This isn’t normal behaviour from DH, is it?

[Winwit]

This morning I choked really violently on a grape and had to run to the kitchen sink to spit it out and drink some water. DH didn’t ask if I was ok or show any concern at all. He just sat there eating his breakfast and looking at his phone. Then he had a go at me saying I was choking in an overly dramatic way. Apparently he’s never known anyone behave so ridiculously when choking? He said you just cough and take a drink - you don’t need to run to the sink and spit and make loud choking noises, it’s pathetic and ridiculous and there’s no need for it.

I don’t know what I’ve done to make him hate me so much, but it makes me incredibly sad. I wasn’t being overly dramatic, I was genuinely choking and retching. This isn’t a normal way to be treated by someone who’s supposed to love you, is it?

You really need to talk to Women's Aid about your own and your child's financial rights, both in terms of maintenance from your husband and disability benefits. I suspect it would be easier to leave than you think, and your life would be so much better.

@thatsapickle

I do think it's unhelpful to tell somebody who sounds like she's on the receiv

So? Others have found similar posts helpful. Your opinion on other's posts isn't what OP is here for. Give your own advice, and let others give theirs without being vetted.

Sorry for the derail, @Winwit

You are entitled to benefits if you're not able to find work. Where did you get advice on this?

Yeah OP I had one of these, would just ignore me if I hurt myself, and then say I was clearly fine because he could hear me making a noise. He was a Cunt, and sadly it seems like you’ve got one as well.

He is likely contributing to your illness with his abuse.

Can you call some of the resources others have mentioned?

I understand that it seems like there isn't a way out when you've been beaten down by him for so long.

well, you weren't choking, and it would not have killed you. Choking is silent. But why are you in this relationship when it clearly makes you unhappy? YOu need to sort yourself out and leave. Who's home is it?

Op do you have family you and your ds can go and live with? How old is your ds?
You can’t continue like this as I think you’re aware.
You have a degree - a lot of neuro diverse women carve out a career working for themselves. Working from home, setting their own boundaries and limits. How old are you? Have a listen to the Square Peg podcast.

The questions aren’t just about physical disabilities - there are many people with intellectual or psychological difficulties who wouldn’t be able to prepare a meal or care for themselves appropriately.

Being blunt, if you’ve got a degree AND you don’t meet the criteria for PIP then you can work. It’s just a matter of finding a job that’s the right fit. There are many jobs out there that don’t require lots of social skills. You could also look at self-employment.

You should also look again at DLA for your child. You describe him as disabled so he should easily meet the threshold for DLA.

Finding work for yourself and claiming DLA for your child should give you the financial independence to make any decision you want rather than being tethered to a marriage solely due to finances.

For context, I’m an autistic woman who’s self-employed. My income pays the mortgage and bills. I also have two autistic children. So I speak from experience when I say that while I understand things aren’t always straightforward, it’s perfectly possible.

Legally they can’t. But we all know that people do discriminate and get away with it as long as they’re not dumb enough to do it out loud

What feedback have you had from interviews?

Choking is really scary when it happens - even if just for a split second. His reaction was definitely not “normal” I.e. showing no concern and not even looking up from his phone! Would he do the same if a child was choking?

He needs to stop yelling. It is not acceptable to react with yelling every time you feel miffed.

He needs to do a course with a professional on how to listen to his own feelings, regulate them and behave in a civilised manner all the same.

He needs to want to learn some manners.
Did his parents ever teach him any?

Does he ever go to the doctor with you?

Next time, word the doctor up and discuss your husband's unreasonable moods and lack of self control and kindness and ask, directly to the Dr, if there could be any medical reason for it or any way to improve his behaviour as you can not feel happy living like this.

Your husband needs to be made to confront his ways.

It is always social issues that hold me back.
for example..

You’re well qualified but you made us feel uncomfortable.

You don’t smile enough. You need to be more friendly.

There was no rapport between us. Employers are more likely to hire someone with whom they feel a rapport.

