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Original poster

My DH takes all the credit for all my hard work! Can't take it anymore

107 replies

lawstudent212 · 02/11/2023 09:18

I am genuinely a strong person but love does make you weak.

Since I got married (1 yr) , I feel like I am always in the back seat somehow and how I do all the hard work but my husband takes all the credit or somehow ends up getting all the credit. I didn't mind it as much as in my culture the husband's are a level up and although my feminist/equal rights kick in, I let it slide because I am in love with my husband.

But things are starting to creep in and I don't like how it's making me feel. Let me give you a few examples.

I earn 50% more than him so if I am paying the bills etc. His family are assuming he pays all the bills and how amazing he is and how careless I am with my money (I get slack from my MIL) but his family never sees that I am the one paying the bills etc.

I helped pay off his loan but when we went to his house, he didn't say "My wife paid off my loan" it was more of a "Yes the loan was paid off, it was no problem at all" and his parents "ooh" and "ah" how tough it must have been for him to pay off his loan to which he shrugs. (Do you get it...it was more implied that he paid off the loan rather than his wife paid off the loan for him)

I brought a house of which he contributed £18K to the depositand I contributed £18K as well but because he is not earning enough, I used my job to get the main mortgage and first time buyer status. I did all the leg work jumping through all the hoops but him and his family see it as 'his house' which I am just supporting him with.

I had a baby (now we all know how hard it is to have a baby) and my DH did buy me some gold jewellery, but his mother is expecting my DH to buy her gold jewellery too and they kept congratulating my husband. I dont know if I was being sensitive to this with all the hormones raging but to me it felt like my DH did all the work and again how I was just the supporting factor.

Another example is when we are on a family holiday, I will pay for the hotels and when my MIL and FIL ask my DH how much it costs. He will pass it off and say "Don't worry about it, it's sorted" rather than giving me credit saying my wife paid this time.

I love my husband alot but these small things are starting to eat me away especially recently with the house thing. I know it's our house but I can't help feeling that if my MIL and DH want to see it in black and white then effectively it's my house with the 80% mortgage on my job, my name and 10% deposit me so my contribution is 90% and his is 10%

I am so bothered by this but the examples are so small, so fine, they often go unnoticed that I have no leg to stand on if I even bring it up to my husband.

What would you do?

OP posts:

GCAcademic · 03/11/2023 07:53

saffronsoup · 03/11/2023 06:57

This thread is so bizarre and the complete opposite of most threads where one spouse earns or pays more. The idea that the higher earning spouse needs to ensure that everyone knows what they pay for and they need to ensure no one thinks the lower earning spouse contributes more than they do, and they need to claim ownership over whatever they have paid for and not let others assume shared ownership is just a pretty massive reversal from most threads.

I think you're reading a different thread to everyone else. This isn't about everyone needing to know that the OP is the highest earner. It's about her DH not making out to everyone that he's paying for everything that he and the OP have.

WrongSwanson · 03/11/2023 08:03

GCAcademic · 03/11/2023 07:53

Show quote history

exactly

If he just said "we" it would be fine.

saffronsoup · 03/11/2023 08:15

GCAcademic · 03/11/2023 07:53

Show quote history

Well if you read OPs posts, she explictly says she wants him to say my wife paid for... or when they go on vacation, he just says it is sorted and doesn't explicitly say she paid for it. So yes, the expectation by OP that many have agreed with is that the lower earning or less contrbuting spouse does not take any ownership or any acknolwedgement when they haven't equally contributed. So instead of saying our car - they need to say my husband'a]s car that he lets me drive, or my husband bought us this delicious dinner, etc. And they need to sure everyone knows on vacation who paid for what. That is the thread - I can quote the OPs words if you like.

Justanothermum42 · 03/11/2023 08:17

Speak up for yourself! Speak with him first and tell him how much all of this bothers you. Ask him to explain to his parents all of the above. You will know he has done it as they will stop making the comments. If they continue with the comments you know he has not said a word. So that will be you cue to say Actually, the hotel cost £££. I know because I paid for it’.

JustAMinutePleass · 03/11/2023 08:27

Are you from a culture that would balk at spending a dil’s money? If so you should tell your mil 1-2-1 and that should stop the unreasonable requests

Cumbrianlife · 03/11/2023 08:34

If you marry within a culture that levels up men, why would you expect any difference?

