Family members who facilitate an affair

[MsBuffyAnneSummers]

Like many women, I'm stuck in a marriage with a husband who had an affair about 6 years ago.

I'm not a forgiving person and I have not forgiven him. I just learned to accept my new reality and live with it the best I can.

I made peace that even divorcing, I would still have to have a relationship with him so I made a choice to try again.

My issue is with his sister. During the affair she provided her brother with alibis when he was with the OW, while I was sitting at home with a baby and primary aged child. She lied to my face repeatedly and schemed behind my back on how they were going to cover up the affair so my FIL (who was my absolute rock when it all came out) wouldn't find out.

She is infertile and I believe she thought that a divorce would give her better access to my kids where she could play mum to her hearts content.

Since, it came out, I blocked her and have not spoken to her since. My husband takes the kids to my FIL's where his sister sees them once maybe every 6-8 weeks.

I refuse to be in the same room as her and I hate her with a fiery passion. 17 years I was a part of her family and she betrayed me completely but I'm not obligated to have a relationship with her.

She's desperate to have a closer relationship with my children. I've said no, am I out of order?

Agree with PP, you hate your husband and perhaps yourself as you've suggested, so you're redirecting it all onto the sister.

I'd be furious and not want contact with her too to be fair, but to act like her guilt is equal to your DH's is a form of severe rationalisation. You want to redirect much of the hurt and blame from your DH onto someone you're not staying in the same house / marriage with. She's a safe and distant scapegoat for your shame, blame, etc.

You can’t really make much of a convincing argument of having not forgiven him when presumably you’re still sharing a home with him, possibly even sharing a bed/bedroom, engaging with him every day, laughing and carrying on with him… if the only thing you’re not doing is having sex with him then honestly, you have forgiven him.

At the point you can share your life (and possibly your bed) with the man who cheated on you, it’s ridiculous that you can’t be civil with her.

Also you talk about putting the children first, preventing them from having relationships with their family members is not putting them first, that’s using your kids out of spite to punish her, while sharing a home and their life with the man who ACTUALLY did you dirty.

He is the one to blame not her, and as they are his children he has a right to say who is in his children's life

One parent does not own children

You taken him back op he will do it again.

I guess I would put it this way: the fact is the sister chose your DH over you, and your DH chose another woman over you.

Both chose someone else over you, you were unwanted and spurned by both of them, but which one is more of a betrayal? Ask yourself that. I know I would rather my DH choose me than my SIL!

Yes, she did something wrong and betrayed you on a personal level, but she was never part of your marriage. It was always between you, DH and the other woman your DH chose. With or without her complicity, DH would still have chosen / choose the other woman over you.

This is such a weird dynamic. This set up as it is will likely do more damage to the children's happiness than seeing an aunt and building a nice relationship with her. I can understand your anger for the situation but your desire to control the children now and way into the future is worrying.

Sounds like you're staying with your husband to spite your sister in law.

OP can you explain how you are stuck in the relationship?

If you choose to forgive him and give him another chance, that is ok.
Lots of people choose to forgive and give their partner another chance.

But if you don’t want a relationship with him then you need to end things.

He is the one that had the affair and you had every right to kick him out and not accept him back.
You hold all of the cards right now.

As a PP said, I assume it’s for financial reasons.
But I’d rather being single and not have lots of money than have sex with someone who I don’t want to be in a relationship with.

I have morales and integrity which seems to be lacking in that family.

I think you need to revisit this .

How could you say you have morales and integrity when you've said that....

I'm not a forgiving person and I have not forgiven him. I just learned to accept my new reality and live with it the best I can.

This isn't my definition of having morales and integrity - remaining married to someone who you haven't forgiven for cheating .

Fair enough if you forgave him and decided to work on your marriage but stating that you haven't forgiven him yes choosing to remain him is lacking morales, sorry .

