Did you go through with leaving husband after planning ?

[Home23]

I have named changed not sure why really but I know some of my friends come on here and my username is defo a giveaway.

so where to begin 🤦‍♀️ been with my husband since 16 together 21 years and 4 children. 4 great kids oldest is at uni other 3 still at school youngest is 8.5. The issue I utterly cannot bare my husband I don’t want him to touch me, talk to me nothing, however I’m an award winning actress and never show it I just smile and keep going. I never answer back it’s not worth it, I do not argue, I do not moan. I keep the house and kids immaculate and hold down my job. I do not rely on my husband for money I never have even during maternity leave I have always covered half the bills so this is nothing to do with money.

I take full ownership of house and kids homework, clubs, school runs etc. All he has to do is attend work. When he comes home house is done, dinner made as I get in at 4 and his work clothes all ironed for the next day.

issues -
he’s very selfish I get just under 50% of our household bills a month I have to cover the rest. I cover all Christmas, easter, school clothes, kids clothes, anything for house, holidays etc . If you ask him he believes he pays for everything we eat because of him apparently.

He cannot have a conversation at all, I either agree with everything he says or it’s simply not worth it.

I had to give up all my childhood friends he didn’t like them and he does not like me going out night out etc.

he wants sex constantly even after all this time, I go through with it for an easy life.

his mother is very nasty and I’ve told him calmly I’d rather not go there only him and his sister speak with her out of 7 children. Despite this I’m made to go there and she’s said nasty things about me he doesn’t think this Is an issue.

he is racist, homophobic and nothing at all like me. Luckily my children have all followed my mindset as I’m the main parent. He has little time for the children.

he gaslights me everyday and every single thing is my fault and he’ll let me know that.

I fully plan to leave in the next 5 years, I’m saving so I’ll be able to go straight away and buy myself a home. I want nothing I don’t want half house absolutely nothing at all he can have everything. This way with the ages of the children I can then cut all contact from him which is what I need for me I’m not strong enough to deal with contact I know that.

so after that enormous ramble 🤦‍♀️ did anyone in similar situation as me go through with it and leave and how was it and are you happy now ?

I do know there will be numerous along to say why did you marry him why did you have children, why are you not leaving now etc
firstly I was a child when I met him I am a woman now my mindset is not at all the same.
i cannot leave just now because I’m far to intimidated by him I won’t have the guts. I’d need to co parent and communicate over children. Delaying avoids all of this. He would also take my children to his mothers house, where there is drugs, alcohol etc and I’d rather die than have that. Again delaying leaving avoids all this.

as for my children those who say you’re damaging them, I know my situation and I know which would be more damaging to their well-being and it would be leaving now. They’re well mannered, kind lovely children all doing well at school. They have nice a home, food and things and are well travelled. Like I say there is no arguing as I do not answer back or ever disagree so they’re not living in hell.

I keep myself going by thinking about when I do get out and having my own home. I don’t ever ever want to live with another man ever again ever. I’d be so happy just to be free.

If you got this far well done 🤣 and if this resonates with you please let me know good or bad how things worked out. And equally those who will come to tell me I’m everything under the sun for not leaving now I don’t need to hear it I can’t and I’m protecting my mental health by doing it my way.

Thanks for reading x

Stop waiting life is short, get your finances in Oder and get the hell out ,
you just get the one life it’s about being happy
and everyone around you,
will be living under a cloud of a crappy relationship
I waited years for the sake of my daughter, looking back at it now so wish I had done something sooner
more damage staying in a crappy relationship for far too long.
Kids pick up on stuff subconsciously, and then repeat the same patterns

@Home23 Please read @BurrosTail post - I lived it too. Her comment 'It’s kind of offensive that she thought we didn’t have a clue, but I knew much, much more than she realised' resonates so strongly with me....I'm 55 now, my mother is 83 and my father left her when I was 21 (for another woman). My anger for them both has got stronger in the last 34 years because of the crap they BOTH put myself and my two brothers through - him for being a controlling asshole and her for being a fucking doormat. I've told my mother to her face that she must have thought I was deaf, dumb and blind as a child not to realise the real state of the relationship between them. My mother thought that because we had all the material goods we could want it meant we were happy...far far far fucking from it. And of course we didn't tell them...children don't! You can see your mother is already desperately unhappy, you aren't going to add to that...and none is that good a fucking actor. I would also add that no one likes to look back and realise that a parent was effectively lying to them for YEARS.

Children aren't idiots - they know when their parents don't love each other, I knew it before I was 10. I also did very well at school, ended up going to Oxford and have 3 degrees....and am also being treated for C-PTSD. I've had no contact with my father in 34 years and have been extremely low contact with my mother for 26. I've not seen her in nearly 15 years and deliberately live on the other side of the world from her.

