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Original poster

Best friends dd said her mother laughed at me being ghosted by date

117 replies

capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 22:29

My friends dd has form for being a little stirrer , she's special needs and does like attention and to stir things up but I've found there is always an element of truth to what she says

She said when I left a key for a delivery her mum nosied around my house and said it was messy , she said this in front of her mum and I just said well it probably was messy , I'm not tidy !

Recently (around 2 months ago ) friend started seeing a guy so we've seen less of other which is only natural but I still help,out with her dd (she's a single mum , so baby sit etc )

I get on really well with her dd. If she is challenging to say the least . Her mum and I get together probably around once a month for a drink . I was really excited to have a date for the first time in around 18 months (I've been single for 4 years, when we met we both were single ) It after the date he spoke to me for a further day then conversation talked off . I text after 48 hours saying if you've changed your mind about a second date just say , he text back "yes sorry I think you're great but the distance would be an issue " (he lived 2 hours away ) so I said well it's better just to know , take care , good luck . I was disappointed because he was first date in so long and I'd fancied him but on the night there were red flags ( he was desperately trying to get me pissed and up to his room ) so I felt maybe I dodged a bullet and was feeling ok , plus I'd been the grown up and just asked instead of letting him ghost me

Then friends dd sent this text to me last night : there will be some truth to it, it I also don't take what she says as gospel.

I'm actually more hurt than I thought . I do a lot for friend . Lots of childcare , favours , etc .

I'm wondering now whether to just say something or leave it .

Best friends dd said her mother laughed at me being ghosted by date
OP posts:
Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 23:35

charlotte361 · 28/10/2023 22:39

I would not necessarily believe this girl. She is probably jealous that you sometimes divery her mum's attention away from her.

Lately I don't think this is the issue , she literally launches herself at me when I visit now to give me a hug and tells me she's missed me , she won't go to bed if I'm there now, she wants to tell me all about school, her cats , her homework, her friends , her make up drawer , I literally can't shut her up 😂.

OP posts:
MinnieL · 28/10/2023 23:37

What the hell is this thread

Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 23:44

MinnieL · 28/10/2023 23:37

What the hell is this thread

I don't understand.

I'm kind to the child because i empathise hugely after my son had a really difficult time through his childhood due to his autism and dyspraxia . I also empathise with her mum because she deals with most of the issues alone . My kindness is often mistaken for weakness or worse . But I help because I feel for the kid and she has a bond with me . I honestly don't get why people have an issue with that . I'd have certainly welcomed help with my son through his teens .

OP posts:
MinnieL · 28/10/2023 23:47

Okay that’s great. I don’t get why a 12 year old is messaging you about something you spoke about with her mum? Why is a 12 year old messaging you anyway and why are you posting a screenshot of the conversation on here? I’m genuinely confused about this whole post

Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 23:50

She's obviously overheard something and was being nosey

The conversation screenshot is devoid of any identifying information.

I posted because I wanted perspective. Sometimes I'm too nice for my own good .

OP posts:
Ffsnotaconference · 28/10/2023 23:50

This is all so inappropriate. The boundaries here are so poor. Both you and her mum need to start recognising she is 12. Not an adult.

blossmgirl · 28/10/2023 23:51

From my perspective the feelings you share and language you use shows that you are too close and have become emotionally embroiled with this family - and if there is a safeguarding issue it is for yourself and your own well-being.

You admit to feeling put upon and hurt, by giving too much you are understandably vulnerable to damaging your own resilience and health. What would you say to a dear friend or relative in your position? Take that advice.

It is inappropriate to discuss your adult relationship with your friends child by text, especially when you know this young person has additional needs. You're not helping by being honest and open, you are demonstrating that you are not holding good boundaries.

You are not an aunty, this is not 1970, your identity here reads like you are quietly gaining self worth and status from being the special person for this young person, but who are you from her perspective? Or her mothers?

I wish you well and perhaps by stepping back you might gain a better idea of what to do next for the best, not just over this text, but over what's best for you all longer term.

Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 23:54

I'm well aware she's a child and I treat her as such . I answered her honestly and succinctly and ended that conversation.

She's overheard a conversation I wasn't privy to

If she were mine she wouldn't be doing half of what she does , I don't think anyone monitors her social media, she is permanently on tik tok , but she isn't mine and I know that so it's not my job to police her . She asked a question and I answered it age appropriately

OP posts:
Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 23:56

blossmgirl · 28/10/2023 23:51

From my perspective the feelings you share and language you use shows that you are too close and have become emotionally embroiled with this family - and if there is a safeguarding issue it is for yourself and your own well-being.

You admit to feeling put upon and hurt, by giving too much you are understandably vulnerable to damaging your own resilience and health. What would you say to a dear friend or relative in your position? Take that advice.

It is inappropriate to discuss your adult relationship with your friends child by text, especially when you know this young person has additional needs. You're not helping by being honest and open, you are demonstrating that you are not holding good boundaries.

You are not an aunty, this is not 1970, your identity here reads like you are quietly gaining self worth and status from being the special person for this young person, but who are you from her perspective? Or her mothers?

I wish you well and perhaps by stepping back you might gain a better idea of what to do next for the best, not just over this text, but over what's best for you all longer term.

