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Original poster

Family members who facilitate an affair

127 replies

MsBuffyAnneSummers · 08/11/2023 17:45

Like many women, I'm stuck in a marriage with a husband who had an affair about 6 years ago.

I'm not a forgiving person and I have not forgiven him. I just learned to accept my new reality and live with it the best I can.

I made peace that even divorcing, I would still have to have a relationship with him so I made a choice to try again.

My issue is with his sister. During the affair she provided her brother with alibis when he was with the OW, while I was sitting at home with a baby and primary aged child. She lied to my face repeatedly and schemed behind my back on how they were going to cover up the affair so my FIL (who was my absolute rock when it all came out) wouldn't find out.

She is infertile and I believe she thought that a divorce would give her better access to my kids where she could play mum to her hearts content.

Since, it came out, I blocked her and have not spoken to her since. My husband takes the kids to my FIL's where his sister sees them once maybe every 6-8 weeks.

I refuse to be in the same room as her and I hate her with a fiery passion. 17 years I was a part of her family and she betrayed me completely but I'm not obligated to have a relationship with her.

She's desperate to have a closer relationship with my children. I've said no, am I out of order?

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 08/11/2023 18:55

Your anger is misplaced.
Goodness knows what Web of lies he told his sister about you!

jlpth · 08/11/2023 18:58

potatoheads · 08/11/2023 18:52

Yes yes we all get this. It would make complete sense for the OP to never want to set eyes upon her SIL again if she didn't chose to stay with her DH. It's the ridiculousness of choosing to despise the SIL whilst choosing to live happy families or even tolerant families with the man who owed her his fidelity

Show quote history

You are comparing things that can't be compared. You can't compare the OP's relationship with DH to her relationship with SIL. Because she lives with "D"H and he's the father of their kids. She doesn't live with SIL or have kids with SIL or anything at all - she can just cut her off.

applebee33 · 08/11/2023 19:03

Your dead right OP. She sounds like a nasty cow. I get backing up for a sibling but she could have also told him she wasn't facilitating his sordid affair !

Astababe · 08/11/2023 19:07

@Ballsbaill Completely different situation though. You told your sister to stop whereas his sister provided alibis for him! Regardless of the OP’s relationship with her husband, that is an utter betrayal from dsil. Unforgivable.

FairyMaclary · 08/11/2023 19:11

Interesting as I believe the surviving infidelity forums and how to help my spouse heal from
my affair book - suggest cutting off anyone who encouraged the affair - if you are trying to reconcile.

This is because they are not a friend of the marriage. It also assumes that both parties want to reconcile and have a good marriage going forward.

I presume if it was his brother rather than sister who was not a friend of the marriage (or a friend rather than a relative) you would hold the same views. So I don’t think this is holding a woman to a higher account.

This is exactly why affairs are so corrosive. They are not star crossed lovers. They are people who make active choices that damage many other people. They damage far more people than the hurt spouse. The damage lasts a long time too.

Original poster
MsBuffyAnneSummers · 08/11/2023 19:22

FairyMaclary · 08/11/2023 19:11

Interesting as I believe the surviving infidelity forums and how to help my spouse heal from
my affair book - suggest cutting off anyone who encouraged the affair - if you are trying to reconcile.

This is because they are not a friend of the marriage. It also assumes that both parties want to reconcile and have a good marriage going forward.

I presume if it was his brother rather than sister who was not a friend of the marriage (or a friend rather than a relative) you would hold the same views. So I don’t think this is holding a woman to a higher account.

This is exactly why affairs are so corrosive. They are not star crossed lovers. They are people who make active choices that damage many other people. They damage far more people than the hurt spouse. The damage lasts a long time too.

In fairness, his male best friend knew about the affair, made jokes about it via text before it all came out. Thought it was all a big laugh.

I've not spoken to him since and we were quite close before. But he hasn't tried to forcibly reinsert himself in my life unlike the SIL. So it's definitely not about forcing a woman to answer for a man's crimes.

OP posts:
Itsnotchristmasyet · 08/11/2023 19:26

I have morales and integrity which seems to be lacking in that family.

You can’t say you have morals and integrity when you’ve carried on a relationship with a man who had an affair.

You don’t want to talk to her because she facilitated it but yet you’re happy to talk to, live with and be in a relationship with a man who was the one who physically cheated on you.

You either forgive them both or you forgive neither of them.
You may even forgive her but not him.
But you cannot forgive him and not her though, that doesn’t make sense.

