Family members who facilitate an affair

[MsBuffyAnneSummers]

Like many women, I'm stuck in a marriage with a husband who had an affair about 6 years ago.

I'm not a forgiving person and I have not forgiven him. I just learned to accept my new reality and live with it the best I can.

I made peace that even divorcing, I would still have to have a relationship with him so I made a choice to try again.

My issue is with his sister. During the affair she provided her brother with alibis when he was with the OW, while I was sitting at home with a baby and primary aged child. She lied to my face repeatedly and schemed behind my back on how they were going to cover up the affair so my FIL (who was my absolute rock when it all came out) wouldn't find out.

She is infertile and I believe she thought that a divorce would give her better access to my kids where she could play mum to her hearts content.

Since, it came out, I blocked her and have not spoken to her since. My husband takes the kids to my FIL's where his sister sees them once maybe every 6-8 weeks.

I refuse to be in the same room as her and I hate her with a fiery passion. 17 years I was a part of her family and she betrayed me completely but I'm not obligated to have a relationship with her.

She's desperate to have a closer relationship with my children. I've said no, am I out of order?

"she betrayed me completely"

Your husband betrayed you completely.
And you still want to be married to him.

It’s not easy to LTB at all. Less so when you have children together, less so when you’re financially enmeshed. I would also play the long game.

I’d absolutely completely block a SIL who actively lied to me to facilitate my DH’s affair, she’d not even be seeing my dc every few whenever either without me. And I’d tell them why when they’re older.

OP has clearly stated she hasn't forgiven her husband. She may have accepted his affair and come to terms with his piss poor treatment of her, I expect for her children but not forgiven.

No woman could forgive an affair along with all the lying and betrayal.

I certainly wouldn't forgive or have anything to do with anyone that was complicit in my betrayal like her SIL.
OP's anger is not misplaced either, she can be annoyed with who ever she likes. I wouldn't want SIL around my children either, she is not a safe role model and as a parent, I have the choice who my children spent time with.

OP, sadly I suspect people will claim you are weaponising your children as revenge on SIL, but so what, she should have known better and accorded you some respect. You owe the bitch nothing.

It sounds like a very stressful life but you are doing what you feel is best.

Perfectly understandable that you want zero to do with those that facilitated the affair.

Your SIL was not thinking of what was best for your children when she supported the affair.

You are perfectly within your rights to not want to facilitate a relationship between them.

Mind yourself.

I don't think she does want to be married to him. She's made an assessment and staying married to him is the least bad option in her situation, with children.

She can deal with it in her own way and she asked if she was out of order. You think she isn't and I think she was disproportionately and irrationally angry with the sister to avoid her feelings of anger with the husband.

The fact that she covered up for the brother is not in my opinion such a massive threat to the children without other evidence that she is toxic, which the OP hasn't given but that you have inferred. We don't know why she did it and the OP's contention that it's down to her infertility is pretty appalling and says more about the OP than it does the SiL.

I doubt we are going to agree on this as you persistently continue to more critical of the SiL than the DH. Substituting the word but for and doesn't change the implication. You still reserve your detailed criticism for her, calling her a threat, dominant, toxic etc.

OP seems to have nailed the analysis herself.

Thing is, of course you don't want the SIL in your life. Not unreasonable to block her at all. But your decision to stay with your husband means she's always there. Even if you don't communicate with or even see her, she's still your husband's sister and children's aunt, her presence is in the background.

Our partners come with their families as a package deal. He's still your husband so she's still part of that deal, no matter what boundaries you erect. I don't think you need to be told that if you left him, you could leave her behind too - so easily. You've made your choice to stay and one of the effects of that is that you can't extricate yourself from her as completely as you want.

I also think you're on a hiding to nothing trying to enforce the kind of relationship your kids have with her. Your husband is still their parent and if his parenting involves taking his kids to see their aunt, that's not really something they can control. Of course you don't have to facilitate it yourself. But when they're adults they are going to have relationships with whomever they choose.

You have integrity and morals @MsBuffyAnneSummers and don't listen to those on here who tell you you don't have those things just because you've made the decision to stay with him.
The point of you coming on here was not that you wanted to discuss him but that you wanted to discuss your sister-in-law.
Barring hating your guts, a person, in your case your sister-in-law, would really only facilitate an affair if they stood to gain something from it so I get why you've jumped on her infertility as a reason. I don't think you're wrong to question what her motivation is.
After such a long time you would think she would have some sort of loyalty to you both, not just to her brother. She had other options available. She could have told him that she wasn't going to get involved.
Was the OW known to her? Were they friends?
If you feel she is a toxic energy then you simply don't need to engage with her.

