This isn’t normal behaviour from DH, is it?

[Winwit]

This morning I choked really violently on a grape and had to run to the kitchen sink to spit it out and drink some water. DH didn’t ask if I was ok or show any concern at all. He just sat there eating his breakfast and looking at his phone. Then he had a go at me saying I was choking in an overly dramatic way. Apparently he’s never known anyone behave so ridiculously when choking? He said you just cough and take a drink - you don’t need to run to the sink and spit and make loud choking noises, it’s pathetic and ridiculous and there’s no need for it.

I don’t know what I’ve done to make him hate me so much, but it makes me incredibly sad. I wasn’t being overly dramatic, I was genuinely choking and retching. This isn’t a normal way to be treated by someone who’s supposed to love you, is it?

I see you have a disability. It doesn't mean you can't leave just that you have to think outside the box a little more
FWIW I have CP, DC and am happily divorced
Do you or DC receive PIP/DLA?
If you have any help from organisations like SS please be honest with them
Check Turn 2 us
Your needs and that of your DC will be taken into account during divorce so please do not let your present circumstances stop you from leaving
I think DH knows what he's doing as he thinks he has you trapped

I just don’t know any more whether this is my fault? He’s being so nasty but he says it’s my fault because I’m lazy and overly dramatic and too needy. If I need any kind of comfort or support he says no I’m not pandering to you. Like if I’m crying he just ignores me and turns his back, because he thinks expecting to be cuddled when I’m upset is unreasonable and too needy.

It is NOT you, it is him. He's trying to break you and he's succeeding. It's time for you to escape while you can. Talk to Women's Aid, your GP, CAB etc to find out what help and support there is near you.

I am disabled, unable to work at all and thought I was trapped. I have found one escape route and I'm grabbing it with both hands. Find that one route.

He sounds unkind and selfish .You nearly choked! What would he have said if you hadnt been so lucky? I think you need some help, can you get in touch with CAB ,or Womens Aid ,they should be able to help you.

@thatsapickle

No need to be patronising

The lack of self awareness is mindblowing. Clearly you think you know best.

@Winwit It's not your fault if someone else behaves badly. Whose fault would it be if you behaved badly, out of interest? It seems like he's looking to blame you, and you're looking to blame you.

A simple question: is he responsible for his own behaviour and words, or not?

My dad was like this with my mum, us aswell, but more my mum. If she tripped, he would scoff and walk ahead, her sneezing would piss him off, if she dropped a fork in a restaraunt he'd get up and walk out. I remember once she was reading a phone number out to him and he said 'i hate the way X number' He just always seemed constantly irritated by anything she did and never hid it.

*hate the way you say X number.

Do you or DC receive PIP/DLA?
No. My son and I have autism. It’s severe enough to make life difficult and prevent me working, but not eligible for PIP or DLA.

A simple question: is he responsible for his own behaviour and words, or not?
Yes, but he says they’re reasonable and justified as a response to my unacceptable behaviour. He quite often gets angry about the difficulties I have as a result of my autism.

Sounds like he’s checked out of your relationship.

If you are unwell enough that you are not able to work, you are entitled to benefits. How else are you meant to able to live?

What advice did you get when you applied for benefits? It may be that you've filled in the forms in a way that wasn't in your favour. Can you ask Citizens Advice if there's a local agency that could help you?

@Winwit
It sounds as though you may be getting on his nerves. Perhaps you may be prone to being a bit dramatic. Certainly, it seems to be overly dramatic to conclude that he " hates you" based upon the examples that you have given.

I don't think it reasonable to expect to be cuddled simply because your response to a situation is to cry. Crying may be your coping strategy, but he may not see the situation as one that requires cuddling as his response strategy.

It might be helpful if you were to both seek counseling to help improve your methods of communication.

If I was going to give the benefit of the doubt, (and I’m not saying he deserves it, this may not apply in your situation, it’s just a different perspective to consider), it’s no excuse, but it can be really difficult to live with and care for/provide for someone with a disability. It’s a lot of responsibility, it can be really mentally draining, and it can really wear a person down.

My grandma is in a similar situation with my granda, she is the only one who works to keep a roof over their head and food on the table, he needs support day to day, and it does have an impact on you as a person to be a provider and a carer day in day out- not everybody is capable of it or cut out for it. She loves him, absolutely, but I could easily see where if she had spent the day at work and then came home and there were dirty dishes left on the side, he put something away as she was using it, and then turned a light off when she was in the room, where she would be very irritated by that. It’s one of those things that when you have a base level of calm, content, happy, it doesn’t really bother you. For example right now, if DH turned a light off when I was in the room I would just call out that I was in there and that would be the end of it. However, if I had been at work all day today while DH was at home, if I had some resentment about the fact he was not also working, then I got home to dirty dishes etc, I can’t say I wouldn’t be really irritated too.

