DP always ruins things that should be about me

[PlusOneTwoThree]

Didn’t really know how to word this one because I’m not sure if this is really an issue or if I’m just upset and overthinking

But it’s my birthday and I’ve yet again spent it crying and feeling shit (you’d think I’d learn by now) at DPs in thoughtfulness and it’s really made me think and notice a pattern

So my birthdays - he never plans things, always expects me to or asks me on the day what I want to do, which by then is usually nothing because it’s feels shit to not have been thought of
If he does plan anything it’s usually a trip or a night away together, so directly benefits him
Or if there’s nothing happening he will do something pressing that day, I’m thinking particularly if a time he did a huge pile of ironing and I was left to take the kids to the park and a cafe for lunch alone - I’ve done similar to this today as he was in bed ill all afternoon
Had a special birthday a few years ago, he planned none of it, my Mum and a couple of my friends did a whole hoopla for it and he literally just shown up, when it was his special birthday a few years before I did a whole hoopla for him
We have small children who naturally get excited for birthdays and he doesn’t facilitate them helping in any way - for example DD5 asked him over and over this morning to bring me breakfast in bed and he just kept saying no so in the end she put an apple and a cereal bar on a plate herself and brought it up to me which just broke my heart for her

Then thinking back on this today made me see that also -
Whenever I have babies, he feels queasy or has to leave because he’s hungry or he goes to sleep on the fold out bed or asks the nurse to bring him a sandwich
Or the worst one when our last child was born by c section he wanted to go out with his friends 3 days later and leave me with her and 3 other kids and genuinely couldn’t compute why I was upset that he might want to go out at that point

Christmases (and birthdays and Mothers days too I suppose) I get shit presents, I’ve had a frying pan, an iron, and for the last 3 I’ve had different versions of the same jacket

Even when he proposed he did it at a time I’d always been very vocal about not wanting to be proposed to

But the thing is he does big gestures and makes a huge deal of it every time he does so I almost can’t say “well thank you for talking me to Paris for 3 days but couldn’t you have just made some toast and slapped it on a tray for DD to bring me for breakfast” without feeling and looking like a twat!
I think I’m being Disney-Dad’d but in relationship terms, whatever you would call that

Or am I overthinking - he is obviously very nice to me at other times too…just never on special occasions

I've just remembered the Christmas he asked me what I wanted and made some suggestions that I said please don't spend on that because I'll never use it and suggested a couple of things i'd really like. He bought me the things I didn't want, plus a pair of boots two sizes too big and a book about somebody dying of cancer. I'd just lost my Mum to cancer. It wasn't thoughtless, it was reminding me that he didn't give a fuck about me.

@JewelleryCat Sometimes ASD can be a reason for poor behaviour though. My ASD relative can be very kind-hearted but equally can be very thoughtless and self involved for want of a better word. So I think it’s fair comment/ question. But I also agree some people are just not very good at presents, especially when younger or are very broke etc. Its really about the “intention”.

Yanbu.
Honestly this IS a problem.

It's not complicated and it is not okay.

C section thing is awful and I reckon the crapness is more persistent than you claim.

Also I'd point out once you have kids "special occasions" are pretty regular, Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc. and that's already pretty much something every 8 weeks. Throw in special days out like theme parks etc. And your families birthdays) and you are averaging once per month.

Thats a whole lot of crapness....

My DH thinks a cup of tea in bed is a treat. I think it's an annoyance.
After making tea in Bed for me once or twice he understood I didn't care for it. He hasn't done it for years.
That's what normal adults do.

Special occasions and when you're giving birth or recovering from a c section with 3 older kids!! This isn't about special occasions at all, he's just selfish. And you had 4 kids with him!!

Just adding to waste of papers comment. I would add not everyone wants to celebrate Easter and Christmas and birthdays that way, even with family. I know some people love, it but not me !

What is he like on his own birthday or special days? Does he appreciate it if you make an effort?

I think different people have different expectations on birthdays. For some people, they like surprises, gifts etc. for other people, it’s just another day.

My dh is like your dp and always asks what do I want. I now say flowers because I can buy anything I want. In the past, I’ve said buy me a gift, but without a list, he’s useless.

What’s he like the rest of the time ? Is it only birthdays your not compatible?

