Men moving on quickly

[LucyvanderPelt]

Another thread has made me think about how men seem to move on so quickly after the end of a relationship, no matter how long the relationship was or how it ended (even after the death of a partner).

Do you think men tend to move on far more quickly than women? And why - are their feelings more superficial? Do they just want a maid and don’t mind who it is? Do they have the new partner already lined up before ending their current relationship?

My ex has had at least 3 serious partners in the three years since I ended the relationship, and was out with the one night stands within the month.

Meanwhile I took two years for therapy and healing after all the abuse, spent a year building a good support circle and solid friendships. And only now feel ready to dip my toe back into dating.

Meanwhile ex can’t keep someone past a year and they all leave him in the end. I think there’s probably a lot of truth to PP suggesting that they just can’t be alone and need someone to look after them/boost the ego. Sad really.

I think that it depends. A relationship can sometimes. be 'over' a long time before it officially is.

When I'm between relationships, I'm not grieving. I'm usually asking myself how I can avoid a shit relationship again. And then that kind of becomes... how can I avoid relationships again. LOL

People always say that... The men I know well have all been totally heartbroken after a breakup and seriously questioned if they'd ever be able to be with someone again.

I'd say I've never seen a man emotionally recover from divorce is any less than 2 years, nevermind dating someone else. Maybe the odd misguided bit of sex here and there but they've felt they've needed serious time to overcome what they lost. Some get overly stuck in that mindset and feel that their new relationship won't ever come close to what they lost, whereas if they kept an open mind it probably would and potentially be even better.

I really think it depends on who ended things and the circumstances around it.
I moved on from my last long term relationship quickly, but I’d spent 2 or 3 years flogging a dead relationship. I’d done my grieving long before the relationship was ever really over. In many ways I think we both had but hadn’t wanted to admit defeat, especially as there was a lot of love and respect there, but we just didn’t ‘fit’ together.

”Moving on” is very subjective anyway. Moving on to a series of one night stands or short term flings is very different to moving onto a healthy, new, long term relationship. That said, some times those flings are someone’s way of moving on. Their own type of “therapy” as it were, so who are we to judge. There’s no fixed rule book or timeline to moving on.

I spent a year alone, uninterested in dating, after breaking up with a long term ex. Met someone new fairly quickly when I went back into it, and even then, realised I probably should have waited longer.

A huge sweeping generalisation as my ex (female) moved on within 2-3 months, and plenty of stories of women doing similar.

Human beings crave intimacy, so it's not "men moving on quickly" - it's some people do, others don't.

Sometimes people need to go back into the dating world to learn it's not the other person, it's them and the choices they make (ie who they choose and bring to the table). Some don't ever learn that lesson.

@mondaytosunday @XDownwiththissortofthingX this is precisely what happened with my STBXH. He keeps telling me ‘I checked out long ago’.

I don’t doubt it and it makes me sad to think I might have caused him pain BUT the trouble is he didn’t share all that with me, he didn’t share that he was desperately unhappy and we had a crisis in our marriage. Instead he went behind my back, often as it turns out, searching and hunting for something better, all the while being cold, distant and cruel.

He found someone, saw her for several months, and only then did he start a campaign to ensure we were arguing so that he could then say ‘this isn’t working, we’re not getting on”.

Sadly it’s a well played out scenario that is depressingly common, and leaves the spouse utterly devastated. Once he had made the choice he wanted out, I had no chance. His decision to leave the marriage was made, he just didn’t bother telling me 😔

@Bunnyhair , feck me that's cold..it really makes you wonder doesn't it!

My friend is married to a wonderful man, by her own definition, and he has always seemed charming and devoted. I've known them 10 years. She dropped into our coffee conversation last week that he had a whole other family before he met her, which he upped and left & has never seen his first set of kids since ! Has changed my perception of him somewhat!

I agree completely

If you think men are moving on from long term relationships you are fooling yourself. There is not a man I know who's marriage or long term relationship ended and didn't hit rock bottom shortly afterwards, not one of them cared for other women apart from the ones that left for other women, but that's another matter. If you think a man whos wife has left him or died is just upping and getting with another woman its not true, that man is broken inside.

I don't think they truly care that much except for how a relationship benefits them. We're just interchangeable.

