Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family members who facilitate an affair

127 replies

MsBuffyAnneSummers · 08/11/2023 17:45

Like many women, I'm stuck in a marriage with a husband who had an affair about 6 years ago.

I'm not a forgiving person and I have not forgiven him. I just learned to accept my new reality and live with it the best I can.

I made peace that even divorcing, I would still have to have a relationship with him so I made a choice to try again.

My issue is with his sister. During the affair she provided her brother with alibis when he was with the OW, while I was sitting at home with a baby and primary aged child. She lied to my face repeatedly and schemed behind my back on how they were going to cover up the affair so my FIL (who was my absolute rock when it all came out) wouldn't find out.

She is infertile and I believe she thought that a divorce would give her better access to my kids where she could play mum to her hearts content.

Since, it came out, I blocked her and have not spoken to her since. My husband takes the kids to my FIL's where his sister sees them once maybe every 6-8 weeks.

I refuse to be in the same room as her and I hate her with a fiery passion. 17 years I was a part of her family and she betrayed me completely but I'm not obligated to have a relationship with her.

She's desperate to have a closer relationship with my children. I've said no, am I out of order?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 08/11/2023 17:50

You've said no as in you won't facilitate it or no as in you're actively blocking it?

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2023 17:50

He can facilitate the relationship between the kids and his sister. But you’re so hugely unreasonable to expect more from her than your actual husband. For 17 years he was your husband he’s the one who promised to be faithful to you. She didn’t promise you anything and she may be a dick but she chose her brother over you, people often do that.

Your comment about her infertility is horrific. And if she wanted you to divorce why was she covering for her.

You're not wrong for declining to have a relationship with her but you are for everything else.

FloweryName · 08/11/2023 17:50

No, you’re not out of order. She doesn’t deserve to be in your lives when she was happy to contribute to damaging your family.

You don’t have to be stuck in your marriage if you don’t want to be though. Even if she did end up ‘playing mum’ on occasional weekends she will never be your children’s mum. That position is yours alone and it is safe. I would ask yourself if you really are at peace with your decision to stay in your marriage and you haven’t just deflected your feelings on to your sil.

fourelementary · 08/11/2023 17:53

You are being unreasonable- sorry. She was in the wrong to lie and cover up but it was her brother. So her loyalties lay with him as he’s always going to be in her life, I get that. You’re mean to suggest she had any ulterior motive and it makes no sense as if she’d wanted you to split she’d have been better off NOT covering for him.
If you’re making “trying again” with your marriage but haven’t forgiven him… then it’s never going to work for you and you will just end up bitter are horrible. Maybe this is coming out in your actions and feelings towards your SIL.

jlpth · 08/11/2023 17:54

She claims to value your children and yet she actively participated in the destruction of their family unit.

Any relationship with your kids would be for her benefit, not theirs. She’s shown she not only won’t protect them, but will participate in destruction concerning them.

in short, she can go fuck herself.

bjrce · 08/11/2023 18:02

You are directing your anger at the wrong person!

BerfyTigot · 08/11/2023 18:03

I'm with you. She repeatedly lied to you - how could you ever trust her again?

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 08/11/2023 18:05

Do better by yourself.

Sod her. Let him facilitate whatever it is he wants to.

But you might want to revisit your decision on leaving. It sounds as though it is pretty much eating you up and you are using her as your focus/distraction!

jlpth · 08/11/2023 18:06

fourelementary · 08/11/2023 17:53

You are being unreasonable- sorry. She was in the wrong to lie and cover up but it was her brother. So her loyalties lay with him as he’s always going to be in her life, I get that. You’re mean to suggest she had any ulterior motive and it makes no sense as if she’d wanted you to split she’d have been better off NOT covering for him.
If you’re making “trying again” with your marriage but haven’t forgiven him… then it’s never going to work for you and you will just end up bitter are horrible. Maybe this is coming out in your actions and feelings towards your SIL.

The SIL did not need to choose her brother over the OP. She could have said to her brother “please don’t involve me”. But she actively enabled her brother to cheat on his family. And yes, it is cheating on the family. Who was looking after his baby and young kid whilst he was shagging?

SIL’s behaviour was not loyalty to her brother. It was way beyond that. It was deceitful, wicked and damaging to the family unit that the kids are in (the kids she claims to care about).

not a chance in hell would I facilitate my brother cheating on my sil and nieces.

AmandaHoldensLips · 08/11/2023 18:07

The whole thing sounds pretty toxic.

jlpth · 08/11/2023 18:10

bjrce · 08/11/2023 18:02

You are directing your anger at the wrong person!

SIL wasn’t passive. She actively facilitated the affair by lying to OP. Its not a case of she knew and didn’t tell, she lied herself as well. OP justifiably hates SIL.

And that’s totally separate to what OP’s dh did - she can be angry with him too.

Gnomegnomegnome · 08/11/2023 18:12

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2023 17:50

He can facilitate the relationship between the kids and his sister. But you’re so hugely unreasonable to expect more from her than your actual husband. For 17 years he was your husband he’s the one who promised to be faithful to you. She didn’t promise you anything and she may be a dick but she chose her brother over you, people often do that.

Your comment about her infertility is horrific. And if she wanted you to divorce why was she covering for her.

You're not wrong for declining to have a relationship with her but you are for everything else.

