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Original poster

DP always ruins things that should be about me

101 replies

PlusOneTwoThree · 27/10/2023 22:57

Didn’t really know how to word this one because I’m not sure if this is really an issue or if I’m just upset and overthinking

But it’s my birthday and I’ve yet again spent it crying and feeling shit (you’d think I’d learn by now) at DPs in thoughtfulness and it’s really made me think and notice a pattern

So my birthdays - he never plans things, always expects me to or asks me on the day what I want to do, which by then is usually nothing because it’s feels shit to not have been thought of
If he does plan anything it’s usually a trip or a night away together, so directly benefits him
Or if there’s nothing happening he will do something pressing that day, I’m thinking particularly if a time he did a huge pile of ironing and I was left to take the kids to the park and a cafe for lunch alone - I’ve done similar to this today as he was in bed ill all afternoon
Had a special birthday a few years ago, he planned none of it, my Mum and a couple of my friends did a whole hoopla for it and he literally just shown up, when it was his special birthday a few years before I did a whole hoopla for him
We have small children who naturally get excited for birthdays and he doesn’t facilitate them helping in any way - for example DD5 asked him over and over this morning to bring me breakfast in bed and he just kept saying no so in the end she put an apple and a cereal bar on a plate herself and brought it up to me which just broke my heart for her

Then thinking back on this today made me see that also -
Whenever I have babies, he feels queasy or has to leave because he’s hungry or he goes to sleep on the fold out bed or asks the nurse to bring him a sandwich
Or the worst one when our last child was born by c section he wanted to go out with his friends 3 days later and leave me with her and 3 other kids and genuinely couldn’t compute why I was upset that he might want to go out at that point

Christmases (and birthdays and Mothers days too I suppose) I get shit presents, I’ve had a frying pan, an iron, and for the last 3 I’ve had different versions of the same jacket

Even when he proposed he did it at a time I’d always been very vocal about not wanting to be proposed to

But the thing is he does big gestures and makes a huge deal of it every time he does so I almost can’t say “well thank you for talking me to Paris for 3 days but couldn’t you have just made some toast and slapped it on a tray for DD to bring me for breakfast” without feeling and looking like a twat!
I think I’m being Disney-Dad’d but in relationship terms, whatever you would call that

Or am I overthinking - he is obviously very nice to me at other times too…just never on special occasions

OP posts:
Original poster
PlusOneTwoThree · 27/10/2023 23:43

Has anyone experienced similar?
Or think he’s even doing anything that wrong, am I being a knob?
Would love to gauge some different opinions

OP posts:
Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 23:45

My exh ruined my 40th birthday among many occasions that weren't about him. He was divorced before I was 41.

Wishitsnows · 27/10/2023 23:46

Why are you staying with him. He cruel

RantyAnty · 27/10/2023 23:50

I don't understand why you keep reproducing with someone who treats you like garbage???!!

Original poster
PlusOneTwoThree · 27/10/2023 23:53

I wouldn’t say he’s cruel or treats me like garbage at all

He is literally only shit like this at special occasions, which is why I’m questioning it
Is he actually a selfish prick or am I just expecting way too much and acting a bit like a 5 year old because my birthday was rubbish

OP posts:
NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 27/10/2023 23:55

He’s shit. You deserve a human who values you.

Mystro202 · 27/10/2023 23:57

Solidarity op, I know how you feel. My dh is very similar. Gets trips away as presents for me but they are really for him as he loves to get away. Never had breakfast in bed and it's the sort of thing my dd would love to do for me too. (How thoughtful and sweet of your little dd 😭) it's pure & utter selfishness. No thought goes into anything.

Iamnotanugget · 27/10/2023 23:57

Have you actually spoken to him about this? And how this makes you feel?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2023 00:00

I think you still very much have blinders on as to how horrible this man really is. It's honestly shocking.

TossieFleacake · 28/10/2023 00:01

He's not only shit at special occasions though, is he?
You say in your OP that he wanted to go out on the piss 3 days after you had a c-section and leave you to cope with 3 kids ... that's shit behaviour.
He sounds selfish and like he doesn't value you much.

Dibbydoos · 28/10/2023 00:01

@PlusOneTwoThree my DH died 7 days before my special birthday. It has ruined my birthday ever since.

So ask yourself this... if he was gone forever how would you feel? What difference would it make to your life? Once you know this, decide what to do.