You don’t make strong eye contact. Your eyes were all over the place. It felt awkward.

You said no thank you when offered a handshake. I know you said you don’t like being touched, but this isn’t really acceptable in the workplace.

Your voice is really flat, like a monotone. Speech therapy might help to make you more employable.

The technical part of the interview was good but we felt you didn’t nail the informal part. Small talk is clearly not your forte.

We want to hire someone who we can imagine sitting down for lunch with every day for the next five years, and unfortunately you didn’t meet that criteria.

A smile and a friendly handshake go a long way towards getting you that job, but we didn’t see this from you.

We’re looking for a candidate who is talkative and inquisitive, and you didn’t really display these skills.

You seem a bit eccentric and we feel this isn’t the best environment for you.

We don’t think you would fit into our team.

Your choice of conversational topics left a lot to be desired.

Can you work at a job on your own - a delivery driver or similar?

What sort of jobs are you applying for?
What is your degree in/your qualifications?

There are a lot of jobs that don’t need great social skills, it’s a matter of finding your niche.

You’re well qualified but you made us feel uncomfortable

Did an employer actually say this to you?

You seem a bit eccentric and we feel this isn’t the best environment for you

And this?

We want to hire someone who we can imagine sitting down for lunch with every day for the next five years, and unfortunately you didn’t meet that criteria

And this?

Did they actually say these words? They don't look realistic. How much of what you've written as feedback you've received is your interpretation? I'm wondering if you've applied for a bunch of jobs that didn't suit you, been rejected, and then assume that autistic traits are the reason, so that when they say they're looking for a more extraverted character, you hear 'Your choice of conversational topics left a lot to be desired'. Might that be playing a part?

What sort of jobs have you applied for?

What an absurd response. It certainly sounds to me like he hates her from the examples she gave- at the very least, he doesn’t respect her at all. Op, you deserve better than this. I would seriously look into leaving this unpleasant little man.

Office jobs mostly. I have a degree in business and computing. Due to my autism I don’t have any friends, nobody wants me in their life, and nobody wants me in their team at work either. I’m not physically or intellectually disabled, just nobody wants me around.

I have succeeded in getting a few jobs but I always get sacked. They take a chance on me but after a while they realise they really don’t like me and they made a mistake hiring me, so they get rid.

I’ve been victimised by an individual in several cases. In one job I was hired by someone who seemed to be more like me, but then handed to a team leader who was the exact opposite, and he bullied me mercilessly until he could claim it wasn’t working out. In another job I was off sick (collapsed and diagnosed with a genetic disorder) and my boss used it as a reason to discipline me saying I wasn’t competent to do my job any more. In another job my colleagues bullied me and one actually broke my equipment to get me in enough trouble to get sacked. Even a shop job didn’t work out - I had no customers so I doodled on a tiny bit of paper, and my colleague hated me enough to pick that tiny bit of paper out of the bin and take it to my boss to get me sacked.

There have also been cases where I’ve been sacked very kindly because I’m clearly not coping. Because I go outside to eat lunch in my car to get a bit of silence and be left alone, and they don’t like that. Because I refuse to have lunch with the team every single day and it makes them feel awkward. Because I visibly flinched when a high level client touched me on the shoulder and that’s not acceptable. Because I attempted small talk with a client while my boss was at the toilet and it made him feel awkward enough to withdraw from working with us. Because I used the wrong tone of voice with a superior and my facial expression was insolent (I struggle with both facial expressions and tone of voice).

So I get rejected a lot, and when I do get hired it doesn’t last long. Then I had a child with a disability which further restricted my ability to work.

Due to my autism I don’t have any friends, nobody wants me in their life, and nobody wants me in their team at work either. I’m not physically or intellectually disabled, just nobody wants me around

I think you may be using your autism to mask very low self esteem, @Winwit Lots of people with autism work, and have social lives fitting with their own preferences. What support do you have?