It may just be that you are not compatible together unfortunately, as I say, being the provider and carer for your partner isn’t for everyone, and if it’s not for him then it will only build resentment.

On another note, it would be worth looking into to PIP/DLA/LCW again to see if you are eligible for anything. If you struggle enough that you are unable to work then you should be eligible for something, speak to Citizens Advice possibly for assistance and advice on applying. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, there is always a way x

It very much seems to me that he doesn't have any feelings for you and doesn't want to be lumbered with two disabled people.
Some men are like this. My own exH ditched me when I got sick. He just could not be bothered to look after me and went off with someone younger and not sick. I'm fine now and I work Nd have my own home and life and I feel sick thinking about what I used to put up with.
We once went on holiday abroad when I was at my sickest. I couldn't walk round the place we visited because I was so unwell and he shoved .e in the car and drove 12 hours straight home shouting at me most of the way home. It was awful. I was in real pain and he wouldn't stop the car and let me stretch for 5 minutes.
I think you need to talk to women's aid, social services and the council to see if you can get alternative accommodation and disability benefits.

No, it was deliberate. Seems you don't like being patronised either.

I don't know what's best for somebody else any better than you do. I do think it's unhelpful to tell somebody who sounds like she's on the receiving end of some horrible behaviour, when she just wants some opinions, that she should just trust her own judgement and decide what's normal for herself...as though she shouldn't need to ask. I replied to you because I didn't want her to take your post as a sign that she might actually be being unreasonable, or that her husband might be correct in his assessments.

I usually say to DH can you not choke yourself quieter. As a joke 🤣 could have been meant in that way?

Unfortunately that isn’t the case. If you can’t work because of physical health reasons then you are entitled to benefits. But if you can’t work for mental health reasons you aren’t entitled to benefits, because they regard you as being physically able to work.

Benefits such as PIP are only for care needs and mobility problems, which I don’t have. I am physically capable of working, it’s just that employers won’t hire me because I’m autistic. Or I get hired but then get sacked because of social difficulties.

No, it not normal and it's mean!

I do get what people are saying about maybe the stress of being the sole provider for a disabled child and another adult who doesn't work might be causing him stress.

But.....lots of husbands/partners work whilst their partner stays at home (as mine did) and are still nice and thoughtful and caring.

Obviously you're not good enough for him.

Do the decent thing and tell him to fuck off. This is only going one way.

(I'm assuming that the plates were still on the counter when you came home? Thought so.)

Honestly I think this is correct. One time he said he wouldn’t have married me if he knew I had autism (I wasn’t diagnosed until our son was diagnosed, we had already been married for six years). A few times he’s said I conned him into marrying me by pretending to be a better wife than I actually am. I know he expected more of me, because when we were students I was the smartest and got better results than him - but then he did better in the workplace because he’s not autistic.

Please speak to women’s aid. Tell them about your disabilities and see if they can help you or point you in the right direction if another charity who can help you.

I just wanted to say OP this isn’t true, PIP & LCW/LCWRA are not just for physical/motility.

Also, employers are not allowed to not hire you due to autism. There are lots of employers (mine included) that are really very inclusive and would be more than happy to make any necessary adjustments to make working easier for you for example.

He doesn't love or respect you. He doesn't want to be with you as you are now

Of course you and your child can manage without him

You will get benefits and help and you'll be much happier

You can't stay with him because in staying with him you are allowing your child to live an AWFUL life and that's not right or fair

That’s pretty inhumane isn’t it. I recall a time with my now-ex; similar choking and I was literally on the floor unable to breathe and he just sat there on his laptop. He looked at me and sniffed before looking away at the screen again. Heartless bastard. Sorry it’s happened to you too, OP.

This is probably a turning point for your relationship.

Mine was when I had a car crash and my ex-husband was only worried about the car. It was beginning of the end, we have been divorced ten years.

I just wanted to say OP this isn’t true, PIP & LCW/LCWRA are not just for physical/motility.
There’s literally nothing that I’m eligible for. I’ve tried. All the questions are “can you cook a meal”, “can you wash and use the toilet”, “can you walk”. Fully geared towards physical disability. The few questions that are related to mental disability are about intelligence, like “can you read and understand” - of course I can, I have a degree. I don’t lack capacity in any of the areas covered on the forms. There’s no section for “do people reject you and refuse to interact with you even though you’re fully capable of doing so”.

Also, employers are not allowed to not hire you due to autism
Legally they can’t. But we all know that people do discriminate and get away with it as long as they’re not dumb enough to do it out loud. And in many cases I don’t think employers consciously discriminate against me because I have autism. They just think “I don’t like her but I can’t put my finger on why”, “She doesn’t smile, it made me feel uncomfortable”, “I didn’t feel a rapport with her”, etc.

If I were you I would go and see a solicitor, find out what you are entitled to.

He's heartless.

You could speak to WA, his treatment of you is getting worse by the sounds of it.