Did you go through with leaving husband after planning ?

[Home23]

I have named changed not sure why really but I know some of my friends come on here and my username is defo a giveaway.

so where to begin 🤦‍♀️ been with my husband since 16 together 21 years and 4 children. 4 great kids oldest is at uni other 3 still at school youngest is 8.5. The issue I utterly cannot bare my husband I don’t want him to touch me, talk to me nothing, however I’m an award winning actress and never show it I just smile and keep going. I never answer back it’s not worth it, I do not argue, I do not moan. I keep the house and kids immaculate and hold down my job. I do not rely on my husband for money I never have even during maternity leave I have always covered half the bills so this is nothing to do with money.

I take full ownership of house and kids homework, clubs, school runs etc. All he has to do is attend work. When he comes home house is done, dinner made as I get in at 4 and his work clothes all ironed for the next day.

issues -
he’s very selfish I get just under 50% of our household bills a month I have to cover the rest. I cover all Christmas, easter, school clothes, kids clothes, anything for house, holidays etc . If you ask him he believes he pays for everything we eat because of him apparently.

He cannot have a conversation at all, I either agree with everything he says or it’s simply not worth it.

I had to give up all my childhood friends he didn’t like them and he does not like me going out night out etc.

he wants sex constantly even after all this time, I go through with it for an easy life.

his mother is very nasty and I’ve told him calmly I’d rather not go there only him and his sister speak with her out of 7 children. Despite this I’m made to go there and she’s said nasty things about me he doesn’t think this Is an issue.

he is racist, homophobic and nothing at all like me. Luckily my children have all followed my mindset as I’m the main parent. He has little time for the children.

he gaslights me everyday and every single thing is my fault and he’ll let me know that.

I fully plan to leave in the next 5 years, I’m saving so I’ll be able to go straight away and buy myself a home. I want nothing I don’t want half house absolutely nothing at all he can have everything. This way with the ages of the children I can then cut all contact from him which is what I need for me I’m not strong enough to deal with contact I know that.

so after that enormous ramble 🤦‍♀️ did anyone in similar situation as me go through with it and leave and how was it and are you happy now ?

I do know there will be numerous along to say why did you marry him why did you have children, why are you not leaving now etc
firstly I was a child when I met him I am a woman now my mindset is not at all the same.
i cannot leave just now because I’m far to intimidated by him I won’t have the guts. I’d need to co parent and communicate over children. Delaying avoids all of this. He would also take my children to his mothers house, where there is drugs, alcohol etc and I’d rather die than have that. Again delaying leaving avoids all this.

as for my children those who say you’re damaging them, I know my situation and I know which would be more damaging to their well-being and it would be leaving now. They’re well mannered, kind lovely children all doing well at school. They have nice a home, food and things and are well travelled. Like I say there is no arguing as I do not answer back or ever disagree so they’re not living in hell.

I keep myself going by thinking about when I do get out and having my own home. I don’t ever ever want to live with another man ever again ever. I’d be so happy just to be free.

If you got this far well done 🤣 and if this resonates with you please let me know good or bad how things worked out. And equally those who will come to tell me I’m everything under the sun for not leaving now I don’t need to hear it I can’t and I’m protecting my mental health by doing it my way.

Thanks for reading x

a book I recommend to you is - Should I stay or should I go? Lundy Bancroft, you could get it on kindle on your phone if that is safer.

There is nothing in there about pressuring you to leave now or on anyone else’s timeline, but about protecting yourself emotionally and quietly while you prepare to leave

I do understand what you are saying but despite it all I am actually not totally unhinged. I’m also aware with the children etc but with only having snippets everyone automatically thinks leaving right now would be better.
The kids all have their own rooms, love their clubs and friends and schools leaving all that would destroy them. At home there is no shouting screaming etc I have it a calm environment. I have addressed above that of course it’s not perfect as to the relationship dynamic. However being the lead carer from day one my children are not at all like him they are kind, not racist, narrow minded etc. I have discussions with them about everything from politics to current affairs they’re intelligent little people.