I'm not big on birthday celebrations but my ex always ruined mine. A few days before he'd hint at breaking up over something bizarre so that I was so upset I was just grateful for the thoughtless crap he gave me. There was never a card, just something random, stuffed in a creased paper bag. Last year he refused to do go out for my birthday. I suggested the cinema. Nothing big. We ordered a takeaway and he transferred me the money to cover his half. That was his contribution to my birthday celebrations. He's a 35 year old man with a good salary and no debts. On his birthday I bought him things he liked and threw a little party with his family. Nothing was good enough for him and everything was too much for me. He'd make me buy his friends and family expensive birthday gifts too. Christmas was embarrassing because he'd sit there for an hour opening his presents from me and I'd have to sit there pretending to be grateful for something he'd actually bought for himself. It doesn't matter if you're not into celebrating things, you can tell by how someone treats you on your birthday what they think of you.

That all sounds hideous @loveandkindness1989.

My only caveat is I used to buy a relative a nice present at Xmas and birthday, but only to prevent complaints and sulks. The presents were chosen and given out of fear, fear of offending really. It wasn’t out of “joy” or a happy sense of giving.

Op. He doesn't sound like a man who even likes you let alone loves you. He is cruel, bitter and resentful..

Leave him. He will just continue this every single time.

Yes I agree with this. If he ignored your wishes at one of the signature moments in life, this should always give you a life lesson.

But that's in the past. You need to talk to him and make it very clear what you're saying - you're not happy with this. How he responds could be another life lesson.

And for goodness sake stop having kids with someone who doesn't treat you well.

On the face of it he is thoughtless and rather selfish .However you are the one missing out here not us. I am guessing that with 4 DC getting up and leaving is a fairly daunting task .However he is showing your little girl and other DC, that Birthdays ,and making Mummy feel special isnt important! When she gets older she will accept this from her own BF or DH! I think if you dont want to split up ,then at least get Counselling and say that his behaviour is making you feel Rubbish. Are you a SAHM? Is he resentful or feel that he is "working" and you are not( untrue but what he may feel!) Something needs to come to light here.

I understand ASD (I have it) but every time someone posts something like this, nearly always, one of the replies is “have you considered autism” when the guy is probably just selfish

Well a suggestion is fair enough to my mind. Sometimes ASD/PDA/ADHD is relevant, sometimes it’s not. The OP is usually just trying to make sense of things; obviously not all suggestions will be correct. The OP has to figure that out themselves.

And ASD can presently differently in different people plus of course it’s an umbrella term, not just a spectrum.

Not sure that I'd take relationship advice from someone whose DH can't iron and would be 'helping' her if he did.

Some women's expectations are in the toilet.

It's all about him isn't it? Even the grand gestures that you have to be grateful for even though it is not what you wanted. He quite clearly doesn't listen to anything you tell him or care much about what you want. You need to listen to what he's been telling you with his actions.

@MrsTerryPratchett It seems that on here, women's expectations of men are wholly unrealistic. It makes it clear to me why so many women are single parents. Any excuse to LTB. DH might not do the ironing, but we are approaching our golden wedding anniversary soon.

I'm married. DH can iron. If that's unrealistic, I'd rather be single. And I will direct DD away from marrying anyone who can't do basic household tasks.

“Doing the ironing for you” ??!
Why for OP?
If there was an enormous pile of washing up and I did it, I wouldn’t say “Oh DH I’ve done the washing up for you” nor would I expect him to say it to me.
I don’t say ironing because in fact DH is the only one to iron in this house, as it’s only his clothes that need ironing.

He must have some endearing qualities if you've reproduced four times with him?

I'm married. DH can iron. If that's unrealistic, I'd rather be single

You have just given weight to my opinion that any tiny little thing (on here, but I suspect not in real life) is cause for divorce.
Really, you would divorce on the flimsy reason that your husband doesn't do the ironing? Unbelievable.

Really, you would divorce on the flimsy reason that your husband doesn't do the ironing? Unbelievable.

I wouldn't have married him in the first place. No divorce needed. I wanted to marry an effective, equal partner. Same as him. I know that me being effective was important to him too. He wouldn't have married a woman who couldn't drive on the motorway or park or other 'blue jobs'.

I think you probably have 20 years on me so I suppose times have changed. Except my DM and DGM were the same. My mum, now in her 80s, taught me how to change a tyre.

I think you're right about the generational gap. As I said, it will be our golden wedding soon. I can drive but DH does all the driving, nothing would get me on a motorway. (The correct decision as I'd be a liability to other drivers).

It's interesting that you need to consider equality in terms of sharing out traditional roles. Maybe it matters more today than it used to, but we've never considered it an issue. We both cook, we both tidy, we both garden, I can do the ironing if I need to, although the cleaner usually does it, and I take the bins out.

It's interesting that you need to consider equality in terms of sharing out traditional roles.

Not sharing the roles necessarily. But both being willing and able. The idea of marrying someone who COULDN'T cook or iron is anathema to me. I'd rather cook, DH would rather clean. But we're both capable of doing both. Capability is attractive.