This isn’t normal behaviour from DH, is it?

[Winwit]

This morning I choked really violently on a grape and had to run to the kitchen sink to spit it out and drink some water. DH didn’t ask if I was ok or show any concern at all. He just sat there eating his breakfast and looking at his phone. Then he had a go at me saying I was choking in an overly dramatic way. Apparently he’s never known anyone behave so ridiculously when choking? He said you just cough and take a drink - you don’t need to run to the sink and spit and make loud choking noises, it’s pathetic and ridiculous and there’s no need for it.

I don’t know what I’ve done to make him hate me so much, but it makes me incredibly sad. I wasn’t being overly dramatic, I was genuinely choking and retching. This isn’t a normal way to be treated by someone who’s supposed to love you, is it?

Oh my god, no that's not normal. It could have killed you! Are you alright?

Normal isn't a thing. Live your life according to what makes you feel good or bad, not according to what's normal.

If he's making you sad, tell him. What would he say?

Not normal at all. I choked recently and completely panicked. We joked afterwards that I had been 'making a scene', but that was just to alleviate my embarrassment. He was definitely concerned!

That's a horrible way to react to someone you're supposed to care about, I'm so sorry he treated you like that!

Have you got the feeling before in other situations that he’s irritated by you or your actions or is this a one off?

Oh do come off it. I'm all for setting your own boundaries, living your life according to your own morals etc etc, but OP just wanted to know if it was normal (standard, what people would expect in their relationships) that her husband didn't care that she was choking and then accused her of being dramatic.
No need to be patronising. Sometimes people just want to hear some objective views on their situation, or to know how others might react, for perspective.

Not normal. He's a total dufus.

That sounds like something I might have said to my Mum or sibling when I was 15 and they interrupted me on my phone but now I'm a grown adult I would be asking them if they're okay and jumping up to help. So, either your OH is immature AF and needs telling that the way he spoke to you was out of order or there's more to this and you do make a lot of scenes and noise when you're practicing your grape swallowing Christmas party trick.

Everything I do is wrong.

Last night he shouted at me because I had rushed out of the door to an appointment and I had time to carry our dinner plates into the kitchen but not put them in the dishwasher. So when he came back from walking the dog and found the plates on the worktop he yelled at me.

He also yelled at me because he had got the butter out at breakfast, and I used it and put it back in the fridge. So he shouted at me because he had got it out and I’d put it away before he could use it.

He also yelled at me because I thought he’d gone out and I put the bathroom light off from the switch in the hall, but actually he was still in the bathroom.

I could give you more examples but I can’t remember them all.

No that’s not normal !!
I nearly choked to death 💀 in restaurant it was the worst experience of my life I couldn’t actually stop ! My husband was frightened and so were my adult kids when they realised I wasn’t messing around !! They were scared and very kind to me afterwards x x

He sounds like a psychopath.

Oh dear, he doesn’t sound happy and he’s making you unhappy. Time for a serious chat about what’s going on with him.

As far as the chocking is concerned, this happened to me once, Dh was out of his chair and banging me on the back within seconds.
It would really frighten and upset me if I felt my H wouldn’t help me if I needed it.

He sounds awful but the last two examples sound really annoying. Re the choking - do you have form for being over dramatic?

I just don’t think it’s reasonable to yell at someone you’re supposed to love just because they put the butter away or switched the light off 🤷‍♀️

A normal reaction is to ask where the butter is and just get it out again. Or say “hey I’m still in here!” when the light goes out. Not to start screaming and yelling angrily.

When someone is either picking at/criticising everything you do and acting irritated by you it’s often because they have developed contempt for you or are very much heading in that direction.

Have you tried talking to him and telling him the way he treats you feels like he doesn’t even like you?

Enough examples. It seems to me he's not nice at all and totally devoid of feelings!

Can't understand why it's not simple!
You leave.

He sounds absolutely awful. It must be soul destroying being around someone so mean.

Have you considered leaving?

No, it's not a normal way to treat someone you love.

Choking is really scary. For him to show no concern nor sympathy is really cold.

You deserve better than to spend your life being yelled at.

I successfully choked on an air bubble the other night. In a little shop doing a Christmas thing. Three people came over to me immediately, the shop owner came over with a glass of water and someone offered me a seat. I couldn't stop coughing and my eyes were streaming and red. 5 people helped. So no, it's completely not normal how he reacted. But you know that, so the question is, why are you still with him? I don't mean that sarcastically, but he makes you unhappy and is nasty to you.

Do you want to leave? Could you leave?

Your second update makes it clear @Winwit that he views you with contempt. There is no coming back in a relationship when you reach that part. He doesn’t care about you and looks for any reason to be abusive to you.

I’ve been you both as a child and in an adult relationship and it ruins you. In both instances the abuse got so bad that even walking into a room would result in shouting and insults. Literally existing was offensive.

You don’t need to stay in that situation. You shouldn’t stay in that situation.

Yeah that's not nice and you'd feel unloved. We have a family rule of thumbs up or thumbs down in this scenario. We developed when our son was a toddler but all still use it.

Winwit

He knows what he is doing here to you and he does not care one jot.

Did you see similar at home when you were growing up?

You have a choice re this man and I would choose to start planning my exit from him.

Oh god How heartless
Choking is life threatening and frightening
I'm sorry but a loving partner wouldn't behave like that
Has he behaved similarly before?
It's not you, it's him, by the way

This how my ex behaved, either disgusted or almost taking pleasure. Narcissist.

Oh no He has nothing but contempt for you
You can't live like that, he will grind you down so much your confidence and self esteem will be non existent
I think you need to consider an exit plan( in your head for now)

Yes my dad was very contemptuous towards my mum, and he got worse as years passed, but she didn’t leave him until I left home at 18. I’ve been taught that you put your children first and you have to put up with being unhappy if it keeps a roof over their heads.

No I can’t leave. I have a disability and so does our son. I’m not able to earn enough by myself to cover my own living costs, because my ability to work is limited by my disability and our son needs a lot of care.

I just don’t know any more whether this is my fault? He’s being so nasty but he says it’s my fault because I’m lazy and overly dramatic and too needy. If I need any kind of comfort or support he says no I’m not pandering to you. Like if I’m crying he just ignores me and turns his back, because he thinks expecting to be cuddled when I’m upset is unreasonable and too needy.

This morning I was so upset about him being nasty but he said no I’m not nasty it’s your fault because you make me annoyed. Your behaviour is totally unacceptable and abnormal when you’re choking so dramatically. It’s not me who needs to stop being nasty, it’s you who needs to stop going on ridiculous.