Did you go through with leaving husband after planning ?

[Home23]

I have named changed not sure why really but I know some of my friends come on here and my username is defo a giveaway.

so where to begin 🤦‍♀️ been with my husband since 16 together 21 years and 4 children. 4 great kids oldest is at uni other 3 still at school youngest is 8.5. The issue I utterly cannot bare my husband I don’t want him to touch me, talk to me nothing, however I’m an award winning actress and never show it I just smile and keep going. I never answer back it’s not worth it, I do not argue, I do not moan. I keep the house and kids immaculate and hold down my job. I do not rely on my husband for money I never have even during maternity leave I have always covered half the bills so this is nothing to do with money.

I take full ownership of house and kids homework, clubs, school runs etc. All he has to do is attend work. When he comes home house is done, dinner made as I get in at 4 and his work clothes all ironed for the next day.

issues -
he’s very selfish I get just under 50% of our household bills a month I have to cover the rest. I cover all Christmas, easter, school clothes, kids clothes, anything for house, holidays etc . If you ask him he believes he pays for everything we eat because of him apparently.

He cannot have a conversation at all, I either agree with everything he says or it’s simply not worth it.

I had to give up all my childhood friends he didn’t like them and he does not like me going out night out etc.

he wants sex constantly even after all this time, I go through with it for an easy life.

his mother is very nasty and I’ve told him calmly I’d rather not go there only him and his sister speak with her out of 7 children. Despite this I’m made to go there and she’s said nasty things about me he doesn’t think this Is an issue.

he is racist, homophobic and nothing at all like me. Luckily my children have all followed my mindset as I’m the main parent. He has little time for the children.

he gaslights me everyday and every single thing is my fault and he’ll let me know that.

I fully plan to leave in the next 5 years, I’m saving so I’ll be able to go straight away and buy myself a home. I want nothing I don’t want half house absolutely nothing at all he can have everything. This way with the ages of the children I can then cut all contact from him which is what I need for me I’m not strong enough to deal with contact I know that.

so after that enormous ramble 🤦‍♀️ did anyone in similar situation as me go through with it and leave and how was it and are you happy now ?

I do know there will be numerous along to say why did you marry him why did you have children, why are you not leaving now etc
firstly I was a child when I met him I am a woman now my mindset is not at all the same.
i cannot leave just now because I’m far to intimidated by him I won’t have the guts. I’d need to co parent and communicate over children. Delaying avoids all of this. He would also take my children to his mothers house, where there is drugs, alcohol etc and I’d rather die than have that. Again delaying leaving avoids all this.

as for my children those who say you’re damaging them, I know my situation and I know which would be more damaging to their well-being and it would be leaving now. They’re well mannered, kind lovely children all doing well at school. They have nice a home, food and things and are well travelled. Like I say there is no arguing as I do not answer back or ever disagree so they’re not living in hell.

I keep myself going by thinking about when I do get out and having my own home. I don’t ever ever want to live with another man ever again ever. I’d be so happy just to be free.

If you got this far well done 🤣 and if this resonates with you please let me know good or bad how things worked out. And equally those who will come to tell me I’m everything under the sun for not leaving now I don’t need to hear it I can’t and I’m protecting my mental health by doing it my way.

Thanks for reading x

They actually did come across as bullies!

Perception varies. I think it's a bit of a shame cos op quotes someone who had already tried to withdraw part of what they had said. She's not obliged to accept that of course.

@Lili132

many posters on this thread have powerfully tried to convey to the op how this will be impacting her children. And many of them are doing this because they grew up around such a marriage. And I suppose - they feel desperately sad at the prospect of the op having no intention of leaving for half a decade

You are the biggest bully on here, you are a vile nasty human and would get on wonderfully with my husband.

I asked you before to leave me alone I’ll ask again go away !! You win well done 👏 yayy for you. Go away !

I have read all your replies and I agree you should be ashamed. I would never want a friend like you, you seem to have a real nasty side.

when someone is feeling suicidal and you come on with your nasty little digs just shows unhappy you are in your life. I am appalled you’ve kept going what’s your end goal here ? To push someone to the end ?

poster definitely go for that advice get everything in place and go live that life you want. You will heal, those kids will be absolutely fine with a mum like you. I wish you all the best, do not doubt yourself either. Head high follow through and in the end you’ll have your peace.

but my end goal was to try to make the op realise that all her delusions about the incredibly happy childhood her children were having and so she’d remain with him for another 5 years, was just that… delusions

i will bow out

and no point going to a solicitor now and saying you’re planning on leaving him in five years. They will say - circumstances can change so will be a waste of money

Just couldn’t resist your last little kick could you. And I’d never take advice or parenting advice from someone like you ever. I pray you now leave me alone.

Oh yeah because calling someone a fool, telling them to "crack on with their fantasy" and blaming them for damaging their children who will apparently 100% become like their dad is a matter of perspective! Only someone with very little emotional intelligence would think that talking like that is fine to someone who already feels extremely low, who clearly cares about her children and is vulnerable enough to ask for advice.
It's not helpful at all.

@Home23 Please don't leave your post. You are helping those who don't dare post and express what they are living.

Many of us relate to your plan - and pain. I suspect it seems so torturous for many, and unlivable to those who have lived it and are out of it.

But I won't ever ever judge you for your chose. Just get some legal advice at least please.

And don't stop posting.

Thank you 💗 she’s upset me no end. The very first two comments are nasty ones from her. I have no idea why she feels the need to upset a stranger so badly.

I feel really sad reading this thread. Is your husband violent OP? You mentioned he would burn down the house with you in it.

I do think there are posters that are not speaking to you in a helpful way and are being cutting and unkind when you are already struggling.

I think you are in an almost impossible situation. The only thing I would say is that you have to try and talk to your solicitor about the reality of leaving him at different points in time.

If he is so terrifying that you are not able to leave then in theory, you should be able to get a restraining order and he should only have supervised contact. So that would achieve your end goal much sooner than in five years time.

However I know that it's not always straightforward to collect evidence of abuse and get these orders granted. I know there are a lot of women with abusive ex partners who left and now have to watch their ex mistreat their children during 50 50 custody as they weren't able to prove his behaviour. So you are in a very difficult situation. But trying to at least discuss it with a solicitor will be really helpful and I know you've said you're going to do that.

The only thing I would say is that I had a mother who was in a not dissimilar situation to you. She stayed. When I was young I thought she stayed because she was financially dependent on him. When she inherited a lot of money I was still fairly young and I asked her to leave him and for us to move somewhere together without him. He was scary and violent. But she had the financial means. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't. She had developed mental health issues which severely worsened as the years went by and she became violent in response to him and then eventually towards me too. The abuse had worn her down so much she really became a different person and quite a scary person in her own right. I left in my late teens and haven't spoken to them for decades now. As far as I know from distant relatives, she is still with him.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, I'm just saying that sometimes you can't predict the future. You don't know for certain how this is impacting your mental health, how your physical health may develop, or what your children's private thoughts about the situation really is. I don't want to be unkind. But just to think through all of the eventualities that could play out over the next five years. Good luck with everything, I really wish you the best.

Hope you are doing ok.

Sending you all the strength OP.