Best friends dd said her mother laughed at me being ghosted by date

[capabilityfrowns]

My friends dd has form for being a little stirrer , she's special needs and does like attention and to stir things up but I've found there is always an element of truth to what she says

She said when I left a key for a delivery her mum nosied around my house and said it was messy , she said this in front of her mum and I just said well it probably was messy , I'm not tidy !

Recently (around 2 months ago ) friend started seeing a guy so we've seen less of other which is only natural but I still help,out with her dd (she's a single mum , so baby sit etc )

I get on really well with her dd. If she is challenging to say the least . Her mum and I get together probably around once a month for a drink . I was really excited to have a date for the first time in around 18 months (I've been single for 4 years, when we met we both were single ) It after the date he spoke to me for a further day then conversation talked off . I text after 48 hours saying if you've changed your mind about a second date just say , he text back "yes sorry I think you're great but the distance would be an issue " (he lived 2 hours away ) so I said well it's better just to know , take care , good luck . I was disappointed because he was first date in so long and I'd fancied him but on the night there were red flags ( he was desperately trying to get me pissed and up to his room ) so I felt maybe I dodged a bullet and was feeling ok , plus I'd been the grown up and just asked instead of letting him ghost me

Then friends dd sent this text to me last night : there will be some truth to it, it I also don't take what she says as gospel.

I'm actually more hurt than I thought . I do a lot for friend . Lots of childcare , favours , etc .

I'm wondering now whether to just say something or leave it .

Some of the responses on here are so irrelevant and seem just an excuse to be nasty. Some very good ones though, insofar as suggesting to disengage with these people. I wouldn't bother and if you do remain in contact, I would keep away from discussing your personal life in any great detail.

Lately I don't think this is the issue , she literally launches herself at me when I visit now to give me a hug and tells me she's missed me , she won't go to bed if I'm there now, she wants to tell me all about school, her cats , her homework, her friends , her make up drawer , I literally can't shut her up 😂.

It can be flattering and validating to be able to reach a child when no one else can. Beware of that. It encourages you to be involved in a way that is meeting your emotional needs and long term isn't helpful to her. You could move, fall out permanently with her mum, exit her life suddenly.

Also, as a pp said, you need to model safe boundaries, as other adults she is introduced to may not be safe.

She needs you to set boundaries. Her mum clearly isn't (social media etc). So no, she doesn't get to stay up and listen to adult conversation at 12, and especially with SN.

This isn't what you asked, but you were keen to meet a man again who was trying to get you drunk and into bed on a first date? Look at that and your boundaries again.

Of course it's not silly to be sad about your friend's behaviour. When you get possible confirmation of the shitty attitude you have suspected, it hurts.

Also, in your first post you sounded very critical and disparaging of the girl. I get that you are feeling hurt, but I am not sure how helpful you really can be to her with that underlying attitude.

You have been posting about this girl for a long time. I don't think you should have shared that screenshot. That's inappropriate.

Is she or isn't she diagnosed with "special needs"? (That's a horrible way to describe her by the way.)

Your very many threads are troubling to read and you really might be best to access some counselling for yourself. You need more awareness of boundaries and where they should be.

And please look after your health. You have a myriad of health issues, and again, kindly, I think you should be concentrating on yourself and not on dating.

And you absolutely should not be discussing dates with a 12 year old.

This poster comes back every few months about this girl and her mother. Apparently they live next door and OP had adopted them as family as (if I recall correctly) her own children no longer speak to her.
Her posts always start with a very 'woe is me' story, the more advice she gets the more convoluted the story gets.
I honestly wouldn't waste any time on this one.

Your issue is that you should have some boundaries with her. She shouldn't be chatting about being ghosted with you. You have obviously forgotten that you're the adult.

Oh I didn’t realise it was the same poster.

You know the girl is possessive of you op. Her mum may not have said anything at all. You’ve been advised a lot about taking a step back and to create appropriate boundaries with this girl.

Piss off with your patronising response.

The girl is 12, with special needs and the OP has said she’s a stirrer. Forgive me for not understanding why this has been written on the internet and why there’s a screenshot of the conversation. It’s like it’s begging posters to criticise the girl

There’s a saying, ‘ People show you who they are, when they do, believe them’. I would disengage from these people. My concerns would be, why is mother demonstrating a lack of empathy towards me and doing it ( modelling it) for her daughter to hear? Definitely disengage. I’m an ex Senco and this is quite toxic.

Didn't you post about being in an abusive relationship yesterday? You have a lot going on in your life

It is fine to talk appropriately to 12 year olds about relationships. It's not like OP is describing her sex life in graphic detail! If nobody talks to young people about relationships until they turn 16, how are they expected to learn anything about them? My daughter asks me if my single friends are dating at the moment, stuff like that, and it would not occur to me not to tell her, unless it was stuff they had specifically asked me to keep secret.

Also texting a 12 year old is fine even if they are not a blood relation as long as the parents know and are ok with it. My daughter's dad's girlfriend texts her and I don't report her to social services.

Beyond that the whole thing does seem a bit fucked up, admittedly. If the girl and her mom aren't very nice to you, which it sounds like they aren't, then I would pull back, OP.

Just to answer a couple of questions

No I didn't post about being in an abusive relationship, I'm single and have been for years .

My children are very much in my life , my son lives abroad but I'm very close to my kids . They are adults . There was a period where dd fell out with me for a matter of weeks last year over finances with her dad that she saw as unfair of me because I asked for my equity out of the house and she was worried about her dad . Since I became ill she's been a sweetheart it has her own life , job, studies , house and pets so I don't encroach on that ,

The most helpful post here has been from summermeadowflowers and I really need to re read that one

I think I've got empty nest syndrome to some degree , I had kids at 19 and my entire life and identity has been as a wife and mum, 4 years ago I became single and I think I've become a bit lost . My kids are adults and don't need me like they used to, my ex husband has moved on and I've become quite isolated, more so now than ever with some health issues that have seen me off work for the last 3 months and rarely leave the house . I don't even open my blinds . I dont get dressed.

I think I've replaced being needed by my family with being needed by another family . Not so bad for them actually but probably not so good for me . I did think we were friends though , when I first moved here we did a lot together as adult friends , now much less so . Thinking about it I do do far more for them than they do for me, I'm the go to for help, advice, first aid, if they run out of something , which goes beyond borrowing a cup of sugar . I'm being used and I've let myself be used because it gave me a sense of worth that I don't have anymore.

Lots to think about . Thank you .

Did the girl ever get a formal diagnosis?

And what position of authority do you hold?

Why are you explaining yourself to a 12 year old?

eh?