Did you go through with leaving husband after planning ?

[Home23]

I have named changed not sure why really but I know some of my friends come on here and my username is defo a giveaway.

so where to begin 🤦‍♀️ been with my husband since 16 together 21 years and 4 children. 4 great kids oldest is at uni other 3 still at school youngest is 8.5. The issue I utterly cannot bare my husband I don’t want him to touch me, talk to me nothing, however I’m an award winning actress and never show it I just smile and keep going. I never answer back it’s not worth it, I do not argue, I do not moan. I keep the house and kids immaculate and hold down my job. I do not rely on my husband for money I never have even during maternity leave I have always covered half the bills so this is nothing to do with money.

I take full ownership of house and kids homework, clubs, school runs etc. All he has to do is attend work. When he comes home house is done, dinner made as I get in at 4 and his work clothes all ironed for the next day.

issues -
he’s very selfish I get just under 50% of our household bills a month I have to cover the rest. I cover all Christmas, easter, school clothes, kids clothes, anything for house, holidays etc . If you ask him he believes he pays for everything we eat because of him apparently.

He cannot have a conversation at all, I either agree with everything he says or it’s simply not worth it.

I had to give up all my childhood friends he didn’t like them and he does not like me going out night out etc.

he wants sex constantly even after all this time, I go through with it for an easy life.

his mother is very nasty and I’ve told him calmly I’d rather not go there only him and his sister speak with her out of 7 children. Despite this I’m made to go there and she’s said nasty things about me he doesn’t think this Is an issue.

he is racist, homophobic and nothing at all like me. Luckily my children have all followed my mindset as I’m the main parent. He has little time for the children.

he gaslights me everyday and every single thing is my fault and he’ll let me know that.

I fully plan to leave in the next 5 years, I’m saving so I’ll be able to go straight away and buy myself a home. I want nothing I don’t want half house absolutely nothing at all he can have everything. This way with the ages of the children I can then cut all contact from him which is what I need for me I’m not strong enough to deal with contact I know that.

so after that enormous ramble 🤦‍♀️ did anyone in similar situation as me go through with it and leave and how was it and are you happy now ?

I do know there will be numerous along to say why did you marry him why did you have children, why are you not leaving now etc
firstly I was a child when I met him I am a woman now my mindset is not at all the same.
i cannot leave just now because I’m far to intimidated by him I won’t have the guts. I’d need to co parent and communicate over children. Delaying avoids all of this. He would also take my children to his mothers house, where there is drugs, alcohol etc and I’d rather die than have that. Again delaying leaving avoids all this.

as for my children those who say you’re damaging them, I know my situation and I know which would be more damaging to their well-being and it would be leaving now. They’re well mannered, kind lovely children all doing well at school. They have nice a home, food and things and are well travelled. Like I say there is no arguing as I do not answer back or ever disagree so they’re not living in hell.

I keep myself going by thinking about when I do get out and having my own home. I don’t ever ever want to live with another man ever again ever. I’d be so happy just to be free.

If you got this far well done 🤣 and if this resonates with you please let me know good or bad how things worked out. And equally those who will come to tell me I’m everything under the sun for not leaving now I don’t need to hear it I can’t and I’m protecting my mental health by doing it my way.

Thanks for reading x

Thank you, yes this is exactly it I don’t want any stress so would happily walk away with a £5 if needs be.

I do earn enough that within two years I could majorly turn everything back round for myself. I just want simplicity that’s it but there is a divorce where it can be done without financial settlement and I am confident that will be the route. He would never come after a females money he’d see that as pathetic and beneath him and wouldn’t do it for those reasons. But like I say if he says a word I’d give him it all.

To put it into ear context he is the kind of man who’d burn the house down with me in it.

I have extremely valid reasons for not leaving now. My children have no idea about half of this or sex etc and never ever will.
You said I turn my head to racism etc that’s simply not true hence why my children correct their father if he makes any comments in that manner. And I’ve extensively explained above my children are intelligent and know how to treat people of that I’m confident of.

If was so easy to go then I’d have done it, my situation isn’t the same as those who are saying go right now.