I have also ensured they know how to treat people friends, partners. I’ve explained to them about respect about equality and by the grace of god it’s worked. Every parent night I go myself always have and told my children are such kind people so somethings gone right with them. I have a good routine for them snd with his work their clubs a lot of it is crossover with him and kids. My oldest is an adult and he’s an absolute gentleman and treats his lovely girlfriend very well. So although I may have failed in some sense I believe they’ve absorbed the correct way to treat people. My girls are strong and confident and I don’t believe either would put up with this and huge difference they’d have me I’ve had no one I am my person whereas I’ll always be theirs.

Lastly leaving now means private renting which I don’t want and I don’t want to claim benefits etc (not because I think I’m too good for that not at all, I just want to buy like I plan and support my youngest two off my wages) which I could.

My oldest son treats me like a queen so if in future they all turn on me and think I did wrong then I’ll have to deal with that. But I’m hope they’ll be well rounded enough to see it for what it was.

Thank you I will definitely get this I love to read 😊

You clearly are a strong woman and you have thought about this very carefully and in depth. You have built up an idea of a future life without his presence or input, an almost idyllic setup where you never have to see him or interact with him ever again.

I fear, unfortunately, that this may not be entirely realistic. I urge you, before you commit yourself to another 5 years of torture, to at least have a one time consultation with an experienced family solicitor.

Just so you understand the law and the divorce process, and what is feasible or not, as well as any legal actions your husband might be able to take to jeopardise your plans.

I would make sure you speak to Women’s Aid and seek legal advice as soon as you can.
My immediate thought on reading about you saving and your pension is that the longer you stay, the more of this your husband will be entitled to. Of course he may have his own, and so that will cancel each other out, so to speak, but basically you are saving from marital assets and your pension is a marital asset whilst you are still married. You need to make sure you are as financially protected as possible.

You need legal advice now.

It all sounds like a plan that you buy your own house but the reality is it would be an asset of the marriage.

You need proper advice on what your financial settlement would look like before you potentially waste your time and money

This is very true - you may wish to walk away and let him have the house or whatever else - but he may well go after assets you accrue during the marriage.

He wouldn’t come after anything that way and likewise I want nothing nothing at all. I have worked so hard at work and done a masters alongside to ensure I’ll always be able to look after myself money wise. I believe 100% it would be as simple as a divorce I’d let him have house and what’s mine is mine and vice versa. I don’t foresee any issues with money he’ll be delighted to be left with this house. I need anything I’ll build everything back up and I’m saving hard just now.

You need to be really careful. If you build up savings enough to buy a house while you're still married, these would be assets of the marriage and he would be able to make a claim on them. You really need to get some legal advice, and think about divorce before you buy your own place.

Please get legal advice. The man you described sounds volatile and reactive, and it's in your interests to prepare yourself for all eventualities

I think you're deluding yourself.

I don't see a man whose personal narrative is that he pays for everything, is going to cheerfully accept his personal skivvy & emotional punchbag walking away and buying a house of her own and not think it's out of his money and off his back.

You only get one life.
Don't waste 5 years of it living in deception (because that's what it is, you're lying to yourself and your children). You think your children don't know what's going on - ask anyone here who lived with parents that hated each other but put 'on a united front' for the kids. It's horrible.

Ask yourself what your actions now are teaching your children for the future.
That you should just put up and shut up?
That you should be forced into having sex?
That you turn a blind eye to racism/homophobia?
That you're a pushover?
That no matter how unhappy you can't do anything about it because of kids? Essentially you're blaming them for staying.

I left with a baby. My DD was 1. Exh is ok now but was VILE for a year or so. Still has moments. We only had our house no other assets. We sold up and split it in half. If he ever tried to take more it would have ended up in court. The laws protect you. That's why they exist. I planned for all of 3 weeks. Just found the opportunity after a particularly bad incident that only highlighted we shouldn't be together. Because shit only gets worse.

I understand you want to wait but 5 years will probably kill your spirit and everything that keeps you going if its already this bad now.

You've got this. You sound like a brilliant woman, but don't let your brilliance be broken down till you're just a shell of yourself. You deserve better. If anything, do it FOR your kids.