Fair enough . Thank you for that perspective. Something to definitely consider.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 29/10/2023 00:01

The threads gone off on a tangent, but my thoughts about the original post are - that's not what ghosting is. He responded politely to say he's not interested and why. Ghosting would be if he just never responded to you ever again.

Alopeciabop · 29/10/2023 00:16

capabilityfrowns · 28/10/2023 23:56

Fair enough . Thank you for that perspective. Something to definitely consider.

Show quote history

Just wondering what the 70s has to do with it?

Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 29/10/2023 00:22

Maybe in the 70s it took a village to raise a child ?

Now if the village gets involved it's a safeguarding issue ?

OP posts:
Balloonhearts · 29/10/2023 00:22

I would honestly just tell her that she and her mother is no longer welcome in my house until she outgrows her spiteful sense of humour. I only wish to associate with kind, decent people, not silly, nasty little girls.

billy1966 · 29/10/2023 00:22

OP, it is very obvious that the child heard you and your business being discussed, unsympathetically.

Perhaps time to step further back?

Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 29/10/2023 00:29

Balloonhearts · 29/10/2023 00:22

I would honestly just tell her that she and her mother is no longer welcome in my house until she outgrows her spiteful sense of humour. I only wish to associate with kind, decent people, not silly, nasty little girls.

Honestly she isn't nasty - she has the ability to be so but intrinsically she isn't .

She does have special needs . She can be spiteful yes . We had an hour together (I went to see mum for an hour ) last night and she was really playing up so I just said right - come on. What's wrong . She hugged me and said sorry . Her mums boyfriend was coming over for the first time and she was really really anxious. Her anxiety manifests in poor behaviour. She's highly anxious. She hates change . I'm safe for her I suppose . She's tested me to see if I'd stick around by calling me a rat and a dog, but now she realises I'm still here she's totally changed .

OP posts:
Gabiabbi · 29/10/2023 00:29

I'd definitely have to mention it to the mum, to get it off my chest at least! No other helpful advice sorry. Although me and my friend's 13 year old daughter message sometimes- after reading this thread im off to report myself to social services 😂

Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 29/10/2023 00:32

billy1966 · 29/10/2023 00:22

OP, it is very obvious that the child heard you and your business being discussed, unsympathetically.

Perhaps time to step further back?

Yes . That's possible . I'd like to let her mum know she has ears like a shit house rat though .....maybe mum needs to be more careful around her .

Id taken a huge step back already . Not so available.
Another step back seems sensible . For me . More than anything.

OP posts:
LadyGaGasPokerFace · 29/10/2023 00:33

Why is she privy to information in your private life? She’s 12. I wouldn’t have answered honestly like above, I would have told her to stop being nosey, it’s for adults and not her business at 12. Yes, she may be close to her, but it’s not information you should be sharing. I think you need to back off from the friendship too.

Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 29/10/2023 00:36

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 29/10/2023 00:33

Why is she privy to information in your private life? She’s 12. I wouldn’t have answered honestly like above, I would have told her to stop being nosey, it’s for adults and not her business at 12. Yes, she may be close to her, but it’s not information you should be sharing. I think you need to back off from the friendship too.

Ok thank you .

I answered because it was obvious she had heard something which was akin to being true . I answered appropriately and closed the conversation. But yes maybe I should have just said "oi nosey nothing to do with you. "

OP posts:
Candymay · 29/10/2023 00:40

NotSuchASmugMarried · 28/10/2023 22:43

meh.

potato potato

Show quote history

No, it’s really very different.
saying someone ‘is’ special needs is awful. The person cannot be special needs. They can have needs though.
worst of all is when people say someone ‘is mental health’. I think people forget how to think about what they’re saying.
but words, particularly when used as labels, really do matter.

BlueEyedPeanut · 29/10/2023 00:41

You didn't answer appropriately. That is the issue. It is not appropriate to discuss that side of your life with a child. By answering her you have only encouraged her to think it is appropriate for her to ask you personal questions like that. She is a CHILD.

boscabosco · 29/10/2023 00:44

Whalewatchers · 28/10/2023 23:01

Maybe your friend is actually a secret bitch and takes pleasure in your failure as it makes herself feel better about her own situation? I'd take a BIG step back from both of them.

This is the answer, a good friend would wish the best for you and the daughter isn't just pulling stuff from nowhere, it has to come from her mother. Move on from them OP, I wouldn't even bother querying it.

Original poster
capabilityfrowns · 29/10/2023 00:45

She isn't stupid though . I just thought be honest . She already knew after overhearing the conversation.

But I probably should have said none of your business. In hindsight .

OP posts:
Cabbagey · 29/10/2023 04:19

Even if her child is stirring, it's clear your friend is gossiping about your dating life to her family. It's not like this is a long relationship with someone they had met and would need an explanation why he's not around anymore. Considering you had one date, they all must be getting a blow-by-blow account of your personal life. Ick.

I would have to say something to the mum, and then take another big step back from this family.

IncompleteSenten · 29/10/2023 04:31

It's inappropriate for you to treat a 12 year old as though she was a pal and to share your personal information with her.

You should forward her messages to her mum and ask her to be more discreet when talking about you to others.