I’m sorry this happened to you but you are focusing on the wrong person here.

Snugglemonkey · 08/11/2023 19:27

fourelementary · 08/11/2023 17:53

You are being unreasonable- sorry. She was in the wrong to lie and cover up but it was her brother. So her loyalties lay with him as he’s always going to be in her life, I get that. You’re mean to suggest she had any ulterior motive and it makes no sense as if she’d wanted you to split she’d have been better off NOT covering for him.
If you’re making “trying again” with your marriage but haven’t forgiven him… then it’s never going to work for you and you will just end up bitter are horrible. Maybe this is coming out in your actions and feelings towards your SIL.

I agree. It feels like you have directed the rage at the wrong person.

momonpurpose · 08/11/2023 19:28

jlpth · 08/11/2023 17:54

She claims to value your children and yet she actively participated in the destruction of their family unit.

Any relationship with your kids would be for her benefit, not theirs. She’s shown she not only won’t protect them, but will participate in destruction concerning them.

in short, she can go fuck herself.

This OP just this. She clearly didn't value your children enough to have no part in the betrayal so there's no need to be close to them now

Original poster
MsBuffyAnneSummers · 08/11/2023 19:35

Itsnotchristmasyet · 08/11/2023 19:26

I have morales and integrity which seems to be lacking in that family.

You can’t say you have morals and integrity when you’ve carried on a relationship with a man who had an affair.

You don’t want to talk to her because she facilitated it but yet you’re happy to talk to, live with and be in a relationship with a man who was the one who physically cheated on you.

You either forgive them both or you forgive neither of them.
You may even forgive her but not him.
But you cannot forgive him and not her though, that doesn’t make sense.

I’m sorry this happened to you but you are focusing on the wrong person here.

Edited

Are you on glue? Of course I've still got morales and integrity.

I wasn't the one riding rings round myself and lying to my spouse. I am loyal and honest so where have I lost my integrity or morales?

His affair was about something lacking in him, not me. Like all affairs I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsBuffyAnneSummers · 08/11/2023 19:37

@Itsnotchristmasyet

Also, Isaid in my very first post, I've not forgiven him. So I'm happy to maintain the status quo of not forgiving either. Thanks

OP posts:
Rocksonabeach · 08/11/2023 19:38

Not an affair.
But my husband when separated lied about having cancer and being in hospital - I phoned the hospital and eventually when I drove there and showed them texts saying he had cancer and was on a ward - they informed me he had never attended that hospital. That is a totally bad thing but he phoned his parents 4 times a day during our marriage so I then phoned his parents saying ‘have you heard from him - where is he? the children are crying etc’ and both his parents denied having any knowledge of where he was (although they didn’t know about the cancer lies or hospital lies) and I sent them screenshots of his messages. I then phoned his bf who said ‘oh he is staying in his parents second home in Suffolk etc ‘

I phoned them back and said ‘what the hell is going on - I know you have spoken to him’ his parents again denied it and I said - he is in house in Suffolk you are lying to me and his children. They were silent and I said ‘you and I are finished and over, as is our marriage.’
I left a voice Mail on his phone saying the same.

they lied to me despite evidence their son was lying about cancer and hospital visits and I just called it a day. Haven’t spoken to them since.

so no she’s a lying bitch and actively showed you she doesn’t care about you or your children or marriage so my children and I wouldn’t see her.

im guessing she hadn’t apologised - turning a blind eye would be very hurtful actively helping him - nope. But then he would be my ex as well.

JustAMinutePleass · 08/11/2023 19:43

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category12 · 08/11/2023 19:45

It doesn't sound very healthy or happy to consider yourself "stuck" with your husband and have all this bitterness towards your SIL.

Why are you stuck? Surely a clean break would have been better than this mess?

Are you happy with your husband now?

Original poster
MsBuffyAnneSummers · 08/11/2023 19:48

This reply has been deleted

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Did you miss the part in the OP where I said I haven't forgiven anyone? Someone is as thick as two short planks but I think you should be looking a little closer to home to find that person... maybe try a mirrorGrin

OP posts:
Itsnotchristmasyet · 08/11/2023 19:51

MsBuffyAnneSummers · 08/11/2023 19:37

@Itsnotchristmasyet

Also, Isaid in my very first post, I've not forgiven him. So I'm happy to maintain the status quo of not forgiving either. Thanks

If you are back in a relationship with him, living with him and being intimate with him, then yes you have forgiven him.

