Husband told me tonight that he’s leaving me …

[InShockHusbandLeaving]

…and I’m sitting here in shock. I’m his second wife. I wasn’t the OW and I’m not younger than him. It’s my first marriage, and will definitely be my last because I never want to go through this again. We have a grown up son. H has been verbally abusive for years and often reduced me to tears with his nasty put downs and the outrageous lies that he tells about me but I always thought he’d change one day. I realise how pathetic and stupid that sounds now. I genuinely believed that deep down he loved me and that he was faithful to me like I’ve always been to him. He used to travel a lot with work and I never felt jealous. I never checked up on him in any way other than ask him to text or phone me whenever he’d got to his destination so I knew he was safe.

I am such a stupid cow aren’t I? Turns out he’s been having a “close, personal friendship” with a co-worker half my age for the last two years at least. Why the hell didn’t I notice? He’s been cold towards since he lost his job but I put it down to stress and depression. Apparently, it was love, not mental health issues.

I’ve just been down to let the dog out and he’s checking RightMove. I guess he’s finding a new home for them both. I feel broken 😞

Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship myself in the past I can tell you it gets better and the anger you understandably RIGHTFULLY FEEL! Is good to get you through for now, but my advice would be to not hold on to it. You have said he has reduced you to tears with comments and put downs- this is emotional abuse... We all say things we don't quite mean or shouldn't have voiced now and again but it's different to feel okay doing this more than once. My ex was the biggest narcissist in the world I always saw it but never really accepted how awful it actually was until after the fact. It quite simply isn't worth it to hold on to the anger however, I know it's hard to just make that shit dissappear but him leaving has done you a favour better now then another 5-10 years down the line... My second piece of advice is to embrace being single, you will find somebody a whole lot worth while and make you feel as appreciated as you should have been already! Please take your time and practice self-care when doing so the whole while and I agree with the other users who have said to contact solicitor straight away, better to have it dealt with and out the way and not dragged on for you as that can be time consuming... My third piece of advice is to tell him he needs to find another place and he can do that elsewhere! as sitting in your house blaintly looking for a place elsewhere is just another stab in the back you quite frankly don't need right now, I'd suggest a friends place or even his fling at work. Take charge of the situation and tell him your happy with his decision as its made you realise he wasn't worth it at all tell him the tears are temporary from shock and you'll be good in a couple of days and just leave it at that.

And lastly please do not sit there and think you're stupid, an idiot and all the other things just because you never saw it coming. We don't anticipate this shit when we feel safe.... Maybe you did anticipate it slightly, but be proud you tried to hold your promise in marriage as he did not. How could you say anything bad about that?! You girl deserve a badge of honour because he got the best of you when he didn't even deserve it! You've done everything right.

Wishing you happiness and love the rest of your life!

Yes! I agree. It sounds like you were unhappy anyway OP. After the shock subsides, and you’ve been through all the horrible financial crap (and possibly moved house), I bet your life starts to improve. I once heard a therapist say that she’d lost count of the women who came to her saying they were unhappy with their partner but were too scared to leave. When they did, every single one of them was shocked at how much better life was, and furious with themselves for not leaving sooner.

Twenty or thirty years down the line you’d have been living with a miserable, selfish, horrible old man. Once this is settled, get out there and make new friends, join a yoga class, get fit, take up new hobbies, etc. F- him. X

I agree, @JaneyGee .

He lost his job? Is he working now?

This will be a blessing in disguise, I promise you, but I know it doesn’t feel like that now. You just want everything to go back the way it was, even if it was sometimes horrible, because it’s easier and what you know.

When you wake up tomorrow, remember that the worst is over. It’s happened, and you don’t have to tolerate his shit any more. He’s someone else’s problem.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It will be a grieving process, be kind to yourself and take it slowly. From what you have said and how he has been treating you, you will log back onto this thread in a year and be the happiest you have been in years, there is a tunnel to get down but at the end is the light of freedom ❤️

I wanted to say I’m sorry OP but I’m not. Congratulations on getting rid of that horrible twat!! You sound like a laugh and he’s more than likely tried to bully that out of you. No more walking on eggshells, no more second guessing yourself or being belittled!!

Don’t compare yourself to someone younger on Instagram, within a few months you’ll be wearing your smile brighter anyway. Best of luck in the future xx

I think you just got used to him but were not happy (impossible to be happy with abusive man)
you can be happy now, it’s a good thing that happened to you even if doesn’t feel like that now

As pp said, gather and copy or photograph every single piece of financial/ tax/ pension information.
Credit card bills. You will need your marriage certificate.
Do you have joint bank accounts? Ask the bank to freeze them, or move your half.
He has proved you can't trust him so get one step ahead. Take all the copies and information to the solicitor. Having it all prepared will save you time and money.

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life where you're in control.

You deserve to live in a home free of abuse and fear.

He is absolutely no loss to you;I think it's a book title "lose a cheater,gain a life"

You now know what his ex wife probably went through.

As for the younger woman;well their often easier to manipulate;make no mistake he'll be sneaking in the confidence degrading crap soon enough.