LeavesOnTrees · 03/11/2023 08:37

Going against the grain I can sort of understand the DH being like this with his parents, as he's come from a culture where he's been expected to support a wife and children, but in reality he's not.
His parents might have been very demanding and overbearing on him growing up and he doesn't want to disapoint them. They seem overly involved in his life now.
That doesn't excuse his behaviour though.

I'd speak to him first to make sure he knows his you feel and see if he's willing to make changes.

CatOnTheCludgy · 03/11/2023 08:47

Cumbrianlife · 03/11/2023 08:34

If you marry within a culture that levels up men, why would you expect any difference?

I think this is very relevant.
What do you want? Your DH to acknowledge your contributions? Have you talked to him about it?
If he won't what is your plan? Just put up with it?

Naunet · 03/11/2023 09:04

I didn't mind it as much as in my culture the husband's are a level up

Name a culture where that isn’t the case to some degree or another?! You need to speak up for yourself and you need to tell your husband how disrespectful he’s being. He’s cosplaying at provider at your expense.

livsmommy · 03/11/2023 14:00

The sentence about husbands being ‘a level up’ got my back up straight away 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Eskimal · 03/11/2023 16:40

You need to set some boundaries and think about your marriage.
my husband was like this and his family still are. There’s ADHD running through his entire family. And therefore lack of accountability, debt and dysfunctional behaviour. Perhaps there is in your husbands family too?

Toomanycaketins · 03/11/2023 19:36

MMmomDD · 02/11/2023 09:43

Well - if you are from the culture where men are ‘level up’ - what your H is doing is what men do - puffing his chest and posturing.
He wants his parents to think he is Being a Man.
Admitting it’s his wife who is earning more is emasculating to him. And many men - even western ones would have an issue with admitting it.

But you knew the financials going in. You knew you’d be providing more as you are the higher earner. And in a marriage - it doesn’t need to be an issue as you are combining assets when marrying.

You do feel strangely competitive or resentful of it now. What do you really want - make sure his parents know their son isn’t providing adequately? Is that to make him more ambitious and work harder? (It’s unlikely to work, btw)

Your finances as a couple don’t need to be discussed with or by his parents. No one needs to be ‘recognised’ as the bigger provider - unless it’s some sort of competition and an attempt to make the other feel bad.

I think your main issue is the level of involvement his parents have in your marriage. Their opinion seems to matter a whole lot to you. You need to figure out a
way where you don’t let it affect you. And put boundaries in place to protect yourself and your marriage.

Finally - it’s no more ‘your’ house as it is his. You are married - it’s a family asset. You paying the larger share (or even all) of mortgage doesn’t make it yours.

You must know that.

This

is it only to his parents? Maybe he has a relationship with them where he feels like he has something to prove? Does he praise you in other ways to them?

Mswest · 04/11/2023 07:29

I can understand this, not so much the money side but when we had kids the in-laws thought he was Superdad and in reality he wasn't doing much at all. Came to a head one day when I'd been up through the night multiple nights in a row with twins and was pretty much doing all the parenting and his mum said she could come over 'to give him a rest' and he just said thanks. We got home and I lost it - he realised how little he had been doing (I think this had really been the issue) and things changed very quickly. He is still the golden boy of course with his parents but I've learned to live with that. Next time money comes up juts literally say 'yes I paid it off' or 'yes it cost me a fortune' or whatever. I now make sure they know when it was me rather than their precious son who did the hard work. Neither son nor parents like it much but it makes me feel much better 😂

EveSix · 04/11/2023 08:56

I think that, however tempting it is to say "Why don't you just..." in exasperation at OP's predicament, it signals a lack of understanding of how deeply rooted and pervasive cultural norms can be and how unimaginable it can feel to 'just' do x, y or z. Not saying it's right, but just that if it didn't feel so out-of-the-question insurmountable, OP would probably have done it already.
But, given the context, I hope I'd be brave enough to do something like drop into conversation in private with MiL that you would love to drop some hours to support your growing family. If she nodded in agreement as she might be culturally inclined to do, I'd shrug and say that for the time being it wouldn't be possible as you're the main earner and your husband's income is insufficient to support you going part time, given that you pay a higher portion of mortgage etc. Feels a bit underhand, but so is his implied breadwinner posturing.

