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Original poster

My DH takes all the credit for all my hard work! Can't take it anymore

107 replies

lawstudent212 · 02/11/2023 09:18

I am genuinely a strong person but love does make you weak.

Since I got married (1 yr) , I feel like I am always in the back seat somehow and how I do all the hard work but my husband takes all the credit or somehow ends up getting all the credit. I didn't mind it as much as in my culture the husband's are a level up and although my feminist/equal rights kick in, I let it slide because I am in love with my husband.

But things are starting to creep in and I don't like how it's making me feel. Let me give you a few examples.

I earn 50% more than him so if I am paying the bills etc. His family are assuming he pays all the bills and how amazing he is and how careless I am with my money (I get slack from my MIL) but his family never sees that I am the one paying the bills etc.

I helped pay off his loan but when we went to his house, he didn't say "My wife paid off my loan" it was more of a "Yes the loan was paid off, it was no problem at all" and his parents "ooh" and "ah" how tough it must have been for him to pay off his loan to which he shrugs. (Do you get it...it was more implied that he paid off the loan rather than his wife paid off the loan for him)

I brought a house of which he contributed £18K to the depositand I contributed £18K as well but because he is not earning enough, I used my job to get the main mortgage and first time buyer status. I did all the leg work jumping through all the hoops but him and his family see it as 'his house' which I am just supporting him with.

I had a baby (now we all know how hard it is to have a baby) and my DH did buy me some gold jewellery, but his mother is expecting my DH to buy her gold jewellery too and they kept congratulating my husband. I dont know if I was being sensitive to this with all the hormones raging but to me it felt like my DH did all the work and again how I was just the supporting factor.

Another example is when we are on a family holiday, I will pay for the hotels and when my MIL and FIL ask my DH how much it costs. He will pass it off and say "Don't worry about it, it's sorted" rather than giving me credit saying my wife paid this time.

I love my husband alot but these small things are starting to eat me away especially recently with the house thing. I know it's our house but I can't help feeling that if my MIL and DH want to see it in black and white then effectively it's my house with the 80% mortgage on my job, my name and 10% deposit me so my contribution is 90% and his is 10%

I am so bothered by this but the examples are so small, so fine, they often go unnoticed that I have no leg to stand on if I even bring it up to my husband.

What would you do?

OP posts:
paintingvenice · 02/11/2023 16:28

Do you still love him? If you take away how you felt when you first met, and just focus o. How you feel now. Are you still in love?

Riverstep · 02/11/2023 16:35

He should be referring to these things as ‘we’ ,- ‘yes we paid it off no problems’ etc. He should also be correcting anyone who suggests that you aren’t in an equal partnership- financially and otherwise. I’d raise this with him and not involve others in the conversation. He’s the one who needs to modify his thinking and responses to comments that are made by others.

Epidote · 02/11/2023 16:49

If you got join finances shouldn't matter who is earns more all goes to the pool.

If you are concerned about your personal finances and other things behind it, separate the extra money you earn and just contribute with the same amount he does.
See how splendid he is with that chunk off.

unsync · 02/11/2023 17:22

Unless you are happy putting up with all of this, most probably for the rest of your life, you don't really have many choices. Speak up or leave.

cocog · 02/11/2023 17:36

I used partners credit card to pay for something for my car in garage once they all laughed and joked it would be great to have a partner to pay for these things. I totally pay the credit card of everything I have bought on it! I told him after we left if he ever makes out he pays for things for me like that in front of people I would say thank you very much for the gift and not pay for that once the bill comes in! He’s never done it again! Perhaps speak to him about how this makes you feel.

Mamabear48 · 02/11/2023 19:00

I mean I get your annoyed but I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just say you paid for it like I would be blowing my own horn if it was my MIL and how I helped pay. And how you can’t speak to you husband about it says something

Gymnopedie · 02/11/2023 19:08

To those saying it's family money, it doesn't matter who paid - that's fine if that's acknowledged. But the DH is encouraging his family to believe that he's the big man paying for it all and standing by while his wife is insulted.

If it doesn't matter why is he insisting on taking all the credit? (rhetorical question, I know why).So why shouldn't OP's contribution be recognised? Let's be equal here, if who paid matters to him why is it wrong that it matters to OP?

cannaefindit · 02/11/2023 19:09

I understand this completely, it’s happened with me too. When I had my first DD quite a few years ago I discussed not going back to work with DH and his family. In laws weren’t concerned and very supportive of me taking a break but DH wasn’t and ended up having to explain to them why he needed me to go back to work. I was always going back but it was the only way to bring the truth out.

