Family members who facilitate an affair

[MsBuffyAnneSummers]

Like many women, I'm stuck in a marriage with a husband who had an affair about 6 years ago.

I'm not a forgiving person and I have not forgiven him. I just learned to accept my new reality and live with it the best I can.

I made peace that even divorcing, I would still have to have a relationship with him so I made a choice to try again.

My issue is with his sister. During the affair she provided her brother with alibis when he was with the OW, while I was sitting at home with a baby and primary aged child. She lied to my face repeatedly and schemed behind my back on how they were going to cover up the affair so my FIL (who was my absolute rock when it all came out) wouldn't find out.

She is infertile and I believe she thought that a divorce would give her better access to my kids where she could play mum to her hearts content.

Since, it came out, I blocked her and have not spoken to her since. My husband takes the kids to my FIL's where his sister sees them once maybe every 6-8 weeks.

I refuse to be in the same room as her and I hate her with a fiery passion. 17 years I was a part of her family and she betrayed me completely but I'm not obligated to have a relationship with her.

She's desperate to have a closer relationship with my children. I've said no, am I out of order?

@Ballsbaill and @cherry2727

@MsBuffyAnneSummers

Buffy is not the one lacking in morals and integrity.

And where have you gotten the idea that Buffy is staying "because by the sound if it she'd be poor and have to support herself financially. She'd rather stay begrudgingly with a cheater than leave."?

OP has not mentioned this anywhere. Please stop misleading other readers with unsupported statements. It seems like something that his sister might do.

This is all your need to hear OP.

The great thing about a divorce is that while you still have to coparent with your ex you don't have to have anything to do with their wider family if you don't want to.

Staying with your cheating husband was a bad idea.

Having stay with a cheater for years , he swore he was sorry etc etc
i made my child my priority and wanted her to have her father in her life in a meaningful way
15 years on I wasted my best years and realise, now I’m finally rid of a cheating l liar ( I threw his arse out)
the damage caused by staying with a cheater
is huge , it does real lasting damage to children even if they have no knowledge of what’s gone on.
its no way to live, just sets kids an example of a shit relationship, even if day to day it’s looks ok as the years pass you see the real damage done
never stay for the sake of the kids , it’s not real, don’t teach them to accept shit just because you do

Keep her binned. Lying little toad.
Your husband you will always have to have in your life to some degree, but you owe her nothing.
Different story completely if she’d found out about his affair and been put in an impossible situation of deciding whether to tell you or not. But she was his actual ALIBI. She didn’t omit the truth, she enabled the sordid affair by misleading and gaslighting you. Now she wants to be closer to YOUR children?! Absolutely laughable. You’ve already given an inch by allowing her access every so often as you say, now she wants a mile. She can just get back in the sea really. Stand firm, OP. Life is too short for that level of toxic from actual nobodies who add zero value to your life and who you owe nothing.

Up to you if you forgive him or simply try to parent well with him

She can burn, she should have stayed out of it she clearly hates you because you don't do something like that to someone you remotely care about

same goes for your husband though

Id be furious and want nothing to do with her. However I think you’re transferring a lot of your anger towards her. What she did was terrible, but what your husband did was even worse. He lied to you and put her in a difficult position coercing her to lie to you as well.

Think what you like about her motives but she’s had a shit deal because of HIM. Either lose her brother and blow up his family or lie to you and be the villain.

He has abused you and her. You’re both his victims. You’re a fool for continuing with him and focussing on her.

@MsBuffyAnneSummers
I don't think you're out of order. She's not a good person and lacks morals to be able to do what she did.

My ex dh had an affair and supposedly ended it, I told my sil this, she then found out he'd actually continued the affair and didn't tell me for over 2 months. She watched me losing weight with stress, knew I was on sleeping pills and that I was convinced he was still seeing the ow. She still kept quiet. I sucked that up to not cause issues between his extended family and our children. However my children have distanced themselves from his family due to their shitty behaviour and their pretty much condoning and facilitating my ex in his affair.

Although I'm not with my ex due to his affair I get why you've stayed, especially with your children being very young. I would and do feel exactly as you do.

She didn't swear to be faithful to you. She showed her poor character. You can't trust her but you can't treat her like a SIL who honours your marriage.

Sounds like poor morals run in the family.

Personally I would never speak to her again, she didn't have your children's best interests at heart, only her brother and herself by the sounds of it, I bet she enjoyed the drama.

Never mind, the kids will grow up and start dealing with grown up conversations, maybe one day they may find out about what dad did and how his sister assisted in his poor behaviour. Op you did nothing wrong and I'm sure in years to come if the family is now settled, safe and finances in place for the best outcome of the kids, one day they may thank you, not all children are estatic about their parents divorcing and splitting up, regardless of MN folklore that everybody should seperate and find their true loves.

His SIL, made a stupid choice to get involved, she's now paying for that.
There should be no guilt on your part, you did nothing wrong.

It is your choice who you forgive and for what reasons.

I really think people are missing the point tbh. Just because OP is expressing her totally valid anger towards SIL, this doesn’t mean she isn’t angry at her husband. The difference being, presumably, her husband has shown remorse, and they want to work forward for the children. The children legally belong to the husband too.
OP is probably trying to work around things.

The SIL legally has no place in the children’s lives, so OP is well within her right to keep her away from her kids.