Is the issue here for women who choose to spend time being single, and men who rush into new relationships, to do with this "maid service" role referenced in many posts, that these women seem disposed to provide in the relationship?

Men understandably want to replace that. Women (at least those for whom seem to think being a "maid" to their man is part and parcel of being in a relationship) understandably want freedom from that.

Change this out-dated 1950s expectation, and you change the dynamics... It's depressing that so many women seem to choose to adopt this role in relationships, to the point that it is just expected.

My ex moved on almost straight away, he was out picking up random women within days. I think he had someone in mind when we split but they weren't interested so he tried anyone with a pulse. I checked out ages before we called time(for many reasons) but I didn't go looking, I think for him it's the fact that I didn't fall apart like he told me I would and he did.

He's had multiple relationships in the past 6 years none of which have worked as he won't address the issues or allow himself time to sort himself out. He literally went from his last girlfriend to his current one in a matter of hours.

Thats the patriarchal structure men have invented to benefit from women.

It's very dependant on the person. A few of my girlfriends can't seem to last a week without being in a relationship. Jumping to the next guy and falling madly in love. I have trouble keeping a straight face when I'm being told this new squeeze is the one.

As it's women often doing the leaving, it's men that typically go through the angry 'fuck you, I'm still desirable' stage quite quickly after a breakup as a way to gain some control and self respect.

I agree with this and I’ve seen it over and over among friends and family. Men have placeholder relationships and happily take up the best fertile years of a women’s life when they don’t envision a future together. It’s a “now” arrangement.

I also think that many women come out of a relationship missing the companionship but their day to day life gets much easier. I’ve known a few widows struggling with guilt about that. I’ve never, ever heard a man talk about having less to do when a partner leaves.

@Loubelle70

Thats the patriarchal structure men have invented to benefit from women.

In the past there may not have been much of a choice, but today there is. There's absolutely no need for a woman to play that role in this day and age.

I'm intrigued as to how your ex is so seemingly irresistible despite his issues that he is able to pick up women and have them seemingly on tap with such ease!

This thread seems at odds with women's experience of OLD.... That most men on there aren't looking for a relationship at all, but are scarred from their previous one and are either just looking for sex; have checked out of actually meeting anyone so resort to being online sex pests sending dirty comments and pics, or don't actually seem to want to meet at all!

But then, I've come to realise every MN thread is highly self-selective and with a very heavy bias towards a particular response depending on the question posed.

I don't understand it either. Not like he's rich, or super hot. He literally has no trouble finding another woman, yet he lives like an absolute pig, doesn't make an effort to even look nice(he smells and looks dirty). But he showers them with gifts and meals out even though he can't pay his bills and he can put on a good act of being a nice guy and every woman's knight in shining armour, when all the while he's manipulating them.

Yettisrus2 my ex was the same. with online dating men have so many options now.

harerunner
This thread seems at odds with women's experience of OLD.... That most men on there aren't looking for a relationship at all

It’s completely in line with my experience. There are loads of married or coupled up men on the dating apps. More than you could imagine.

Many men are looking for a relationship and online dating gives them more options than ever before. For those who don’t want anything serious right now (they will eventually), they want a woman performing the role of a gf but not the actual commitment. I’ve had men also lie about wanting something serious just to get sex and other benefits.

Wouldn't it make more sense then to get to know someone for a while before sleeping with them?

The men can only 'get' these women if they fall for it then?

I often think of this. I don't think many men actually love in the way many women do. Conditioning/male entitlement will come into this too. Women are disposable to them. When I think of some of the men who "loved" me when I was younger - I actually think they were just physically attracted to me and I was a "trophy" on their arm.

There are exceptions of course, and either sex can move on quick - but it is more prevalent in men.

@Bunnyhair think you have it there, my ex husband and I share our son 60/40 (I have the 60).
my son asked his dad if he’d ever have another child, ex went on a long (inappropriate) whine about no he certainly wouldn’t, son is too much of a tie, takes too much organising, he can’t do what he wants whenever he wants, costs him lots of money and puts people off dating him! (I think it’s possibly not our son…)
I on the other hand have never had so much free time and choice and control over my life.
And hardly any stress. Or issues dating.