It’s all transparent now I do find my in laws are extra supportive since I went back to work 😉

WrongSwanson · 02/11/2023 19:13

DH started letting this happen with DSC (eg they would make comments implying they thought I was some kind of kept woman when I actually earn more than him) and after ignoring it for a while I started correcting it if necessary. Gently but firmly eg. "No I paid half the house /holiday/ day out" . I wasn't going to make a big thing about earning more, and he certainly works hard too, but it wasn't fair to let incorrect assumptions lie. I think you should do the same op

BananaSpanner · 02/11/2023 19:32

Don’t think this is a big deal at all. My DH earns more than me. It would make me feel like crap if he had made a point of piping up to my family every time he paid for a holiday or paid off my car loan. When you’re a family unit, nobody deserves ‘credit’ for being the main earner. People pull their weight in relationships in different ways.

I should point out that I’ve came into a bit of money and went on to pay off his car loan and pay for a holiday. I don’t need him to point out to his family that I’ve don’t that.

WrongSwanson · 02/11/2023 19:36

BananaSpanner · 02/11/2023 19:32

Don’t think this is a big deal at all. My DH earns more than me. It would make me feel like crap if he had made a point of piping up to my family every time he paid for a holiday or paid off my car loan. When you’re a family unit, nobody deserves ‘credit’ for being the main earner. People pull their weight in relationships in different ways.

I should point out that I’ve came into a bit of money and went on to pay off his car loan and pay for a holiday. I don’t need him to point out to his family that I’ve don’t that.

Edited

It's not about saying who earns more, just reflecting you both contribute. Ops DH seems to be masking her contribution.

Eg. I earn much more than DH, I don't need people to know that but I do expect him not to mislead people into thinking he pays for everything.

If it's "not a big deal" then why would he /should he lie by omission?

BananaSpanner · 02/11/2023 19:41

WrongSwanson · 02/11/2023 19:36

It's not about saying who earns more, just reflecting you both contribute. Ops DH seems to be masking her contribution.

Eg. I earn much more than DH, I don't need people to know that but I do expect him not to mislead people into thinking he pays for everything.

If it's "not a big deal" then why would he /should he lie by omission?

Show quote history

I guess because it wouldn’t bother me that he looks good to his parents. If it did start to bother me I’d just tell him to pack it in.

PixiePirate · 02/11/2023 19:42

That’s a deeply unattractive and infuriating trait. I sincerely hope he doesn’t carry that attitude to women into the workplace and day to day life outside of the home.

MrsHarrisAParis · 02/11/2023 19:50

We have separate bank accounts but it wouldn't bother me at all if DH's family thought he'd paid for something I had or vice versa. In fact, since we're a team, we let each other put the best side forward to their family if it's important to them.
You need to work out what's bothering you. Is it that you feel your DH doesn't respect or show enough gratitude to you? Or is it that you need external validation from your ILs?
You acknowledge you've married into a misogynistic culture. If you're going to kick against that culture then you need to do so vocally and every time. It doesn't need to be aggressive - just 'Yy I paid off the loan.'
But tbh I'd find that constant point scoring quite exhausting and would think it said something deep-rooted about your unease in the relationship.

BananaSpanner · 02/11/2023 19:54

MrsHarrisAParis · 02/11/2023 19:50

We have separate bank accounts but it wouldn't bother me at all if DH's family thought he'd paid for something I had or vice versa. In fact, since we're a team, we let each other put the best side forward to their family if it's important to them.
You need to work out what's bothering you. Is it that you feel your DH doesn't respect or show enough gratitude to you? Or is it that you need external validation from your ILs?
You acknowledge you've married into a misogynistic culture. If you're going to kick against that culture then you need to do so vocally and every time. It doesn't need to be aggressive - just 'Yy I paid off the loan.'
But tbh I'd find that constant point scoring quite exhausting and would think it said something deep-rooted about your unease in the relationship.

This is the point I was trying to make but this post is better.

BlueEyedPeanut · 02/11/2023 19:54

Are his parents toxic? If they are, and if he is a good, fair partner away from them, I would let this go I think because I would know it isn't personal towards me. Plus giving you "credit" won't make you look better in their eyes. It might even make you look worse if they see it as you are emasculating him. I don't know if that is the parent-child dynamic of his family though.

