I can't bear how boring DP is

[Boringpartner]

There's a comedy gig coming up id love to go to - nope, seen them 15 years ago so no point, were too old to do that now (45 and im 41)

I'm going out 3 times this month with various friends for meals etc - why do I want to go out so much why can't I be happy at home

I'm staying over at one of these friends houses with the other ladies because it's just easier and will be fun - why am I doing that, why do I need to stay out, why can't I just come home, who else is going out

On the very rare occasion I'm out late I get messages "where are you I'm worried" so I can't enjoy letting my hair down

Food - all has to be bland and is the same thing constantly (some variation of beef, think mince and potatoes). If I cook something nice for me and DC I get remarks like "that doesn't look very nice". If I say "just try it its lovely" I get "nah I'm not into peppers/chicken/ flavour"

Won't eat anything from the freezer or microwave because it's not good enough so food costs a fortune

We haven't been out as a couple in years, although nowadays I don't particularly want to

If we do go out for a meal he has to invite his mum because "she doesn't get to go out much" And of course it has to be somewhere bland

Every time I say "shall we go to XYZ" it's "ill see if mum wants to come"

I'm drained. I'm bored of life.

He still hounds me for sex though when tbh I'm just not into it anymore and its just maintenance sex.

I don't even think he's depressed I genuinely think he's just turned into a misery. He wouldn't seek help anyway, I was apparently "dramatic" when I had to go on ADs a few years ago.

I actually think he's maybe bored of me and we're just staying together because of the kids, and it's convenient for him as I earn x2 what he does.

That feels good to get off my chest!!

You say you think maybe he’s bored and staying for the kids… is that not why you are staying? Are the kids benefitting from it?

LTB

Sounds extremely tedious. If you’re not feeling happy or getting your needs met and if there’s no way he’ll change his ways I’d be seriously considering my future and being happier on my own with the kids.

I think it’s normal to get bored with one person. It’s great you have different groups of friends to go out with - many of us don’t!
Does he suck the joy out of life for you?
If he does I’d imagine meeting another man is the last thing you’d want?
Is it better to stay and have a somewhat independent life with an on-site parent or leave and be more curtailed with childminding?

He sounds awful. Split up?

That's what I mean I think we're both just bored. I know he struggles with understanding why I still like going out and doing fun things. If I say I'm going out on a work night out I'll get shitty comments like "can't understand why you go out with work I couldn't think of anything worse"

Everything I say its "I don't know why you......."....just negative about everything 😔

Kids are fine they think everything's OK.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

Staying for the sake of the children is a statement that often does not stand up to close scrutiny. Whose sake are you staying for really; its not theirs and its certainly not your own. What relationship lessons does this impart to your kids; damaging ones that is what. Surely you would want better for them as well as yourself here?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser (and his attendant mother)?. What is the situation re the finances and property?. It appears you are not married to this man so there will be no divorce.

Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, your man is in those pages.
He wants to control your access to the outside world and such controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. He would rather you stay at home so he can keep his beady eye on you as well as keeping you in a cage of his own paranoid making (he really does think that you will cheat on him if you go out).

"Kids are fine they think everything's OK."

You would like to think this of them but they are not daft and know far more than you or he care to realise. They perhaps wonder why you're still putting this man front and centre still in your life. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; did you see controlling behaviour between your parents?.

You’re really young. You’ve got half of your life still to go, you could be having fun without him being a misery at home. You could meet someone you could have fun with too (if you wanted to) I’m generally a keep trying person but honestly what you getting out of this relationship?

Yes! Sucks the joy out of life that's a perfect description.

Kids are a bit older so don't really need childminding as such, and my mum and dad would help.

I know what I need to do I just can't bring myself to break the family up. Maybe that's not a bad idea, just carry on doing my thing 😔

So it's convenient for him as I earn x2 what he does and he sucks the joy out of life...

Come on, do you really want another 30 odd years of this? You know it's only going to get worse!

What an example to set his kids. We used to have so much fun with ours - these are years you never get back.

A better life is out there, waiting for you and your kids.