He sounds like a waster to me, tbh. 😬

BooBooBaloo · 28/10/2023 00:05

Give him what he gives you. You get shit events with no effort and crap presents, so does he. No effort for Mother's Day? No fuss for Father's Day etc

HoHoHoliday · 28/10/2023 00:13

"Even when he proposed he did it at a time I’d always been very vocal about not wanting to be proposed to"

That really should have been your warning sign! He proposed at a time you'd been clear you didn't want him to. You presumably said yes anyway and he's ground you further and further down ever since. He's not invested in you. He doesn't value what's important to you. When you are in love with someone you should enjoy making them happy - he doesn't seem to even acknowledge what makes you happy.

Do you see the rest of your life with him, living like this? You are young by the sound of it, you have young kids. You have the potential to live a much happier life. Perhaps consider your options?

LocalHobo · 28/10/2023 00:17

Even when he proposed he did it at a time I’d always been very vocal about not wanting to be proposed to
So why did you say yes?
Please stop having DC with this person.

TheaBrandt · 28/10/2023 00:21

Odd decision to marry and have many children with someone that started out shit and has indeed remained shit.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/10/2023 00:31

Been there and done that. There is a reason he is an ex.

Tbry · 28/10/2023 00:34

Happy belated birthday.

Your poor little DD, think about her.

Special occasions are supposed to be just that. My DP is sometimes a bit rubbish but not to these levels.

So you’ve had the ironing done one year whilst you take yourself out, you’ve had practical gifts for other years which is all bad enough but cannot let your DD make a magical birthday breakfast for you, that’s heartbreaking.

Ringpeace · 28/10/2023 00:42

"Asked the nurse to bring him a sandwich"

I hope the nurse showed him a medical procedure on how to poke his sandwich up his hoop.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2023 00:45

Ringpeace · 28/10/2023 00:42

"Asked the nurse to bring him a sandwich"

I hope the nurse showed him a medical procedure on how to poke his sandwich up his hoop.

Agreed. What a fuckwit.

Daisyincopper · 28/10/2023 00:48

It sounds mixed to me. Some of the presents etc are v bad, as is not helping your dd ...but then I think you did say he was ill today? Could that have been an explanation?
Not being supportive when you've given birth is terrible.
But it also seems he does plan some trips/nights away but you don't appreciate these as gifts because they're a present for him too. And he does big gestures like Paris which sounds nice to me.

Not sure about the proposal bit, would need more info.

WhichEllie · 28/10/2023 01:07

It’s a narcissistic trait. Narcissists don’t like attention being on other people and will often ruin days or occasions that are meant to be solely about someone else, like birthdays, awards, promotions, and yes even childbirth.

They often also dislike people they are close to but feel superior towards, such as spouses or children, being happy and will attempt to deflate them/ruin anything that they are happy about.

denpark · 28/10/2023 01:12

My ex was like that. He's a narcissist. I'm sure that if you stop and look more critically you'll find many more things that he does that aren't nice.

Narcissists hate it when the attention isn't on them and will go out if their way to ruin the day. Mine did it on my birthdays and on the children's birthdays/parties. Nasty little comments under his breath to make me very upset when I had to try to be ok in front of others at parties.

Get out of the relationship. It's toxic behaviour that will keep grinding you down

Rainbowqueeen · 28/10/2023 01:15

@WhichEllie has it. That is such a horrible thing to do to your DD

Id be getting together an exit plan.

Wolfen · 28/10/2023 01:20

Let him know what your expectations are next time and see if he makes any effort.
I doubt he will because he sounds horrible.
You'll probably have to organise your own. Get your dc involved so they know you matter too.
Buy things like croissants, strawberries and orange juice so your dc can bring you a lovely breakfast themselves.
Bake a cake with them.
And don go all out for your dh. Give him the same treatment because that's what he thinks the day should be like.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/10/2023 01:43

He needs everything to be all about him, and day to day I am sure that it is, at least in his head. But on a day that is literally about you...birthday or mothers day, he simply cannot deal with putting your first.

Thats what makes him a shit person.

Your kids are young so he can make their days (birthday, Xmas etc) about him being such a wonderful father. But what about their first teen birthdays, or their 18th or 21st or their graduations? Nope, cant do that because its about someone else.

He is pathetic, insecure, needy and above all.....utterly self asborbed and selfish. So yeah, he is a piece of shit and this will get no better for you and worse as each year passes for your kids.