Branwells77 · 04/11/2023 10:23

I would be making it crystal clear in front of his family that you have paid for XYZ and that you cover all the bills and you earn more than him, in all honesty your husband sounds like a sponge and he will continue to take credit unless you speak, it all sounds one sided and your his financial support but he’s not prepared to be honest about it maybe he’s embarrassed that you earn more and that he does rely on you but he needs to give you credit and not let his family assume it’s all him because without you he’d be screwed.

IncompleteSenten · 04/11/2023 10:25

Stop doing it.
Tell him that since it appears to be so important to him that he pays for everything and everyone knows it that from now on - he can.

Dotcheck · 04/11/2023 10:29

Why do you need his parents to acknowledge your income?

But I wonder if you feel your husband takes you for granted??

heartbroken22 · 04/11/2023 10:31

What @IncompleteSenten said. Stop paying.

Simplehi · 04/11/2023 10:50

I don't really understand your need for people to know that you're the one paying not your husband. In my marriage I put the deposit down to buy our house, I paid for all our furniture, I paid for our renovations, I bought his motorbike and all his gear etc and I paid off all his debts. He's never made such a significant financial contribution, but I dont hold that against him or feel the need for other people to know about it. However, I would speak up at your MIL making comments about you wasting money, maybe something like "well I pay all the bills, so if I want to spend some of my money on myself then I can". Either speak up for yourself or let it go, or you're just going to end up bitter and resentful.

organicbox · 04/11/2023 10:58

GoldDuster · 02/11/2023 09:32

Love doesn't make you weak. A man who is dragging on your coat tails and treating you like a cashpoint while bolstering his own ego makes you feel week.

If you're married in the UK, regardless of what you both contributed, the house is a marital asset and not yours based on what you contributed, might be worth finding out a little bit more about your financial status legally, should you need to know where you stand.

I'd be less concerned about who his parents think their son is and focus more on who you think he is.

This.

Of course it's frustrating that they are all colluding in the myth that he's the great provider and you are the lucky wife. Which is annoying, and I would casually correct it by speaking quicker than my husband...

But the most important q is- why can't you talk to your husband? Why do other people's opinions matter more than what you need? Where is your voice?

You sound like a hard worker and a brilliant team player. But if you let resentment build without saying, you'll end up losing feeling for him.

A gentle 'love, I feel like your parents assume all the money comes from you, and that maybe you let them believe that? I don't want my hard work and contribution to be invisible. I want to feel you're proud of me and what I am doing to build our life together.'

A man that can't handle that sort of feedback is going to be a difficult partner...

PrinceHaz · 04/11/2023 11:58

organicbox · 04/11/2023 10:58

This.

But the most important q is- why can't you talk to your husband? Why do other people's opinions matter more than what you need? Where is your voice?

You sound like a hard worker and a brilliant team player. But if you let resentment build without saying, you'll end up losing feeling for him.

A man that can't handle that sort of feedback is going to be a difficult partner...

Show quote history

The fact that he’d need that feedback suggests he’s going to be unlikely to receive it well.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/11/2023 13:20

I'd nip that one in the bud now.

Ask him "How did you manage to get your loan paid off DH? Did you win the lottery or do you have a very kind wife who paid it for you?"

He may emasculated by women stepping in where he should be able to cover his own debts and all of the things that historically were associated with a husband being the head of the family and with the responsibilities, but the fact is, he isn't stepping up at the moment.

You are being effeminated (whatever the female version of emasculated is) against, because he is taking credit where he doesn't deserve to.

Call him out on it every single time. Don't put up with him doing that.

Appleblum · 04/11/2023 13:25

Does it really matter? You're married so all money is family money anyway.

WrongSwanson · 04/11/2023 13:45

Appleblum · 04/11/2023 13:25

Does it really matter? You're married so all money is family money anyway.

If that's the case, why does it matter to him so much that he's prepared to mislead?

Radioshark · 04/11/2023 14:15

Exactly what I put up. It's sociopathic behaviour and they never change. Time he was paying equal % of the bills if he is working. It's time to put his family straight when he comes with the big shot talk and nip it in the bud or it will carry on.

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