How can my children possibly be happy moving from a beautiful big house to something not great. Loosing all their friends, school, routine, clubs etc I cannot see one positive. My children are extremely well behaved, polite and kind and I have zero concerns over any of the 4 of them. My adult son smashed his exams is at university has a car and lovely girlfriend whom he treats well and he treats me like a queen. So I cannot see what terrible terrible life they’re living.

They are warm, stable, fed and loved beyond words from me. So the two oldest are thriving two youngest are doing fine so having a dad who’s a twat I don’t think it will ruin their entire life. Surely they’d be struggling to sleep, struggling at school, struggling at sports etc if life was so awful.

Would it better if they had a mum and dad who were in blissful matrimony of course it would. But they’re definitely not suffering or hard done by.

Regardless of your profession, your finances etc, he makes you very unhappy. You should think about you and your kids and leave him with his nasty family. There is life after a relationship. I would leave and think about the bright future without his crap in your life.

This exactly this! My children would be manipulated solely to punish me ! No thank you. People who have no idea what being married to absolute psycho is like have no idea that the alternative would bring myself and kids more misery than they could possibly get their head round.

I know my kids I know they’ve a great life and in future they will never hear anything nasty from me about him or that I stayed for you guys etc nothing like that would be said. They’ll simply be told we’ve grew apart that’s it, no nastiness from me ever.

I think you’re estimating your children and indeed children in general Op. What they are aware of. Especially teens / uni student age

named changed for this …..

So I did pretty much exactly what you want to do except I didn’t have enough money to buy a house. But I saved up so I had enough to be able to pay deposit and rent a really nice place. I was earning plenty so I could pay the rent and still do nice things and child could still have a good quality of life. I know exactly what you are doing ….. I literally developed the ability to ‘live two lives’ one in reality and one in my head which made it all bearable. I used to look at my husband when he was being utterly impossible and I knew he was spoiling for a fight (which I simply would not do) and think fuck you whilst having a smile on my face and agreeing that he was right I was wrong. My husband was not as overtly awful as yours but was also deluded as to how much he financially contributed. I will never forget on one of the brief occasions I had contact with him afterwards that he hit the roof when he realised how much it costs a month to run the house. Because I didn’t pay the mortgage but paid for everything else, he seemingly had no fucking idea that I was paying more than him! I left a list on the side with all the service providers and ceased all payments as I left.

I didn’t tell him I was leaving. I took the day off work, packed my clothes and left a note.

Everyone was stunned. I told no one. I left when my child was old enough to pretty much be able to see his dad independently - a major factor due me as it meant there was no arguing over contact. My child chose

The divorce only took time because ex refused to engage in it. He was apologetic that I left but as I asked for NOTHING ….. he couldn’t stop the divorce 😊

i am ridiculously happy now (& most surprisingly married!!) I met the most wonderful man.

I don’t think for one minute they think everything is rosey what so ever. My oldest son and myself have spoke and he’s absolutely fine and supports me. But they don’t live in chaos there’s no alcohol no shouting etc I keep busy upstairs etc it’s a decent size house so it’s calm 99% of the time. I know how to play the game to keep
everything good.

Growing Up I was battered daily, she had numerous men into the house. Frequently left me for 3 days at a time to care for my brother and sister I was 12/13. I ran the house from early teens. That’s traumatic, having a dad who says stupid things and which they instantly know is stupid is not in my opinion going to destroy their lives I don’t.

I wish you all the best. Remember there are many on here who can also give you advice on how they got their "ducks in a row" and organisation you can get support from. Hoping the next few years fly in for you

I needed this thank you for taking time to reply to me I really appreciate it 💗

I read it and felt I could have written it, this is what I do have two mindsets and I never falter. Don’t argue answer back etc just stay so calm and smile while thinking in my head exactly what you did.

I am so glad you’re happy now 💗

Thank you very much 💗

You poor thing. I hope you get away from that dreadful man, that's all I can say. Men like that need to come with a warning. I hope he remains single after you're gone.

Please speak to Women's Aid @Home23 , they can help you with all of your questions. Especially join the forum on the website and speak to survivors about their experiences, they are incredibly supportive!

Get an appointment booked with a specialist family solicitor and take a list of your concerns with you.

Please don't rely on him not going after your savings, an angry abuser will do anything to make your life difficult when you leave. PPs are correct that savings built during the course of your marriage will be taken into consideration during your divorce.

