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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trans people and loved ones

127 replies

AlphaTransWoman · 04/11/2023 16:37

I feel this is one of the most difficult topics of all around gender transition, but for this very reason, it's one that has to be addressed. Apologies if this is on the wrong board, but I think it fits best here given the frequent discussions around trans issues that take place here.

I've been reading the excellent Trans Widows Voices website recommended on another thread, and I found many of the stories there heart-breaking. Transition can have a devastating effect on relationships, both between partners and close family members such as parents and children. One would be foolish to deny that.

Sometimes, however, transition is unavoidable where it is essential for an individual's mental wellbeing and their ability to function at all - whether in a relationship or in wider society.

The question then is how to mitigate the damage. What can transitioners and their loved ones do to preserve relationships if that is better for all involved, or end them amicably if not? My immediate thought is that good communication, understanding each other's boundaries and supporting each other are key, though I'm not entirely sure how these could work in practice.

The question is simply whether there is a helpful discussion we can have here about how the situation can be better managed? I'm not sure but I hope there is.

Please note that for reasons of privacy I won't be able to answer personal questions on this subject, and would hope any discussion on this issue is in general rather than specific terms. I hope you understand my reasons for this.

OP posts:
FreddysSquishyBollock · 04/11/2023 17:01

All relationships are different and specific.

it’s not possible to have a generalised conversation.

NugatoryMatters · 04/11/2023 17:02

FreddysSquishyBollock · 04/11/2023 17:01

All relationships are different and specific.

it’s not possible to have a generalised conversation.

Exactly.

Nellodee · 04/11/2023 17:35

Not posting on transwidows thread is a good start. Noticing that no one who isn’t a transwidows ever posts on those threads. Leaving transwidows completely alone. Not starting new threads because you’ve weren’t allowed to make their thread all about you. Are they the kind of suggestions you’re after?

Nellodee · 04/11/2023 17:36

I actually made a bet with myself after reading your past their a few hours ago that you would start a new thread.

Nellodee · 04/11/2023 17:37

*post there

MrsOvertonsWindow · 04/11/2023 17:37

Maybe ask for this to be moved to Dadsnet? Or relationships? Feminists aren't your target audience for this discussion.

WomaninBoots · 04/11/2023 17:52

It helps relationships generally if one partner isn't a narcissistic prick I think.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 04/11/2023 18:12

Have you tried reddit op?

TinselAngel · 04/11/2023 18:14

AlphaTransWoman · 04/11/2023 16:37

I feel this is one of the most difficult topics of all around gender transition, but for this very reason, it's one that has to be addressed. Apologies if this is on the wrong board, but I think it fits best here given the frequent discussions around trans issues that take place here.

I've been reading the excellent Trans Widows Voices website recommended on another thread, and I found many of the stories there heart-breaking. Transition can have a devastating effect on relationships, both between partners and close family members such as parents and children. One would be foolish to deny that.

Sometimes, however, transition is unavoidable where it is essential for an individual's mental wellbeing and their ability to function at all - whether in a relationship or in wider society.

The question then is how to mitigate the damage. What can transitioners and their loved ones do to preserve relationships if that is better for all involved, or end them amicably if not? My immediate thought is that good communication, understanding each other's boundaries and supporting each other are key, though I'm not entirely sure how these could work in practice.

The question is simply whether there is a helpful discussion we can have here about how the situation can be better managed? I'm not sure but I hope there is.

Please note that for reasons of privacy I won't be able to answer personal questions on this subject, and would hope any discussion on this issue is in general rather than specific terms. I hope you understand my reasons for this.

So because I've told you to fuck off our thread you've decided to start your own thread to pontificate about us? How predictable.

TinselAngel · 04/11/2023 18:21

My good friend Lang always says to judge a man by how he deals with being said no to, and to have nothing to do with the ones who try and wheedle a "no" into being a "yes".

AlphaTransWoman · 04/11/2023 18:30

@TinselAngel
Apologies, I was unaware there was a house rule against trans people offering advice and support to people experiencing difficulties in relationships with trans people. I won't trouble your thread again.

