I can't bear how boring DP is

[Boringpartner]

There's a comedy gig coming up id love to go to - nope, seen them 15 years ago so no point, were too old to do that now (45 and im 41)

I'm going out 3 times this month with various friends for meals etc - why do I want to go out so much why can't I be happy at home

I'm staying over at one of these friends houses with the other ladies because it's just easier and will be fun - why am I doing that, why do I need to stay out, why can't I just come home, who else is going out

On the very rare occasion I'm out late I get messages "where are you I'm worried" so I can't enjoy letting my hair down

Food - all has to be bland and is the same thing constantly (some variation of beef, think mince and potatoes). If I cook something nice for me and DC I get remarks like "that doesn't look very nice". If I say "just try it its lovely" I get "nah I'm not into peppers/chicken/ flavour"

Won't eat anything from the freezer or microwave because it's not good enough so food costs a fortune

We haven't been out as a couple in years, although nowadays I don't particularly want to

If we do go out for a meal he has to invite his mum because "she doesn't get to go out much" And of course it has to be somewhere bland

Every time I say "shall we go to XYZ" it's "ill see if mum wants to come"

I'm drained. I'm bored of life.

He still hounds me for sex though when tbh I'm just not into it anymore and its just maintenance sex.

I don't even think he's depressed I genuinely think he's just turned into a misery. He wouldn't seek help anyway, I was apparently "dramatic" when I had to go on ADs a few years ago.

I actually think he's maybe bored of me and we're just staying together because of the kids, and it's convenient for him as I earn x2 what he does.

That feels good to get off my chest!!

Bancroft argues that because abusers are rational actors and fully in control of their behaviour, their decision to be abusive demonstrates a deep selfishness and lack of empathy. An abuser is indifferent to or actively contemptuous of his partner’s happiness and safety, approaching their relationship not as a meeting of equals or a site of compromise, but rather as a power struggle that he intends to win. He believes that his feelings, opinions, and desires should always be put first and that his partner’s role is to satisfy him.

Hence your man hounding you for sex all the bloody time.

An utter and total misery and moaner who will only get worse. COAB.

Quite a few men are like this btw!

Don’t throw any more “good after bad”.

Get yourself free 🏝️

OP, you are literally wasting your life. When was the last time you did something tantalising and exciting? Or danced together or felt close intimately?

I'm 60 and I still crave those things. You could stay for a few years I suppose, until your dc leave school but after that, surely you want more?

"How can you be helped into leaving this man?."

Tbh if I could buy him out I think that would give me more of a push. I love my little home. I will start to look at my options I think.

Or shove my dad down the stairs so mum can sell up and move in here 😬

And such a negative, unappealing character “hounding” you for sex too. Another level of grim.

Why are you staying with him and having duty sex? It’s a tragic way to live your life.

You aren’t married, so just sell the house and go your separate ways.

You’re 41 and mortgage free and you earn twice a much as him. I know rates are high currently but I’m sure you could get a 24 year mortgage on 50% ltv. He’s doing nothing for you at all so there is nothing to stop you asking him to go to his mother’s and then living your life for yourself and your dc. He might not even mind, as his life is so small it won’t really change. But you would have a whole new life. Maybe talk to some supportive friends irl or a counsellor if it is not as clear to you as it is to an outsider. Good luck 😊

@Boringpartner

Think about the mental energy it takes to share a life with someone who is not only boring, grumpy and miserable but is also a sex pest "hounding" you for "maintenance sex". Urghh!!

If the house is now mortgage free - and I'm assuming you are on the deeds - why are you unable to sell it and use the equity to buy something for yourself and the children?

Something needs to be done, initiated by you, as he won't, or you'll have to hear this for the next few decades into retirement...

Please don't just accept that you can't buy him out - speak to a family law solicitor (don't tell him) and find out your rights. Sounds like you are in a good position, with a job which pays twice what he earns and there's no mortgage. Knowledge is power - time to check how much better your life could be without him either boring or controlling you.

He could also go and live with his mother(?) so he wouldn't need to worry about her so much... 🌹

Boring partner
re your comment
"We've had rows before, last one was when I asked for a favour (go to a thing at secondary school) because I had Noro and he refused. I told him then I'd had enough and that was it, he went, came back, apologised, he'd change etc, I accepted....then regretted it. The usual fucking story"

Arguments with an abuser generally only occur on his terms. He reserves the right to start or shut down any conversation at any time by walking away, making threats, or verbally and emotionally overwhelming his partner. Even in more relaxed conversations, abusers believe that they are always right and will become frustrated or angry at disagreement or their partner’s attempts to assert her own point of view, especially if this disagreement has an audience.

What you are describing in your comment is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is also a continuous one. You will remain stuck in this cycle as long as you remain with this individual. You have a choice re this man and your children do not.

I probably go out 3 times a week so 3 a month isn't excessive.

Couldn't live with someone like your DH though - feels like he's a bore to me. Money might have something to do with it - my earning capacity was about 3x that of my ex and wondered if it persisted as long as it did because of that.

