This is mind games from my sister, right? What do I do

[heyomayo]

I want a relationship with my niece and soon to be another DN but finding it hard to have that. I’ve only seen my niece three times in her life even though I live in the same town. Twice the week she was born. Niece is one next month and sister is a SAHM. I have offered them: my lunch hour, 4pm, the weekend- always offering to go to theirs as I see it’s hard with a baby - yet they’re always busy. Bedtime routine starts at 3pm and they’re out in the day every day I’ve asked. I said I could come after niece is in bed and she has said no. My sister said 7-8am works for them. Anybody who cares enough about being in my niece’s life will make themselves available at that time. If they can’t, they’re showing where their priorities lie. That is exactly what she’s said. We have sent gifts for the baby & vouchers for them, food etc, in lieu of being able to actually see them.

You might read this and think, she doesn’t want you involved. That’s how it sounds, right? Except she is going to our parents in tears saying nobody cares about niece and she expected better from her sisters and she’s sick of pouring in effort for it not to be matched. The strange thing is; she hasn’t once tried to meet us. When I did see her and niece by chance, she made a big performance of asking niece who I was and saying ‘I bet you don’t know who this stranger is’ and put the baby in a carrier immediately, presumably so I didn’t come any closer.

I don’t think it’s PPD or PPA - could be wrong, but she has a history of trying to test me to see how far I’ll go to show her I love her. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I can’t speak to her nicely about it as she flies off the handle and says I am looking for an argument and always taking what she says and does the wrong way. If I deny this, I am gaslighting her.

What do I do? Why’s she doing this?

Please stop sending her presents and money.

I just don’t want my niece to feel like she had no extended family who were interested

I’d take a step right back. You work so any potential visits are limited to lunch-break, evenings or weekends - none of these suit your sister. Nothing more can be done. Get on with your own life and don’t be drawn into your sister’s dramatics.

Send one more message to your sister saying you’d love to visit, your availability is generally weekends and weekday evenings, if that can work you’d look forward to visiting. If she answers negatively, just reply - oh, that’s a pity! Don’t engage further. Step right back.

Stop running after her - send gifts at birthdays/Christmas and nothing at all in between.

Your niece will have bigger problems than her extended family. Her biggest problem is her own mother.

She sounds deeply unhappy
how sad for her that she needs you to prove you love her, because she doesn’t feel it
how sad for her that she thinks you and her parents don’t care to see her, only your DN. it’s so sad she’s going to these extremes to reassure herself that she is loved, and then when she forces you (through not showing up) she is devastated because it confirms that no one in her family loves her. I think that issue is way beyond anything you can do, and she needs serious therapy.
i would offer the early morning times, and if she continues to cancel then you can’t do anything else. Alternatively stop trying to see DN, and work on your relationship with your sister, that will help DN in the long run.
i don’t think you need to get involved in all the hysterics and protesting about how much you do love her, that’s just feeding the drama.

She's not yet 1.

She doesn't know yet. All you need to do is send her presents at birthday and Christmas. I never got more than that from aunties and nothing from some of my aunties. I don't harbour any ill feeling towards the aunts who didn't get me presents.

I think you should take DN out of the equation for a bit and suggest going round after the kids are in bed for a glass of wine or something - assuming you do want a relationship with your sister. Stop suggesting coming to see DN and focus on coming to see her.

It sounds as if she feels desperately lonely and is looking for proof (in a totally messed up way) that people care about her. She's using DN as a pawn, but it's really about you jumping through hoops for her.

Stop pandering to her, she wants to alienate her children from their family, that's on her and no one else. She is supposed to be as adult. Just leave her too it.

If you want to see your nice I think you should just go to your parents when she's there. Your sister will kick of? She's already kicking off, nothing you do will ever be enough for her, so don't try to placate her, it will never work.

And I hope you do manage to build a relationship with your niece, as her mum is batshit crazy.

Take the neice out of the equation. If you would like things to improve with your sister, focus there, not on the babies. There is no relationship with the nieces without a functioning one with their mother.

Be really clear, say that you love her and would like to spend more time with her, and you miss her, if that is true. Say that you are sorry that she is finding things hard, you are there for her, and when you get the nod you'll be round.

And leave it there.

I'd show your parents the 7-8am texts so they see you've repeatedly tried to see the child and that Dsis is being awfully difficult and then let her get on with it. She clearly wants to test you and throw shit at you for not bending to her demands.

She has literally chosen to keep her child away from family members just so she can claim victim. Aside from anything else, this is dreadful parenting.

That poor child will grow up with a Mother who puts her need for petty arguments and one-upmanship before their needs.

