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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

569 replies

Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:27

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Stopbloodybanging · 30/10/2023 09:07

It’s simple, how can it ever be a real relationship if you’re determinedly saying that in order to protect yourself you’ll never marry or get involved financially.
Even if he is genuine, unfortunately I don’t think this is a long term relationship.

PierceMorgansChin · 30/10/2023 09:09

1975wasthebest · 30/10/2023 08:04

But you have no control over how it ends

Oh give me a break! OP is an intelligent woman of 45 years. She has agency and has said she doesn’t want to get married and won’t be giving him money!

Nothing screams 'intelligent' like falling for a common scam

Maddy70 · 30/10/2023 09:10

Listen to your gut ...it's never wrong
Listen to your friends who see this relationship. What doo they think

itsmyp4rty · 30/10/2023 09:10

Just remember OP that no one ever thinks they're being naive - if they did they wouldn't do whatever it is! Also everyone who has ever been romance scammed thought they had some kind of deep and amazing connection with the other person.

There are of course huge red flags - why has he gone for someone so much older? Why hasn't he gone for someone he can marry and have kids with? Why a foreigner he can hardly ever actually see? Why someone who is not from the same religious background as him?

Enjoy it for the long term holiday romance it is - but don't allow it to become anything more than that.

Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 09:10

Zanatdy · 30/10/2023 09:03

I think you sound sensible and won’t easily be duped. As long as you don’t marry him and bring him to the U.K. I don’t see the issue with it being a long distance thing. My friend married a man she met on holiday in North Africa, everyone said she was being duped / being stupid including her parents. They just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary and are genuinely happy. I bet she wants to say to everyone of her friends - ha I don’t you so. Sadly for every one of her, there’s a lot of others who do get used for a visa. Just be cautious and have fun, you’re entitled to a life when your children grow up. Mine are 15 plus now and yes you can start to enjoy your life and put yourself first for once

Appreciate this balanced comment. I'm not stupid and I certainly wouldn't waste my.time on anything that wasn't giving me pleasure/comfort/fun etc. I don't pretend for a moment that this will be my happy ever after but the fact is that I don't know. It is unlikely and would be against all the odds. That said, atm it.works for me. And him.

OP posts:
Blueggsandham · 30/10/2023 09:11

What do you think he's getting out of the relationship- you won't live with him, you won't help him move to your country and you won't move to his. You won't be able to have kids with him, which he may well want in the future.

You say you love him, but it sounds like you're stringing him along, and you've no real care for his future happiness. If he was my son I would not be happy.

MargotBamborough · 30/10/2023 09:12

Blueggsandham · 30/10/2023 09:11

What do you think he's getting out of the relationship- you won't live with him, you won't help him move to your country and you won't move to his. You won't be able to have kids with him, which he may well want in the future.

You say you love him, but it sounds like you're stringing him along, and you've no real care for his future happiness. If he was my son I would not be happy.

I wouldn't worry too much about him. He will go after whatever it is he wants.

Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 09:16

I have 3xplained my thoughts and feeling to him, we talked about what he want@. I told him I'm not having kids with him, I told him, find another woman, different age. We have had very emotionally charged times talking through all of these things. He has said he doesn't want kids if I can't have them with him, and I told him that he will feel different in a few years. So maybe the answer is for me to walk away and let him have a wife/family. That is where I am at. I do love him and want him to be happy and if that is not with me so be it. I will be fine- I always am.

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 30/10/2023 09:17

I can almost certainly guarantee that his visa issues will carry on. He may suggest marriage to help his visa prospects.

Or soon there’ll be a family emergency/medical costs needed which his well off family can’t afford. Can you help me out? Short term loan.

PierceMorgansChin · 30/10/2023 09:18

OP watch 'holiday rats' on you tube, full length series about British women meeting much younger partners abroad. There are so so many others and your story is a cliche, swe for yourself.

CoffeeBean5 · 30/10/2023 09:20

Blueggsandham · 30/10/2023 09:11

What do you think he's getting out of the relationship- you won't live with him, you won't help him move to your country and you won't move to his. You won't be able to have kids with him, which he may well want in the future.

You say you love him, but it sounds like you're stringing him along, and you've no real care for his future happiness. If he was my son I would not be happy.