I credit integrity to those women who never forgave their cheating husbands and in a lot of cases , choose to end the marriage though the alternative was a more challenging and in some cases financially poorer life.

Yes you aren't reasonable to dislike your sil for her part in this however your biggest enemy is your husband who you choose to remain with even though you haven't forgiven him!

Op is he remorseful? Does he know how you feel? Has he found his root cause or does he talk about unmet needs? I am wondering if you can make your marriage better for you. Have you got to the bottom of his poor character traits? Is he capable of being a safe husband?

Also it's risible that the OP won't leave him because by the sound if it she'd be poor and have to support herself financially. She'd rather stay begrudgingly with a cheater than leave.

There is nothing more lacking in morals and integrity than that.

OP you are being unreasonable
It was your H that had the affair not his sister. Yet you are punishing her more than H or the OW
It doesn’t make sense.
I think therapy would help you as you haven’t moved on and are punishing SIL by proxy

There are two dynamics here. One with your DH you are choosing to try to move in with because of DC and your relationship, only you and him can properly understand. The second is your SIL who has also betrayed you. You don't have similar ties and can't forgive her. That's fine. You don't have to. Fuck her.

I would not facilitate my brothers affair, I would stay out if it or tell them it was a bad idea. So what your Sil did was evil, a different type of shitty from your husband’s but still shabby and anti-woman/mother too.

So sil can get stuffed

As for not so dh, I know it is not your question and I do not blame you for not forgiving even if staying with him. I would not forgive and I would have informed him that you yourself consider all bets are off and you yourself are free to have an affair or any other banned activities at any time and in secret and let him squirm every time you go out, plus I would wipe my arse in his toothbrush regularly

@Ballsbaill
Your situation is very different to OP's. By what you said, you didn't actively encourage and support your brother's infidelity. You didn't babysit his children so that he could go on "dates" or meet up and shag his mistress.

I would hope that at least one of my husband's siblings would care enough to tell me about the affair and let me some keep some small amount of agency over my life, but I recognize that would be hard to do. However, if they were actually HELPING him, I couldn't forgive him or them, either. I'm sure I wouldn't want them in contact with my kids, and I would never again willingly talk to those who knew and chose to keep me in the dark.

The worst of my anger would be directed at my husband, but there would be plenty left for his sibling(s) AND for the OW, if she knew. But then, I'm judgey & vengeful that way.

My loyalties certainly would not lie with my brother if I found out he was cheating on my SIL.

There is nothing wrong with the OPs "morales" at all, she isn't the cheat. It's not immoral to stay with someone that you have a grudge against. The pair of you are just being bitchy.

Sorry, @Ballsbaill . I got so caught up in my rant, I forgot it was your sister. 😩

I do see that they are 2 dynamics, and you can separately hate 2 people, but the problem is they're not separate in this case. To me at least, it sounds like the 2nd feeds into the 1st. She's using blame & hatred towards the SIL to feed her forgiveness and healing (or at least, coexistence in the same marriage with) towards her DH.

He is your husband. He had the affair. And it's his sister you hate. It wasn't her place to tell you. She is his sister, not yours.

You sound more angry with her than your husband

Im sorry but if you going to stay together and move forward you need to make peace with his sister also don’t weaponise your kids with her

There’s no point in trying to stay together and move forward if you can’t accept and draw a line under what’s happened dragging it up constantly is just like picking the scab of a wound it will never heal and always be there

@MsBuffyAnneSummers

I'm so sorry you've been treated so poorly. No one deserves this. But the level of hurt and anger you're still living with must be so hard.

If you're not happy with the decision you made to stay 6 years ago, you have the right to change your mind. Please don't let this continue to control your life. I completely understand not being able to forgive; you don't have to live like this forever.

No matter what you do, I really hope you find real peace and happiness soon.

You don't have to put any effort into facilitating a relationship between your kids and his sister, but nor can you stop him taking them to see her when he's got them.

this.