This is mind games from my sister, right? What do I do

[heyomayo]

I want a relationship with my niece and soon to be another DN but finding it hard to have that. I’ve only seen my niece three times in her life even though I live in the same town. Twice the week she was born. Niece is one next month and sister is a SAHM. I have offered them: my lunch hour, 4pm, the weekend- always offering to go to theirs as I see it’s hard with a baby - yet they’re always busy. Bedtime routine starts at 3pm and they’re out in the day every day I’ve asked. I said I could come after niece is in bed and she has said no. My sister said 7-8am works for them. Anybody who cares enough about being in my niece’s life will make themselves available at that time. If they can’t, they’re showing where their priorities lie. That is exactly what she’s said. We have sent gifts for the baby & vouchers for them, food etc, in lieu of being able to actually see them.

You might read this and think, she doesn’t want you involved. That’s how it sounds, right? Except she is going to our parents in tears saying nobody cares about niece and she expected better from her sisters and she’s sick of pouring in effort for it not to be matched. The strange thing is; she hasn’t once tried to meet us. When I did see her and niece by chance, she made a big performance of asking niece who I was and saying ‘I bet you don’t know who this stranger is’ and put the baby in a carrier immediately, presumably so I didn’t come any closer.

I don’t think it’s PPD or PPA - could be wrong, but she has a history of trying to test me to see how far I’ll go to show her I love her. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I can’t speak to her nicely about it as she flies off the handle and says I am looking for an argument and always taking what she says and does the wrong way. If I deny this, I am gaslighting her.

What do I do? Why’s she doing this?

That sounds really tricky. What have your parents said when it comes up? As in, how have they replied to your sister as well as to you?

It does sound like she is not making it easy. Is there any way you can show up at 7am one day as a one-off? I wouldn't pre warn her as I suspect she would cancel at last minute (if this is indeed a game to her of 'Everyone hates me').

Tried before meeting her on her terms and it’s funny you say that cos she does always cancel if I prewarn.

They are upset and really hurt by it and do think it’s wrong but in their opinion she’s always liked being in charge and this is just her way of controlling things for her daughter.

Bedtime starts at 3pm? Visit between 7-8am? She's having you on and making things difficult on purpose.

Honestly, I'd wait it out. Once she has two under two she'll be much keener on auntie taking the older one out for a bit to give her a break.

She sounds insane.

Copy parents in on all requests

And give up, she doesn't want you to be there. It's her not you

I think you’re right. How do I then deal with her breaking down and saying we’re not interested, and that we should be trying harder? It feels really twisted

Have you approached her partner?
would it be easier with your parents and you together?

We don’t really have a relationship with one of our nieces due to her parents always cancelling when we have arranged to meet up, there is always an excuse. So we have just given up, if they want to act like that then that’s their prerogative.

none of the aunts and uncles have much of a relationship bar her aunt who is her mums sister, everyone from her dads side of the family have been kept at arms length.

Next time you hear she is at your dps you turn up. Let your dm hear how difficult she is making it for you to visit..

Yeah, my brother in law will honestly just do whatever it takes to keep the peace and seems the kind of quiet sort that would go along with things. My parents have offered me to come round when they have the baby but I don’t feel that’s fair or honest to my sister, plus all hell would break loose ‘you’d rather see my child and I’m just not important’ is what she has already said to them, so woe betide me doing it

She does know and it upsets her. They have her fairly regularly but it would really start a huge argument if she ever found out I’d seen her. She already thinks my parents only go so frequently to see the baby rather than her, so god forbid I also did!! She’d never ever forgive me

Reverse psychology. My sister and I have an extremely difficult relationship. As the older sibling shes bullied and put me down since i can remember. She loves belittling me.

When DN was born I saw it as an Opportunity to start again with new life. She didn't. She decided to use her child to hold me to ransom. She saw how much I loved the child and so she used that to get at me. She started saying things such as you didn't deserve to know about my baby let alone see or touch her. Dramatic texts with block capitalised words for emphasis. It was so juvenile.

After a few of these nasty comments I said to her that she could keep her baby and I didn't want to visit if she was going to be like this. I asked her who she thought she was and stopped bothering to ask. That worked. I've always now acted faux disinterested I her child and she now is very encouraging of me to see her and is the one chasing me up asking why I don't see her.

Seriously who starts a bed time routine that can't be interrupted at 3pm?! That's just rubbish.

I'd just back off and say this clearly isn't ever convenient, I'll leave you to it or something like that. And stop asking.