Just wondering if you have any support system in place to talk to, like a sister or friend?

Like PP mentioned, getting legal advice and talking to Women's aid would be very helpful to your plan.

Name changed for this...... @BurrosTail 's post really touched a nerve.
This could have been written by one of my now adult children. They have all told me so, individually, over the years.
If I could turn back the clock to when I decided to stay - for all the reasons you've outlined so eloquently! - OMG the pain... and the guilt.
Still trying to mop up all the $hi! all these years later.

I'm not here to lecture you OP, you obviously know your own mind. But I think you're going to look back on all this one day and really wish you'd acted sooner. Good luck with it all.

This 100 times.

I resented my mother too for staying and essentially being a terrible role model to a teenage girl. My mum used to argue back but it was all words, never any real actions. She finally left him almost 30 years into the marriage with all her golden years lost. I was so relieved when they finally separated, though 20 years too late if you ask me.

Kids don't want their parents together if one is constantly gaslighting, undermining and demeaning the other.

The only way to teach your daughter to stand up for herself is to show her how it's done. The only way to teach your son that his father's actions are unacceptable is to show him the consequences.

I know it's hard but for your children's sake, please try to leave as soon as possible.

I don’t think for one minute they think everything is rosey what so ever.

op - you say that you don’t think their dad saying the occasional stupid thing is going to ruin their childhood.

op - the “stupid” views you refer to are racist and xenophobic

their father and mother never engage in any kind of meaningful conversation. Ever. Ever.

they see their mother doing EVERYTHING with absolutely zero acknowledgment from their father

They won’t ever see their parents laugh together, genuinely affectionate together, root for each other, support one another.

their grandmother is “very nasty”

yes they have a roof over their head and food on the table and they aren’t “battered daily”. But a positive childhood is so so so much more than that OP

But OP says that he is the type of man who would burn the house down with them in it? Some men do that. Kill their children and themselves.
If that is a potential reality of the situation then waiting 5 years surely is not worse? And she can tell them that once she has left.

It’s a horrible situation OP and I really hope that in 5 years time you go and it works out.
I am glad you are seeking legal advice.
im sure they will suggest this, but try to get info on his assets and pension etc if you can.
As the kids get older he may suspect that you will leave and he may try to hide some of it, or just before you leave he could leave his job so he is your dependent or he could have a totally unplanned illness such as a stroke which would mean you become his carer. Maybe he would go for your assets in any of these scenarios even just to spite you.

Again most likely won’t happen but they are not out of the realms of possibility.

Keep records of what you spend vs what he spends on the home, keep records/any evidence of the abuse in you can.

I’m really rooting for you OP. I hope it works out.

xx

I completely understand. I waited until DC were late teens so I didnt have to share custody. They visit him on occasion but rarely because he was barely present in their lives before. I set up a whole house then just walked out the door one day. The last time I had to force myself to have sex was such a feeling of relief. If you haven't experienced that sort of life you will never get it.
I didn't argue or answer back because of the consequences, I played the good wife and did as I was told so he wasn't angry infront of the children. Mine saw it though is all I'll say so please don't underestimate the effect it may have down the line. Mine are fiercely protective of me because of how they saw their dad treat me. Others may disagree but I know I did the right thing to protect them in the circumstances.
Best of luck to you x

I stayed.

We had talked about separating around a decade ago and he made some very scary threats that I had no doubt he would have followed through on so I decided it was safer to stay. A friend who saw a lot of DA through their work made a few cryptic comments that also gave me pause for thought.

Part of the reason I stayed was so that the kids didn’t have to spend time with him on their own because he would have gone for 50/50 - or more! I absolutely couldn’t risk him destroying me and getting them 100%, and I’ve seen that happen to other women. My world became very small, I couldn’t go out without the kids because I’d come back to WW3, because I was the peacekeeper. If I wasn’t around to handle him, the wheels would come off. When I had to do a 2 day residential a few years ago for a professional assessment, he went totally off the rails. DD refused to go home and went to stay with a friend, and I got concerned phone calls from people close to DS after DH caused a nasty public incident. I didn’t want my kids to have to deal with stuff like that on their own on a regular basis.

We separated last year when youngest went to uni. I moved several hours away. I don’t regret my decisions and I honestly think everything has worked out for the best. The kids have the measure of their dad and both have been in healthy relationships. They have also both been through counselling/therapy and are doing really well at “life”. I have a great, close relationship with each of them and they still communicate with their dad on their own terms. I think if I’d have pushed to separate earlier, things would have got really nasty but because he was ready for us to be over (he was having an affair), it was much more cordial than it would have been otherwise.

You know your own situation better than the “just leave” brigade. Only you know how he will react and how safe it will or won’t be for you and your children. Comments like “ask him to move out” just shows the sheer naivety of those posting.

