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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Best friends dd said her mother laughed at me being ghosted by date

117 replies

capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 22:29

My friends dd has form for being a little stirrer , she's special needs and does like attention and to stir things up but I've found there is always an element of truth to what she says

She said when I left a key for a delivery her mum nosied around my house and said it was messy , she said this in front of her mum and I just said well it probably was messy , I'm not tidy !

Recently (around 2 months ago ) friend started seeing a guy so we've seen less of other which is only natural but I still help,out with her dd (she's a single mum , so baby sit etc )

I get on really well with her dd. If she is challenging to say the least . Her mum and I get together probably around once a month for a drink . I was really excited to have a date for the first time in around 18 months (I've been single for 4 years, when we met we both were single ) It after the date he spoke to me for a further day then conversation talked off . I text after 48 hours saying if you've changed your mind about a second date just say , he text back "yes sorry I think you're great but the distance would be an issue " (he lived 2 hours away ) so I said well it's better just to know , take care , good luck . I was disappointed because he was first date in so long and I'd fancied him but on the night there were red flags ( he was desperately trying to get me pissed and up to his room ) so I felt maybe I dodged a bullet and was feeling ok , plus I'd been the grown up and just asked instead of letting him ghost me

Then friends dd sent this text to me last night : there will be some truth to it, it I also don't take what she says as gospel.

I'm actually more hurt than I thought . I do a lot for friend . Lots of childcare , favours , etc .

I'm wondering now whether to just say something or leave it .

Best friends dd said her mother laughed at me being ghosted by date
OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 28/10/2023 22:32

Why are you friends with these people?

NotSuchASmugMarried · 28/10/2023 22:32

Neither of them sound very pleasant.

Are you sure the dd is telling the truth? How old is she and why does she have your contact details?

StSwithinsDay · 28/10/2023 22:34

she's special needs

What a horrible way to speak about her.

Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 22:35

She texts me as a sort of confidente/ aunt figure I guess , sometimes she can't talk to mum or dad so she talks to me .

She's very immature though . There is always some truth in what she tells me even if exaggerated. That's why I've not said anything. It might be her mum innocently told her dad (who I also know really well ) that I'd been ghosted and her dd has made out it was malicious when perhaps it wasn't .

It just hurt me a bit .

OP posts:
Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 22:36

StSwithinsDay · 28/10/2023 22:34

she's special needs

What a horrible way to speak about her.

What . My son is special needs ! It's just a description of her additional needs ! How is it horrible ?

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 28/10/2023 22:37

How old is this girl? Is she a child?

TheOccupier · 28/10/2023 22:37

How old is this girl? So annoying when people post long winded OPs and leave out kids' ages. Both she and her mum sound unpleasant, anyway.

NotSuchASmugMarried · 28/10/2023 22:37

StSwithinsDay · 28/10/2023 22:34

she's special needs

What a horrible way to speak about her.

What's horrible about saying that?

Getitgirl · 28/10/2023 22:38

I read your thread and really felt for you.

given the nature of your close relationship with your friend’s dd (im not sure how old she is from your thread) I think this might be a good lesson for her in being kind and careful around people’s feelings and to not ask intrusive questions. Is this something you could raise with your friend?

I think there’s no shame in saying to either the DD or her mum ‘that’s not a nice thing to laugh about and it’s not something I’m willing to discuss’.

if they can’t honour that/are over relying on you for babysitting duties then I think that’s your cue to find a nicer tribe.

Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 22:38

The little lass is 12 .

OP posts:
Citrusandginger · 28/10/2023 22:38

If someone needs a baby sitter, don't discuss or text them about your relationship.

Back to school on Monday

StarlightLime · 28/10/2023 22:39

capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 22:38

The little lass is 12 .

Why is she texting you? Why does she even have your number?

charlotte361 · 28/10/2023 22:39

I would not necessarily believe this girl. She is probably jealous that you sometimes divery her mum's attention away from her.

BlazingWorld · 28/10/2023 22:40

capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 22:36

What . My son is special needs ! It's just a description of her additional needs ! How is it horrible ?

Show quote history

I think it's generally accepted that it is better to say someone has special needs, or additional needs, than "is special needs'.

NotSuchASmugMarried · 28/10/2023 22:41

Just stop messaging the kid. You shouldn't have started really, it's kind of a safeguarding issue and doesn't sit comfortably with me.

StSwithinsDay · 28/10/2023 22:42

Yes. Safeguarding. Definitely.

NotSuchASmugMarried · 28/10/2023 22:43

BlazingWorld · 28/10/2023 22:40

I think it's generally accepted that it is better to say someone has special needs, or additional needs, than "is special needs'.

Show quote history

meh.

potato potato

Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 22:43

She has sort of adopted me as an auntie type figure I suppose , she has difficulty with relationships, and her mum is grateful that she has me , we've discussed it because I didn't want to overstep boundaries, but she seems to benefit from having a trusted adult in her life other than her mother and father , I can get her to behave better than they can most of the time , like if she refuses school , she will generally go if I take her . She's become quite special to me and I to her I suppose , and I understand her difficulties enter I think as I've been there with my own adult son . She just relates to me and I don't mind being there for her , I think she benefits from it and all those around her do too.

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 28/10/2023 22:44

*meh.

potato potato*

So if you had a child with developmental delays would you be so blasé about them being referred to as 'special needs'?

Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 22:45

My son has Asperger's and I dyspraxia and I always said special needs as it's just easier than trying to explain the labels . I didn't mean offence .

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarried · 28/10/2023 22:46

What do you want from this thread OP?

Unicorn2022 · 28/10/2023 22:47

capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 22:35

She texts me as a sort of confidente/ aunt figure I guess , sometimes she can't talk to mum or dad so she talks to me .

She's very immature though . There is always some truth in what she tells me even if exaggerated. That's why I've not said anything. It might be her mum innocently told her dad (who I also know really well ) that I'd been ghosted and her dd has made out it was malicious when perhaps it wasn't .

It just hurt me a bit .

It doesn't sound like your friend told her dad innocently if she was apparently laughing while she said it, and even using the word ghosted is disparaging. I would cut both her and the daughter off. Even though the daughter is only 12 she is texting in a spiteful way with the laughing emojis and is an unpleasant way to talk to you.

StSwithinsDay · 28/10/2023 22:47

Glad you are feeling better OP...and that you can have a few drinks again...

Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 22:49

I wondered if I should say something to her mum or just forget it and write it off .

There is no safeguarding issue, parents know she speaks to me, I often ignore her calls and messages unless I think she is in a pickle with something .

In my work im vetted and dbs checked, im just another pair of hands when required , and due to her difficulties there aren't many people who will a) mind her and b) she will tolerate.

OP posts:
smilesup · 28/10/2023 22:51

Special needs is fine.
But it is a bit better to say "she has special needs" than "she is special needs". Because otherwise it can sound like that all the person is, is their condition. When of course there is more to everyone. It's quite nuanced and took me a while to understand the difference. Partly because I have special needs!