In these kind of love bomb scams, the much younger man will claim (after many months of gaining her trust) that he is in distress because his poor mother is really ill and can't afford the medical bills. He'll insist that OP doesn't pay, but this will make her feel like she 'should.' Then there'll be other bills. Or he'll claim that he really wants to work in the UK and they should marry and then he divorces her and takes all her money that should go to her children.

Weemammy21 · 30/10/2023 09:21

Marriage is always on their cards. I’m speaking from experience. Once he arrives he will expect you to keep him and pay for everything. To begin with you won’t even realise you are being financially abused and taken advantage off until it’s too late and he gets half of everything you own. Don’t do it. Run now.

Rosykitten · 30/10/2023 09:24

What has he said on the subjects of marriage and children? Has he made his feelings known to you?

1975wasthebest · 30/10/2023 09:25

PierceMorgansChin · 30/10/2023 09:09

Nothing screams 'intelligent' like falling for a common scam

Show quote history

She hasn’t fallen for anything.

Rosykitten · 30/10/2023 09:25

X posts, I can see what you said he said about kids. What about marriage?

JoanMacIntosh · 30/10/2023 09:26

🚩🚩🚩

Advicerequest · 30/10/2023 09:27

You sound vulnerable. He sounds like he's playing the long game. Men in general just don't go for older woman - at my age (55) they don't even go for women their own age, let alone twenty years younger.

GreekDogRescue · 30/10/2023 09:27

It sounds great op. Why not just enjoy it for what it is.

1975wasthebest · 30/10/2023 09:28

There are MNers with 28 yo sons and that is probably what we would want for them, rather than a LDR with a 45 yo mum of 3.

Sure, but that’s irrelevant here.

PierceMorgansChin · 30/10/2023 09:29

1975wasthebest · 30/10/2023 09:25

She hasn’t fallen for anything.

Show quote history

Oh yes she has. She believes in this amazing connection between herself and much, much younger morrocan man. Next step is always family emergency/sickness, marriage and divorce. He will soon be having babies with some 20 year old from his culture. There's no fool like an old fool

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 30/10/2023 09:31

I have a single friend, older lady who seems to end up with one of these trying to follow her home in some form everyday time she holidays alone in that neck of the woods. She's pretty sure she's never the only object of their affection. Be careful.

titchy · 30/10/2023 09:34

IAmtheVampiresWife · 30/10/2023 03:34

Is that you Deirdre?

GrinGrinGrin

cheezncrackers · 30/10/2023 09:35

Anyone who is recently out of an abusive relationship is vulnerable to falling into another one and should definitely question their judgement. You describe yourself as 'not naive', but I suspect, if you asked people who are close to you whether you're a good judge of male character, that they'd either say 'No' (if they were being honest), or they'd dance around the question so as not to hurt your feelings.

The bald fact is that you fell for an abuser last time. I'm not saying this man is an abuser, but your judgement when it comes to picking partners clearly isn't the best. Have you had any therapy, read any books or done any 'work' to get to the bottom of why you allowed yourself to get sucked into that abusive relationship? If the answer is 'No', then I'm sorry but you aren't in a good position to judge whether this relationship is real and genuine or not and this thread is full of posters saying 'This relationship is covered in red flags', all of which you're desperately trying to ignore.

Ask yourself this OP (and I'm sorry but this is going to sound mean, but I feel you need to actually be honest with yourself) - unless you're absolutely fucking gorgeous what is in this relationship for him? He's 28. He probably wants a family in the future. You're 45 and already have kids and don't want any more. He's Muslim and most Muslim men need to marry a Muslim woman. The chances are high here that the main reason he sees you as relationship material is so he can get UK citizenship.

pepperaunt · 30/10/2023 09:35

I think what stands out to me is that you said he wants to “grow his business”. I’m wondering if the request for money will not come in the form of a “family emergency” but rather a business loan or partnership.

baileys6904 · 30/10/2023 09:36

Actually, completely ignoring the long distance relationship, inter religious relationship and previous abusive relationship but 6 months prior to this, 17 years difference is huge. More than huge. It's a 35 year old shagging an 18 year old. If this was a man, he would be absolutely slaughtered.