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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't bear how boring DP is

118 replies

Boringpartner · 03/11/2023 15:11

There's a comedy gig coming up id love to go to - nope, seen them 15 years ago so no point, were too old to do that now (45 and im 41)

I'm going out 3 times this month with various friends for meals etc - why do I want to go out so much why can't I be happy at home

I'm staying over at one of these friends houses with the other ladies because it's just easier and will be fun - why am I doing that, why do I need to stay out, why can't I just come home, who else is going out

On the very rare occasion I'm out late I get messages "where are you I'm worried" so I can't enjoy letting my hair down

Food - all has to be bland and is the same thing constantly (some variation of beef, think mince and potatoes). If I cook something nice for me and DC I get remarks like "that doesn't look very nice". If I say "just try it its lovely" I get "nah I'm not into peppers/chicken/ flavour"

Won't eat anything from the freezer or microwave because it's not good enough so food costs a fortune

We haven't been out as a couple in years, although nowadays I don't particularly want to

If we do go out for a meal he has to invite his mum because "she doesn't get to go out much" And of course it has to be somewhere bland

Every time I say "shall we go to XYZ" it's "ill see if mum wants to come"

I'm drained. I'm bored of life.

He still hounds me for sex though when tbh I'm just not into it anymore and its just maintenance sex.

I don't even think he's depressed I genuinely think he's just turned into a misery. He wouldn't seek help anyway, I was apparently "dramatic" when I had to go on ADs a few years ago.

I actually think he's maybe bored of me and we're just staying together because of the kids, and it's convenient for him as I earn x2 what he does.

That feels good to get off my chest!!

OP posts:
Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 03/11/2023 15:43

Does you both work from home OP?

I think both WFH can kill a relationship. There is no reprieve from each other.

Original poster
Boringpartner · 03/11/2023 15:43

Dacadactyl · 03/11/2023 15:33

Well I think you need to have a proper honest sit down.

Ask your parents to have the kids for you and then say what you've said here, that you find him negative and you want more from him/life, that youre finding him a bit boring and that youre not happy with his mjm coming everywhere. If he doesn't want to go out, at the VERY LEAST, he shouldn't be making negative comments when you do.

How would he react to that? Would it cause a row? Or might he be willing to change?

I suspect there are very few decent 40 odd year old men available who would be good "new" partners, so this would also factor into my thinking around this. You may have to go it alone if you leave. But I think you should have a chat first.

Hes not a "talk about feelings" person, so I just don't bother now.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 03/11/2023 15:44

@Boringpartner well I still thjnk you should do it.

And @AttilaTheMeerkat I don't think he's abusive, just a misery

Original poster
Boringpartner · 03/11/2023 15:44

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 03/11/2023 15:43

Does you both work from home OP?

I think both WFH can kill a relationship. There is no reprieve from each other.

He doesn't, I do occasionally but I prefer going into work. He can't understand that either, he thinks I'm crazy when I have the option to wfh but don't.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2023 15:45

Boring partner

How was your dad a bit of a dick exactly?. We learn about relationships from our parents first and foremost so what did yours teach you?. It could well be that you've subconsciously chosen someone not too dissimilar to your own father.

OhComeOnFFS · 03/11/2023 15:46

He's frightened you're going to have an affair because he knows he's boring, he knows you don't have anything in common, he knows you earn a lot more than him so his standard of living is higher...

Devilsmommy · 03/11/2023 15:47

It isn't fair on yourself or the kids to stay in this relationship. I hate that you say you have to have "maintenance sex", it's just awful that any woman thinks she's got to do that to keep partner happy when he's clearly sucking any joy and happiness away from you. Guarantee your children do know that something's off with you both. Kids are perceptive as hell. Nobody deserves to stay in such a shitty relationship, please just think about leaving because how are you going to feel after another 20+ years with this man?

Original poster
Boringpartner · 03/11/2023 15:48

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2023 15:33

Did this man move into your home?.

No bought together. Mortgage paid off. I cant buy him out I don't think. Dad says just hang on until they croak it then I can use the inheritance to buy him out, bless his sense of humour

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 03/11/2023 15:48

You only get one life OP.

Original poster
Boringpartner · 03/11/2023 15:49

Sorry I am reading everyone's messages if not replying to them all. I am finding a bit of courage in them x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2023 15:49

He is both miserable and abusive to boot. Controlling behaviour within relationships is often disguised as concern for the partner being controlled where it is anything but.

