My DH takes all the credit for all my hard work! Can't take it anymore

[lawstudent212]

I am genuinely a strong person but love does make you weak.

Since I got married (1 yr) , I feel like I am always in the back seat somehow and how I do all the hard work but my husband takes all the credit or somehow ends up getting all the credit. I didn't mind it as much as in my culture the husband's are a level up and although my feminist/equal rights kick in, I let it slide because I am in love with my husband.

But things are starting to creep in and I don't like how it's making me feel. Let me give you a few examples.

I earn 50% more than him so if I am paying the bills etc. His family are assuming he pays all the bills and how amazing he is and how careless I am with my money (I get slack from my MIL) but his family never sees that I am the one paying the bills etc.

I helped pay off his loan but when we went to his house, he didn't say "My wife paid off my loan" it was more of a "Yes the loan was paid off, it was no problem at all" and his parents "ooh" and "ah" how tough it must have been for him to pay off his loan to which he shrugs. (Do you get it...it was more implied that he paid off the loan rather than his wife paid off the loan for him)

I brought a house of which he contributed £18K to the depositand I contributed £18K as well but because he is not earning enough, I used my job to get the main mortgage and first time buyer status. I did all the leg work jumping through all the hoops but him and his family see it as 'his house' which I am just supporting him with.

I had a baby (now we all know how hard it is to have a baby) and my DH did buy me some gold jewellery, but his mother is expecting my DH to buy her gold jewellery too and they kept congratulating my husband. I dont know if I was being sensitive to this with all the hormones raging but to me it felt like my DH did all the work and again how I was just the supporting factor.

Another example is when we are on a family holiday, I will pay for the hotels and when my MIL and FIL ask my DH how much it costs. He will pass it off and say "Don't worry about it, it's sorted" rather than giving me credit saying my wife paid this time.

I love my husband alot but these small things are starting to eat me away especially recently with the house thing. I know it's our house but I can't help feeling that if my MIL and DH want to see it in black and white then effectively it's my house with the 80% mortgage on my job, my name and 10% deposit me so my contribution is 90% and his is 10%

I am so bothered by this but the examples are so small, so fine, they often go unnoticed that I have no leg to stand on if I even bring it up to my husband.

What would you do?

Speak up and tell them you paid.

What would happen if you chimed in with 'well actually, DH, I paid for XYZ as you know' when these conversations are happening?

How are you fixed financially if you divorce his lying cocklodging arse? Can you buy him out and kick him out? Because he won't improve, in fact he'll only get worse. And his parents sound toxic.

Is it possible to leave financial paperwork with your details thereon in full view when they visit?

I would correct him each and every time.
Culture or no culture.. sorry.
If he doesnt like it and objects... there is the man you married.... in love or not.

I would correctly him each and every time. But to be honest, he sounds like he’s being an arse and yet you stayed with him, bought a house and had a baby despite already knowing this and not saying anything?

I do think you can point out when you paid. Just a casual, no problem it’s my treat this time. Or correct them on the house/mortgage situation. You don’t have to put your husband down if that’s what you’re worried about but definitely let them know the situation even if it’s just a casual comment.

What would happen if you spoke to your husband about it and said it bothered you?

Why on earth don't you put his parents straight? And tell him that he needs to acknowledge your contribution?

As you seem worried about saying anything, I would make comments when he is not around to put them in the picture.

You’ll only need to correct them once or twice, they’ll stop asking after that I expect 🙄

Love doesn't make you weak. A man who is dragging on your coat tails and treating you like a cashpoint while bolstering his own ego makes you feel week.

If you're married in the UK, regardless of what you both contributed, the house is a marital asset and not yours based on what you contributed, might be worth finding out a little bit more about your financial status legally, should you need to know where you stand.

I'd be less concerned about who his parents think their son is and focus more on who you think he is.

Have you spoken to your dh about this and told him how it makes you feel.

Get rid of the sponging shameless twat. Why women put up with this I'll never know. Fucking rank.

You married a man from a deeply misogynistic culture. He is part of that culture and he will not separate from it.

You say you put your feminism aside for love. He however, did not, and will not, put his misogynistic culture aside for love.

You need to accept this is how it is. Or decide you can’t accept it and leave. It’s great you earn well so you will have choices about your next step.

( I assume you have told him how this makes you feel and he carries on. I suspect he would find it deeply humiliating not to be seen as the provider. Either accept that or don’t).

I don't think my parents or in laws need to know the exact amounts or who paid for what. We don't say oh no he paid for this or no no I paid for this. I would perosnally find that odd and I don't need to hear other people bicker about exactly who paid for what and how much. Keep your relationship problems to yourself. Why do you want your inlaws to know the ins and outs of all your finances - that seems to invite trouble.