No advice but I love your username! 😂

I think you are being completely unreasonable.

Firstly - providing an alibi. This really depends. I'd be absolutely furious if my brother put me in this position, but asked directly I'd probably cover for him (and give him hell in secret). I'd bet 90% of people would be the same. My loyalty is to my brother ahead of his spouse.

Secondly - who owes what to whom. You seem very confused. On the one hand, you're still with your husband because he'll always be in your kids lives and you've had a long relationship. But at the same time you're refusing any relationship with your SIL despite the fact she'll always be in your kids lives and you've had a long relationship. This just does not make sense.

Thirdly - morals / integrity. I'm no fan of cheaters. But to stay in a relationship when you really don't like your husband and won't forgive him is pretty amoral imo. If you can't forgive him, end it for both your sakes.

Finally - your kids. Do you really think they'll thank you for staying in a loveless relationship? Is this really what you want to model to them as a healthy relationship?

Not out of order at all. She actively helped your husband to abuse you by lying and betraying your trust, and that affects the kids. She will take any opportunity to put you down and compete. I would t trust her around your kids. Your husband using his sister to cover up is quite disturbing also. He will get his family in. Unfortunately also means he will get his sister involved if you split up too. It’s not a great situation for you - but use your instincts and keep toxic members of his family well away.

Maybe get some. Counselling or space for yourself to work out what to do about your cheating husband. You deserve better.

@JemimaTiggywinkles I think I pretty much strongly disagree with every word. You’ve somehow made the OP into the aggressor! When it’s so clear she’s been betrayed and is the victim. I’d never ever cover up if my brothers cheated. I would be horrified and tell him straight. I’d tell his wife too.

Wise words

Oh op, that is no way to live! I really feel for you.

YANBU to cut your SIL off from your DC. She rolled the dice and lost. She was hoping to be more involved with her DB and her DNs and it backfired. Not a shred of sympathy for her.

Your hopefully one day ex, he also made his bed.

Please focus on making sure that when the time comes and you feel your DC are old enough for you to leave your 'H' (no point in the D here.....) that you are in a decent position financially. I'm hoping it's soon as you said this was 6 years ago?

A hundred times this.

Sorry but it's your husband that really deserves your fury. Displacing onto his sister might make you feel a bit more stable but doesn't resolve anything in the long run.

Why are women always held responsible for men's transgressions?

@Greenberg2 why is a woman, the SIL, actively enabling a man to abuse his wife with an affair?

And then wanting to be treated like nice auntie to the kids, who she has helped to shatter their family unit?

Some female solidarity there!

Of course it’s the husband who has also done massive wrong. But the OP can feel cross and deal with her feelings for both of them in her time and her own way. SIL is a threat as this means if OP does one day divorce her SIL would be happy to put down their mum and influence the kids. So it’s put a real barrier there for OP to make that decision to divorce.

I think I'd feel pretty much as you do, OP.

Despite what's happened, you have decided to stay with your husband so, obviously, have had to make a go of things with him (which must be bloody difficult).

However, you don't owe her anything.

It's entirely up to you how you feel and what you do.

Perhaps because she's his sister. Maybe he's manipulated her. Maybe she has misplaced loyalty.

I'm not saying she's been a beacon of support for the sisterhood. But what I am saying is that the fury the OP feels is disproportionately placed on the sister rather than where it should lie: with the cheating husband.

People like you who blame others like the OW or the family members always say of course he did wrong, but...as if there is a but. There's no but. He hasn't also done wrong but, rather he's the one that has massively and comprehensively betrayed the OP. And yet he's the one the OP is laughing with and living with and she's the one both of you are vilifying.

And it's ridiculous to say that the sister is a barrier for their divorce. She told some lies but she's not Lady Macbeth.

Okay for you @Greenberg2 I said but - because I was responding to you. It would work just as well -
Of course it’s the husband who has done massive wrong. And the SIL who has done wrong. The OP can feel cross and deal with her feelings for both of them in her time and her own way.

No for me it’s not just the husband who’s done wrong and women like the SIL are helpless innocents who may just be acting under influence. The SIL was an active part of the betrayal, and now still wants access to the kids to be an auntie.

If this was a female colleague at work who covered up for him, I think it would be annoying but less of an ongoing future threat. As SIL seems to want to be actively involved with the OPs kids. Sometimes in toxic families if abusive men - the family members and women do seem to work with the husband enable the abuse of the wife whether through cheating or otherwise. And seem to be quite dominant around their need to be involved with the kids.

Your sister had an affair and you told her it was wrong, but did you actively help her cheat by lying for her? If not, then it's different to the OP's situation, and the OP is perfectly justified in being angry with both her DH and her SIL.

Yes, agreed. @Ballsbaill doesn't sound like you condoned the affair whereas this SIL did and lied too to cover it up. Morally dubious. OP's husband sounds pretty vile too but he's the one OP is married to.
OP husband can facilitate the relationship with the aunt. Nothing to do with OP. SIL has burnt her bridges.

Has your SIL apologised to you?
I would never trust her again unless she made real ammends.

I would not allow her to take charge of my children.
She could see them at family gatherings (including weddings) and when your husband is there.
When they are adults they will make up their own minds.

What a terrible brother your husband was to her. He expected her to lie for his dirty deeds!!