If you want to forgive him and carry on the relationship, then that’s absolutely fine as many people do.

But you cannot say that what your SIL did was worse than what he did, that you can get past what he did but not get past what she did - when he was the one who actually did it!

If someone committed a crime and another person covered it up, they would both have done wrong but the person who committed the crime is obviously way worse.

If you can move past his behaviour, why can’t you move past hers when her behaviour was no where near as bad as his?

Drttc · 08/11/2023 19:55

Strictly speaking in terms of your SIL (because your children’s father will always be a role model to them anyways), I would not want a person who is dishonest and facilitates adultery in a marriage to be a contributor to my children’s upbringing. Obviously, your DH is to blame - but he is inevitably in the picture forever! However, your SIL is also of very poor character and perfectly liable to suffer social consequences due to her decisions. If you think about it, it’s easier to combat one potential negative influence/person than to combat two people who may be teaching a more ‘shady’ approach to social interactions.

Original poster
MsBuffyAnneSummers · 08/11/2023 19:55

@category12

I don't love him anymore. That died when I found out. But we have a job to do in raising these children and we do it relatively well. We don't fight or argue and we can have a laugh.

I've realised in all this that I can't rely on someone else for my happiness. I do things that make me happy and after my kids, I come first. Which I think is healthier than allowing someone else the power to destroy your happiness.

OP posts:
MinnieL · 08/11/2023 19:58

but I think the fact you've stayed with your husband but blocked her makes you look ridiculous to be honest.

Right?! I was going to say the exact same thing. You block the SIL for lying to your face but have stayed in a relationship with your husband who literally cheated on you and had sex with someone else? Okay then. That makes a whole lot of sense doesn’t it? I think you look like a laughing stock

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2023 20:00

So are you stuck as you said to begin with, or are you choosing to stay with him for kids/financial/reasons? They’re different things.

If he cheats again are you still staying?

Maray1967 · 08/11/2023 20:01

jlpth · 08/11/2023 18:06

The SIL did not need to choose her brother over the OP. She could have said to her brother “please don’t involve me”. But she actively enabled her brother to cheat on his family. And yes, it is cheating on the family. Who was looking after his baby and young kid whilst he was shagging?

SIL’s behaviour was not loyalty to her brother. It was way beyond that. It was deceitful, wicked and damaging to the family unit that the kids are in (the kids she claims to care about).

not a chance in hell would I facilitate my brother cheating on my sil and nieces.

Show quote history

Same here. There’s no way I would cover if my brother did that. Can’t believe he would though.

I entirely understand why you wish to keep her away from your kids. I’d feel and do the same.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 08/11/2023 20:06

MinnieL · 08/11/2023 19:58

but I think the fact you've stayed with your husband but blocked her makes you look ridiculous to be honest.

Right?! I was going to say the exact same thing. You block the SIL for lying to your face but have stayed in a relationship with your husband who literally cheated on you and had sex with someone else? Okay then. That makes a whole lot of sense doesn’t it? I think you look like a laughing stock

Exactly!

category12 · 08/11/2023 20:07

MsBuffyAnneSummers · 08/11/2023 19:55

@category12

I don't love him anymore. That died when I found out. But we have a job to do in raising these children and we do it relatively well. We don't fight or argue and we can have a laugh.

I've realised in all this that I can't rely on someone else for my happiness. I do things that make me happy and after my kids, I come first. Which I think is healthier than allowing someone else the power to destroy your happiness.

Do you still have a sexual relationship?

If you no longer love him, do you think this is a good model of relationships to give your children, even if you get on alright day to day? Would you want them to make the same choice in their future relationships, if a similar situation occurred?

Letsbepractical · 08/11/2023 20:12

How is this home environment you are now co creating beneficial for your children? They will sense the resentment - if not more - you have for your DH.
Get divorced. Nothing good will come out of staying with him.

Original poster
MsBuffyAnneSummers · 08/11/2023 20:13

@AnneLovesGilbert

I want to be free of him entirely. But that won't happen until the kids are older so I'm stuck in that I've chosen the least horrible option.

Im a bit incredulous that people think I've forgiven him. How can I forgive him when I can't even forgive myself for taking him back? I think I am redirecting my anger but not from him, from me. I am angry with myself for being in this position because before this I was all "if my husband ever cheats, his feet wouldn't even touch the ground as I kick him out"

Thanks to those of you who get it.

OP posts:
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