Men moving on quickly

[LucyvanderPelt]

Another thread has made me think about how men seem to move on so quickly after the end of a relationship, no matter how long the relationship was or how it ended (even after the death of a partner).

Do you think men tend to move on far more quickly than women? And why - are their feelings more superficial? Do they just want a maid and don’t mind who it is? Do they have the new partner already lined up before ending their current relationship?

Discussing patterns of behaviour (such as the post by @Cherryana) is not the same as stereotyping. It's also okay to discuss the possible sex-based societal motives behind such behaviour.

I think many women discourage their partners husbands from having a close relationship with their mothers and birth family. A lot of men are encouraged by wives to move away from established family relationships and to start again with her family. . Think of all the threads on here from posters calling 'Mummy's boy' over any man who has a relationship with his parents. However, it does reinforce to men that relationships are transient and you can move on and find new people, partners, families.
In my experience men who have secure, committed extended families take their marriages more seriously.

Society has programmed men into thinking they "must" have a new woman .Also they seem more able to leave parenting to their exes .We see men on their own, and some females think they must need "looking after", like they cant cope for any amount of time alone .

My experience is that men are chameleons. They assimilate to each partner taking in their characteristics and values. They do this to create fast bonds so that sex and handmaidenship occurs.

Women feel they have met a match and he gets his needs met even if he is wearing a costume of her life.

Until the next costume appears ...

My ex had not only met someone new 5 weeks after we split, he moved her in after meeting her once and we had a newborn…. Me on the other hand “newborn” is now 9 and I’m still single. However I do believe men find it easier to meet a new partner than women.

I think many many men struggle with the idea of being alone. My dad had three long term relationships/marriages and when the last one ended with no new woman in sight he finally for the first time ever had to live alone in his late 50s and completely struggled. I think its in the same ballpark where single women are much more likely to join social type groups like aqua aerobics and men dont put themselves out there to make friends.

I always thought similar - especially when you hear couples talking about 'our favourite song' or 'this is our favourite colour' when decorating or something. The guy smiles along gormlessly, and I end up thinking he doesn't give a shit about what colour the cushions are, he's just agreeing with her and going along for an easy life.

I definitely agree with you though OP, even though it's a generalisation. Also, it's not just after a break up or the death of a spouse, it can also be if their other half is sick or incapacitated - my mother is attending a support group for spouses of people with dementia, after my father had to go into a nursing home.
We looked after him for several years at home, and she was completely devastated and very reluctant to put in a home, but we just couldn't cope anymore, and very slowly she is looking to the future, but still feeling guilty.

There are 4 men in the group, and she said that two or three of them are already talking about holidays they are taking, trips to the rugby world cup, golfing weekends etc. while their wives are in nursing homes. Obviously they are allowed to move on and live their lives, but she mentioned how quickly they all seemed to carry on as normal, which the women don't seem to do.

Seems like exceptionally hard work, compared to just meeting someone whose actual values, moral compass, interests, humour etc largely aligns with one's own?

@Farmageddon

The guy smiles along gormlessly, and I end up thinking he doesn't give a shit about what colour the cushions are, he's just agreeing with her and going along for an easy life

I'd extend this to less mundane things, like having children. Huge proportion of men are totally ambivalent about the prospect, but do it anyway to keep the woman happy. A few years down the line you have a woman who is completely baffled as to why her partner shows no interest in parenting his own children. They just don't have the same biological imperative, and I can't understand why so many women don't seem to realise this.

Exactly the same with my ex of 23 years. But the woman he moved in with was the woman he tried having an affair with 3 years before. Wouldn’t accept that was the reason why we were splitting as that dripped the poison into our relationship. Should have ended it when it happened.

I am no longer single either and exDH hates it.

Thing is a relationship can be done long before a couple breaks up, so you’ve already done the sad stage. Not all break ups are sad sometimes it’s a bloody relief quite frankly.