More like she covered for him because she felt she owed him in some way ? Who knows maybe he covered up for her in the past ? Plus you don't know what he told her . Maybe he played you both off against each other ? Just some thoughts and theories.

I've realised in all this that I can't rely on someone else for my happiness. I do things that make me happy and after my kids, I come first. Which I think is healthier than allowing someone else the power to destroy your happiness.

Good for you. It must have been horrendous at the time and made a million times worse by realising that his sister was actually facilitating it and lying to you too.

I understand your reasoning in staying for the DC. You get on fine. but you don't love him and your priority are those DC. Thats your decision and if that works then thats all you can hope for.

As for SIL, I'd have absolutely nothing to do with her and I'd also not be facilitating a relationship between her and my DC either. She actively tried to break up their home and their little lives to not only protect her shitshow of a brother, but to actively facilitate him cheating on you.
He can take them to see her, but no way would I ever forgive her and no way would she be inserting herself actively into my dc's lives. Like you say, she'd be a relative they get an xmas card from and that it.
They do not need people like that in their life.
She has shown herself to be someone who will not look out for them and she let them down as much as she let you down. So she gets to have nothing to do with them.

The impact and recovery time from betrayal is 2-5 years. Some will take longer. It will possibly have taken her 5 years to decide if she can or can’t forgive him. We have no idea what support she has had. Or if she has PTSD. She may be the main earner and does not want to compromise her children’s lifestyle or give him half the house while the kids need it.

Those questioning her integrity. She may have been 100% honest with him. He may know she doesn’t respect him, can’t forgive him and thinks he’s a shitbag but he is STILL too cowardly to live his own life. They may get on fine but are not overly affectionate - I think many marriages are like that. If they rub along nicely and get on fine they are doing better than many families with grumpy arsed husbands I see in the park, cinema, supermarket, school run each week. Where dad stares blankly at his phone while mum runs round after the kids. Or dad spends the weekend on his hobby and misses the kids growing up. Op was thrown into a shit situation and that sucks. She knows her reality and I hope she is as happy as possible.

Op you owe her nothing. She was malicious in her actions. If you Google malicious and forgiveness there have been studies done on this.

I do wonder if your husband is truly remorseful or if he justifys his poor choices with unmet needs theory (which I think is nonsense). Unmet needs and foo issues do not cause you to choose to abuse your spouse. Just like we don’t justify domestic violence this way (we used to justify it as a society). Society needs far more education on the impact of infidelity. The ripple effects (mental health, poverty, family fractures etc) are far greater than a sad spouse.

An affair is thousands of choices. A slip on ice is an accident/it just happens. An affair is thousands of decisions that an abusive spouse chose to make to gratify themselves. Sister in law joined that journey (without the dopamine fix presumably). You can’t stop your husband seeing his kids but you can reduce contact with sil. You have no loyalty to her.

I know someone (early 20s) who cut off their parent for being a cheat - 20 plus years later they are still fully at peace with that decision. Choices have consequences, the parent is still mourning the loss of their adult child and loves young dream turned out to be the same shit each day but a different face on the pillow next to them.

I understand why you don't want to see her again. I also understand why you don't want your children to see her, but I don't think that's reasonable. She is their auntie, and if your DH wants them to see her, then you can't really stop him. It doesn't mean you have to see her. Your children aren't pawns to be used to punish someone.

As many pp have said, your anger at your SIL seems disproportionate. If you can look past your DH's huge betrayal of you, why are you still so angry at your SIL? She may have betrayed you, but only to a small degree of your husband's betrayal. And - her betrayal wouldn't have been possible without his decision to betray you in the first place.

So to be more angry at her than him is irrational. You are holding her to higher stanards than the man who married you and promised to be faithful.

You aren't stuck with your husband. You can leave him, and be happier. I would argue it would be better for your childen too, as this is clearly still making you unhappy and angry, which will have changed who you are to an extent.

For you and your children, I'd leave the man I no longer love or trust or particularly like, and seek a more peaceful life.

Why is it unreasonable to prevent a relationship with a toxic auntie?

one of my SIL’s is utterly toxic, and she’s not done anything approaching the betrayal OP experienced. My DC won’t be having anything to do with her as they get older. She’s going to be very lonely when her parents are no longer around as she’s a horrible person.