She sounds as though she likes the drama and attention. If I were you I'd distance myself and stop trying g to meet up. If she goes crying g to your parents I'd calmly say I had tried but so far nothing works out so if she gives you 3 dares you'll pick one to meet up. Rinse and repeat - but stay calm and don't rise to what she is telling your parents.

I'd go very low contact and accept no relationship with nieces.

She sounds horrible.

Put yourself first and ignore her shit.

And to add, the reason for her behaviour doesn't matter. She's treating you worse than shit on her shoe and you need to stop letting her. She won't ever change: "she has a history of trying to test me to see how far I’ll go to show her I love her. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I can’t speak to her nicely about it as she flies off the handle and says I am looking for an argument and always taking what she says and does the wrong way".

Basically, you can save yourself decades of manipulative weirdness by just going low contact now. Or, you can realise this later in life after a lot more hurt.

And you can tell any family member who challenges you that you are fed up of difficult behaviour and just want a peaceful life.

Those nieces are not going to like you if their mum doesn't.

I think your mother sounds sympathetic and wants to support you but is probably scared that she might also not see her grandchild if she does.

I think your sister has many problems that will be probably difficult for you to overcome without her going to therapy. She’s also pregnant right now so now is not the time to add pressure. but I agree with others that you are not going to easily succeed in making a relationship with your niece unless you can find a way to improve the relationship with your sister.

However I think that after her second is born her rigid routine will change and most likely she’ll need far more help from her family as she tries to deal with two. Maybe you can use the birth of her new baby to reset your relationship and see your niece a bit more under the guise of helping out.

I would also do other things for your niece to involve her, for example make a family tree photo album with everyone’s pictures in it and messages for her. Leave it at your mum’s if possible so she can see it there. Also leave some toys at your mum’s house that she can play with. And if you can’t deliver presents, open a bank account in her name and put money in for later.

Good luck, I hope you find a way out of this difficult position.

OP,
Your sister is absolutely toxic and has form.

She is loving that she has a child to beat you with.

Drop the rope.

Your parents know well what she is like.

Stop chasing her.

Follow the excellent advice to make no further effort whatsoever.

Stop with any money. Buy a small very inexpensive little toy and leave at your parents as a token going forward.

Your sister is batshit and as long as you chase her the way you are, you are giving her fuel and oxygen to be as nasty and dismissive of you.

She neither likes nor cares for you, she wants to hurt you.

She is disordered, possibly jealous, definitely batshit.

Her child is to be pitied.

She doesn't even love her own child, just sees her as a method to gain attention and control your parents and yourself.

No longer show ANY upset.

Tell your parents and anyone who asks that she has made it very clear she doesn't want you around her child and that is her choice.

It is very important that you appear accepting and disinterested.

She may well change her tune, but I would keep her at a firm distance.

This is who she is and she won't change at her core.

You need to see her clearly for who she is and protect yourself.

Oh and you have years of this behaviour from her, yet you continue to pursue her?

This is not healthy either.

Some counselling for you would be a good idea to figure out why YOUR self esteem tolerates this.

A healthy person would back away from this dynamic.

You cannot change her.

Change YOUR reaction to being treated so poorly.

She sounds deranged op. Let her get on with it. If you are free when they are at your parents go round. 7am is a ridiculous time to want visitors and I wouldn't entertain it or try to understand it, she is trying to emotionally manipulate you for some form need for control. Don't rise to it She might have some histrionics at first but will soon get bored when she realises you aren't all going to jump when she says so.

100% this

Also if she's telling tales to your parents presumably she is visiting them? Can't you go there too and see then at your parent's house?

Honestly I’d just ignore her. If she’s telling everyone you make no effort even when you do, then what’s the point! She sounds really toxic and not someone I would waste my time on.

Have you posted about your sister before?

I don’t think you are going to change her behavior by changing your behavior. Nor convince her that she is the problem. She is enjoying her power over you. Next time she complains, just write back “Oh well. I’ve tried. “

My parents made sure we had relationships with our aunts and uncles. It wasn’t the role of the extended family to make this effort all the time. Certainly no one had to jump through hoops! I suspect because people back then didn’t act like their children were some big prize for everyone else. They were happy when others paid attention to us.

Just step away
She will never change

This is making herself the victim of circumstances she has created.
She is very manipulative and it won't change.
Likely a toxic family dynamic going on and it might be worth exploring this.

She thinks she is the victim and has called me manipulative/gaslighting before

Your niece doesn’t know about the presents anyway. When she is older, you can try again. You really just need to give this up now.

She's making you the persecuter and her the victim.

The only way is to cut contact.
It will never end.

I stepped away from my DB in similar circumstances, currently he's gone after his boss, rallied all the other staff to write letters decimating her .
About the 8th boss and counting...
Protect yourself by going NC, it will never get better.