Get rid of this fool. I was riding motorbikes across Europe at his age and going to festivals and events every other weekend amongst numerous other things.
I'd have been bored shitless with a man like this.

Stop the sex. He might be keener to split.

And freeze and eat the food you want to. Cook the food you want to. Let him cook his beige stuff.

I hate the idea that just because they have different interests and like different food her DP is getting called boring. The stuff OP does would bore me, everyone is different (introverts, extroverts etc) but he does sound controlling. I'm not sure there's a solution here other than to end the relationship.

Choice 1
go right now, take him into another room away from kids and say sorry but this isn’t working and I want to separate.

you can literally do this right now. Today. (Unless he’s a count with money in which case get everything sorted then do it)

Choice 2:
go out and cheat on him. Start living your life as if you have no loyalty to him.

Choice 3:
stay sadly married to him as he makes you feel embarrassed for wanting to have some fun.

this is not age. This is him. I know plenty of men 40/50/69/70/80 who run/travel/play gigs/go to gigs/go to events etc. He’s drowning in boringness and he’s going to grab you by the ankle and drag you down with him if you don’t escape.

boooo to boredom!

Say no to the sex. Tell him not on a school night, or it's Lent or something stupid.

Don't shove Dad down stairs, DH would be a much better candidate 🤔Failing that, pack a bag and send him on a permenant visit to his mother's. I feel they would be happy together.

How do you know the stuff OP likes doing is boring? All we know is she goes out for meals with friends and suggested she and DH went to a comedy gig. Is going out with friends boring now? Is going to a gig boring? Her DH has no interests, no friends, he eats the same bland food. He has no interest in doing anything for fun. Not wanting to try new things - foods/experiences etc - is pretty much the definition of boring.

OP you're wasting precious years on this dementor. You're so young and you should be out there enjoying life, so I'm glad you have friends to do fun stuff with. Speak to a mortgage advisor to see if you can raise a mortgage and buy him out of your house. And stop having sex that you don't want - that's really grim, and it's rewarding his awful behaviour.

@Boringpartner

That all just sounds like such a drag. Not just figuratively, but a literal 'drag' on your spirit.

So it sounds as if you have a choice; leave now and probably have to sell the house or hang in there emotionally divorce him, live a separate life, and hope your financial situation improves without having to wait for your parents to shuffle off this mortal coil.

What I'd do is see a solicitor to discuss how a buy out would work and what your options would be if he refused.

I know you love your house, but remember that in the end a house is just 'bricks and sticks'. You take your 'home' with you wherever you go.

What I would do is pull all your joint financial info, and go and see a solicitor. They will tell you what the split would be, and from there you can decide if you can buy him out or not.

It’s no way to live OP, and it’s not necessary from your kids POV - they’ll be fine regardless. (And while they may not realise you have a dead marriage now, they will by early teens, and it’s not a great family model).

Get yourself a mortgage broker and see what is available to you and he can go and live with his mum and eat what he likes.

If you’re not happy with your life, think about how you can change it. If you really can’t change it, change your attitude to it. Would you like him out of your life except as a co parent? Or are you hoping you can reconnect? Would you be content with the status quo apart from the odd vent as it’s too difficult to split the family? Your answer will determine the way forward. Fwiw, I split from my husband in my early 40s and was on my own for a few years. Then I met my now husband- we’ve been together 15 years and he adores me and wants the best for me-as I do him. There are nice men out there-but is breaking from your husband what you want?

He's a DP not a DH so hopefully he has no right to any of your house, unless it's a joint mortgage.

Every time I say "shall we go to XYZ" it's "ill see if mum wants to come

Fuck no. He's already married to him mum I'm afraid.

Everything I say its "I don't know why you......."....just negative about everything 😔

This is disdain and low level for contempt for who you are as a person. He thinks by putting you down like that, chipping away at your self-confidence and self esteem that he can control your behaviour......and it sounds like he doesn't want you to go out much at all.

I'm sorry OP. No wonder you feel sad about this. He deflates you and this would make a lot of women feel low about themselves.

He still hounds me for sex though when tbh I'm just not into it anymore and its just maintenance sex

He's not bored of you OP. He wants you to stay at home so you're conveniently available as a sex doll for him. Stop having sex with him.

If we do go out for a meal he has to invite his mum because "she doesn't get to go out much" And of course it has to be somewhere bland

Every time I say "shall we go to XYZ" it's "ill see if mum wants to come"

Do you let him bring his mum? If so - why are you allowing this? Put your foot down and suggest if he’s that bothered about his mum “not getting out” he arranges to take her out for a lovely mother-son day out.

Say that you don't get to go out much as a couple and it’s important you do - without in-laws.

Really from what you’ve said the only thing he seems to enjoy doing with just you there is having sex, which is especially grim considering he can see you’re not into it

'Staying for the kids' is such a damaging thing. It may, possibly, be temporarily worse whilst the transition happens. Possibly not. It will, certainly, be shit for them as adults to have not been modelled a good relationship, to not have a clue what one is, and thus to make terrible decisions resulting in YEARS of misery, like yours. Staying is just kicking your kids misery can down the road.