With bells on

Marblessolveeverything · 08/11/2023 18:13

With respect the fury you feel is misplaced. You are projecting your anger to her as it is safer than releasing it on who really is at fault.

She did not have affair your husband did , why are you setting her to a higher standard than him? Because she is a woman ?

Ballsbaill · 08/11/2023 18:13

MsBuffyAnneSummers · 08/11/2023 17:45

Like many women, I'm stuck in a marriage with a husband who had an affair about 6 years ago.

I'm not a forgiving person and I have not forgiven him. I just learned to accept my new reality and live with it the best I can.

I made peace that even divorcing, I would still have to have a relationship with him so I made a choice to try again.

My issue is with his sister. During the affair she provided her brother with alibis when he was with the OW, while I was sitting at home with a baby and primary aged child. She lied to my face repeatedly and schemed behind my back on how they were going to cover up the affair so my FIL (who was my absolute rock when it all came out) wouldn't find out.

She is infertile and I believe she thought that a divorce would give her better access to my kids where she could play mum to her hearts content.

Since, it came out, I blocked her and have not spoken to her since. My husband takes the kids to my FIL's where his sister sees them once maybe every 6-8 weeks.

I refuse to be in the same room as her and I hate her with a fiery passion. 17 years I was a part of her family and she betrayed me completely but I'm not obligated to have a relationship with her.

She's desperate to have a closer relationship with my children. I've said no, am I out of order?

My sister had an affair. She told me all about it. I told her it was wrong, I told her to stop, I even called her names and told her she'd lose everything.

It was not my place to tell her husband. She chose to tell me and that's that. I wish she hadn't.

He caught her and divorced her and now my sister lives in penury she's realised what she did.

My ex bil never held it against me as he saw it as not my place to tell him. He's more mature in outlook that you clearly.

Malarandras · 08/11/2023 18:16

You’re not wrong, but I don’t understand why you are not more angry at your husband? I don’t actually understand why he’s still your husband. I think that’s your bigger problem.

jlpth · 08/11/2023 18:18

Many of these responses have misunderstood the situation.

the situation is not simply that the sil knew about the affair and didn’t tell op

the situation is that the sil repeatedly lied to OP’s face to provide an alibi. Repeated, bare faced lies.

SiennaMillar · 08/11/2023 18:19

YANBU. She’s seriously morally lacking. I’d hate her too.

Original poster
MsBuffyAnneSummers · 08/11/2023 18:20

I am actively blocking, as she has asked via my husband to take my children on days out.

As pp said, she could have taken no part in covering for him. I have brothers myself and wouldn't do what she did, but then again, I have morales and integrity which seems to be lacking in that family.

What he did was unforgivable and the part she played was unforgivable also.

There were consequences to his actions which continue to this day. From my perspective, this is the consequences of her actions.

She covered for him so that he could leave me and it be just because" I love her, I'm just not in love with her". It wasn't to avoid divorce.

OP posts:
Ballsbaill · 08/11/2023 18:29

Your children will make their own mind up about her though. You can't expect them to hate their dad and her. Or do you?

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 08/11/2023 18:30

YANBU I would feel exactly the same. I did wonder if your anger towards her was misdirected but you need to do what feels right for you.

Original poster
MsBuffyAnneSummers · 08/11/2023 18:45

I have plenty of fury for the both of them. My anger for him is tempered by the fact we have two children together and I don't want my kids to hate their father, of course not.

I don't want them to hate her either, hatred is corrosive and I want better for my kids than how I feel. What I want is for them to have a distant, possibly exchange Christmas cards but not invited to their weddings type relationship.

It's odd. I don't hate the OW any more, I understand that I was just a shadow painting to her, not a real person that she owed anything to.

OP posts:
Ballsbaill · 08/11/2023 18:47

What I want is for them to have a distant, possibly exchange Christmas cards but not invited to their weddings type relationship.

Your dc will make their own minds up when they're older. You can't stop them ultimately.
**

Milake · 08/11/2023 18:51

The whole thing is messed up but I think the fact you've stayed with your husband but blocked her makes you look ridiculous to be honest. It's following the tired old trope that cheating should be tolerated in men and women are the culpable ones for going along with it.

I don't think that you will ever feel peace remaining in this relationship and redirecting all the anger you isn't for your husband onto her.

At the very least please consider counselling so you can untangle your feels and move onto a happier place, with or without your husband.

potatoheads · 08/11/2023 18:52

jlpth · 08/11/2023 18:18

Many of these responses have misunderstood the situation.

the situation is not simply that the sil knew about the affair and didn’t tell op

the situation is that the sil repeatedly lied to OP’s face to provide an alibi. Repeated, bare faced lies.

Yes yes we all get this. It would make complete sense for the OP to never want to set eyes upon her SIL again if she didn't chose to stay with her DH. It's the ridiculousness of choosing to despise the SIL whilst choosing to live happy families or even tolerant families with the man who owed her his fidelity

potatoheads · 08/11/2023 18:54

Wow so OP you viscerally hate the SIL but not the OW or your DH. That's some level of messed up. It's like you hate the one person who was a supporting actor but not the people playing the lead role. It's because it suits you better as it's more convenient to you to hate her the most as it affects you the least. But that is seriously messed up thinking

Swipe left for the next trending thread