Read up on divorce separation especially the things other posters have suggested.

You've got this.

He won’t be told that he’ll be told I’m moving out that’s it. He’ll be left with a 5 bedroom detached house which is worth way more than we bought it for. I know him he will absolutely be fine with that he will definitely not come after anything financially. If he does no issues can have every single thing.

I am not stressed about money at all genuinely, I understand we need it to survive but being on my own is priceless I mean if when I say I wouldn’t care if I left with my handbag. I can earn it all back again in time.

I think you are underestimating how much he is going to hate you when you leave and how much he thinks you, the kids and all the money are his property.

It's all very well saying he won't come after the money but that's just not human nature.

A controlling man who has lost control- he's going to want 'his' assets back.

Like I say that’s fine I know he’ll be satisfied to be left with the house. He knows deep down he doesn’t even cover half the bills in this house. I take the hit financially always have. As above if he did I wouldn’t fight I’d give him every single thing I have zero care for money. I just want mental peace that’s it and that doesn’t cost anything. I earn well so could build myself back up in a few years so I genuinely am not worried about that.

And yes I know how evil he will be hence he won’t know where I live have no way to contact me when I go. And with zero fights from me about money assets etc there’s not much else he can come for.

Can you buy a house in your sons name? And then "buy him out" after leaving.

I stayed 21 years. I waited for him to leave me. Him having an affair would hasten things as it did for mine. I have no sympathy for her, she knew he was married with kids.

10 years ago I would have said honestly, leave now. But I got to see how hard it is via my friend when you try to co-parent with someone who constantly does things to piss you off and the only way to do it is through the children. Christmas day with their Dad? Yes, so boxing day with their Mum. The children excitedly told him about their second Christmas dinner with their Mum so he took them to MacDonalds 20 minutes before dropping them back ensuring they were too full to enjoy any food.

He let them stay up as late as they wanted, never brushed their teeth, never did any of their homework with them which meant they had to do it at home with their Mum so he was always fun Dad and she was the you must do your homework. Financially he avoided paying child support as much as possible, changed jobs so his attachment of earnings would stop.

So I get it, he weaponised the children.

It's not a question of him being told, tho - while you're married, he has a claim on your savings, any property you buy, your pension etc.

So you move out to a house you've bought, whether you tell him you're going or doing it or not - he owns part of it.

You might be right that he'd be satisfied with keeping the family home. But I wouldn't bet on it.

A controlling man losing control of his partner does not tend to be reasonable nor grateful for getting a fair share of the marital assets, or even a majority share. Anything you have is likely to be seen as something you're taking from him.

@Home23 it can't hurt to just speak to a solicitor? I'm worried that when it comes to a financial settlement where you hand over your rights to the current house any new home of yours, plus any savings has to be declared and he subsequently gets your address plus a new way of abusing you.
You don't necessarily need to change your plans, just get a decent idea of any exposure and how to avoid it.

I may just leave rent for the first year let all the madness settle and then I’ll buy. I know him well enough to know the money side is not who his style. He won’t be interested in my savings pensions I know this. But equally I don’t care it’s just money.

And I’ve prayed for an affair as would make things so easy, but I don’t see it unfortunately he’s very anti cheating.

I am glad you’re finally free now 😊

I’ll do this thank you 😊

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You will start life over but you and your children will be so much happier for it.

As someone else said, get up to speed with the divorce process.

Anything sentimental, start storing it away.

In terms of finances, do you perhaps feel this way because you just want to cut all ties / are beyond fed up? In years to come, you may be glad you kept half. I'm sure your solicitor will advise.

With this in mind, could you also separate sooner?

You've got this and you can do it.

I feel your pain 🩵🤍

Have a look at Form E - I think that's what is called. It's a form about financials that both parties have to fill in as part of the divorce process. AFAIK it's very detailed.

Like I say if that happened which I’m 99% sure it would not. He would come for me every other way not financially . But if he did he could have every single thing pensions, savings, bank account I’m not lying when I say I truly don’t care I just don’t.

By doing that would mean that situation was instantly resolved it would be worth it.

Easy to say when it's five years away in your mind.