If you have an issue with your husband not appreciating your contributions - talk about that at home. In many cases, one spouse contributes more to a mortgage. I think most people would not be happy if their husband corrected them every time they said 'my house' to say no actually I paid more so it is my house. Or insisted that the aie always identify what was her husbands money and what he paid for. I think it is pretty tacky for one person to be pointing out what their spouse ddint' earn or didn't pay for or didn't do.

Well - if you are from the culture where men are ‘level up’ - what your H is doing is what men do - puffing his chest and posturing.
He wants his parents to think he is Being a Man.
Admitting it’s his wife who is earning more is emasculating to him. And many men - even western ones would have an issue with admitting it.

But you knew the financials going in. You knew you’d be providing more as you are the higher earner. And in a marriage - it doesn’t need to be an issue as you are combining assets when marrying.

You do feel strangely competitive or resentful of it now. What do you really want - make sure his parents know their son isn’t providing adequately? Is that to make him more ambitious and work harder? (It’s unlikely to work, btw)

Your finances as a couple don’t need to be discussed with or by his parents. No one needs to be ‘recognised’ as the bigger provider - unless it’s some sort of competition and an attempt to make the other feel bad.

I think your main issue is the level of involvement his parents have in your marriage. Their opinion seems to matter a whole lot to you. You need to figure out a
way where you don’t let it affect you. And put boundaries in place to protect yourself and your marriage.

Finally - it’s no more ‘your’ house as it is his. You are married - it’s a family asset. You paying the larger share (or even all) of mortgage doesn’t make it yours.

You must know that.

OP you are on a hiding to nothing here. You could tell him how it makes you feel and you want him to be more honest publicly, but I doubt he'll do it as this is deeply ingrained.

TBH I think you'll have to put up with it or get out of the marriage.

This.

I agree with the last 2 posts, I don't understand all this cocklodging crap upthread.

He absolutely shouldn't stand by and let his mil say or imply that you are wasting money. He should stand up for you and insist that his parents treat you with the respect you deserve.

However, I don't think he needs to clarify who paid for what.

My husband earns more than me and I'd be gutted if he insisted on pointing that out on a regular basis and wanted to make sure everyone knew he'd contributed more financially.

I think mmomdd's post is really good - you need to think about why this is bothering you so much.

My DH doesn't do this but my MIL clearly thinks its emasculating that I earn (a lot) more money than him and can't seem to get her head round it. She thinks that my job is little and his is all big and important.

Mmmm I can see why this I s bit frustrating for you. But I think you're going too far the other way. So, you are 100% right to be annoyed that his family seem to think he is supporting you single handedly while you are frivolously spending his hard earned money and that he is allowing this to continue. BUT, as you are married and have a child, I don't think you should be wanting your Dh to tell his family that his wife paid for things. It should be "we".

I earn 80% of our income. Dh does more childcare etc. If, for example, we paid for dinner for either of our families while we were out, I would not blink twice if DH said, "oh don't worry, it's taken care of" when asked about the bill as we share finances. I absolutely would get annoyed if there were comments like, "ooh, DH you're so amazing the way you support NotLactoseFree and work so hard."

speak up and use your voice!

You ILs know all too well. How else would a man go from brassic to minted without his wife's income?

I would find a solicitor and restrict the money flow because he hasn't martied a woman, he's married a cash cow. Have your wages put into a sole account and take from that to general housekeeping. Keeo the rest because you're going to need it in the near future.

I completely get why you're frustrated but you're also over correcting. He should be saying 'we got it" or "we paid the loan off" as it's weird in any circumstance to say one of you solely paid when I assume it's your family money. But you need to correct your mil the next time she mentions your spending. It's ok to point out you have a very well paying job and can buy what you like as you actually more than contribute to your household. I do think there's only so much you can say where you won't be vilified due to the culture you are from and married into knowing this.

Dh earns far more than me, but his money is our money. He would never ever say that it was proportionally his house or his car or his new bathroom! It is all ours. In saying that I do acknowledge to him and probably in front of family that he works really hard (he does) and long hours in a high pressured job which enables us to have nice things. He is a hard worker and we are lucky. I am proud of him.

I work in a much softer sector with fantastic hours, term time only hours which has enabled me to be the type of mum/family set up I craved. He will often compliment me and defer to me on things like that. We respect one another's roles and contributions, but we would never ever show one another up like your husband is to you. We are a team of equals with different skills and financial contributions. What I have provided to our children is priceless, and we know it.

So when you say your husband is taking credit, I do not think you should chime in with saying that it was you- but I would be setting him very straight that he cannot take the credit, he MUST say something like "Without @lawstudent212 working so hard, we would never be able to do this, isn't she fantastic?". He should defer and credit you, and show that you are a team, he is proud of you.

His ego/culture might not allow for this. I wouldn't be able to cope with it, he would be gone.