Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH takes all the credit for all my hard work! Can't take it anymore

107 replies

lawstudent212 · 02/11/2023 09:18

I am genuinely a strong person but love does make you weak.

Since I got married (1 yr) , I feel like I am always in the back seat somehow and how I do all the hard work but my husband takes all the credit or somehow ends up getting all the credit. I didn't mind it as much as in my culture the husband's are a level up and although my feminist/equal rights kick in, I let it slide because I am in love with my husband.

But things are starting to creep in and I don't like how it's making me feel. Let me give you a few examples.

I earn 50% more than him so if I am paying the bills etc. His family are assuming he pays all the bills and how amazing he is and how careless I am with my money (I get slack from my MIL) but his family never sees that I am the one paying the bills etc.

I helped pay off his loan but when we went to his house, he didn't say "My wife paid off my loan" it was more of a "Yes the loan was paid off, it was no problem at all" and his parents "ooh" and "ah" how tough it must have been for him to pay off his loan to which he shrugs. (Do you get it...it was more implied that he paid off the loan rather than his wife paid off the loan for him)

I brought a house of which he contributed £18K to the depositand I contributed £18K as well but because he is not earning enough, I used my job to get the main mortgage and first time buyer status. I did all the leg work jumping through all the hoops but him and his family see it as 'his house' which I am just supporting him with.

I had a baby (now we all know how hard it is to have a baby) and my DH did buy me some gold jewellery, but his mother is expecting my DH to buy her gold jewellery too and they kept congratulating my husband. I dont know if I was being sensitive to this with all the hormones raging but to me it felt like my DH did all the work and again how I was just the supporting factor.

Another example is when we are on a family holiday, I will pay for the hotels and when my MIL and FIL ask my DH how much it costs. He will pass it off and say "Don't worry about it, it's sorted" rather than giving me credit saying my wife paid this time.

I love my husband alot but these small things are starting to eat me away especially recently with the house thing. I know it's our house but I can't help feeling that if my MIL and DH want to see it in black and white then effectively it's my house with the 80% mortgage on my job, my name and 10% deposit me so my contribution is 90% and his is 10%

I am so bothered by this but the examples are so small, so fine, they often go unnoticed that I have no leg to stand on if I even bring it up to my husband.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 02/11/2023 10:29

MMmomDD · 02/11/2023 09:43

Well - if you are from the culture where men are ‘level up’ - what your H is doing is what men do - puffing his chest and posturing.
He wants his parents to think he is Being a Man.
Admitting it’s his wife who is earning more is emasculating to him. And many men - even western ones would have an issue with admitting it.

But you knew the financials going in. You knew you’d be providing more as you are the higher earner. And in a marriage - it doesn’t need to be an issue as you are combining assets when marrying.

You do feel strangely competitive or resentful of it now. What do you really want - make sure his parents know their son isn’t providing adequately? Is that to make him more ambitious and work harder? (It’s unlikely to work, btw)

Your finances as a couple don’t need to be discussed with or by his parents. No one needs to be ‘recognised’ as the bigger provider - unless it’s some sort of competition and an attempt to make the other feel bad.

I think your main issue is the level of involvement his parents have in your marriage. Their opinion seems to matter a whole lot to you. You need to figure out a
way where you don’t let it affect you. And put boundaries in place to protect yourself and your marriage.

Finally - it’s no more ‘your’ house as it is his. You are married - it’s a family asset. You paying the larger share (or even all) of mortgage doesn’t make it yours.

You must know that.

This sums it up very well.

The only other thing you can do is ‘inspire’ him to become the man he pretends to be.

This, however, is the life you have chosen being a higher earner to a misogynist. Itemising who’s paid for what to your in laws will only make your life more difficult.

Koalakubs · 02/11/2023 10:30

Im not sure how long you have been together prior to marriage but at around 18 months to 3 years the initial infatuation chemicals wear off. You will then see him differently (his true colours will also start coming out).

These traits you describe are not desirable in anyone (and definitely not someone you live with). If they are annoying you now wait until another 5 years have passed.