OP is being controlled; this type of scenario often comes up on this site and it follows a similar pattern. Its usually the man who is moaning about his woman having a night out of any sort because in his paranoid head he feels that she wants to cheat on him. It will get to the point where OP will not have any social life at all because of the hassle she receives from him both before and after going out. That process is well underway in this relationship.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 03/11/2023 15:49

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2023 15:45

Boring partner

How was your dad a bit of a dick exactly?. We learn about relationships from our parents first and foremost so what did yours teach you?. It could well be that you've subconsciously chosen someone not too dissimilar to your own father.

It is true. The day you realise you have actually done this is stomach dropping….. makes you wonder if the signs always there and you liked the familiar as it was ‘normal’ for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2023 15:53

I would seek legal advice re the property as it is now mortgage free.

Do not hang on until either his mother or he dies; that could be many years off yet and in the meantime your partner's control of you will bring you down further with him. What you are describing here is no life for you or for that matter your kids.

billy1966 · 03/11/2023 15:53

He absolutely does sound like a misery that "hounds you for sex"🤢.

Start thinking about your retirement.

What do you want it to look like?

Better to leave now than wait another decade.

Grumpy men invariably just get grumpier as they age.

Ilovelurchers · 03/11/2023 15:54

If you leave, one of two things will happen:

You will stay single for some time/even forever, but will at least be free to enjoy socialising and friendships without the guilt and negging. You may miss sex, but no sex will be better than sex with a man you despise. There is always masturbation, and the possibility of a FWB set-up/ hook ups/ whatever.

OR

You will meet somebody you fancy the pants off and enjoy spending time with. This person won't be perfect (nobody is) and the relationship with him may not last forever either, but it will be exciting and brilliant at least for a time.

From everything you have said, it does not seem possible that you will end up missing your partner overly much. The sex is boring, he is boring/unpleasant at times, and it's not like he is keeping you in a lavish lifestyle to compensate for these shortcomings.....

So it's a no-brainer really. Are you expecting him to be shocked if you brooch this? Or have you discussed leaving before?

Original poster
Boringpartner · 03/11/2023 15:54

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2023 15:45

Boring partner

How was your dad a bit of a dick exactly?. We learn about relationships from our parents first and foremost so what did yours teach you?. It could well be that you've subconsciously chosen someone not too dissimilar to your own father.

He was very much "what I say goes" always had to have the last word, would draw lines on bottles of pop to see if we'd had any etc

He turned into a different person when DC1 was born and has said to mum a few times he regrets not being the dad to me and my DB that he should have been.

OP posts:
MuckyPlucky · 03/11/2023 15:54

It’s really, really rare I ever say LTB….but LTB. He sounds insufferable, suffocating and dismal. This will rub all your sparkle off eventually.

LTB.

Original poster
Boringpartner · 03/11/2023 15:56

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2023 15:49

He is both miserable and abusive to boot. Controlling behaviour within relationships is often disguised as concern for the partner being controlled where it is anything but.

OP is being controlled; this type of scenario often comes up on this site and it follows a similar pattern. Its usually the man who is moaning about his woman having a night out of any sort because in his paranoid head he feels that she wants to cheat on him. It will get to the point where OP will not have any social life at all because of the hassle she receives from him both before and after going out. That process is well underway in this relationship.

Tbh I think his shittiness is making me go out more 😬 a bit of a "fuck you, you bore" (which I know doesn't paint me in a good light)

OP posts:
BMrs · 03/11/2023 16:00

I can totally understand you staying despite being bored out of your mind. Something about that just makes me feel sad though. Like you're settling for a boring (if not unhappy) life but by doing so you could be missing out on being really very happy and fulfilled!

LickChit · 03/11/2023 16:00

He sounds like a right wet blanket

Original poster
Boringpartner · 03/11/2023 16:00

"So it's a no-brainer really. Are you expecting him to be shocked if you brooch this? Or have you discussed leaving before?"

We've had rows before, last one was when I asked for a favour (go to a thing at secondary school) because I had Noro and he refused. I told him then I'd had enough and that was it, he went, came back, apologised, he'd change etc, I accepted....then regretted it.

The usual fucking story

OP posts:
Jamietoast · 03/11/2023 16:01

You earn 2X what he does?!!!

get out OP.

what a loser/misery - and a taker! Gah!!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2023 16:01

He will continue to "punish" you for going out at all and it could well get to the point you won't even be able to go to the shops on your own or even want to because of the crap he will spout both before and after. He is shutting you down deliberately here.

How can you be helped into leaving this man?.

Echobelly · 03/11/2023 16:01

If he’s this boring at only 46, he’s only going to get more boring. By the time he’s 60 he’s going to be one of those old gits whose sole conversation is grumbling about minor ailments!

but yes, it also sounds quite controlling, trying to make you feel bad about a totally normal amount of social life.