I wonder if her facilitating his affair is ultimately down to the kick she gets from a sense of power of knowing something which the OP didn't know.

Do you think that you might be deflecting some of your anger towards your SIL rather than your ExH?

She was in the wrong yes, but maybe it's easier to be angry with someone you can effectively cut out, rather than with your children's father.

This thread blows my mind you stayed married to this man, in the bed the same home but you blocked the sister. I’m not saying she wasn’t in the wrong but your anger is so misplaced. Your dh screwed you over and disrespected you, he was married to you, his vows were broken.

You could absolutely divorce and be happy. Having to see him for drop off/ pick up for the child would absolutely make your life so much better than staying married. You don’t have to accept this sad reality that your living.

I don’t however see anything wrong with the children seeing the aunt, you can however say this is up to dad to facilitate and auntie isn’t allowed to come to the house.

I don't think the OP is deflecting some of her anger from her husband towards her SIL. OP has felt anger towards both of them.
She has said herself that she may be deflecting anger from herself (she feels angry at herself).
These are two different people against whom the OP will different types of anger. I totally get it. Neither of them had OP's back but in some ways it is much more perplexing that your own SIL should shit on you like this. Although the behaviour of the MM is utterly wrong, we can at least understand logically that the MM gets benefits in the form of sex, attention, ego-stroking, etc. OP has been trying to establish SIL's motivation for facilitating her brother's behaviour. Why on earth would the SIL even get involved?! It is because OP can't make sense of SIL's behaviour, that she's justifiably still angry.

Why on earth would you want to sit across the kitchen table with someone who helped facillitate your husbands affair. If she was in anyway a decent person or SIL she would have chastised him or refused to be part of something which could devestate the family unit.

That's not a woman I would trust, ever again.

As for the husband, that's up to op whether she forgives him or not and weigh up the best options for herself and the children, it's completely separate.

The Aunty is a fool if she seriously wanted a long term relationship with her nieces/nephews, I should imagine the refusal to forgive SIL is part and parcel of the h's punishment, op is taking the power back and refusing to socialise with someone who was happy to see her humiliated and taken a mug of.

Her husband will no longer have the opportunity to humiliate her in front of the SIL if he chooses to act badly again., that's an audience that's gone.

But you’re not stuck, you’ve chosen to stay. You must have the acting chops of Kate Winslet to not let your negative feelings not impact your children.

Hate away OP but there’s a hypocrisy in your attitude to your SIL. In your position I wouldn’t want to have a relationship with your SIL either but your ‘we can still have a laugh’ comment about your cheating H, is confusing. You are practicing next level compartmentalisation.

Not quite- SiL was very active in covering up the affair, which is pretty shit.

OP chose to stay with the husband for the sake of the kids. She doe snot need to extend the courtesy to the SiL.

She is infertile and I believe she thought that a divorce would give her better access to my kids where she could play mum to her hearts content. for that comment alone I lost any sympathy I might have had.

You sound like a bitter horrible person. Sometimes bad things happen to bad people, and if your children are fucked up by this then you are to blame.

This sounds deeply, deeply unhealthy. Your children will be much better off being raised by two separated parents with their own lives who don't stay together for the sake of appearances whilst resenting one another.

Your husband is the one who broke his marriage vows, not your SIL; grow a backbone and leave him if you hate him that much.

Staying married gives OP some control over who the H takes the children to see. She can keep the amount of time the SIL and extended family spend with her DC.

Also it gives her time to get together money to get divorced.

once DC are slightly older she can walk away comfortable in the knowledge her DC will have autonomy over who they see.

those berating the OP for not leaving a marriage have no idea how expensive and difficult divorce is, and when you have young dc child contact battles are incredibly damaging for dc.

I’d do the same, and research the best solicitor as well.

I so agree, likewise with his twat friend.

The OP knows well that she remains married to a twat, but she has clearly detached from him and has decided for her reasons that for now, it is in the best interests of her children and herself that she remains married.

The OP is neither deluded nor delusional.

She has made a calculated decision to remain with her twat husband for as long as suits her.

Many women do this for reasons of convience, work, housing, childcare and childrens exams.

She has noted that both she and twatty maintain a polite facade.

Her SIL and her husbands twatty friend that condoned the affair, are superfluous to requirements and will not be entertained further...

All very reasonable.

It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but the OP is doing her best IMO, in difficult circumstances.