and scraping it all up. I may have screwed up his shirt (that I’d dutifully ironed) as I chucked his things on the floor. It’s the last shirt I’ll ever iron for him!! I bloody hate ironing so that’s one silver lining already!

You will get through this, you will.

Given that things are at the stage they are at, I would advise speaking to a solicitor in the morning.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Oh bloody hell, I’d not thought about that first point. Urgh 😣 I’ll look for the Freedom Programme too.

Big hugs OP. How horrible for you. Please don’t think you are ugly or stupid for one minute! This is the result of him gaslighting you by the sounds of it. Chipping away at your self confidence bit by bit. Can only reiterate other advice here. Find a good family lawyer. File divorce papers - despite the fact that as the Petitioner you will have to pay the fees. You need to be in the driving seat here.

Good luck x

Thank you for the link!

Here’s an idea, go out on the sick, see your gp and get them to sign you off for a week and go off to a nice air bnb cottage somewhere for a week, take the dog.

This is 100% what I would do to process this bombshell.

After screenshotting all his bank accounts and copying important documents naturally.

Sorry he’s a knob. Be good to yourself.

No need to look, it's at https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You might be able to take it in person near you, if not, it's available online. It's free in person, £12 online, although copies of the books cost money.

Edited to fix pricing error.

I’d tell him to fuck off now, not at a leisurely pace whilst he’s checking out properties. Cheeky bastard

It's all very well and good for a younger woman half his age to be attracted to him right now. However, time has a tendency to fly by quickly and the age gap will suddenly become really noticeable once he hits retirement, if she ever sticks it out for that long. Then he will be left as a lonely old man, whilst you, no doubt, will have found someone nice and not nasty.

Good for you, OP, getting his things out of the room is actually a big step, because you’re showing that you’re not going to be badly treated or taken advantage of anymore. He’s on his own from now on, you won’t be doing any cooking, cleaning, shopping washing or bloody ironing for him. Absolutely nothing.

As PP’s have said, see a solicitor ASAP and start putting yourself first. 💐

Please don’t look at her Instagram, all you are doing is recalling his verbal abuse and fixing it with pictures of her, which just reinforces his vile words in your head. She is welcome to him, You are worth more, sadly you have been hurt because of his utter disrespect.

sending you strength to get through this.

Get an std test

Yep, I can see a third divorce coming a mile off. It'll never last OP!

She'll be stuck with his soggy old dick and nasty, abusive ways - you're well rid of this total and utter wanker

He’s done you a MASSIVE favour even though it hurts like hell right now.

take care of yourself OP. Take each day as it comes. You’ll feel like crap and be very up and down but you will come through this.

I know OP's situation is no laughing matter but 'soggy old dick' gave me a good chuckle!