This isn’t normal behaviour from DH, is it?

[Winwit]

This morning I choked really violently on a grape and had to run to the kitchen sink to spit it out and drink some water. DH didn’t ask if I was ok or show any concern at all. He just sat there eating his breakfast and looking at his phone. Then he had a go at me saying I was choking in an overly dramatic way. Apparently he’s never known anyone behave so ridiculously when choking? He said you just cough and take a drink - you don’t need to run to the sink and spit and make loud choking noises, it’s pathetic and ridiculous and there’s no need for it.

I don’t know what I’ve done to make him hate me so much, but it makes me incredibly sad. I wasn’t being overly dramatic, I was genuinely choking and retching. This isn’t a normal way to be treated by someone who’s supposed to love you, is it?

There's a lot of jobs now that are working from home, which might work for you you'd just need to be able to do the job itself rather than having a lot of social interaction.

Winwit a lot of us in a similar boat to you with various ND tendencies become self employed as we don’t fit in the corporate world
Self employment would work for me in terms of the everyday experience. But then you have to sell yourself to clients on a regular basis. I can’t even sell myself to one interviewer on one occasion. I don’t know how I’d be able to get business, it seems a lot of people rely on networking and contacts which I don’t have.

Yes, this wasn’t the case a couple of years ago before I had kids. It all seems to be call centres etc though, not good jobs for graduates.

I think you may be using your autism to mask very low self esteem, @Winwit Lots of people with autism work, and have social lives fitting with their own preferences. What support do you have?
Depends on their specific autism symptoms I suppose. Men seem to be much more accepting of other men with autism. Women are very social and strongly reject autistic women. Just my experience.

In terms of support, none really. My DH but he isn’t supportive, mostly just critical of my difficulties.

you being rubbish at stuff isn't a fact
I have a couple of decades of experience of nobody wanting to be my friend, plus several more years of nobody wanting to hire me. Based on the evidence I’d say it’s fairly well established.

What was your upbringing like? How did you feel as a kid? Were you nurtured and respected?
My parents loved me but I was mostly ignored and left to my own devices. Nobody to play with, I read a lot. Told to shut up and stop upsetting my mother when I cried about bullying at school. My father was always out and my mother has nothing in common with me, we argued a lot.

Anyway my original question was is DH being mean? It seems like yes he is, but it’s my fault because I’ve put him in a position where he’s financially responsible for two disabled people. If I was more successful at working he’d be nicer to me 😔

Hes abusive OP.
My ex was similar. I was having anaphylactic shock.. could barely breathe...rash..on the floor, barely talk...he just stood and stared...i think he didn't want to embarrass the situation if it came to nothing! I kid you not. It was my daughter who called ambulance...i would have died if it wasnt for her.
Your partner is a dick head and you need to leave him

I'm going to say something here that you may not like, and that is, that if you want to get away from your husband who is yelling at you round the clock, and making you feel sad and upset, then you might need to consider a job that's not a "good job for a graduate' in order to move yourself forward.

I hear that you have a special set of circumstances, but you are unlikely to walk into a Good Graduate Job after a period of unemployment with the mindset that jobs aren't really for you anyway, even without the other aspects which you see as a hindrance.

You aren't going to stop your husband from showing you contempt. That ship is sailed, and is likely to get worse. What you can do is accept what you need to do in order to change your own situation. That is going to include rolling up your sleeves and getting a job, and there is one out there for you that you can not only get but can keep, in order to get out of there and be a good role model for your own children even if you didn't see one when you were growing up.

I'm a graduate, I've done various Not Good Graduate jobs when I've needed money, it's a means to an end and you're in charge of how you view what you're capable of.

Why isn’t a call centre a good job for a graduate? Surely any job is better for a graduate (or anyone) than no job at all?

Look at civil service jobs, and some private jobs (most) are now hybrid working so a mix of office and home. As I said, there are lots of employers who will not only hire you but will make adjustments to make working life easier for you. My employer being one of them, we have a lady on our team with autism and she works majority from home, doesn’t have to attend team meetings if she does not feel able, we all know to contact her by email/Teams chat first rather than call her as she finds that overwhelming. And no, I don’t live in a city centre, so there are absolutely jobs out there

It's not your fault that he is being mean. Even if he is stressed that is no reason to take it out on you. If he did not like it then he could leave the relationship or just be neutral.

I also wouldn't believe anything he says about your autism or "why people don't like you" because he's highly biased/trying to be as cruel as possible here.

I do know what you mean WRT perceptions of autistic women vs autistic men.

Do you have any IT related experience? IT is full of adults who were diagnosed with Asperger's back when that was a separate classification. And there is a lot of work from home because you basically only need a decent laptop and internet connection, not a full office.

Do you have any IT related experience?
My degree was business computing. Lots of stuff about business applications and marketing, very light on the technical stuff. I wasn’t so hot on the technical stuff anyway, I scraped through those modules and made up the points on the more business focused modules and essays to come out with a decent average grade. If I could start over I’d skip the technical stuff entirely and just study business and marketing.

Jobs I’ve applied for have mostly been marketing, I’ve applied to work in a couple of banks too, I also tried applying for trainee accountant roles and accounts assistant, HR roles, receptionist, PA, sales, customer relations for IT businesses, basically anything vaguely related to my business degree. When I first graduated I did several jobs like barista and shop assistant and waitress, but I wouldn’t be able to do that now because I’ve developed muscular problems and my max time on my feet is about 40 minutes before the pain gets too much.