I would also do as Goodornot suggests. What your doing now isn't working is it. If she complains about you not being interested you can perfectly reasonable say you've only seen DN/sister once in the last X months so of course you don't have a relationship. Say your concentrating on a friends baby instead or something that'll pass her off.

It sounds like we have the exact same sister. Thank you for commenting! Can’t get over the similarities in the situations and how both of them behave.

She asked me to give her space just after the baby had been born and then said she would need to reintroduce her to me when she was ready, when she felt happy with me again. It seems really manipulative and has from the start. She laments that I don’t love her and don’t care about her in the way she does me, but she doesn’t behave like someone who loves or cares about me!

You're giving her power over you by asking when you can see the baby
Come away from the situation
If you're questioned by others then tell them the truth, that she's being extremely difficult and is heading you off at the pass at every suggestion
It takes 2 people to play a game, if one opts out of playing then there's no game to play
You opt out from now on

That’s true. Thank you. No idea why she does it

This exactly.

I stopped playing with my sister. I walked away and meant it. It worked. She will encourage me now with her child to see her.

Does anyone know why someone like this would behave in such a way?

She does it because she can
If you're not engaging with her then you're not thinking about why she does it
She's taking up headspace that could be filled with other more important things that matter to you

Control. Spite. Wanting to perpetuate childhood patterns to stay top dog.

I actually think my sister has a personality disorder but never been diagnosed.

Honestly I'd just give up trying. I tried to make things work with a toxic sibling for years. It didn't matter what I did it would always be twisted into me doing something awful. We went super low contact (only see once or twice a year now on parents birthdays) and I have been so much happier since.

Honesyly it sounds like your whole family have observed longstanding manipulative behaviour from her.

Yet speaking the truth bluntly to her doesn't seem an option...you've all become so used to treading on eggshells.

For the sake of her children you do need to communicate firmly your take on things and leave the ball in her court.

If someone will "never forgive you" for reasonable behaviour then they are bullying or trying to control and dominate you.

Using her child in this way is disturbing and her attempts to provoke and sustain drama and conflict must be things you simply refuse to involve yourself with.

As for why...I suspect as one of a few sisters she felt she didn't get enough attention and felt in competition...so she's doing what she can to be the centre of attention. She needs to grow up.

This way she gets to control you and behave like the victim. It’s win win for her. I think you simply have to stop making attempts and let her come to you. When she does you can have a stock reply you send that’s exactly the same each time. Something short and to the point like, this is my availability, let me know when to come. If she doesn’t reply don’t chase it. If she arranges something and cancels don’t acknowledge the cancellation message or say ok. If she sends messages saying you don’t want to have a relationship with your niece just reply saying that’s not the case and don’t engage in any further discussion. Also ask your mum to have a stock response for when she raises things with her. Something like, your sister would love to see your baby, she’s waiting to hear from you. This repetitive rigid approach will likely drive her wild but eventually she should accept no one is playing her games anymore.

I have this dynamic with my sister in law. She will often not invite us to places the family are all going, then when I post pics of what we have done that day as I was unaware it was happening, will say oh look, she was too busy to see us, or they didn’t invite us along so we made our plans (the original plans we weren’t asked to)

she then crows to everyone that we are the bad guy and we leave her out. She has booked full family events and not told us about them. If it’s another family event, and we are there, she will only post pictures without us in to make it look like we distanced ourselves.

MIL was blind to it through golden child syndrome I think, and now even when we have gone no contact at times, we will randomly get a call from MIL saying “why haven’t you come over today, you told SIL you’d come visit” and the conversation never took place. MIL is starting to see now but I think she prefers not to for an easy life, which is what has created monster sister in law in the first place.

I blocked her. It is like cutting off an air supply. But continue to send the presents and cards directly to the child - write in there directly to the child. So that DN can see you tried.

Why are you trying to develop a relationship with a young child when you have no relationship with their mum? You sound no or at the least low contact with mum.

Just because you're related to them, that's not enough of a reason. You must have lots of friends or other relatives that you have a great relationship with who have children, focus on them.
Any urgency to develop a relationship with a baby/child who you have no relationship with their mum is about you and what you can get out of being friendly with a child which is very sad.

It would be a completely different situation if you had already established a relationship with both niece and sister but you don't.

If you miss your sister and want to get back in contact with her, do that. Focus on repairing the relationship with your sister and if she chooses to include you in her child's life then be grateful.