Do what you need to do to get yourself through it and execute your plan. In the meantime, get some legal advice. Some of what I was afraid of would have not seemed so scary if I’d been more clued up on the legal side of things.

Good luck - we’ll all be rooting for you and your kids.

I’ve read every reply and thank you all ! This has really helped me get it off my chest and get other perspectives.

I actually feel more positive ! I’m going to get legal advice and ensure I protect myself that way,

Thanks again to you all 💗

What would happen if you didn't have sex with him? Would he force you? You must feel sick when he helps himself to your body.

Well your daughter will be copying you in how she interacts with men ,and your son will copy his dad and expect his wife to be the same as you
You are perpetuating a cycle of abuse to the next generation.
You are a fool if you think your children don't notice ...they do ... they absorb everything like sponges.
Crack on with your fantasy of leaving if it gives you comfort .
I was a child in the middle of such a marriage,..I saw ,I watched ,I knew .
And you would think I have a strong relationship with my mum ...no ..
I despised her for staying with an abusive bully ...I left home at 18 ,I'm now 50 and I saw her a handful of times over 30 years .
But ...I'm sure it will be different with you

Actually,I was harsh there ...I do know it's hard to leave ..I can see how hard it is for you .
Just at least start saying no the sex , because it will destroy your soul having sex u don't want .
I genuinely do hope you escape him x

OP you deserve to be happy
Please speak to woman’s aid and a solicitor
I think you need a safe exit plan sooner rather than later . Your husband sounds a very dangerous man . Be careful x x

This reminds me of my own efforts to escape from a really difficult relationship in my late twenties. Yes, it does need a bit of secret planning and subterfuge, but the sense of relief makes it worthwhile in the end. Fortunately I was still working (despite his attempts to get me to give up my job) so I was able to arrange to rent a small flat without his knowledge. The last few months of the debacle I used to fantasise about living in my own little bedsit and taking leisurely walks along a nearby canal towpath in the sunshine without dreading having to return to someone complaining I'd been out, and where had I been and who had I been seeing. When I was eventually able to make it happen it was such a relief. I felt a couple of inches taller.

Yes, I'd second what everybody else has said about sources of help - doctors, solicitors, dear old Women's Aid. It'll be a weight lifted off your shoulders when you make the break.

How is it you know this ? Why is my adult son a gentlemen why does he treat his girlfriend so nice ? Why don’t I behave like my mother who was horrific ? You are making a whole lot of assumptions.

You came on here venting about your issues and to kick someone when they are down. My children adore me and I’m close to every one of them. My oldest daughter is a teenager and she is a lovely strong minded girl who absolutely wouldn’t settle for anything less than she deserves as I’ve instilled that in them.

Maybe the ones who come on to kick people when they are so low should take a long hard look at themselves. As long as my children don’t go out their way to make people feel the way some of you do on here then I’m satisfied with that.

I will log out now as honestly after feeling positive this morning some of you have gave me a lovely kick straight back down.

you come on here ranting my children will be this will be that, but yet you are grown women and are going out of your way to be nasty and hurtful shame on you !!

And it’s not because you are disagreeing with me many have, the difference they’ve articulated it in a constructive way. To those who were kind and informative on both sides thank you. To those bitter woman who act like bullies, you shouldn’t be giving anyone advice.

I'm not sure who gave you a kicking down? I think posters have tried to engage with your situation and give you the benefit of their experiences.

You clearly are very intelligent and strong and focused on your goal. Some of us are questioning whether the way you are planning to achieve said goal is entirely realistic.

Because we've been there.

OP why won't you answer my question about sex?

Because OP is under no obligation to answer any question at all unless she wants to?

Why is my adult son a gentlemen why does he treat his girlfriend so nice ?

well to be fair OP - you prove how easily it is to act happy but a very very different scenario behind closed doors

To those bitter woman who act like bullies, you shouldn’t be giving anyone advice.

what an odd thing to say OP. No one has come across as “bitter” or a bully

they are, understands my worried about the environment your children are growing up in - and will do so for the next half a decade

Ultimately, people have to trust that @Home23 knows her abuser best. If she says it’s not safe to leave, believe her. Don’t make her feel stupid or naive for doing what she thinks is right. Her abuser is already doing that.

They actually did come across as bullies! That's why she reacted and now people like you try to tell her it's all in her head!
Honestly some of you lack any emotional intelligence.

It's one thing to state your opinion or disagree but there is no need to be nasty, patronising and trying to make someone look stupid. It's also extremely arrogant to assume you know better what and when someone should do based on little knowledge about someone's life!

Leaving is not easy and sometimes it's better to plan ahead because guess what - poverty, uprooting, lack of proper housing and parental stress also affects children. OP knows that. She also knows she needs to leave the relationship and that it's not good for her children. That's why she posted.