I get told I’m not enthusiastic enough about the jobs I’m being interviewed for, which is true - I find it difficult to fake enthusiasm. I have to try really hard to answer questions about why I want the job, because my urge is to blurt out that I need the money, why else would anyone apply for a job?

Unfortunately, many autistic women are vulnerable to being taken advantage of by abusive men. Been there, although some of the things your H says to you are word- for- word what my dad used to say to me.

You will manage on your own, whether employed or unemployed. You will be entitled to UC while searching for a job. It is also possible that you may be able to get into the LWCRA group (is that the right acronym? Limited work capacity) and/ or be classed officially as a carer to your son. Several women in my autistic womens' support group have followed one or other of these routes, with success. You just need some decent specialist advice.

Please get out of this relationship with this horrible man ASAP.

It’s absolutely not your fault in the slightest! You shouldn’t have to be successful at working in order for your husband to be nice to you. He is an abusive person, and that’s never the victims fault.

My sister gets DLA for her DD who has ADHD and ASD. It is possible, you just need to get the application worded correctly. There are charities that will help with that. There are also advocates that you employ who will help with this amongst other things.

You are right that being autistic makes it hard for normal people to feel a connection to you. You are always "rude" or "odd". I have ASD so I get it that it's hard. I have a remote working job so that removes the issue of lunch, commute, casual touching. It sounds like a mask better than you as I can get past the interview stage and I can do the warm and friendly voice thing. Eye contact is an issue but remote working deals with that mainly - I am not a common user of the camera. Depending on your skills could you look for jobs that don't need you to be in an office?

As for your DP - no it's not your fault. He is a git and is being properly mean. I am autistic but I am loyal, loving, caring, kind, generous etc.. and I deserve to be treated with kindness and caring - AS DO YOU!

why else would anyone apply for a job

Because they need money to live on, doing something they enjoy and are good at. You are applying for jobs that play to your weaknesses. We could all do that, be unsuccessful, and then blame the weakness, but we could also all apply for jobs that play to our strengths, and be happy.

What would you like to do for a living? What sort of job do you think you would excel at?

is DH being mean? It seems like yes he is, but it’s my fault

OK. If you think you actually have the power to make him behave in particular ways, use it. Make him treat you the way you want. You'll soon discover that you have very little power in this area, and what you're doing is acting like it's your fault it's raining. There's very little you can do about his attitude, or about the rain. All you can do is get yourself somewhere where it doesn't bother you, or protect yourself better. Stop trying to deduce him, and deduce you. Why are you feeling that you are meant to/have the power to control another person's actions? Where does that come from? It's almost certainly your upbringing. We usually learn that putting up with behaviour that makes us feel rubbish, and then being blamed for it, is what we're 'supposed' to do, as children. But there is no 'supposed to', and as an adult, if something feels shitty to you, you distance yourself from it. Take responsibility. You feel shitty around him, but he isn't 'making you' feel like that, because he doesn't have the power to make people feel or do things, any more than you do.

You are seeing yourself as victim to the employment world, and victim of your partner's behaviour, but you are neither. You are not trapped, and you can find a way to find a job and leave him, but whilst you spend your time hoping to work out why he's horrible, and hoping that he'll start to be nicer, those minutes pass by, and you have made no progress for yourself.

You need to leave him, the sooner the better.

You sound afraid of him OP. But also, it is impossible to have an equal, respectful relationship with anyone if you are completely dependent on them and have decided you will never leave. When someone has all the power like that they rarely behave well. If you have no "bottom line" then you have have no defence against bad behaviour, and sadly, it will only get worse. Whatever limitations you feel you have, you will have to overcome them in the short term in order to have some power. Not to defend him at all, but it is also horrible to be the one that someone is depending on completely. I have had this happen to me and the sense of being used was terrible for my mental health. I wasn't horrible to my exH -- but I left him.

Contemptuous abuser.

I am in agreement with you Op , your husband attitude is unsettling worrying ,

there's no such thing as you are chocking in a far too much dramatic way...

Is there 🤔 other ways he is also shows the same lack of concern too.?

i found your husband attitude and ways to you quite disturbing, !

the very fact someone can actually die chocking over food,

then reading 📚 your other updates too.!

Over-dramatic? Do you always talk out of your arse? Someone can die in minutes from choking. It's not just like having a bit of something go the wrong way, your airway becomes completely obstructed and you can't breathe. Unless you dislodge the object quickly, you will die.

Can you set boundaries ? Say XYZ is disrespectful?

I'd be tempted to see how he'd react if he were to somehow choke on his phone.

But this 'unacceptable behaviour' - somehow he has become the judge of what is 'acceptable'? How did that happen?

Is he Supernanny?

I think you need to call Women's Aid and ask for their help and support. This man is horribly abusive.
0808 2000 247

He's an utter cunt.

You need to get out of the home and the relationship first and sort out jobs later. Please call Women's Aid.

All this horrible man wants out of the relationship is the chance to abuse you.

No, he's enjoying what he's doing. He abuses you because he's a malignant narcissist, a bully, and an evil, awful person.

If he hadn't ended with you, he'd be bullying and abusing someone else. It's not you, it's him.

Please stop thinking you have to have a job in order to leave. You need to get out of that home.

Put yourself and your child on the wait list for social housing as soon as you can. You need to leave because you are being abused.