This is mind games from my sister, right? What do I do

[heyomayo]

I want a relationship with my niece and soon to be another DN but finding it hard to have that. I’ve only seen my niece three times in her life even though I live in the same town. Twice the week she was born. Niece is one next month and sister is a SAHM. I have offered them: my lunch hour, 4pm, the weekend- always offering to go to theirs as I see it’s hard with a baby - yet they’re always busy. Bedtime routine starts at 3pm and they’re out in the day every day I’ve asked. I said I could come after niece is in bed and she has said no. My sister said 7-8am works for them. Anybody who cares enough about being in my niece’s life will make themselves available at that time. If they can’t, they’re showing where their priorities lie. That is exactly what she’s said. We have sent gifts for the baby & vouchers for them, food etc, in lieu of being able to actually see them.

You might read this and think, she doesn’t want you involved. That’s how it sounds, right? Except she is going to our parents in tears saying nobody cares about niece and she expected better from her sisters and she’s sick of pouring in effort for it not to be matched. The strange thing is; she hasn’t once tried to meet us. When I did see her and niece by chance, she made a big performance of asking niece who I was and saying ‘I bet you don’t know who this stranger is’ and put the baby in a carrier immediately, presumably so I didn’t come any closer.

I don’t think it’s PPD or PPA - could be wrong, but she has a history of trying to test me to see how far I’ll go to show her I love her. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I can’t speak to her nicely about it as she flies off the handle and says I am looking for an argument and always taking what she says and does the wrong way. If I deny this, I am gaslighting her.

What do I do? Why’s she doing this?

Catsafterme - you have explained this very well. Thank you. Its very difficult to accept this personality style when it is a family member / close friend etc very difficult. I am in the accepting phase of it with my my parents and its most upsetting

Why don't you 'accidentally' drop in to see DN when she's with your parents having 'forgotten' she's there.

She’d go mad! And I’m not sure it’s fair if the reason she’s making things so difficult is that possibly she doesn’t actually want me to see her daughter? So maybe I would be disrespecting that if I saw her when it was out of my sisters control?

Thanks, glad it helped. That's my observation of it anyway after over a decade of being a punching bag. Although I was the main target there were times I was in favour and that was because the target was someone else. I was privy to the thought process because I was her therapist almost in those times, trying to inject reason. There was no room for reason.

In my experience children are not children but possessions that were frequently weaponized to inflict as much hurt as possible, like in the OPs case. The mother role was not that of a genuine mother but a keeper, anything that looked motherly or love was for the benefit of the public, other mums in the group. It was however surface level, and if people understood you can see it in the behavior of the children and their reactions in public, it was off. Confusion as to why now there is affection, praise yet all the other time they are ignored, belittled.

The OPs case I believe is similar. For whatever reason her sister is scapegoating her and as the children are possessions, extensions of herself the relationship is denied or frustrated. If I don't like you, neither do my children. If I don't want to know you, my children will not. As I am the closest person to my children I will not allow anyone to form a relationship because that will threaten mine. You may be liked more than me and that cannot happen, I must be number one.

I will scapegoat you, twist the truth, lie and manipulate the reality of the situation so you look bad and I look like the savior and everyone but especially my children will adore me for it.

I too have understood this now from months and months of research and my own therapy. had yrs and yrs of being the 'golden child' taking on my mum's emotional baggage etc. The narrative in my head is STILL 'I need to help my mum, be with her, serve her, make her happy' etc but when I hear these thoughts I can now change them. But man those thoughts are LOUD in my head, so loud. Its incredibly sad , incredibly sad. Thanks for your insights, yes it helped to know there are other ppl who get it

Sometimes I have so much compassion for her and start to cry as I know some of the trauma she went through, and then I have to restrain myself from contacting her. As the compassion turns to pity. Pity makes me want total her, compassion allows me to love her from a distance

to call her I meant to say

I watched a drama about a mother who was so abusive to her daughter. Her daughter broke free and even when free she missed her mother, even when she realised the extent of her abuse. I feel like that sometimes. I miss her even tho I can see clearly how manipulative and controlling she is

@lovenotwar149 I'm sorry you've gone through it too, it's hard. I'm going through therapy as well to get through what I've been through and undo everything that's been conditioned into me. It is just there, by default at the back of your mind and you do have to force yourself to override the thoughts.

Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome I have read and been told by professionals is one of the worst forms that's akin to psychological warfare. Brain washing.

I'm hoping my children are okay because mine has withheld them for six months now while scapegoating me and everyone else to maintain the isolation. I'm having to try and convince the courts at the moment but takes so long.

Oh dear oh dear sending hugs, stay strong

Reason why she’s behaving this way is because she’s unhappy and possibly jealous. She clearly doesn’t want you visiting during this time so don’t play the game. She will come around eventually. Give her space. You know you’re a caring human so you don’t need validation from her or your parents. By virtue of writing this post shows you care deeply. Good luck friend x