"I know what I need to do I just can't bring myself to break the family up. Maybe that's not a bad idea, just carry on doing my thing 😔"

But you're not really allowed to carry on doing your thing because he will "punish" you further for doing so by moaning both before and afterwards or contacting you incessantly so you get the message. He deliberately tries to stop you from going out at all because in his paranoid head he thinks you are going to cheat on him.

Your relationship is broken beyond repair. Better to be from a so called broken home too than to remain in one. His abusive behaviour is likely to be the reason why you were given anti depressants.

Be brave and make the break sooner rather than later. He is abusing you by controlling you in such a manner and he has as well likely done this from the early days of your relationship too.

Your children need to see a far healthier relationship model than the one that is being imparted to them. This current model is not fit for purpose.

I know what I need to do I just can't bring myself to break the family up. Maybe that's not a bad idea, just carry on doing my thing

If you do stay, start putting away money in your name only for the future/when the time is right to go. Knowing you have the financial means to go will benefit you mentally and practically.

If you do stick with him, can you remember what you used like about him? Or are the years turning him into his parents - something you could have never foreseen?

Well I think you need to have a proper honest sit down.

Ask your parents to have the kids for you and then say what you've said here, that you find him negative and you want more from him/life, that youre finding him a bit boring and that youre not happy with his mjm coming everywhere. If he doesn't want to go out, at the VERY LEAST, he shouldn't be making negative comments when you do.

How would he react to that? Would it cause a row? Or might he be willing to change?

I suspect there are very few decent 40 odd year old men available who would be good "new" partners, so this would also factor into my thinking around this. You may have to go it alone if you leave. But I think you should have a chat first.

Did this man move into your home?.

AttilaTheMeerkat that’s good advice.

At 45 you are barely middle aged! I think this RL has run its course! Many 40 year olds are old before their time.I think he sounds like someones Grandad than a 40 something! If you want to stay together then you need to talk to him and tell him this is no life for you! Maybe Marriage Counselling would help? His Mum can babysit while you two go out for Supper? Long term do you still want to be stuck like this until you are 50 or 60 plus?

Such men though are not up for a come to Jesus type chat; in his head his rule is law. He knows what he is doing and he does not give a fig about his partner, a women who he purports to love. Controlling behaviour is insidious too in its onset and I would think the OP has had her boundaries tested throughout by him.

God I hate seeing this. As one of the kids in this situation, stop using us as an excuse because you're scared.

Your kids know you're not happy, or if they're too young to, they will soon. They're kids, not stupid.

My Mum's died young, and I hate holding the guilt that she stayed in a marriage with someone who made her miserable for a third of her life "for me".

I already knew my Dad was a grumpy twat, I'd have much rather have had one parent who was happy.

@AttilaTheMeerkat how do you know he's not up for a chat about it?!

Have you tried this already OP?

"(he really does think that you will cheat on him if you go out)."

I think you're right tbh.

I suspect there are very few decent 40 odd year old men available who would be good "new" partners, so this would also factor into my thinking around this. You may have to go it alone if you leave

This really shouldn't be a factor in deciding whether to leave a miserable relationship. Unless we all want to lie on our deathbeds thinking 'Well, I'm glad I stayed miserable because there wasn't anything better'. I'd rather be thinking 'I tried everything I could to find happiness for myself and my loved ones'

OP, don't stay together for the kids. They will replicate whatever you show them, when they grow up. Unless you want them to do what you're doing (stay in a crap, unfulfilling relationship), do something different: demonstrate to them that if you're not happy in a relationship, you can respectfully leave, and find a way to do it that works practically, and isn't impossibly difficult. That would be a massively useful lesson for them.

My dad was a bit of a dick yea. He got better as he got older whereas DP is doing the opposite

I think you're demonstrating the way this passes down the generations, here, if your dad was a dick. If your mum had left him, you'd more likely have left your partner long ago.

I don't even think he's depressed I genuinely think he's just turned into a misery. He wouldn't seek help anyway, I was apparently "dramatic" when I had to go on ADs a few years ago".

He has further ramped up the power and control here re you over time.

See second sentence of OPs above re he would not seek help anyway, that to my mind would also include counselling. Abusive men do not respond well if at all to counselling sessions and in his paranoid head he feels that he is not treating the OP at all wrongly. Abuse is NOT a relationship issue.