Mari9999 · 02/11/2023 20:58

@@lawstudent212
If his mother grew up in the same culture. She quite likely experienced being viewed as the lesser contributing partner in her marriage, so on some level she probably views this as just following the traditional script. That does not mean that they are unaware of your contributions. It probably means that they just don't know and probably don't really think about stepping out of the script.

You on the other hand are younger and more insightful. Do you really need validation from 2 older people who probably don't know how to do that within their traditional parameters

What matters is that you will treat your son's wife differently , and your daughter's will be more enlightened and insightful.

Your in laws are the product of their culture and times. That is not an excuse simply an explanation. If you see no malice in these people, and if they love and treat your children well, does it really matter what they think about your household finances? Their thoughts don't impact anything related to your finances.

123andgo · 03/11/2023 00:00

Op, I earn more than my long term partner and je’s always telling our friends what a big shot I am at work. and he is not he gloating type. And he is telling his mum what amazing stuff I cooked once in a while when he is the one doing most of the work around the house these days. that is because he is not insecure and doesn’t have a problem sharing or picking up most of the house work.
If your DH doesn’t correct his parents is either because he is ashamed he is not earning more than you, or he is just a prick. You choose the tight answer, Either way I would correct the parents when assuming the house is his, that he paid for the holidays, etc. As someone else stated, they will soon stop making comments. And if they say again you’re wasting money, then I would say no more holidays or loans paid off from now on since you don’t thing I should waste my money on you or your son. Full stop.

Underappreciated786 · 03/11/2023 06:39

Honestly, let your MIL know. EACH and EVERY time she has misunderstood the position. Avoid paying for holidays and the like for your MIL, that’s DH’s responsibility. Good luck, many cultures have pain the arse MILs…

saffronsoup · 03/11/2023 06:57

This thread is so bizarre and the complete opposite of most threads where one spouse earns or pays more. The idea that the higher earning spouse needs to ensure that everyone knows what they pay for and they need to ensure no one thinks the lower earning spouse contributes more than they do, and they need to claim ownership over whatever they have paid for and not let others assume shared ownership is just a pretty massive reversal from most threads.

GreatGardenstuff · 03/11/2023 06:58

Tell the truth, each and every time. He needs to openly value and respect you and your contribution. He’s demeaning you by taking credit for work he hasn’t done.

mrshenny · 03/11/2023 07:34

I completely understand the frustration you feel, I feel like with little changes from your husband it could hugely improve things. In this situation I would talk to your husband and say how his parents make you feel and how his responses to them makes you feel. I would have him start replying as a 'we' as you are in fact a team now you are married. Just as much as him taking the credit is belittling you and not on, it's belittling to him to demand he gives you all the credit too. I repeat, you are a team, you are a we, whether you paid 20% or 100% of an asset it is shared, "Oh don't worry, we've covered the bill" "Yes, we paid off the loan". I'm a SAHM and if I came on here and said my husband was saying "actually it's my house as I pay the bills" "yes actually, I paid for that not her" people would call him an asshole. However, if these changes don't stop his parents being assholes you could have a quiet word and say you'd like them to stop belittling you as you contribute to the household as well. If they are still assholes at this point then do as you feel is necessary, if that's blurting out in a fit of rage your exact income compared to your husbands then fair enough. Just be prepared that will very likely create tensions.

shockeditellyou · 03/11/2023 07:35

unsync · 02/11/2023 17:22

Unless you are happy putting up with all of this, most probably for the rest of your life, you don't really have many choices. Speak up or leave.

This. It will take years for you to get to the point where you have had enough, and then want out. Is this the kind of marriage you want for your daughter?

Are you in control of the money? Do you have your own savings? It won’t hurt to have a little (large?) emergency fund.

frazzledasarock · 03/11/2023 07:42

Think we might be from a similar culture.

my best friend lived your life.
She’s now getting divorced, her in laws are horrified and trying to emotionally blackmail her into staying. They all know the gravy train has ended for them. As my friend was paying for their children’s education/weddings/all gifts/supporting her MIL etc.

your H is not a nice man. Speak up and say you paid.

Bunda · 03/11/2023 07:48

He is pitiful. Tell everyone one you pay for or don't pay for it!