In my life I’ve never really noticed men moving on any quicker than the women. Maybe it is age dependent but I’m in my 30’s / dh 40’s ( so his friends are that bit older ) and the men I know that are single or divorced are living alone. Maybe it’s money dependent, these men are far from broke.

The women I know well that’s not the case my best friend left her dh is March and she has been living with the new man since June. One of the school mums, has a new man to tell us about every few months, meet her dc and his the best step daddy ever then poof his gone and the recycle repeats sadly she isn't the only one I know like this.

I think anyone regardless of sex that goes from one relationship to another on a constant cycle, probably didn’t even feel loved and a child and they are searching for some kind of love even if it’s fake.

I think Jane Austen said it well.
Here is Anne Elliot, speaking to a man about how men move on quickly (in this case after the death of a fiancee):

'God forbid that I should undervalue the warm and faithful feelings of any of my fellow-creatures! I should deserve utter contempt if I dared to suppose that true attachment and constancy were known only by woman. No, I believe you capable of everything great and good in your married lives. I believe you equal to every important exertion, and to every domestic forbearance, so long as - if I may be allowed the expression - so long as you have an object. I mean while the woman you love lives, and lives for you. All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one; you need not covet it), is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone.'

In my experience if they can't get a new relationship really fast, they move onto problem drinking.

@florizel13 Yeah not all men definitely, and I know women who can't be alone and men who like being single so its not a hard and fast rule, especially with the younger generation and it being more equal. I think the older ones are used to women looking after them

How do people move on so quickly? I can’t even find a semi decent man to date and it’s been over a year since my last serious relationship.

I’ve been single 4 years and not found anyone I want to go on more than one date with, let alone have an actual relationship

Low standards

And only a fictitious man would reply as follows, and mean it: Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you… (Captain Wentworth)

I think because there are many men who are great dads, are totally present and love being one so these women hope they have found the same. But you are right there too many men who aren't interested in being a dad.. They like the sex that leads to it though.

@MrsJellybee Well, I think Wentworth was no more honest and sincere than other men when he said that. He was lying to himself, though, and believed it as he said it.

Jane Austen was not taken in by him, in my opinion (or by any other of the men she wrote so skilfully).

I think you’re right. He was pained by the truth of Anne’s words and needed to prove her wrong. I reckon Wentworth had a woman in every port ;)

Yes!

Nooooooo, not Wentworth! Although it is rather telling that his interest in Anne only properly revived after he saw Mr E eyeing her up in Lyme Regis. Nothing like jealousy for reviving sexual interest!

Remember that Anne was still relatively young and attractive so there was still a reasonable chance of her marrying, especially in a big place like Bath. The main factor is that he realised that he wanted an intelligent woman, rather than the attractive but somewhat mindless Louisa Musgrove.

In my case, was with STBXH over 20 years, married for 13, one DD. As recently as last summer he was saying how he was still in love with me and wanted things to work out. We separated last October. By February he told me he was with someone, although I have my suspicions there may have a degree of overlap. They split up and within weeks he is with someone else again! It does make me question whether our relationship actually meant anything at all to him, but I think he is one of these who can't be on his own. Sadly he has also turned out to be one of those who very much prioritises these new relationships over DD.

In other couples I know who have divorced/ended long term relationships it has tended to be similar. I'm not ready to date (logistics of doing this as a lone parent aside) never mind have a relationship. Also, among friends it's the men who are asking me about dating/encouraging me to get on apps etc not the women.

This is just my experience, not saying its universal obviously

There are quite a few comments on this thread that would be shouted down as misogyny or sexism if made about women. On the other hand I think there is some truth in a lot of these observations.

I think that quite a lot of men are programmed to want a partner even if they have come out of a long term relationship. Have seen it in quite a few friends and acquaintances.

Personally I have had four relationships over a year in my life including a long marriage. At the end of each one I took a few months out mostly because I was fed up of relationships at the time.

Right now I have been single for three years. Do I miss having a female lover, companion, confidante? Yes.

Am I going to compromise my active, happy, fulfilled life for someone not suitable? No