It sounds like you feel like shit about yourself, and that's horrible for you. You're staying in a relationship that crushes your self esteem, and then you feel like the fact that you're basically rubbish at stuff (like conversation, social skills etc) means you can't get a job. But you being rubbish at stuff isn't a fact. The experiences you've had with work show that you've been in crappy, disrespectful work places, not that you are crappy yourself.

What was your upbringing like? How did you feel as a kid? Were you nurtured and respected? Or did you have parents who didn't understand you, and criticised you, made you feel not good enough, etc?

There's work out there for you. Have you had any contact with autism professionals or forum, where you might be able to speak to people who have been in a similar situation, work-wise? They will have useful suggestions, I'm sure, and at the very least, it would be a relief to feel understood, wouldn't it?

You don't have to keep living like this. There will be a way out.

Did an employer actually say this to you?
They phrased it more nicely. They said something like “At present we are looking to rescind our earlier job offer. At the interview we felt your skills and qualifications were excellent and we were impressed by the quality of your work. However at our second meeting you still seemed withdrawn. We gave you the benefit of the doubt and put it down to nerves, but when you came for your introductory session this was compounded. We appreciate that perhaps you were still nervous but we did not think it would be fair to bring you into our team when the role may not offer the longevity you had hoped for. Your interactions with several of our team members during the introductory session were awkward and our staff reported to us that they felt uncomfortable during their conversations with you. You need to be more personable; if you can develop better interpersonal skills and combine this with your technical knowledge you will provide a great asset to businesses in the future”.

It doesn't sound like he cares for you or likes you at all. It's a miserable way to live, please don't put up with it for a second longer than necessary.

In terms of employment, have you thought about seeking out employers who are actively seeking neurodiverse employees and being upfront? You could then say something like "I've previously been given feedback that my communication style can be offputting, but this is part of my autism, can you please look past this to my experience and qualifications?"

'You need to be more personable; if you can develop better interpersonal skills and combine this with your technical knowledge you will provide a great asset to businesses in the future'

I still think there's a degree of your self degrading interpretation here. They're meant to tell you why you didn't get their job, but you're taking it as personal advice on what you're doing wrong for all 'businesses in the future'.

Another interpretation of this feedback is that you weren't right for the job, because it demanded skills you don't have. I could apply for elephant-keeper at the zoo, and have the same sort of feedback, but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. It means I have to apply for less elephanty jobs, because I don't have elephanty skills.

Job interviews are a 2 way process; do you actually want a job where you're required to be sociable all day long? If not, it's for the best that these companies you've tried to work for have turned you away, isn't it?

I should add that I know this is accurate because DH has commented on my autistic behaviours and said “this is why nobody likes you”. Several times he’s said when we first started dating some people told him to stay away from me because I’m weird, and he should have listened. He said he should have realised I have something wrong with me because usually pretty girls have dates lined up round the block.

Job interviews are a 2 way process; do you actually want a job where you're required to be sociable all day long?
Even non sociable jobs require you to be sociable. You can be working at a desk all day but people still expect you to chat and have lunch together. I get what they’re saying about technical skills not being enough because at the end of the day they’re still employing a person to work with other people.

In terms of employment, have you thought about seeking out employers who are actively seeking neurodiverse employees and being upfront?
There aren’t many, and they tend to be larger employers in big cities like London. I don’t live near a big city. I once took a job commuting into a smaller city and I quit after two months because I couldn’t cope with all the people on the train and in the train station. I tend to apply to smaller companies which are not in the city centre, but then they’re not tolerant of my neurodivergence.

@Winwit a lot of us in a similar boat to you with various ND tendencies become self employed as we don’t fit in the corporate world. I know VAs and other online self employed folks that only work with ND service based owners online. The clients love it as someone gets them. It’s definitely an option to look into. You have skills. How can you sue them differently.

socially - it’s just a matter of finding your people. Do ping me or just ask on here for any suggestions/ideas etc.

speak to women’s aid, share your struggles. Talk to the GP. I got various benefits for severe depression. You can get more support with being ND from various places but you have to really push for it.