Did you go through with leaving husband after planning ?

[Home23]

I have named changed not sure why really but I know some of my friends come on here and my username is defo a giveaway.

so where to begin 🤦‍♀️ been with my husband since 16 together 21 years and 4 children. 4 great kids oldest is at uni other 3 still at school youngest is 8.5. The issue I utterly cannot bare my husband I don’t want him to touch me, talk to me nothing, however I’m an award winning actress and never show it I just smile and keep going. I never answer back it’s not worth it, I do not argue, I do not moan. I keep the house and kids immaculate and hold down my job. I do not rely on my husband for money I never have even during maternity leave I have always covered half the bills so this is nothing to do with money.

I take full ownership of house and kids homework, clubs, school runs etc. All he has to do is attend work. When he comes home house is done, dinner made as I get in at 4 and his work clothes all ironed for the next day.

issues -
he’s very selfish I get just under 50% of our household bills a month I have to cover the rest. I cover all Christmas, easter, school clothes, kids clothes, anything for house, holidays etc . If you ask him he believes he pays for everything we eat because of him apparently.

He cannot have a conversation at all, I either agree with everything he says or it’s simply not worth it.

I had to give up all my childhood friends he didn’t like them and he does not like me going out night out etc.

he wants sex constantly even after all this time, I go through with it for an easy life.

his mother is very nasty and I’ve told him calmly I’d rather not go there only him and his sister speak with her out of 7 children. Despite this I’m made to go there and she’s said nasty things about me he doesn’t think this Is an issue.

he is racist, homophobic and nothing at all like me. Luckily my children have all followed my mindset as I’m the main parent. He has little time for the children.

he gaslights me everyday and every single thing is my fault and he’ll let me know that.

I fully plan to leave in the next 5 years, I’m saving so I’ll be able to go straight away and buy myself a home. I want nothing I don’t want half house absolutely nothing at all he can have everything. This way with the ages of the children I can then cut all contact from him which is what I need for me I’m not strong enough to deal with contact I know that.

so after that enormous ramble 🤦‍♀️ did anyone in similar situation as me go through with it and leave and how was it and are you happy now ?

I do know there will be numerous along to say why did you marry him why did you have children, why are you not leaving now etc
firstly I was a child when I met him I am a woman now my mindset is not at all the same.
i cannot leave just now because I’m far to intimidated by him I won’t have the guts. I’d need to co parent and communicate over children. Delaying avoids all of this. He would also take my children to his mothers house, where there is drugs, alcohol etc and I’d rather die than have that. Again delaying leaving avoids all this.

as for my children those who say you’re damaging them, I know my situation and I know which would be more damaging to their well-being and it would be leaving now. They’re well mannered, kind lovely children all doing well at school. They have nice a home, food and things and are well travelled. Like I say there is no arguing as I do not answer back or ever disagree so they’re not living in hell.

I keep myself going by thinking about when I do get out and having my own home. I don’t ever ever want to live with another man ever again ever. I’d be so happy just to be free.

If you got this far well done 🤣 and if this resonates with you please let me know good or bad how things worked out. And equally those who will come to tell me I’m everything under the sun for not leaving now I don’t need to hear it I can’t and I’m protecting my mental health by doing it my way.

Thanks for reading x

And all these appalling character traits and behaviour and despicable views have suddenly appeared after 21 years together?

as for my children those who say you’re damaging them, I know my situation and I know which would be more damaging to their well-being and it would be leaving now.

given your Op, I have to say - I don’t really regard your interpretation of what is best for your children as gospel an understatement

No judgement from me..
Wishing you all the strength for the future..

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be as amazing as you @Clearspring1 . I’ll ensure I pray I can be just as outstanding as you.

I literally only exist for my children I’d happily throw myself in front of a train to escape this misery.

But I have zero desire to engage with you whatsoever. I imagine you’ll come back with about 4/5 more posts to tell me what a failure I am and great for you hopefully after making me feel even lower that’ll bring you some happiness!

Thank you @Marylou62

I do not think you are a failure

I think that you are utterly kidding yourself that it’s better you and your children stay.

