the shock of the other side

[ultimateorange]

Got a slightly 'different' problem. I am a bloke, late 30s, happily married with young children, me and my wife are both doing very well career wise and had a great 50/50 going until last year when the younger went to school.

I have never been in good shape. I have never been obese either, just average with no muscle tone and just bland. I decided to change this up last year - nothing extreme but I started eating better, running more and doing lots of strength work. Basically anything that could be done at home or in short time frames (didn't want to lumber wife with children for too long whilst I swanned off)

18 months later and I am in good shape! Muscular but not to an extreme, lean and with much better CV. Clothes fit me better, my jawline has gone from soft to chisel and I am extremely happy and proud with my results.

Before the next bit, it's worth mentioning I have been with my wife a long time and only ever been with one other woman.

I am getting a lot of attention, particularly at work. I wish I could say I was all suave about it, but I get embarrassed and clam up. This attention from a couple of the women at work has now crossed to a point where even I have picked up on it and on one occasion I was directly propositioned.

I admit it's very flattering and tempting, but I could never cheat. My issue is what do I do? I can't tell my wife, it will introduce loads of stress for her every time I go into the office. The attention hasnt crossed into HR territory (other than the proposition). Is there an way to navigate this - my goal is a hassle free life here, so anything that quiets it all down with no fuss is ideal.

Smile and subtly show your ring. Flattery can be embarrassing but just laugh along. Drop your happy marriage into the convo regularly. They will soon take the hint. Good to see a faithful man!

And this, dear children, is a humble brag 😀

🙄🙄

Tell them directly. I'm not interested, thanks and I'm happily married. If they are making you feel uncomfortable why worry about telling them straight? I assume you went to HR when they propositioned you?

Just say 'No thanks. I'm happily married.' It's that simple.

The people doing that would go right down in my estimation. Shallow, focused on looks.

Put your wedding ring on, photo of you, your wife and children as phone wallpaper, framed pic of wife of desk, chat about wife and family, talk about stuff your wife is doing and how proud you are of her.

Oh I am proud of my new physique, I earned it and intend to keep it! The attention is not a brag though, it's just not me. If it makes you feel better I love model trains and wargaming. If they wanted a game of Hail Caesar, then it would be great but it's just awkward

It is unbelievable isn't it. Yanbu.
My weight fluctuates - sometimes I'm 8 stone and can't go 4 yards without a bloke looking me up and down, and sometimes I'm 9 stone and invisible. I agree with you that the difference is a shock. Nothing you can do about it.

Smile sweetly and say thanks for the compliment but I'm married. Talk about your wife and children a lot. Have a framed photo of your wife on your desk. It really isn't difficult. The majority of women wouldn't go after a married man, no matter how chiselled his jaw.

For Gods sake...STFU Not all men are like yours luv

My man is not posting about his chiselled jaw on mumsnet. Does yours, LUV?

Can you get your head out the door OP?

Don't be so fucking rude. If this was a woman posting about losing weight and navigating unwanted attention then your reply would be very different.

Op I would second the above. Photos of your wife and jokily flashing your wedding ring. Keep it lighthearted while shutting any flirtation down

@PierceMorgansChin Clearly not chiselled eh?

report my post then

Don't tell other people what to post. You're not gatekeeper here. And your suggestion of 'jokingly flashing his wedding ring' is lame as fuck

The ones that are a bit more subtle I think I'd just be like 'oh Jane and I loved going to the cinema, but since little Mike and Becca came along it's all kids movies'

Mention of a restaurant - 'Jane and I were actually thinking of going to that restaurant, if you go there before us let me know what you think'

The one that our right propositioned you, I probably also would have gone beetroot. But in hindsight would say something like 'I am a very happily married man' and walk away. Don't say you're flattered etc, that might make them think there is a chance.

Shut it down basically! Well done on getting in better shape, it sounds like you did it for you which is the best reason to do it.

I know exactly what you mean. I grew up fat, lost a huge amount of weight in my early 20s, and the difference in the way people treated me was shocking. Over lockdown I gained weight and never really got a grip on it again, and the attention has stopped. It's actually better without the attention, but I need to sort the weight out, for sure!

Well done @ultimateorange ! Hope you can keep your new bod! That's the hardest part. Obviously you need to tell these women - if they DO continue to try anything, that you're spoken for. Do you think you may be flirting a tiny bit though? Your new found confidence may be making you flirt - even if not deliberately.

It's really not that hard to just say 'no thanks! I'm married!' I have done it plenty of times when men have tried their luck. (And so have many other women!) Sometimes though, that doesn't stop them as some men don't like being told no! Then you have to get arsey! I am sure some women are the same, but I'm not. I have always seen married men as untouchable. I'd never have done that to another woman.

Well done! I'm sure you will lose the weight again!

As others have said a simple but firm - no thanks, not interested.

The magic words are “This makes me uncomfortable - please don’t do/say that”.
Then change the subject.

I think some of the women propositioning op at work must be on this thread, going by their extreme reactions to some pretty mild responses from pp! Saying a post is a ‘humble brag’ is very mn, and not particularly insulting, in case anyone doesn’t know!

Or if you have an issue with telling them, even subtly, grey rock them.
Just change tte subject of conversation, act as they had never put a hint. Stay professional always.

I think you need to ask yourself if the fact you find that attention/proposition flattering isn’t somehow coming through. I’m talking body language and so on and in an unconscious way there.
But be honest, if a man made me a proposition like that, my reaction would be Yuck! Not being flattered iyswim. So I’m wondering if those women aren’t picking that on.
OR they interpret you claming up totally the wrong way! In which case, you absolutely need to be more upfront!

Personally I would report them ! You say it hasn’t got to HR level yet but if this was a male propositioning a female it would be classed as harassment, if you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed it’s harassment! It’s unwanted attention