DP always ruins things that should be about me

[PlusOneTwoThree]

Didn’t really know how to word this one because I’m not sure if this is really an issue or if I’m just upset and overthinking

But it’s my birthday and I’ve yet again spent it crying and feeling shit (you’d think I’d learn by now) at DPs in thoughtfulness and it’s really made me think and notice a pattern

So my birthdays - he never plans things, always expects me to or asks me on the day what I want to do, which by then is usually nothing because it’s feels shit to not have been thought of
If he does plan anything it’s usually a trip or a night away together, so directly benefits him
Or if there’s nothing happening he will do something pressing that day, I’m thinking particularly if a time he did a huge pile of ironing and I was left to take the kids to the park and a cafe for lunch alone - I’ve done similar to this today as he was in bed ill all afternoon
Had a special birthday a few years ago, he planned none of it, my Mum and a couple of my friends did a whole hoopla for it and he literally just shown up, when it was his special birthday a few years before I did a whole hoopla for him
We have small children who naturally get excited for birthdays and he doesn’t facilitate them helping in any way - for example DD5 asked him over and over this morning to bring me breakfast in bed and he just kept saying no so in the end she put an apple and a cereal bar on a plate herself and brought it up to me which just broke my heart for her

Then thinking back on this today made me see that also -
Whenever I have babies, he feels queasy or has to leave because he’s hungry or he goes to sleep on the fold out bed or asks the nurse to bring him a sandwich
Or the worst one when our last child was born by c section he wanted to go out with his friends 3 days later and leave me with her and 3 other kids and genuinely couldn’t compute why I was upset that he might want to go out at that point

Christmases (and birthdays and Mothers days too I suppose) I get shit presents, I’ve had a frying pan, an iron, and for the last 3 I’ve had different versions of the same jacket

Even when he proposed he did it at a time I’d always been very vocal about not wanting to be proposed to

But the thing is he does big gestures and makes a huge deal of it every time he does so I almost can’t say “well thank you for talking me to Paris for 3 days but couldn’t you have just made some toast and slapped it on a tray for DD to bring me for breakfast” without feeling and looking like a twat!
I think I’m being Disney-Dad’d but in relationship terms, whatever you would call that

Or am I overthinking - he is obviously very nice to me at other times too…just never on special occasions

This would really upset me.

He needs to understand that the small things are how the big things are expressed. It's the little, regular, everyday moments - a cup of tea in the morning, getting someone's favourite chocolate bar when you're in the newsagent just because, running a bath for them...where we have to express our feelings for one another: it isn't enough to just make big gestures, because they are infrequent, and love is like a fire that needs constant stoking or it'll go out.

I have been in relationships where my partner was like this, and it ended up being a big reason why we broke up, but now I have more understanding and better communication skills (thanks to therapy!) and I wonder if we might have been able to work through it had I been who I am now, so it isn't a definite deal breaker, necessarily. But it must be addressed.

You are not unreasonable to expect your birthday to feel special and be a day when you feel treated. If you say to your partner, X would make me happy, and they choose not to do X, they are saying your happiness doesn't matter to them. You do have to tell them, they can't read your mind, but if you say it and they ignore it, that IS unreasonable and actually, unkind.