I can't bear how boring DP is

[Boringpartner]

There's a comedy gig coming up id love to go to - nope, seen them 15 years ago so no point, were too old to do that now (45 and im 41)

I'm going out 3 times this month with various friends for meals etc - why do I want to go out so much why can't I be happy at home

I'm staying over at one of these friends houses with the other ladies because it's just easier and will be fun - why am I doing that, why do I need to stay out, why can't I just come home, who else is going out

On the very rare occasion I'm out late I get messages "where are you I'm worried" so I can't enjoy letting my hair down

Food - all has to be bland and is the same thing constantly (some variation of beef, think mince and potatoes). If I cook something nice for me and DC I get remarks like "that doesn't look very nice". If I say "just try it its lovely" I get "nah I'm not into peppers/chicken/ flavour"

Won't eat anything from the freezer or microwave because it's not good enough so food costs a fortune

We haven't been out as a couple in years, although nowadays I don't particularly want to

If we do go out for a meal he has to invite his mum because "she doesn't get to go out much" And of course it has to be somewhere bland

Every time I say "shall we go to XYZ" it's "ill see if mum wants to come"

I'm drained. I'm bored of life.

He still hounds me for sex though when tbh I'm just not into it anymore and its just maintenance sex.

I don't even think he's depressed I genuinely think he's just turned into a misery. He wouldn't seek help anyway, I was apparently "dramatic" when I had to go on ADs a few years ago.

I actually think he's maybe bored of me and we're just staying together because of the kids, and it's convenient for him as I earn x2 what he does.

That feels good to get off my chest!!

'Maintenance sex'......... the very thought makes my skin crawl...

Are you married, @Boringpartner ? If yes, do the usual getting ducks in a row thing and see a family solicitor. If not, work out your financials and get the house on the market.

Imagine your life without him!!

If you love your home, ignore him and crack on with your life. 😼

Stop having sex with him and go out more. It’s a lot cheaper than divorce.

He sounds awful. You don't have to have sex with him you know. I couldn't bear to be in the same room as him, the thought of smothering him would be too much.

The longer you stay the more expensive a divorce will be.

I agree with others.

Knock the sex on the head.

You should seek excellent legal and financial advice and make your decision on that basis.

Freedom is more important than any house IMO.

Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, your man is in those pages.

Fuck sake. The guy who has only been published by vanity press 20 years ago and has abused women himself. He's a crazy anti vaxxer who thinks all men are abusers. Why is he god on this site?

Aside from that you're not well suited. A comedy show would be my idea of hell. You like different things why don't you just split but at over 40 with kids be realistic about the prospects of meeting anyone else. You didn't get married so there's no divorce.

at at over 40

😂

I'm over 40...it's slim pickings on dating apps if you have no kids let alone if you do. The good ones are gone and you wouldn't want the bad ones.

Why do people kid themselves about this. Unless you've tried dating recently how would you know? People need to be realistic. Head over to the dating thread for a glimpse.

I’m 53, dated, not had a problem, never used an app. HTH.

He sounds exactly like my ex except mine didn't think I shouldn't go out. He just didn't want to go himself.

We split when my 8 year old said said it was weird at his friend's house because his mum and dad kissed and I realised I was damaging him by us not showing affection to each other.

Now mine are late teens and me and ex are good mates. I'm single and we are all happy. Best thing we could have done.

I'm not saying this to tell you to split, just showing it need not be the end of the world if you want to.

Divorce sounds a perfect fit for you. You'll love it.

It doesn't matter if it's slim pickings on dating sites @Goodornot. (Which it certainly is).

The fact is that being single would be a far happier life for the op than staying with this ick man.

So it isn't about leaving to find a better man, when being on your own is already better.

As far as the available dating pool, why does OP even need to date? Is she nothing until she has another man? Why can't she be sufficient unto herself with friends and family around her? After all, it's better to be alone than to be wishing you were.

Is she nothing until she has another man?

Sorry - what?

She might like to find someone a bit more interesting.

What a miserable, joyless, soul crushing life. He’s not just boring, he’s a horrible, small minded, negative, controlling man, and he doesn’t even like you. You can have such a better life. I met my DH when I was only a year younger than you. You don’t even need another relationship- your life would have more freedom and joy in it as a single person.

I agree. Plenty of other homes out there x

I’m pretty rampantly feminist and of the “he’s an abusive bastard” camp but I’m not sure this is abuse here.

It reads more to me that he’s a boring twat who wants OP to grow old and be boring with him. He’s clearly happy being at home watching telly, eating his mash and sponge custard for dessert and going out with his mum to Wetherspoons occasionally as a “treat”. A lot of people would agree this is hell, but some wouldn’t.

You clearly can’t stand him op and forcing yourself to have sex with someone you don’t like or fancy is soul destroying and vomit-inducing (I know, I’ve been there) I’d rather be a penniless single mum than ever feel like that again.

You need get up the courage to end this relationship.

I appreciate the messages everyone, and the clarity, thank you ❤️

He saw me looking online at a top and asked what I was looking at (err....tops?) I said I could do with a bit of a wardrobe update for the ladies night out...and the air got heavier iykwim

Normally I'd pander a bit and ask if everything's OK. Instead I ordered it, and 3 others 😬

OP - I'm nearly 60. In the last 6 months I've been to Copenhagen, Glasgow and driven round eastern Canada. I've been to Chelsea games, an Arsenal one, seen Muse Billy Joel Depeche Mode and New Order - oh yes and Ricky Gervais. I've seen Noise Off and Private Lives, done loads of good meals and get on the lash with my mates every two or three weeks

Live your life - stuck at home with this bore is not the way to do it

But he is boring. It’s not like he enjoys different types of activities, hobbies etc, he’s just dull, never wants to leave the house, doesn’t appear to have any friends or hobbies, only eats three bland things, and sends carping texts to the OP if she happens to go out. He’s worse than boring, actually — he’s a killjoy.

OP, I doubt I’d stand him for a long weekend, far less half a life time. You deserve more than living with this.

So he also tries to control your wardrobe.🙄

So toxic.

Well, it's your life OP, and no one else on this thread has any skin in the game. And if you really think another 40 odd years of this is acceptable instead of sorting your life out and starting to live, then crack on.

But you only get one life and it seems such a waste.

Your kids will know. I think it's pretty feeble to use kids as an excuse to do nothing. At least own your own reticence to change the status quo without bringing them into it.

I hope at least one of them was lime green or some other lively colour, and covered in sequins.

That'll learn him.

I read this today- might help you to think about your options about mature age divorce.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/nov/04/i-think-i-was-relieved-life-on-the-other-side-of-mature-age-divorce?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other

The underlying premise is sound but the whole thing is written from a woman's point of view. Most mid life divorces are initiated by women dissatisfied with their marriage who have got the kids out of the way and want to live life

The biggest suicide risks are middle aged men suddenly living by themselves

Perhaps men need to step up and do better, then, Man, if they are being left because their wives want to live life.