I can see why it annoys you. I would see it as a lie (omission of truth) and it wouldn’t sit well with me. Personally I would ask him why he says these things? I wouldn’t overlook it or avoid it. I’d find out his real reason and THEN explain it’s a lie or at the very best an omission of truth. Assuming neither of you want ‘being a liar’ as a core value, I would tell him you are not prepared to lie to family. It makes you very uncomfortable.

Now the rose tinted specs are off look at him carefully and iron out these issues. If not resentment and eventually contempt will set in. 1 year in and if it didn’t resolve a divorce will mean you keep your assets. 10 years in and he gets half your money.

Does he have issues with lying, pride or maybe he feels inferior - again these traits are not marriage material. Does he lie by omission about other things if you think carefully? Not owning up to mistakes or blaming others? Not saying if someone makes an error to his advantage?

Codlingmoths · 02/11/2023 10:32

I think it would be fine to say a holiday sounds nice but actually I’m not going to pay for the hotel. I always feel a bit let down by the way you just say oh it’s no big deal about it, when it’s my hard earned money and it feels completely dismissed. So I will focus on what is within my power to change and not pay for a hotel to make sure I don’t feel that way. It spoils the holiday for me a bit.

GnomeDePlume · 02/11/2023 10:40

I agree with @NotLactoseFree DH should be a lot more free with the word 'we'.

When DPIL were alive they were totally baffled by our setup (DH was SAHP). When DH started working again DMIL would always ask him if his work was busy ('busy' for DMIL meant secure). Never asked about my work on which our entire domestic economy relied. In her world women's work was subordinate to men's.

However DH was always keen to point out we are a team so any gift, support etc came from us both.

Mari9999 · 02/11/2023 10:46

@lawstudent212
You say " I bought a house," " I had a baby." No "we bought a house" or "we had a,baby." So perhaps your mindset is not so terribly different from their mindset.

TheGoddessFrigg · 02/11/2023 10:49

Is he worried his peeemus would fall off if he was honest about being a coat tails misogynist?

bonzaitree · 02/11/2023 10:55

He should say « well we have @lawstudent212 to thank for that » or « well this would not have happened without @lawstudent212

Also tell him how you feel - undermined and unappreciated.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 02/11/2023 11:06

I feel you should ask yourself why it's bothering you so much. If you are working and looking after a young child you must be exhausted. Exhaustion always contributes to feeling ratty about things. Personally under these circumstances I would cut my hours so my income drops to my husband's level. Forego holidays and just spend more time with my child. This way I would avoid nasty comments and actually enjoy my life more. I would back to work full time when my child is older. Maybe do some online learning to stay on top of skills.

Aikko · 02/11/2023 12:11

I suspect there is more to this than what the OP is willing to disclose on this forum.

ArtyStripedSocks · 02/11/2023 12:25

I don't earn. Dh earns, pays for everything. I have facilitated and supported him in his career and feel like his equal. If he commented that I didn't contribute to anything in front of people, I would be pissed off and find it very undermining. If he did it in private (which he has) I would tear a strip off him. It's hard to balance egos around this seemingly crucial aspect of married life. Harder for you because it's the non trad way around and obvs your dh feels a bit threatened by your higher earnings, whilst at the same time his sexist family make assumptions that he's the big man and earning more than you.
I wouldn't correct him in front of them; he will find it undermining and his parents might use it to cause division (they sound like the types).
Do have a word with him and see if you can get him to respond to his parents daft comments with something supportive which indicates you are a marriage if equals. He doesn't have to tell them you earn more, but he can put a stop ti their sexism.
I was going to say that it's unfair that you have to do all the admin as well as the warning, but tbh, I think it's very wise if you to keep control of the finances and to be the one making the decisions.

category12 · 02/11/2023 12:57

Is your baby a daughter?

I'd be wondering about how this sexism will impact your dc growing up.

Findinganewme · 02/11/2023 13:20

Pretending that he is the financial / family hero seems less of a cultural thing to me and more of an issue with his personality.