Perhaps start a thread in "Legal" there are some wonderful (qualified) posters who are generous enough to help with advice on there.

Good luck lovely, stay strong, keep moving forward and enjoy "decorating" your new home in your head until you are there in real life 💐

Your youngest will be about 13 years old if you stick to the plan. Have you considered how you'd be able to advance warn him of what's to come without your H knowing? I can only see there would have to be either collusion between you - not a healthy thing to be roping them into- or you give him the same shock and tell him and change his life as it happens.
I have a notion to avoid the above - and disruption to GCSE's- you will end up putting it off. Then come A-levels involving another 2 year delay. You could be looking at around 10 years in the future, can you really tolerate sex with someone you can't stand for that long? The way you feel about him it's tantamount to being frequently sexually abused, you would not be going along with it if there was no fear and coersion, which is appalling, there is a word for men who do that.
I hope your contraception is watertight, or he's had the snip, as if he gets a hint of your plan, he could attempt to keep you around via another pregnancy - a tactic he may have already used in the past, you must of been quite young when you had your first.
Its sad, because he has basically kept you prisoner by not 'allowing' you to go out.
Please don't be tempted to extend the time frame when your son gets to 13. I think that you should perhaps reconsider not claiming half the house value, it's cutting off your nose to spite your face, I doubt it will do much to placate your H and it is a fortune to lose, money that could assist your son's life in the future.
I'd go for renting initially while the divorce goes through so that it's easier to move if necessary, should he find out where you live. Then buy in a place of your chosing having taken half the equity- which is your right as a minimum, you've even paid for it! You will have a lot more choice and option of where to live with money behind you, regardless of trying to not see it as important, it is, and you could still break contact as cleanly after.
I wish you well.

I will definitely do this, after reading everyone’s replies its sensible I speak to a solicitor so I’ll do that to make sure everything is smooth as possible.

Thank you for being kind 💗

A couple things to think about ….. just because I did.

i knew my husband would be raging that I left ….. not because he loved me he just thought he did but more on a ‘how dare she’ and an unconquerable believe that he’s knows best so to start with I moved into a really nice penthouse flat. With a private parking with big electronic gates so you can’t get to the front door unless you can get through the gates. If you manage to tailgate in, you’ve still got to get through the front entrance - again on a buzzer so it meant he literally couldn’t come and push his way to see me to berate me about how shit I was and how great he was.

infirm all services, gas, electricity, phone you are going and give notice so you don’t get stuck with the bills. Most importantly tell the mortgage company you have moved out and that you do not authorise any further borrowing on the house. You are still liable for the mortgage but unless he’s a complete lunatic, your husband will not want to loose the asset.

For all those that say that the husband can claim the op savings and any house deposit etc it works both ways. So unless op you have no equity in your house and your husband earns nothing and has no pension, just tell him to fuck off or you’ll come after half of everything of ‘his’ too. And child maintenance.

good luck

just get to the stage where you know that your kids can’t be used as pawns and can stage what they want and why and then go

And yes my child was shocked not least because I had to collect him from school and took him to a new flat but most of his stuff was there and I just calmly explained that I could not live with daddy anymore but that he would see him as often as he liked. I absolutely made sure they could choose what contact they had with husband and so they were fine.

i know you say he won’t come after you financially and this may be true, but his solicitor will. They are paid to get the best deal for their client so even if he’s not fussed his solicitor will take everything he can get.

Thank you to everyone that has replied I appreciate it. I will definitely speak with a solicitor and I’m going to look into a few things people have suggested.

Yes, I did, just a year ago. Without the level of preparation you have.

the first few months were an absolute horror, but he has mostly settled down. The kids are mid teens and have increasingly little to do with him- because he is a bollox to be around.

The freedom is wonderful, I feel so good.

Clearspring - Move along a#shole. Totally unhelpful

Op. No advice. But you sound very capable and a really good mum. Best of luck. I really hope everything works out for you❤️

Good luck.

I have not read the full thread but I think planning is a great idea.
I know what you are going through.

Honestly it would be better for you to leave now but it is bloody hard co parenting with someone who wants to destroy you so I do get your reasoning. It’s hard to pass small kids over to a man/ family you don’t trust.

keep being an excellent mum and planning as saving OP!

when you do leave do take the money to you due though!