What does your uni age child think of their father? And the older ones?

I want nothing I don’t want half house absolutely nothing at all he can have everything. This way with the ages of the children I can then cut all contact from him which is what I need for me I’m not strong enough to deal with contact I know that.

That's not how it works!!!
Financial settlement has nothing to to with custody and contact arrangements.

You need to get smart. As in get up to speed with the divorce process and get the best settlement you can.

Read Divorce for Dummies or similar
Check out Wikivorce
Many family law firms have useful information on their websites.
Gather all financial documentation. Copy everything: bank/ investment statements, P60s, tax returns, pensions (VERY IMPORTANT! as often more valuable than home equity...), mortgage, house deeds.
See an experienced family solicitor.

I know which would be more damaging to their well-being and it would be leaving now.

No!!!
Do not wait.
Your children are being damaged by growing up in the horrible environment you describe.
Not to mention the toll this is taking on your mental health.

You need to act now. Your children and your future self will thank you.

You posted again while I wrote my (long) post.
I can see you are in a very dark place.
You must be hurting so much.💐

Oh OP, I wish you'd just leave him now! I understand it's hard though. It's awful having to force yourself to have sex with someone to keep the peace. I did it for a short while but then just couldn't stomach it any more and forced myself to sever the tie (dc was 2 at the time). It was hard as I felt extremely guilty and he kicked off and made it very difficult for around a year. I look back on that period though and think thank Christ I went through with it, I met my now dh about 8 months after the split and we've now been together 20 years and have 3 dc together. We squabble like all couples but I love him very much and he's a wonderful husband and father. And I still fancy him after 20 years!

I would just crack on with your plans to leave OP - your dc's will be fine.

5 years ago I was in a similar situation but no toxic in laws.

My dc have SEND so I was limited to earning money but I saved as much as possible about £6k.
With hindsight I should have saved twice as much.

I thought I would be co-parenting but exdp couldn't care less about our dc.

I warn you now, do not underestimate his reaction to you leaving, I did to my cost.

Exdp destroyed the house.
Smashed very appliance. Ruined all my clothes, perfume, makeup etc by pouring paint all over them.

Closed all accounts, stole savings I had, he basically did everything possible to make my life as difficult as possible even though it really impacted on our 4dc.

Hes never worked a day since we split up and has never paid a penny in maintenance. Never had all 4 dc. He rarely sees the dc now and will only see them in my house.

You don't even realise how bad your situation is right now, you will one day.

Ultimately take care of yourself and your dc.
💐

You sound ground down to me @Home23 .
Have you seen your gp? You can only put on this act for so long before you’ll be a burned out shell.
Take care of yourself as well as your dc.
I wish you strength with whatever you decide.

It's amazing you are planning to leave at all op given how little room you have to breathe at all, from 16!!
You sound like an incredible mum, no wonder your children take after you, you must have really built amazing relationships with them for that too happen.
I hope you escape as soon as you can make it happen taking into account all you know about your own strength and resources (amazing you have any left at all), your financial and emotional environment, I wish you all the strength and luck in the world. Keep your eye on the prize and don't rule out jumping sooner if you can/things change.
Wishing you peace and safety in your future.

No haven’t been to gp as I have a job which requires access to my medical files. Although legally they can’t discriminate it would affect me, and I don’t want that. I’m mentally strong I had an abusive mother and I got out at 15 and have lasted this long.

id never leave my kids ever but I think I’m just so worried about how it will all pan out. I’m such a people pleaser and it’s so draining being that person all the time.

Of course it’s not the ideal life for children I get that, but they aren’t subjected to arguing etc as I never rock the boat, so 99% of the time it’s calm. What I suffer in my head I don’t show to anyone at all. Of course they’re not stupid I know that, but they are happy kids who are doing good.

if I go right now I’d need to rent, remove them from school, gymnastics, football, drama club. He’d become nasty, difficult, abusive. He’d say things to them, I also can’t control what they’re exposed to at his families property. His family are known to police and as it stands my kids don’t have any contact with them but that would change if I left now. I also truly believe he’d drive me to a dark place I know he would.

but with my plan I’d go straight to leave and buy a house with money to cover furniture etc. I wouldn’t need maintenance etc so could cut all contact and he could contact the children himself as the oldest two will be adults and two youngest mid and late teens.