Anon204 · 02/11/2023 13:22

You entered into the marriage knowing you were the bread winner. Whatever you earn, your incomes should both go into the family pot and should be spent as needed, otherwise you will of course feel resentment for who pays for what.

Let me suggest a role reversal here...how would you feel if your husband DID pay for everything, for you as well, and let everyone know he paid for everything for you. Wouldn't you find it annoying and demeaning? I know I would.

Quitelikeit · 02/11/2023 13:28

You could try talking to him about this?

That is less severe than humiliating him and telling his parents you are paying - although I’d love to be a fly in the wall if you ever did that!!

arethereanyleftatall · 02/11/2023 13:28

I can't for the life of me fathom why you didn't speak up when he told lies.

'What on Earth are you talking about darling, I paid.'

Wellfancy · 02/11/2023 13:38

Well if you are daft enough to accept their attitude then they will keep doing it... As will DH!

baileys6904 · 02/11/2023 13:44

I earn a lot less than my DP.

He has never complained, or commented. In fact what we normally do when with family or friends is I pay for something in public, he quietly puts the money in my bank account to cover it (without asking or usually me even knowing). There's no competition, we have no kids together, it's just one of the things he does.

I would hope he wouldnt post something like this. It sounds like you resent the situation of don't feel validated by the in laws

Starbeeees · 02/11/2023 13:51

Is it cultural for his mum to receive jewellery on the birth of your baby? I’ve never heard of this so I’m genuinely interested!

OutfitNeededPlease · 02/11/2023 13:52

KeithChegwinFromExtrasPopKnob · 02/11/2023 09:34

Get rid of the sponging shameless twat. Why women put up with this I'll never know. Fucking rank.

That's my immediate reaction, too.

Angrycat2768 · 02/11/2023 14:12

I presume you are from the same misogynistic culture. I would tell him every time ( even in private) that this annoys you. And make him pay for his mothers jewellery out of his own earnings if he wants to. Mothers in law in misogynistic cultures continue to perpetuate this because they went through it and think everyone else should too, especially for the benefit of their precious sons. And no one calls them out on it. If they say you are frivolrous, I would put her straight and tell her that you are a very high earner, make most of the money and you will spend your money as you see fit. If you wanted to be nasty about it you could point out to her that you pay most of the mortgage the leftover money is yours. Its not to do with you as a family ( the house is a joint house) but if your MIL is undermining you you need to stand up to her.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 02/11/2023 15:03

I suspect that if the in-laws in any way acknowledged the OPs contribution - financial or otherwise - OP wouldn't feel so resentful. But not only are her contributions not acknowledged, she is actually being accused of being BAD WITH MONEY - the irony!
Time to use your voice OP. And also to consider if this is a family you want to remain a part of.

TheOccupier · 02/11/2023 15:04

These are NOT small things, OP. They are important things. Your husband should be proud of you, support you, and celebrate your hard work and success, not take advantage and take the credit so he can act like the big man.

Regardless of culture, you deserve better - look at Nadiya from Bake Off. She had a very traditional marriage and has an apparently lovely husband who seems to cope with her being rich and famous!

Hibiscrubbed · 02/11/2023 15:44

as in my culture the husband's are a level up and although my feminist/equal rights kick in, I let it slide because I am in love with my husband

Fuck that.

What’s to love about this guy?!

I think you should tell them. They already don’t like you much, they may as well know what a freeloader your H is.

PrinceHaz · 02/11/2023 15:50

I think this goes beyond needing to speak up. If the OP did speak up, she’d be seen as uppity and the family would continue to believe what they want to believe.
In this situation, I’d consider splitting up as the OP’s husband is willing to see his wife lied about, demeaned and humiliated to maintain his status in his family. That, in my eyes, is wicked and unforgivable of him.

RiderofRohan · 02/11/2023 16:08

Following the theme of the thread I thought you were going to say 'I had a baby and he pretended that he had the baby and his family congratulated him on pushing it out so well'.

He sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulder. Next time just politely mention that you bought xyz or paid for the holiday.