A "close personal friendship" is certainly a new way to say "I've been having an affair".

He is massive C U Next Tuesday.

Welcome to the new you!!

Been there, done it, it's not as bad as it seems.

Yes to above suggestions:

Screenshot all financial information,
Clinic for personal testing
Photograph all expensive items in the home
Make an appt with a solicitor.

If you live near the CM postcode, I have a belter of one for you.

When you say you were not the OW it makes me think you were the OW.
And now hes doing to you what you both did to the last.
Thats how i seem to read it.
Sorry its happening to you.
I know thats not what you said and things will get better for you.
Its hard at the start but dont give up.

I don’t deserve this.

That’s the spirit OP! You are not, as you say in your OP, a ‘stupid cow’, or from your later post an ‘ugly freak’, and I wonder whether the years of verbal abuse has prompted you to put yourself down.

His behaviour and dishonesty is disgusting. You can hold your head up high.

Lawyer up, breathe in, look forwards. Life will be SO much better without a man who insults you, belittles you and undermines your self respect.

Oh OP, he is a bastard. What an awful shock.
I promise you 100% that in some time, you will be glad to see the back of that pig. Your life will be so much better without him. Take one tiny step at a time, you can do this.

I’m still reading and trying not to cry again. Argh! Why should I cry over him. I thought I was happy with him but I often felt that he wasn’t as invested in the marriage as I was. I know I had faults too but I genuinely did always try my best to make things work. If I’m honest with myself I’ve not been that happy for the last year or two because I knew he’d turned away from me but I couldn’t figure out what I’d done.

To the poster asking about his job. Yes, he’s working again now. He lost his previous job in a restructure and it really upset him because he’d never been let go before. He was really lucky and got another job by being in the right place at the right time a few weeks later. Sadly that’s when he must have met her but if it hadn’t been her maybe it would have been another woman? Who knows? I’m trying not to churn the details round and round in my head so that I can sleep. No success so far mind you. Even the thought of him breathing in the next room is irritating me!

Get legal advice tomorrow and contact Woman's Aid, tell them about to the verbal abuse.

Really sorry yo
read this, @InShockHusbandLeaving . Look after yourself. You’ll get through this 💐💐

Bloody hell, I don’t need you to gaslight me!! His first wife left him for one of her work colleagues and he’d been divorced for six months before I ever laid eyes on him.

Something similar,working away , lost job , lost weight , dressing too young . I too thought depression, loss of confidence. But no , just another pathetic mid life crisis. What a cliche. I too beat myself up for being so naive but it is because we are decent people , we can't imagine doing things like this.
The OW may just be using him as a career advancement so he may be on his own pretty soon.
Right now , you are in shock. Quickly recover though, get him to leave , take half of any savings to open an account in your name only . Do talk to someone you trust , you'd be amazed at the empathy you will find , especially from other women .
It doesn't seem possible right now but you will be OK after this . Do many MNrs have been through this and got through it and on to a happier life.

So sorry this has happened but it seems he's been abusive to you for a long time and that your self-esteem is very low.

Hopefully, this is now the start of the end of your journey with this awful man.

But it's the start of hers - and, no doubt, no matter how good it feels now, it will almost certainly go very downhill for her.

Things will be tough for you for a while but I think you'll find yourself in a much better place, eventually. Xx

Im sorry it came across like that as i said thats how i seem to read it.
I also said i know thats not what your saying.
Im not gaslighting you I hope things get better and they will.
But coming back with that comment and i really explained it just makes me think it more.

I’m sorry if I’m not answering some of the questions. I’ve got myself in a muddle reading so many lovely messages and good bits of advice. I don’t think my brain’s up to much now but I’m determined to get on with kicking the cheating arse out tomorrow if he doesn’t leave voluntarily. Me and the dog are staying put. Actually I hope he doesn’t think he’s taking the dog with him 🤬 She’s getting old and she deserves to stay in the only home she’s ever known. I feel as though I don’t know who he even is any longer or what he’s capable of. I don’t intend to stay bitter I promise but I think I must stay bloody angry for now so that I can fight for half of everything, plus the dog.

Aww @InShockHusbandLeaving sounds like you just lost 15stones of useless fat yourself so highfive !

Absolutely don’t try and go to work this week. Be honest with your boss and use the week to get your ducks in a row whilst also taking time for yourself. You are not an idiot, you are entitled to trust your own husband and expect the same level of respect in return. This is not your fault.

if you want to feel better, there was a post yesterday from someone whose cheating DH had messaged her declaring his love for her. In time this will happen. Hopefully you’ll receive it when you are somewhere fabulous with someone who deserves you and your time. Flowers for you, keep your head high 💐

This.

Everyone will see him as the oldest cliché in the book, and this doesn't reflect badly on you, OP.

It's horrible though, I'm so sorry you're going through this. But as other pps have said, make sure you get some very good legal advice and support, and when it comes to the finances, don't let you heart rule your head.

Sending you strength 💐

So sorry, OP. But this may just be the start of a much better life. Wishing you all the strength and luck you need.