It’s not at all ideal I know that and I get so sad when I think my children haven’t seen a proper head over heels in love marriage. It wasn’t always like this because I was young and didn’t actually have anything to model it on I was surrounded by unhappy marriages, my own parents were a disaster, my grand parents both sides, aunty etc so I didn’t have the best judge of character at all. I was determined not to be like my mum so I have honestly gave my all to my kids and I’m so proud of them.

Now I’m 37 I know who I am, my morals, my opinions and I now know he does not align with me at all and he’s still that same teenager whereas I’ve grew up.

Sounds really stupid but I picture my little home how I’d have it decorated and all the little trips I’d take and it brings me real happiness it keeps me going.

I’ve been trapped my whole life and I fully accept I brought it on myself through choices I’ve made I get that I truly do. But I was just eager to think others had been in similar situations and are now thriving😊

Thank you very much this is really kind and has made me cry. But I’ll get there I just need to keep believing it 💗

OP please ignore some of the nasty comments on here. You're absolutely doing a right thing by making sure you plan your escape before making any decisions. Many people do just that because leaving suddenly without having anywhere to go or without financial planning often has more negative effects on the children then the parents not having great relationship.

You sound like a great mum and I'm sure you and the children will be fine once you're ready to make a move.

@Lili132 💗

Please stop having sex that you don't want. If you asked him to leave would he go?

No not at all, he’s a very intimidating person I’d be terrified how he react if I’m honest
So my plan is I literally want everything set up in my new home every single thing in place. Then I’d tell him and instantly go no shouting no nothing I’d leave and hopefully never have to see or communicate with him again. That’s why I’d want to do it my way as maybe for selfish reasons I feel it protects me and my mental health better. I cannot bare arguing raised voices etc I just like everything calm.

I also wouldn’t want him to know where I live so asking him to leave leaves me with so much hassle.

Honestly speak to Women's Aid, get a solicitor, set up a rental house and leave.

Yes you go for 50:50 of marital assets when you divorce though and of course maintenance via CMS.

Start living ASAP not in 5 years time!

I'm not sure seeing a relationship like this where the woman does everything and never stands up for herself, while the bloke is a selfish lying bigot who lords it about and is never contradicted, is a great model for your kids, nor harmless.

It's the model for relationships you're teaching them.

Would you want your daughters enduring a man like this in their future?
Would you want your sons to treat their partners like this in theirs?

You're being emotionally, financially and sexually abused.

Please don't think you can't leave for 5yrs.

Start looking for rentals now, you need to be free of him.

You are so strong! I just want you to understand that to stay there and tolerate this takes a very strong person. You will be able to do this!

While you're planning this, get yourself your personal bank accounts that he doesn't know about at a different bank to his so that they can't accidentally send him something. Also get yourself a PO Box snd have your mail sent there.

If the house you save up for to buy and your pension is not worth more than the house you're currently in then you likely could do this without losing any of your assets in the final divorce settlement. It's only if you are worth more financially than him that it becomes problematic.

Make sure you know what his assets are (savings, pensions) so that you can make that offer "what's in your name stays in your name, what's in my name stays in my name. You keep that house, I'll keep mine".

AS SOON as you move out, start the divorce proceedings. Get a solicitor and leave it all up to them.

You can do this!

You've been abused your whole life. Your mum til 15 then DH took over.

You sound very strong and brave. But objectively, the chances are your thought processes are not healthy. How can they be after enduring so much abuse. If you can seek some support , therapy, you may be able to reframe some of your thoughts and beliefs.

Until then, none of our statements about how staying IS harming your children and yourself wlll penetrate your mind.

Thank you 💗 I’ve got my own bank account and pensions set up. And as soon as I leave I would start the divorce straight away.