OP - I get waiting until the right time. And doing what you think is best for the kids - even if it means you are numb inside. I did all of that myself.
My divorce was a hell for a while. I barely made it. But I survived and we are all OK now.

I will just say - do not assume you know what he'll be like when you finally decide to leave. It will not go the way you are hoping/planning.

He WILL NOT just let you go and live your life in a place purchased with savings.

You need to mentally prepare for a fight.

Do not be silly saying you'll leave it all to him. You think this will avoid it being difficult, but it won't. And - it won't work.

You will need to go through a formal process of disclosing financial information - both of you. And a judge will have to sign off on financial agreement between you - and with kids involved, a judge won't sign on an agreement that doesn't appear fair and balanced. Say - if he were to have 70% of all assets - a judge would send it back to rework (Happened to a friend whose H tried to force it on her)

So - if you are going to divorce - do it properly. You will need to find your courage and strength by the time you act. You won't be able to just leave and never see him.
Sorry

Hey OP.

You sound very brave.

Is he violent? Is he emotionally abusive or physically abusive, is he capable of that and that's why you always agree and do everything he says? When you said he would burn down the house with you in it, what did you mean?

If some of these things apply one thing to discuss with a solicitor is potentially a restraining order. There are a lot of posters saying that you will have to have contact with him but it's worth exploring whether there are valid reasons as to why you shouldn't have to.

Hope you are ok.

A teenager’s point of view:

My dad was (still is) ego-centric, quick to anger, gaslights, argues black is white even everyone else knows that’s not what happened, has zero eye of mind to see how other people might feel, has all his laundry, cooking (twice a day), and cleaning done by others whilst I’ve never seen him even touch a hoover, and yet he thinks he’s a great guy. He does food shopping nearly every day (he could just write a list and go once a week) but gets to treat these little trips like his massive contribution to household chores. He sees everything as “his”. Nothing in the household happens without his approval. My mum can’t travel if he says “you won’t go”.

My mum is the type who never argues back, even we all know she’s right, but my dad just bulldozes her mentally and she says things like “it doesn’t matter” and gives up the debate to keep the peace. It was pathetic to watch. It made me resent her. I wanted to shake her and scream why aren’t you divorcing him, we could be happy, I rather live in a ditch than pretend happy families. She genuinely thought that keeping the nice house and family together was worth it. I love them both but also resent and hate their excuses.

I performed well in school, had hobbies, went on to have a great career. I was polite and had friends. I told my mum I was fine, but I wasn’t. Every time she was a doormat it filled me with rage and injustice. She was a bad example, and modelled women’s oppression. I obviously hated my dad for what he was like, but it did take me by surprise how much I resented my mum for burying her head. My sibling is equally damaged by this.

And even to day my mum’s still the same, and now I’m having to challenge my dad every fucking time he does it again, and guess what, she tells me “that’s enough now”. Her need for peace and hushed voices is greater than a need for justice or love for her own kids, because if she had really ever looked at it from our point of view, she would have understood the damage she was doing by being a pushover and enabler. And then I still feel so guilty because she’s also a victim of control.

I often think about my parents, just yesterday actually. I feel they could’ve just done so much better if separated, instead of thinking the kids are so oblivious to what’s happening and mummy’s mitigating, so it’s not deeply damaging to them. I would have loved to see my mum blow up, shout and put her foot down. Instead she let all the stupidity, gaslighting and walking on eggshells become normalised. It’s kind of offensive that she thought we didn’t have a clue, but I knew much, much more than she realised. People like my dad and your husband aren’t really bothered by the kids hearing them snapping, outbursts, and inability to hear anything contradictory to his liking, because they think they’re so right, and allowing kids to hear it isn’t their problem, especially when wifey agrees in the end. It was horrendous to watch, and if I called him out, he’d lash at me. Then there were the times I wasn’t around seeing it, but I knew it had happened yet again. It was the pretentious carry on as if nothing had just happened, her fake smile, my dad’s twitch of an eyebrow, odd conversation dynamics or silence whilst pretending to do read a newspaper, that gave them away.

Kids, especially the younger ones, don’t give flying fucks whether you’re a home owner or a renter 😤 and if they need mum-taxi to hobbies, buy a car and do it.