I do want to call out your use of the term "perpetrator" though. Does this mean you consider being trans to be some sort of crime, or at least a deliberate harmful act? If so, I'm curious as to why you would feel that way.

Have you considered things from the perspective of a gender dysphoric person unable to cope without transitioning? If you did, would you feel any differently?

OP posts:
TinselAngel · 04/11/2023 18:37

AlphaTransWoman · 04/11/2023 18:30

@TinselAngel
Apologies, I was unaware there was a house rule against trans people offering advice and support to people experiencing difficulties in relationships with trans people. I won't trouble your thread again.

I do want to call out your use of the term "perpetrator" though. Does this mean you consider being trans to be some sort of crime, or at least a deliberate harmful act? If so, I'm curious as to why you would feel that way.

Have you considered things from the perspective of a gender dysphoric person unable to cope without transitioning? If you did, would you feel any differently?

Nice try at another boundary incursion. No I won't be debating with you.

fedupandstuck · 04/11/2023 18:47

@AlphaTransWoman Maaaate. Read the room, read and engage with the many threads and you would not ask questions like that.

ApocalipstickNow · 04/11/2023 18:47

Mate.

There’s a whole internet out there for you, take it elsewhere.

If anyone can see you very, very clearly it’s the women on the trans widows threads.

ApocalipstickNow · 04/11/2023 18:48

fedupandstuck · 04/11/2023 18:47

@AlphaTransWoman Maaaate. Read the room, read and engage with the many threads and you would not ask questions like that.

Cross post- I actually deleted the words “read the room” from mine because I think Alpha has read the room quite accurately.

AlphaTransWoman · 04/11/2023 18:48

@TinselAngel

I'm genuinely disappointed as I thought we might be able to get a better understanding of each other's position and identify potential common ground.

OP posts:
Karensalright · 04/11/2023 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

fedupandstuck · 04/11/2023 18:57

@AlphaTransWoman you're not listening. Tinsel is not debating, the other thread is a support thread. Those posters on that thread are not going to debate their lives.

Woman2023 · 04/11/2023 18:57

AlphaTransWoman · 04/11/2023 18:48

@TinselAngel

I'm genuinely disappointed as I thought we might be able to get a better understanding of each other's position and identify potential common ground.

Oh dear, never mind eh? I'm sure you'll get over it.

ResisterRex · 04/11/2023 18:58

AlphaTransWoman · 04/11/2023 18:48

@TinselAngel

I'm genuinely disappointed as I thought we might be able to get a better understanding of each other's position and identify potential common ground.

Tinsel owes you nothing. Mate.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 04/11/2023 18:58

My good friend Lang always says to judge a man by how he deals with being said no to, and to have nothing to do with the ones who try and wheedle a "no" into being a "yes".

Miss Lang. Always right on the money as usual.

TinselAngel · 04/11/2023 19:00

AlphaTransWoman · 04/11/2023 18:48

@TinselAngel

I'm genuinely disappointed as I thought we might be able to get a better understanding of each other's position and identify potential common ground.

Watch my lips. N.O.

"Disappointment" is another attempt to weedle around the word "no".

toomanytrees · 04/11/2023 19:03

I guess some posters have come to the realization that calling us bigots, nazis, right wing, tory fundamentalists no longer works. Exhorting us to be kind no longer works. So now the strategy is to try a softly softly approach to gain women's sympathy. This can involve asking for fashion and relationship advice, all under the guise of "look how reasonable I am."

Tinsel Angel's threads are a testament to the utter devastation transition does to the family. It is utterly beyond me how anyone can read them and still think the damage can be mitigated.

TinselAngel · 04/11/2023 19:06

Alpha is not the first to try hand wringing, faux sympathy and "not like the other girls" with a dash of "both sides" to get through our boundaries.

It's not even an original approach.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 04/11/2023 19:07

Isn't this a TAAT anyway?